To all of those out there that enjoy drinking, over drinking, getting drunk and thinking that's "it's cool", it's okay, blah, blah, blah....one DENIAL after another, one LIE after another, drink away the pain, drink away the guilt, drink away all your friends, family, children...drink away every last drop of your life, and just not care enough about anything or anyone but drinking....THIS DEEPLY DAMAGES SO MANY PEOPLE....
My husband of 18 years died alone, bleeding to death, alone, and was dead for three or four days until I had the courage to call someone to verify what I thought to be true, that he was dead...I couldn't do it, I couldn't see him AGAIN, lying in blood, face puffy, completely unrecognizable. I couldn't put our son through seeing his father, lying in blood, hallucinating in the hallway of his apartment building, spinning stories of "being shot". I couldn't take sitting in the ambulance as his life slipped away, and praying that he would recover. I couldn't take all the wonderful memories of this man who was kind, loving, intelligent, and a great father to our two children....refusing to get help, escaping from rehab, lying, lying and then lying some more. I couldn't take him pushing the kids away, not going to work, drowning in severe debt, and just not caring enough about anything to stop drinking. I couldn't witness one more haunting and disturbing situation, and so I called his landlord, and I waited for that return phone call that would confirm "yes, he's dead". I was told he was in "really bad shape" and had to be cremated. I did not see him after that...I organized a memorial service. I stayed strong, I gave him the best service I could...no one helped me. I stayed strong for me, for my two children and for his memory & all the wonderful, unforgettable memories we both shared. HOW did this happen?
I turned myself INSIDE OUT for over a year to stop this horrible demise. It did not matter. It did not matter that he was continually hurting himself, me, our children, his friends...There weren't enough excuses or lies in the book to cover up his addictive, dark and haunting behavior.
He was a Vietnam Veteran...many came home from the war, but many came home addicts, unable to cope with life. Many tried to overcome the horror they had experienced, some made it, many did not. Yes, he came home from Vietnam but he came home with very dark demons. He drank incessently to control those demons but alcohol won...no matter what I did to help him help himself, alcohol won. He died alone, bleeding to death from a stomach rupture on October 3, 2003 at the age of 53, not remembering he had a wonderful son who needed and loved him, a beautiful daughter who cherished him, and people that truly and deeply cared. He died an addict, not remembering any of his life....Was it worth it?
My question to all of you who drink excessively....why does it not matter how much you are hurting yourself and the others in your life? Why does it not matter the disturbing memories you are causing others that live on after you've done so much damage to yourself that you eventually die...why do you leave this earth and expect others that you've hurt over and over again to pick up the pieces of their lives and pick up whatever messes you've left in yours?
I will never understand alcoholism, addiction and self-abuse. This is indeed a very hard life sometimes but there is help...why would you not take that help? Why would you continue to drink until you are dead?
Dear Runawaytrain,
You sound confused, angry,frustrated and hurt. That is okay. I'm glad you have come here to get some of it out. When addiction touches a family such feelings as yours are very common and hard to bear.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I know you cannot understand the thinking and the behavour of people such as myself when we are active in our disease. The truth is only another addict can truely identify with all the seemingly senseless behavour of a practicing alcoholic. It is a disease. It is a brain disease that affects our ability to reason, use good judgement and respond lovingly to others. We become spiritualy, mentally and emotionally ill. Fact is that, when we are active in our addiction, we cannot really see beyond our overpowering need for our drug, alcohol. We are driven to make it become the center focus of our lives and loose sight of all else. Some of us are fortunate enough to be given the chance to recover but many many more of us end up like your poor husband. All of us were at one time wonderful fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers. The drug takes over our personalities. I weep for my fellow addicts who are out there suffering terribly, destroying thier families and dying. Often horrible lonely deaths.
I feel for the families who suffer with the addict and for the families who have lost thier loved one long before thier death.
You have suffered too runawaytrain. Please take care of yourself and get some help to deal with your loss if you need to. june
You sound confused, angry,frustrated and hurt. That is okay. I'm glad you have come here to get some of it out. When addiction touches a family such feelings as yours are very common and hard to bear.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I know you cannot understand the thinking and the behavour of people such as myself when we are active in our disease. The truth is only another addict can truely identify with all the seemingly senseless behavour of a practicing alcoholic. It is a disease. It is a brain disease that affects our ability to reason, use good judgement and respond lovingly to others. We become spiritualy, mentally and emotionally ill. Fact is that, when we are active in our addiction, we cannot really see beyond our overpowering need for our drug, alcohol. We are driven to make it become the center focus of our lives and loose sight of all else. Some of us are fortunate enough to be given the chance to recover but many many more of us end up like your poor husband. All of us were at one time wonderful fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers. The drug takes over our personalities. I weep for my fellow addicts who are out there suffering terribly, destroying thier families and dying. Often horrible lonely deaths.
I feel for the families who suffer with the addict and for the families who have lost thier loved one long before thier death.
You have suffered too runawaytrain. Please take care of yourself and get some help to deal with your loss if you need to. june
