After back surgery my husband was prescribed morphine sulfate. He then had to have neck surgey and the prescription was continued. He has now been taking them for nearly two years. I now realize he has become addicted to them. How do I best handle this situation? I am going to find the closest nar-anon meeting and attend. What else do I do? We haven't been married long and I can't continue my life like this. Should I give him an ultimatum and tell him to choose between me or his pills?
Concernedwife..........Hello and welcome to the board! Glad you came here and asked that question. If he is addicted, it is a disease. Would you give him an ultamatum if he had cancer? Since his drug use started under medical circumstances..........it's not like he got up one day and chose to become a drug addict. Your love and support would be what he needs right now more than anything. Is he still in pain? Is he using them for the pain or to get high?
There is so much to be taken into consideration.
Does he want to quit? You can not do much for him unless he is ready to do it for himself, then you can help him. He can go to a rehab, or to a doctor who is willing to help him taper his usage and then quit. There are drugs available from some doctors which aid in the withdrawal process.
Drug addiction is not as cut and dry as some would like to make it. Please give us more info and/or think about the other possibilites before you decide to ditch him. This board can be very helpful to you and him, please post again and let us know more. There is also a site here for Partner of Addicts you may want to explore. Good luck and take care of each other!
Thank you so much for replying. He has told me that he does want to quit. I want to believe this very much but the lies and deceit make me wonder. He goes to several different doctors and pharmacies since his prescriptions do not last near as long as they should. He even has to pay full price for them rather than go through the insurance plan due the frequency of his refills. It hurts me so much to see him in this condition. He says he is still in pain but I feel that he is taking the medication for the high now.
Hi concernedwife,
I know exactly where you are coming from....I think that it is a good idea for you to do some naranon type meetings....If you plan to stay, whether he is still using or does get clean, you will need some tools to help you cope. You will also get support from others that are in the same situation. I will be back on later if you need to talk.......
Good luck to you,
Tina
I know exactly where you are coming from....I think that it is a good idea for you to do some naranon type meetings....If you plan to stay, whether he is still using or does get clean, you will need some tools to help you cope. You will also get support from others that are in the same situation. I will be back on later if you need to talk.......
Good luck to you,
Tina
Concerned mom.........the lies and deceit are all part of the disease. His body is addicted to the pills and he will do whatever he has to do to get what he needs. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know it is very hard to sit by and watch. Misty is the perfect one to talk to you, as she is not an addict but her husband is or was. She said she'll be back later to talk.
Just know that many have been where he is and recovered. If he gets serious about getting clean, there are options available ,and he can do it, although it will not always be easy when he is withdrawing. But it would be easier for him if you were by his side.
By taking the time to write, you have shown that you want to help him and love him. Please wait for Misty, she is our resident partner-expert and the sweetest girl in the NE!! Take care!
Hi concernwife,
I am hoping you are still reading the board......Trust is a big thing, I imagine you have none.....You need to step back some....take care of you and let go of the worry. He will not get clean until he is ready. When he is be there to love and support, help when asked but don't enable. There are some great posts about detactment on the other board that will help you find your way in all of this. I know that your heart is breaking and you are confused......Even lonely, I felt that a lot. Like he didn't care, there came a point where there was no physical attachment...He said he loved me everyday but in his actions I never saw it. They build this big box around themselves and only let the high in nothing else.
It is very hard to live like that watching from the outside......
Please take care of you......
Hugs,
Tina
Carol, hugs to you too, you put a big smile on my face, thank you!
I am hoping you are still reading the board......Trust is a big thing, I imagine you have none.....You need to step back some....take care of you and let go of the worry. He will not get clean until he is ready. When he is be there to love and support, help when asked but don't enable. There are some great posts about detactment on the other board that will help you find your way in all of this. I know that your heart is breaking and you are confused......Even lonely, I felt that a lot. Like he didn't care, there came a point where there was no physical attachment...He said he loved me everyday but in his actions I never saw it. They build this big box around themselves and only let the high in nothing else.
It is very hard to live like that watching from the outside......
Please take care of you......
Hugs,
Tina
Carol, hugs to you too, you put a big smile on my face, thank you!
concernedwife, please feel free to join us on the Families/Partners of Addicts board of this website. just a suggestion. if you haven't explored the subject already or haven't been near to someone who is addicted to a substance or chemical, there are some things that you will need to get to know. for your own wellbeing and his.
Thanks Mistyeyes (and everyone else who replied). Your are so right about the trust issue. That is a huge factor right now. I keep reminding myself that this situation is definitely not any easier on him than it is me. I keep trying to figure out how much pain if any he may still be in. His last surgery was two months ago so it really hasn't been very long. Would it be helpful for me to ask or force him to give me his pills and give them to him as required? I do not want to overstep my bounds and realize that he has to want to do this and can't be forced to get clean one moment before.
