Thank you all for your thoughts. As I've posted before, I call The Samaritans pretty regularly. I didn't "threaten" suicide. I mentioned that I am suicidal. I made it clear - because although I make mistakes I care about the impact of my message - that my feelings were not zipper's responsibility. My feelings are MY responsibility. What I do with my life is MY responsibilty. That's kinda the point.
The fact that for the first time in my life I am venting my feelings and being honest with myself and the world and that this produces some sort of reaction in others who feel uncomfortable with my strong emotional state and openness I simply cannot make my responsibility at this point in my life. ALL my life I have absorbed whatever discomfort others have about my feelings. I have constantly self-sacrificed in that regard. This isn't pity, this is caring enough about some people here and my connection with them to try to explain. This is what my HP guides me to do at this point and I think it's because if I DON'T stay true to my feelings at this point there is no point.
I really wasn't going to come back but I realised that running away from people who - for whatever reason - found my emotions too difficult to cope with or too uncomfortable to handle - is what got me into this mess in the first place. Hiding my feelings is at the root of my sickness, so guess what? My HP is telling me to get them out there. No-one has to read them. I just have to say them. This is a recovery board and that's what my HP is telling me to do to get my recovery.
I'm pretty sure that the people who hurt me were so terrified by their own emotions that they needed mine to stay nice and tidy and polite and quiet and compliant for them....so they terrorised me until I was all those things and behaved exactly as they wanted me to. Inside, of course I died.
However, in real life I didn't run away from anything. I stood up to bullies. I ran into burning buildings. I went armed with a hammer when I heard that woman screaming, I jumped over the wall when I heard "for God's sake help me!" I chased that car when I saw her struggling...in everyday life I took responsibility for everyone else's difficulties, absorbed their anger and met it with understanding, absorbed their sadness and gave my time, gave money, time, energy, love - ALL for others....proper little hero....lol...I even let one guy hit me three times before I hit him back....and yes, also I can now see some of that self-sacrifice was a warped way of getting the affection, love, admiration, acceptance and respect every human being deserves. I realise now that in my last relationship - with an alcoholic - I became so desperate that I tried to use these behaviours - which I consistently demonstrate in life to complete strangers, taking homeless people home, yada yada yada... and which I believe those in AA values and aspire to - became mere tactics....I warped myself into using my love and generousity to try to control her, mostly for selfish reasons to do with not wanting to be bullied or see the kids bullied.
I say this not for adulation. I truly believe anyone would do the same thing. But then I realise they don't. So what? Do I think I'm great? Duh. All my life I've thought I was worthless. Is this grandiosity or trying to impress? NO I am NOT ALLOWED to impress anyone....there are so many things I AM NOT ALLOWED...the fact that I'm even back here and telling "you" these things is evidence of my recovery, not of my sickness....I care what you think but in a healthier way...so still sick but at last getting where many alcoholics START - with thinking more about themselves than others.....There is absolutely NO DANGER that I'm ever going to be a selfish person...My need is to recover my SELF and get a healthier balance...and at the moment that might require I indulge myself because I NEVER HAVE.... Why am I telling you this? Clearly, because I DO care what "you" think (yes, you must represent my mum and dad duh). Not about the "heroism", but about what I've done in life and what my recovery requires.... When I was told I was a hero I was embarrassed. When the fire service thanks me I was embarrassed. When the police officer told me I was a hero I was embarrassed. I ALWAYS try to make myself small, avoid taking the limelight, let others lead and strive my best to help them succeeed even if they're incompetent until the point comes where I have no choice but to step in ...and then make sure THEY get the credit. That's who I am. I say this to try to illustrate that no-one here knows ANYTHING about me or my motives and are projecting all sorts of their own stuff onto me without even knowing it. I am ALREADY the good guy. Like many alcoholics. And yes, I need to face up to and own the harm I've done and heal myself and become healthy and well. Sorry if this is repetitive.
So I guess this is what my share boils down to - all my life I've done what AA describes as "the solution"....I didn't reach the point in my drinking career where I lied, cheated, stole, fought people, abused people....or even rambled on about myself in the pub or put myself before strangers. Lucky me is all I can say.
