Sorry if this is hard to follow but i think you all know the insanity of the mental process that happened before and during drinking and after, Why am i posting this....Well i need to remember how i was and in remembering that i can see all the good changes i have made and also some of the areas in my life that i am not changing, stopping drinking was the easy bit!! sifting through the wreckage and knowing what to keep and what to get rid of.... that is ongoing.
Anticipation to the point of excitement, fear because i did not know if i would live or die and what trouble i would cause, no not fear but my motto if im gonna be in the s***e i might as well be in it good. Attention seeking any attention good or bad was good. what could i get up to who can i end up with yeahhhh i hope she is there.
Work hard real hard and long, I deserve a drink even the marriage counsellor said that, whats the bit#hes problem, always going off on me, if she turned it up more then it wouldnt be a problem, build a hate, build an arguement and then i have even a better reason to drink....than just that deep down i really need to.
Finish work yeah praise about my job all the more reason to drink...home here it comes the argument, how can it start i need her to spark, i need her to be guilty,i cant handle the guilt, i need to give it to her yeahhhhh she deserves it.
What do you mean whats wrong @#$% %$#@#$@#$$# you beauty im free im on the way to the pub, she can cry shes always crying betcha i find someone who wont cry at the pub, they understand me.
Drink another and another Why are my mates talking about life and families what happened to talking drinking and sex, F them i just wanna get pissed, Hey mate gidday mate and his girlfriend yeah good buddy how are you yeah yeah hope he goes soon as hes drunk and shes lookin hot yeah im in there............
BLACKOUT,....................My eyes open Jesus i feel crook, hang on this aint my bedroom ceiling and s*** this aint my wife........Guilt floooding in, Fear flooding in..who can i blame, who can i blame, i was drunk, who seen me , i cant remember sh#t. Yeah it was good too, I can see the fear in her eyes to, tough thats her sh#t i have my own to deal with....Wheres my car, aww my mum will be hurt if she hears about this from the wife..the wife yeah its all her fault, build anger, build a reason god im thirsty, yeah a drink and i will show em, i could end it all then they would know my hurt Fu#k em.
If ya in the sh#t make it good.....
Didnt always happen like this and it never happened good it just happened because i needed it to function in my insanity...
Light and love Zac
Thanks, Zac, for sharing. Anger and resentment toward our spouses seems to be the easiest place to put everything, doesn't it? I used to get so mad that she'd nag and b**** at the children and, basically, act like a friggin' alcoholic's daughter! Her mechanisms were all fudged up from her parents being alcoholic and I inherited it. So what'd I do? I drank to fix her.
You know that old TV couple who'd b**** at one another and one would drink until it went away? That was me: Easier to get drunk than to listen to the screwed-up nag all the time. It didn't fix her, but sure made ME feel better. For a short while. And damn if she wouldn't go away--because SHE had control issues, but couldn't raise the kids! Grrrr.
So I took THAT burden on too--I was wonderful at taking care of everybody--and rewarding myself with drink--until I'd done for everyone but me. Martyr. Reverse pride, as VW Girl pointed out (where is she, anyway?). I felt so little of myself that I'd allowed myself to be the last thing I took care of and, by then, I was so beat that I drank to feel. Feel anything.
It worked for a while, but I'd blame the SU when it stopped working. Started taking more days off so I could drink--and then days off to recover because it took much longer than before. So then it was easier to drink "hair of the dog" so I could get to a point where I could drink again. And the loop was on.
Yiikes!
Didn't mean to share THAT much! Thanks, Zac, for showing me THAT little tidbit of angst... :)
I'm better now. Peaceness....
You know that old TV couple who'd b**** at one another and one would drink until it went away? That was me: Easier to get drunk than to listen to the screwed-up nag all the time. It didn't fix her, but sure made ME feel better. For a short while. And damn if she wouldn't go away--because SHE had control issues, but couldn't raise the kids! Grrrr.
So I took THAT burden on too--I was wonderful at taking care of everybody--and rewarding myself with drink--until I'd done for everyone but me. Martyr. Reverse pride, as VW Girl pointed out (where is she, anyway?). I felt so little of myself that I'd allowed myself to be the last thing I took care of and, by then, I was so beat that I drank to feel. Feel anything.
It worked for a while, but I'd blame the SU when it stopped working. Started taking more days off so I could drink--and then days off to recover because it took much longer than before. So then it was easier to drink "hair of the dog" so I could get to a point where I could drink again. And the loop was on.
Yiikes!
Didn't mean to share THAT much! Thanks, Zac, for showing me THAT little tidbit of angst... :)
I'm better now. Peaceness....
Hey Gidday Skg
Sharing is about getting it out and i know where you are coming from.
Its funny how a post can open a whole new avenue of thought. And one day i might start posting some of the untouchables that i keep to my chest, maybe
Thanks Skg
Light and love zac
Sharing is about getting it out and i know where you are coming from.
Its funny how a post can open a whole new avenue of thought. And one day i might start posting some of the untouchables that i keep to my chest, maybe
Thanks Skg
Light and love zac
Zac, I enjoyed the clarity you have about the whole process. Thanks for that, it was very interesting.
Hmmm. Untouchables? Sounds JUICY. You've got my e-mail if you feel the need to share (if it's too uncomfortable here). As this forum and everyone in it are whom I consider my sponsors (maybe because it's about as anonymous as one can get), I'm trying to be as honest as I know here.
You know, we (F2F group) had a topic on "trust," and trusting people in and out of AA to adhere to the principles of anonymity in open AND closed meetings. I don't know about you, but I believe I was the ONLY one in my circle of peeps that didn't believe I was an alcoholic! :)
Anyway, back to the subject: When you feel like sharing, I'm willing to listen. Judgement free. :)
You know, we (F2F group) had a topic on "trust," and trusting people in and out of AA to adhere to the principles of anonymity in open AND closed meetings. I don't know about you, but I believe I was the ONLY one in my circle of peeps that didn't believe I was an alcoholic! :)
Anyway, back to the subject: When you feel like sharing, I'm willing to listen. Judgement free. :)
Howdy Skg and Lacey
The untouchables are the things that I THINK(mmmm) if i share them then i will be seen in a different light or called a bstard or the predominantly female (fear sets in) posters will hang draw and quarter meLOL
It is mainly to do with my relationship with Jen and all the things to do with love which i only found the true meaning of when i got into recovery, i will post in time as the door to my fear room has been left open now so things can come and go
Light and love zac
The untouchables are the things that I THINK(mmmm) if i share them then i will be seen in a different light or called a bstard or the predominantly female (fear sets in) posters will hang draw and quarter meLOL
It is mainly to do with my relationship with Jen and all the things to do with love which i only found the true meaning of when i got into recovery, i will post in time as the door to my fear room has been left open now so things can come and go
Light and love zac
I like to hear what really has happened to people because I feel like I'm not alone. I did some really awful things back in the dark days of my past that are very hard to come to terms with. I couldn't do them as a sober person, it wouldn't be possible. Only the alcohol allowed them. I think I would be hung drawn and quatered if some people knew the real truth!
I think you are wonderful Zac! When you write things that you might think will be received negatively, I am grateful for them.
I am grateful for the wisdom of your lengthy sobriety, and of course - your light and love!!
Keep being brilliant!!
I think you are wonderful Zac! When you write things that you might think will be received negatively, I am grateful for them.
I am grateful for the wisdom of your lengthy sobriety, and of course - your light and love!!
Keep being brilliant!!
Well, you know you can share or not share as they belong to you and you alone. "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development,
we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not
do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us-sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."
we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not
do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us-sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."