Dear concerned being a addict I never had much time to think of how my family reacted to me in self destruct mode.Mistyeyes is SO GREAT to talk to about this,she tells it sweetly from her heart & maybe able to help more than alot of us.Please know that I will be thinking of you & hopen your world gets alot better.The family spot here is great & should help you feel less alone in this.I guess I just wanted to say welcome to the board.....mj
Hi Concernedwife,
Personally I think forcing is not a good thing. A gentle suggestion when he say something negative about the pills might work......I have done that. He really does need to be sick and tired of it all. Like hitting his bottom. It is such a hard situation to watch them basically hurt themselves......He may still have pain from the surgery, but I am betting he is more than addicted too. The pills play mind games.....take control and leave you to believe you can't function at all without them. My husband got to a point where no matter how much he took, it still wasn't enough to make him feel good anymore.....he was just taking to function.
Just remember you need to focus on you too, don't lose yourself in the obsession of worring and second guessing. From experience I will tell you that the obsessing robs you of who you are, puts you in a place that is not good.
Take care,
Hugs,
Tina
Personally I think forcing is not a good thing. A gentle suggestion when he say something negative about the pills might work......I have done that. He really does need to be sick and tired of it all. Like hitting his bottom. It is such a hard situation to watch them basically hurt themselves......He may still have pain from the surgery, but I am betting he is more than addicted too. The pills play mind games.....take control and leave you to believe you can't function at all without them. My husband got to a point where no matter how much he took, it still wasn't enough to make him feel good anymore.....he was just taking to function.
Just remember you need to focus on you too, don't lose yourself in the obsession of worring and second guessing. From experience I will tell you that the obsessing robs you of who you are, puts you in a place that is not good.
Take care,
Hugs,
Tina
Thanks for the advice Mistyeyes. He definitely is addicted. He has taken that big step and admitted it. He told me that he has dicussed quitting taking the oxycontin and/or morphine with his doctor. He said the doctor told him it is not the right time yet. I think maybe it just isn't the right in my husbands mind. I can't imagine a doctor advising him to continue this course. His doctor doesn't know that he getting the same prescrips from other drs.
I am defintely going to work on the control and detachment issues. I think it is best for me take a couple of steps back and give myself a break from the worry.
Thanks again.
Hugs.
I am defintely going to work on the control and detachment issues. I think it is best for me take a couple of steps back and give myself a break from the worry.
Thanks again.
Hugs.
Hi Concernedwife;
I'm sorry you have to experience this pain, I really am. I've done the same thing to my wife, more than once unfortunately, and there is such a tremendous amount of shame and humiliation that needs to be addressed.
But first things first. Your husband is an admitted addict, however, until he gets 100% honest with his doctor and you then the situation will continue to be out-of-control. Believe me, I'm just one week from my last relapse, and I pray it's my last.
But I know from experience how these drugs get their hooks into us both physically and mentally. I've sunk to behaviors (lying, stealing, scheming) that I never ever would have thought possible. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but one thing I have today that I didn't have last week is hope.
Stay strong, one day at a time;
Jim
I'm sorry you have to experience this pain, I really am. I've done the same thing to my wife, more than once unfortunately, and there is such a tremendous amount of shame and humiliation that needs to be addressed.
But first things first. Your husband is an admitted addict, however, until he gets 100% honest with his doctor and you then the situation will continue to be out-of-control. Believe me, I'm just one week from my last relapse, and I pray it's my last.
But I know from experience how these drugs get their hooks into us both physically and mentally. I've sunk to behaviors (lying, stealing, scheming) that I never ever would have thought possible. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but one thing I have today that I didn't have last week is hope.
Stay strong, one day at a time;
Jim
concerned
you mentioned trust... as I write this I am not sure why I am actually because I think you have all the info to get you started but maybe I am writing this for me as much as anything ... I have said this a million time.... but know this ... you hubby will prolly come to realize the one this I did after I got clean and it was one of the most painful things I learned ..... I lost many many things to my disease... materially things as well as non tangilbe things like self respect ect... but the most precious thing... was the trust and crediblity of my family... I had a very loving and trusting relationship with my in-laws.... and now though they are no longer my in-laws they look at me differently when i tell them something.... as if there is doublt... they will always have that...
Maybe in naranon you might learn to get past that and if your hubby gets clean and works hard you can give him the gift of letting him get back at least that which he has lost... (as I sit hear with tears streaming... ) I will say a special prayer for your family and the successfull journey from addiction...
God Bless
Teresa
you mentioned trust... as I write this I am not sure why I am actually because I think you have all the info to get you started but maybe I am writing this for me as much as anything ... I have said this a million time.... but know this ... you hubby will prolly come to realize the one this I did after I got clean and it was one of the most painful things I learned ..... I lost many many things to my disease... materially things as well as non tangilbe things like self respect ect... but the most precious thing... was the trust and crediblity of my family... I had a very loving and trusting relationship with my in-laws.... and now though they are no longer my in-laws they look at me differently when i tell them something.... as if there is doublt... they will always have that...
Maybe in naranon you might learn to get past that and if your hubby gets clean and works hard you can give him the gift of letting him get back at least that which he has lost... (as I sit hear with tears streaming... ) I will say a special prayer for your family and the successfull journey from addiction...
God Bless
Teresa
