Hello, I have been asked to share my experience, strength and hope by a couple of members of this forum. So here goes:
What it was like: I grew up in California the oldest of two girls. My Mother, although neurotic was not alcoholic or addict, however, my Father was and is now what I consider a dry drunk. I never felt "normal" or "part of" for as far back as I remember, but when I was sixteen years old and tried coke for the first time I knew all my problems had been solved...little did I know that was not going to be the case. I "partied" by drinking myself into blackouts and using coke to be able to drink more. I never used either substance recreationally, I only used them to "numb out", to bury my feelings. At times both chemicals would work for me, however most times they would not...I inevitably would end up physically ill, then my emotional state became jeopardized as well...
What happened: Graduated from High School, dated all of the wrong men, landed a job at a local Corporation, married the wrong man, bought a couple of houses, cars, etc - most of the material things I had always wanted for status...had two daughters - all this done while using and drinking. However, during every milestone of my life: getting engaged, getting married, becoming pregnant, buying a house, landing that job, etc I thought I should get my sh** together - my sister introduced me to the 12 Step program when I was 23 and in my heart of hearts I knew I was an alcoholic, couldn't admit I was an addict, oh, no, not me - addict how disgusting I thought! Well, I tried to get clean and sober for about twenty years (popping in and out of the program - mostly out) and tried various other programs and religious organizations to try to get "well". Nothing worked...I honestly thought I would die a hopeless, desperate drunk/addict woman. Well, in May of 2002 I left that man I was with for twenty years because of his using and drinking and inability to stay employed - he had a problem not me (smile). Took the kids with me and boy, did that speed up my addiction. I started to sneak drugs and alcohol into my place of employment to get through the day and needed a tumbler full of vodka and a couple of lines just to jump start my day (something I swore I would never do, use and drink in the morning - oh, it was okay as long as I did it when I came home from work, but yuck in the morning - well, that's where my addiction took me to...) So, one morning I walked off my job (thankfully, they have kept me employed and I am about to have 21 years with that Corporation). Once again I broke a promise to my daughters (who are 18 and 14) and they walked out on me...to go live with their Dad. That was my wake up call, when my oldest daughter screamed at me "You are nothing but a f' in alcoholic and we are not coming back" - she took her little sister by the hand and left. I called my sister who I had just reconciled with and told her I needed help, I had all the material possessions I needed in the world, however, all I wanted was sobriety. I went to my sisters and started to detox, I called Central Office and immediately went to an AA meeting...what I am doing differently than what I did during the previous twenty years I tried to get clean and sober before is this: attend 12 step meetings on a daily basis, if possible, have a Sponsor, follow her direction, work the 12 steps in my daily life (just went thru them with my Sponsor for the first time), have the willingness to do whatever it takes to stay sober and clean, I surrender my will and my life to my Higher Power each and every day (I pray daily and try to meditate a few times a week), I'm of service to other alcoholics and addicts and I take commitments (I currently have three) at the meetings I attend. Nothing today, and I say today - because I only have today, is more important than my sobriety, not my kids, not my job, not my place where I live, nothing, because without my sobriety I have nothing. I totally embrace the 12 Step Program's way to achieve sobriety and recovery...I never want to forget where I came from...I am a liar, cheat and thief and addict/alcoholic through and through...
What's It's Like Now: I am a 45 year professional woman, I live by the beach in California, am gainfully still employed in a very prominent Corporation, my 14 year daughter lives with me full time again, I have my Higher Power walking with me day in and day out, I am never alone - and know I never have to do this thing alone...I am dating a wonderful sober and clean guy...I will be celebrating TWO YEARS of sobriety on 22 November 2005 - unbelievable, I am a f***ing mmiracle - if I can do it - after twenty-eight years of continuous drinking and using - you can too! Keep the faith - remember "First things First; One Day at a Time; This too Shall Pass; Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes...all those corny cliches, hey but they work for me and countless others...I wish each and everyone of you the peace and serenity I have found. Thank you for allowing me to perform a 12 step call on each of you who read this...ending this post with heartfelt gratitude.