That's my experience and this is MY recovery. Several times last year I could have killed someone because I used alcohol to give me an excuse to unleash all that built up resentment and self-hatred about always being USED.....always allowing myself to be USED by others and believing I was strong enough to bear it and unimportant enough to be USED to get what they want or work out their own issues....well, I have what AA calls a HP and last year He decided enough was enough..... THAT'S why, with respect, I don't need anyone telling me what to do. That's YOUR issue, not mine. I don't need anyone telling me what to do. This isn't AA. I HAVEN'T tried everything else and failed, nor do I believe that EVERYONE has to do that to get recovery. That might be your belief and I can see why it might be important to some people to believe that. That's your issue, not mine. I don't believe everyone is like me and that the solution that my HP is guiding me to is the solution YOU need to take up. I share what I need to share and some of it might be useful to you. I don't think you need to do what I do....although I'm sure I send that message sometimes because hey, I'm insecure and needy and afraid and when I'm afraid I want everyone to think like me - lol, you see I'm not "cured". But I'm getting there.
I respect that YOU have a HP and I assume it's working for you. I thank everyone for sharing their ESH and respectfully ask them to refrain from implying that THEY know better than my HP what is right for me. I believe the phrase "take what you like and leave the rest" is an invitation from my HP to yours to take what is best for YOU at this point in your recovery. I do NOT believe it is a licence for me or anyone else to abuse or bully or control me or anyone else in disguise as a concern for my welfare or my future. I have seen enough of that "it's for your own good crap" to last my lfietime. And this is why in AA - in all the meetings I've attended, people with good recovery do NOT tell other people what to do or imply that THEY will relapse if they don't do it. We all have HPs, if you have Faith. In my experience it's FEAR that means I want others to think like me.
And my experience of my need to feel safe is this - I would become well-informed about enything that was likely to come up so that I could hold my own in conversation. I never consciously used this to bully anyone or establish my supposed superiority, but when I think hard about it I can see that my own feelings of worthlessness do sometimes tempt me to establish my credentials and let everyone know what I know, just in case they try to intimidate or impose themselves on me...a kind of warning shot to try to avoid hostilities....establishing myself by kindly showing everyone what I know, "helping" them to do it like I do, generally "teaching" them and letting them have the benefit of "my" wisdom was an unconscious attempt to establish my existence in relation to them and control how they related to me....I know I never wanted to dominate them - my defenses required me to always be kind and gentle and allow them the freedom I'd lost - but I NEEDED to ensure they couldn't control or dominate me...
To be frank I am so alert to all this it's pretty obvious when others display this need around me - particularly when it's aimed at me, obviously - and my feeling is that some people on this board (take what you like...) sometimes use their longevity in AA to establish their superiority and configure this board to reinforce their own worldview. No worries, hey, we're all human, and all my life I've just recognised that for what it is and smiled a wry smile at myself when I catch me doing it....in work of course I have to play that game and we do all the stupid positioning and verbal wrestling and its old and tedious for me but most people don't seem to even know they're doing it....hey ho, that's life and I deal with it...but HERE, when I'm letting my vulnerable, weak, childish, sad, hurt, selfish, disappointed aspects out for the first time in 45 years, I really don't need it and I REALLY don't need anyone implying that they know what I need to do and being a good little boy is best for me - I've ALWAYS been a good little boy. Maybe -just maybe - my need now isn't the same as your need, and if what I'm doing disturbs perhaps you can think about why - or just stop reading my posts. Trust my HP. I do.
I'm sure many people here have had worse experiences. So what? This is mine and for the FIRST time in 45 years I'm owning it, expressing it and saying it was wrong and that it hurt me. By all means don't cuddle me. By all means decide I'm a whinger. By all means don't give it any more consideration. Your recovery is your business. But if you want to help me just please keep all that to yourself. That's all I ask. In fact, you don't even have to want to help me. Just keep it to yourself if you want to avoid joining the gang that damaged me. You're at liberty to THINK and FEEL what you like about me. I'm big enough and strong enough not to care much about what you think and feel about me. Crikey, I really must be making progress.
As the man sings, this is my church; this is where I heal my hurts. If it hurts anyone to see - for whatever reason - please just look away. For my part I will take on board that some find it disturbing and try to avoid posting where it could be considered inappropriate or unhelpful. If that is ever an issue for anyone a simple request will suffice and although this IS a public board and - so far as I know - has no rules about who decides who posts where or what gets posted in which thread - I will try to respond to such requests with consideration and courtesy.
And pirate, thanks for you post on the other thread. I appreciate your kindness and admire your courage.
I hope everyone has a nice day.
As the man sings, this is my church; this is where I heal my hurts. If it hurts anyone to see - for whatever reason - please just look away. For my part I will take on board that some find it disturbing and try to avoid posting where it could be considered inappropriate or unhelpful. If that is ever an issue for anyone a simple request will suffice and although this IS a public board and - so far as I know - has no rules about who decides who posts where or what gets posted in which thread - I will try to respond to such requests with consideration and courtesy.
And pirate, thanks for you post on the other thread. I appreciate your kindness and admire your courage.
I hope everyone has a nice day.