Thanks for sharing your story VWGirl!
bump for those who are new or struggling...
Hi VW
I missed this when it was posted. Thanks for sharing. We are miracles.
I missed this when it was posted. Thanks for sharing. We are miracles.
Most definitely, miracles nothing but...I thought I would die a hopeless alcoholic/addict and once I surrendered, well my life has taken on a new meaning ~ thank God! The cravings and obsession have been removed...as my sister (Rachel on the PP site) quotes from the Big Book - "We relax and don't struggle..." I'm so relieved that I no longer think I have power over people, places and things....
Yeah, but wouldn't it be nice sometimes? (having the power, I mean)
lovin ya
lovin ya
Hi there, I can do w/o the power as long as I stay sober...I use to mark 1 in my planner (for my first day of sobriety) and pray the rosary asking to be relieved of this condition (alcoholism and addiction) but somehow my car would always end up at the Liquor store and Dealer's house on the way home. I couldn't stop until I gave up the power and surrendered; but yeah, I guess it would be nice to have a little power sometimes though, but honestly my way never worked.
Hi VW Girl,
Thank you for sharing that. You continue to inspire me.
take care
gi :o)
Thank you for sharing that. You continue to inspire me.
take care
gi :o)
Thanks Gina....hope you are doing well....yours and your husband's posts were some of the first I read when I was lurking around here and I loved the no nonsense Program approach you both exude in your Recovery journey.
Geri
Ive always taken something positive from your posts & your story was no different.
Inspiring ,yet simple and to the point without all the war stories that we all know so well.
Thanks for sharing and even though I dont stop by all the time- - know that you have a fan here in NY.
much respect
jack
Say hello to Huntington Beach(Beach Blvd) for me. Its been years ,but I have good memories of your part of the planet.
Ive always taken something positive from your posts & your story was no different.
Inspiring ,yet simple and to the point without all the war stories that we all know so well.
Thanks for sharing and even though I dont stop by all the time- - know that you have a fan here in NY.
much respect
jack
Say hello to Huntington Beach(Beach Blvd) for me. Its been years ,but I have good memories of your part of the planet.
Thanks Jack...as all of us, I have plenty of war stories. I try to stay in the solution today...I am grateful for yet another day of sobriety...I'm not hungover on a Saturday, miracle! I'm able to get up, do laundry, clean and feel good about life in general. It's a little hazy down here at the beach today in SoCal but the ocean is sparkling and sometimes I forget where I live and just how beautiful it is...I am one lucky gal...have an great weekend...you too are an inspiration to me.
Hi,
Thanks for sharing VWGirl. I can really relate. For me today I'm working on "justifiable anger". Been reading about it, and working on letting go. Letting go is easy in some cases not so easy in others. Having lies told about me today and knowing I have no control over whats said or what people choose to believe is what I seem to be hung up on today. Anyway, I was reading over here because it seems to be more recovery based. And thanks to VWGirl's sharing,
maybe it would help me to do the same..
I was attracted to the lifestyle of an alcoholic before I ever picked up my first drink. My father is a recovering alcoholic, he will be celebrating 27 years in April. I grew up watching my father drink with his so called buddies and spent alot of time in bars as a young child. Always feeling like I never fit in anywhere and feeling different from all my friends. I loved the fuss ppl. made of me when I was with him. I loved the fact that everyone seemed so happy in the bar, they all seemed like good friends and I felt, even that young, accepted for me. So, I'll skip ahead a little. I picked up at 10 yrs. old. no big deal just tried it, but I do remember liking the taste of beer. It was a weekend thing to do through my highschool years. I was a full blown alcoholic by the time I was 19.My father had been in A.A. since I turned 14. I went to a few meetings with him back in 1985 or 86 but it wasn't for me then, I still had to many "I nevers". I don't feel it nessessary to go into "war stories" here...1986 I started doin' coke alot along with my drinkin'. I loved it..It allowed me to drink and stay in the game for days at a time rather then just the night or weekend. My addiction allowed me to do things that I would never do in a sober state of mind. I stole, cheated, hurt people physically and mentally. My addiction took me places I had no business being. It's a miracle I'm alive today. I was a whiskey drinker as well, I loved the taste and the effect it gave me. I always drank for effect. I was a blackout drinker as well, there are things I was told I've done , but have no memory of doing them. My friends stopped inviting me out, they didn't want anypart of being around me when I was drinking and drugging. I moved a few times and somehow managed to get married and have two beautiful girls. Now 15 and 10.
No matter where I moved I always managed to gravitate towards the ppl. that were just like me. No matter where ya' go ya' take yourself with ya'!! lol
1995 I was introduced to Percocet. I replaced everything else I did for it. Stopped drinkin' doin' coke just did the pills, mostly anyway. Wasn't long before I was up to about 50 or 60 pills a day. I started learning what pills were simular what ones you had to take more of for effect. I knew more about them then the f---'in doctors did. I had back surgery in 2000. before this I had a few oxy's from time to time but not many. This time I was given my own script. 80mg..I remember actually being excited about discharge from the hos. cause I couldn't wait to get my script filled...Wasn't long I was taking between 10 & 20 of these a day. And still taking whatever other kind of opiate I could get my hands on. I was nolonger getting high from all of this I needed to take this amount just to feel "normal". Just to wake up and do what I had to do couldn't be done without the help of a handfull of pills.And thats no s*** as I'm sure you know. One morning in 2001 I called my dad, asked him for help. It had to stop.I was out of what I needed and had nobody to call, I had burnt all my bridges, sitting on my bedroom floor crying, begging God for help. My dad came over called a friend of his who I knew for years. My dad couldn't help me. It's not a good idea to get involved with 12 steppin' a family member. I knew this, cause I fourtunately knew about A.A....N.A....etc..Anyway, this friend took me to rehab on 10-30-2001. My life was saved because of A.A. the ppl. in it and God. But because I still never admitted complete powerlessness at two years clean and sober after about 8 or 9 surgeries for kidney stones I picked up. I took my meds. the wrong way and bought two bags of coke. Why? Because back in July of 2003 I stopped making meetings on a regular basis. Thought I was fine and didn't need that s***. WRONG!! Only took 4 months for me and I was back on the train. Thank God and my wife and friends I called my sponcer 1-11-04, told him exactly what I did, Turns out he knew!! lol...Did I learn yet? No! Always having to learn every lesson the hard way, again I got a little time under my belt. A little over a year clean/sober. But, I still couldn't grasp the thought of "24 Hours At A Time". Plus I still had a few I nevers! Instead of realizing what was instore for me, I told myself there were things I just wouldn't do, drinking/using or not. Wrong again! After again, slacking off on meetings, yep you guessed it, I pickied up again. Not where I left off, but where I would have been had I never stopped. This time my kids didn't eat, bills weren't getting paid, and I damn near lost the roof over my head. Well today I've admitted complete defeat & powerlessness. I ask God for another day in the morning and I thank him at night and I try do whats right inbetween. I make a regular attendance of meetings, I try to help another alcoholic/addict.
My sobriety date is 8-16-05
I love A.A. ( for me ) it has saved my life.
There are days I fall short, and I take my will back and do or say things instead of letting it go. But I'm getting better and at least today I'm aware of these things and I'm able to make amends when I should. It's all about change , I didn't get addicted in one night so it'll take time for me to think before I react. I compare myself to myself today and I can see I'm getting better little by little each day. It's a life long process, so it's "Easy Does It" for me.
The first thing I learned in A.A. was, what ever I put infront of my sobriety, will be the first thing I lose should I ever pick up again.
I start each day reading from a book called..Twenty-Four Hours A Day,
My fav. day to read is January 6th, whuch I've added to my morning prayers.....
Keeping clean and sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking and drugging.
I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink or drug.
Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everyting I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.
Can I afford to forget this, even for one minute?
"I Think Not"
Take care...........BOB
Thanks for sharing VWGirl. I can really relate. For me today I'm working on "justifiable anger". Been reading about it, and working on letting go. Letting go is easy in some cases not so easy in others. Having lies told about me today and knowing I have no control over whats said or what people choose to believe is what I seem to be hung up on today. Anyway, I was reading over here because it seems to be more recovery based. And thanks to VWGirl's sharing,
maybe it would help me to do the same..
I was attracted to the lifestyle of an alcoholic before I ever picked up my first drink. My father is a recovering alcoholic, he will be celebrating 27 years in April. I grew up watching my father drink with his so called buddies and spent alot of time in bars as a young child. Always feeling like I never fit in anywhere and feeling different from all my friends. I loved the fuss ppl. made of me when I was with him. I loved the fact that everyone seemed so happy in the bar, they all seemed like good friends and I felt, even that young, accepted for me. So, I'll skip ahead a little. I picked up at 10 yrs. old. no big deal just tried it, but I do remember liking the taste of beer. It was a weekend thing to do through my highschool years. I was a full blown alcoholic by the time I was 19.My father had been in A.A. since I turned 14. I went to a few meetings with him back in 1985 or 86 but it wasn't for me then, I still had to many "I nevers". I don't feel it nessessary to go into "war stories" here...1986 I started doin' coke alot along with my drinkin'. I loved it..It allowed me to drink and stay in the game for days at a time rather then just the night or weekend. My addiction allowed me to do things that I would never do in a sober state of mind. I stole, cheated, hurt people physically and mentally. My addiction took me places I had no business being. It's a miracle I'm alive today. I was a whiskey drinker as well, I loved the taste and the effect it gave me. I always drank for effect. I was a blackout drinker as well, there are things I was told I've done , but have no memory of doing them. My friends stopped inviting me out, they didn't want anypart of being around me when I was drinking and drugging. I moved a few times and somehow managed to get married and have two beautiful girls. Now 15 and 10.
No matter where I moved I always managed to gravitate towards the ppl. that were just like me. No matter where ya' go ya' take yourself with ya'!! lol
1995 I was introduced to Percocet. I replaced everything else I did for it. Stopped drinkin' doin' coke just did the pills, mostly anyway. Wasn't long before I was up to about 50 or 60 pills a day. I started learning what pills were simular what ones you had to take more of for effect. I knew more about them then the f---'in doctors did. I had back surgery in 2000. before this I had a few oxy's from time to time but not many. This time I was given my own script. 80mg..I remember actually being excited about discharge from the hos. cause I couldn't wait to get my script filled...Wasn't long I was taking between 10 & 20 of these a day. And still taking whatever other kind of opiate I could get my hands on. I was nolonger getting high from all of this I needed to take this amount just to feel "normal". Just to wake up and do what I had to do couldn't be done without the help of a handfull of pills.And thats no s*** as I'm sure you know. One morning in 2001 I called my dad, asked him for help. It had to stop.I was out of what I needed and had nobody to call, I had burnt all my bridges, sitting on my bedroom floor crying, begging God for help. My dad came over called a friend of his who I knew for years. My dad couldn't help me. It's not a good idea to get involved with 12 steppin' a family member. I knew this, cause I fourtunately knew about A.A....N.A....etc..Anyway, this friend took me to rehab on 10-30-2001. My life was saved because of A.A. the ppl. in it and God. But because I still never admitted complete powerlessness at two years clean and sober after about 8 or 9 surgeries for kidney stones I picked up. I took my meds. the wrong way and bought two bags of coke. Why? Because back in July of 2003 I stopped making meetings on a regular basis. Thought I was fine and didn't need that s***. WRONG!! Only took 4 months for me and I was back on the train. Thank God and my wife and friends I called my sponcer 1-11-04, told him exactly what I did, Turns out he knew!! lol...Did I learn yet? No! Always having to learn every lesson the hard way, again I got a little time under my belt. A little over a year clean/sober. But, I still couldn't grasp the thought of "24 Hours At A Time". Plus I still had a few I nevers! Instead of realizing what was instore for me, I told myself there were things I just wouldn't do, drinking/using or not. Wrong again! After again, slacking off on meetings, yep you guessed it, I pickied up again. Not where I left off, but where I would have been had I never stopped. This time my kids didn't eat, bills weren't getting paid, and I damn near lost the roof over my head. Well today I've admitted complete defeat & powerlessness. I ask God for another day in the morning and I thank him at night and I try do whats right inbetween. I make a regular attendance of meetings, I try to help another alcoholic/addict.
My sobriety date is 8-16-05
I love A.A. ( for me ) it has saved my life.
There are days I fall short, and I take my will back and do or say things instead of letting it go. But I'm getting better and at least today I'm aware of these things and I'm able to make amends when I should. It's all about change , I didn't get addicted in one night so it'll take time for me to think before I react. I compare myself to myself today and I can see I'm getting better little by little each day. It's a life long process, so it's "Easy Does It" for me.
The first thing I learned in A.A. was, what ever I put infront of my sobriety, will be the first thing I lose should I ever pick up again.
I start each day reading from a book called..Twenty-Four Hours A Day,
My fav. day to read is January 6th, whuch I've added to my morning prayers.....
Keeping clean and sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking and drugging.
I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink or drug.
Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everyting I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.
Can I afford to forget this, even for one minute?
"I Think Not"
Take care...........BOB
Bob, Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope with all of us...all of us are so similar no matter where we come from. I am grateful today also...and try to be everyday...I shared at my nooner meeting today that the longest 4 minutes that I can remember was sitting outside in front of an Albertson's grocery store at 5:56 am, just waiting for it to turn 6:00 am, I'd run out of booze and still had some coke left and I needed my booze bad...those 4 minutes seemed like an eternity. Just in passing, I occasionally lurk over on the PP site, lots of activity over there ~ lots of drama. It's kinda slow over here on the alcohol and also over on the C/C site, but I check in about everyday and I do get a pretty good dose of recovery here along with the meetings I attend in addition to the Program of action I am trying to work on a daily basis. Take it easy!
Isnt it amazing that alcohol has no gender, professional or religious preference. We are all walks of life, and yet, find our lives spiraling out of control because of one common demon. ALCOHOL.......I never thought something so LEGAL and simple to obtain could dominate my every thought and aspect of my life. I finally admitted defeat after 20 years of abuse last year. I have relapsed three times and ended up almost losing my children thru Social Services....then I found AA......and things are better by the day. It is a miracle that my desire has diminished and I have a sober conscience of myself and others around me. My daughter, 16, also gave me a wake up call....she told me during a heated arguement that she had raised her f*cking self.....and that literally cut me to the bone. I knew then, I NEEDED HELP!
Thanks to AA...and a loving sponser, I am on my journey to a sober, and happy life. No more hangovers.....no more police....no more painful memories of the past ....I have let go and let my higher power guide me.
I am also a true miracle......it can be accomplished.
THanks for sharing.
Love to all
Karen
Thanks to AA...and a loving sponser, I am on my journey to a sober, and happy life. No more hangovers.....no more police....no more painful memories of the past ....I have let go and let my higher power guide me.
I am also a true miracle......it can be accomplished.
THanks for sharing.
Love to all
Karen
Hi Karen, Thank God for our daughters, our angels....as you read in my post my daughter gave me the wake up call that I so desperately needed. I'm so happy that we do not have to live that way any longer. Could totally relate to your post. Take it easy.
Hey VW...What a powerful story..So glad it has a happy
ending..
Doug
ending..
Doug
Thanks Doog, yes a very powerful story from a very powerless woman...thank God I know the difference today!
