I have been dating this guy for about 3 years he is 7 years older than me and was a heroin junkie. he went to rehab and was clean for 4 years then we started dating after dating for a year and a half he relapsed with his brother. i only realised 7 months afterwards i was devastated from realising that everything was a lie i picked up my stuff and left but he convinced me to go back, that it was just a mistake. then i must tell u i dont know anything about drugs how it work not even how it feels i was just never intrested so i dont know the signs, but i caught him again and again then i told his family we sorted it out and u see i would leave but he is such a nice guy with so much potential and is doing good in his work after he has lost everything and i know if i leave him it will get totally out of hand coz the only reason he isnt lying in a ditch somewhere is because i catch him everytime then he stays clean for a while. the only thing is in the proses it feels like i am dying inside and i am so trapped cos i know i dont deserve this but how do u leave and not feel like u are deserting him. the reason why i am writing this is coz i dont have anyone to talk to if i tell his family they always tell him and my family will kill me. i am so paranoid all the time checking him up not wanting him to leave my sight. if anyone can give me advice please it feels like i am losing it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing you do or say will make any difference to him. His addiction is his, not yours to bear. HurtDad...need you to post here with your links! Until he is lying in that ditch, he will not stop...every time you catch him you are stopping from entering the hell he needs to enter in order to want to break free. You seem to know that you have to break free of him for your own health and sanity and happiness...but feel guilty that you are abandoning him. I had those feelings too...and guilt...felt that I was not honouring promises I had made to myself...that I was showing weakness...quite the opposite...the strength you will show in walking away will not only save you but will save him too.
You cannot help him. Everything you are doing is enabling him to keep safe and sound in his addiction.
Please take care of yourself. Be your own number one priority. And come back and let us know how you're doing.
Much love, Maddy x x x
You cannot help him. Everything you are doing is enabling him to keep safe and sound in his addiction.
Please take care of yourself. Be your own number one priority. And come back and let us know how you're doing.
Much love, Maddy x x x
i hear what u say maddy the only problem i have with that is that i know he wants to stop and settle down coz everytime when he is clean and we talk about it coz family is very important to him, he says that he wants to its just that heroin never leaves him and when he comes near it he cant say no so i want to help him and i will go to extreme lenghts. if u can maybe tell me how i can do that what can i do to monitor his improvement so that he knows he cant lie anymore his family already said if he relapses again he will be disowned and that is his biggest fear at the moment. and he has gotten so clever with hiding it, and i cant test him cos there is no such place near my town.
Please visit the family & friends board & do alot of reading about codependency. Do a search at the bottom.
As HB said, there are lots of people that will help you on the Friends/Families board...
I know he wants to get clean, that cmily is important to him, you are important to him, you want to do what you can to help him, anything, make personal sacrifices even...I know because I have been there. The addict in my life also felt that he didn't quite fit the pattern of a normal H addict either...he has a good job, a supportive and loving family, he has me in his life, he wanted to get clean...
But I couldn't help him. I tried, believe me I tried...and I am still there for him...but an addict needs to hit rock nottom before they will pull themselves out...if they ever can...maybe he will get clean...but he will have to do it alone...for himself...not for you or his family...
Please read the posts by a recovering addict called Passion...you will find links to them in HurtDad's signature...you'll find him on the families board...
It has taken me months of heartache to reach the place where I am now...you will have to take your own journey. There is pain ahead for you either way...I am so sorry you are in this situation. If you choose to stay with him you have to accept that he may never get clean...you have to choose to be with him regardless...and that means lies and manipulation...
Maddy x x x
I know he wants to get clean, that cmily is important to him, you are important to him, you want to do what you can to help him, anything, make personal sacrifices even...I know because I have been there. The addict in my life also felt that he didn't quite fit the pattern of a normal H addict either...he has a good job, a supportive and loving family, he has me in his life, he wanted to get clean...
But I couldn't help him. I tried, believe me I tried...and I am still there for him...but an addict needs to hit rock nottom before they will pull themselves out...if they ever can...maybe he will get clean...but he will have to do it alone...for himself...not for you or his family...
Please read the posts by a recovering addict called Passion...you will find links to them in HurtDad's signature...you'll find him on the families board...
It has taken me months of heartache to reach the place where I am now...you will have to take your own journey. There is pain ahead for you either way...I am so sorry you are in this situation. If you choose to stay with him you have to accept that he may never get clean...you have to choose to be with him regardless...and that means lies and manipulation...
Maddy x x x
Hi Sally,
First off I am so sorry for the problems you are having and that you have endured all this.
Seondly, I'm a heroin addict. What Maddy and HB are telling you is spot on.
Fear of being disowned........I took the chance........fear of losing your child.....I took that chance..........you name it we all took that chance.
It's understandable you want to help this good person........you love him, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do if he soesn't help himself first.
You can become a detective..........be paranoid..........keep checking.......you'll live your life like that........thus how you are losing YOURSELF........we lie, sneak, steal, and on and on........it's heroin........and we don't care what you think or say or do............cry, beg, plead.........you name it......our drugs are more important.
It is NOTHING PERSONAL..............and he's not dead in a ditch because of you.........in all due respect...........you're being a martyr............until he makes up his mind he is ready to get clean.......there's not a thing you can do to HELP HIM!
Be there for him when he proves he's getting help........make a plan......set boundaries...........and stick to them.........that's what you can do........in the meantime please care for yourself..........because we don't worry about anyone else.........we worry about heroin.........end of story.
Note I am not saying he is a bad person.........or does not love you, AND as you mentioned your family would kill you if they knew........obviously you have to hide this............and anything you have to hide is not right.......the drug got a pull like something you can't even fathom.......there is hope indeed, but he has to want this and prove it........hope you feel a little better and again we're not trying to hurt your feelings or belittle him...........just wanted to add to this as being an addict we can tell you how it works.
First off I am so sorry for the problems you are having and that you have endured all this.
Seondly, I'm a heroin addict. What Maddy and HB are telling you is spot on.
Fear of being disowned........I took the chance........fear of losing your child.....I took that chance..........you name it we all took that chance.
It's understandable you want to help this good person........you love him, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do if he soesn't help himself first.
You can become a detective..........be paranoid..........keep checking.......you'll live your life like that........thus how you are losing YOURSELF........we lie, sneak, steal, and on and on........it's heroin........and we don't care what you think or say or do............cry, beg, plead.........you name it......our drugs are more important.
It is NOTHING PERSONAL..............and he's not dead in a ditch because of you.........in all due respect...........you're being a martyr............until he makes up his mind he is ready to get clean.......there's not a thing you can do to HELP HIM!
Be there for him when he proves he's getting help........make a plan......set boundaries...........and stick to them.........that's what you can do........in the meantime please care for yourself..........because we don't worry about anyone else.........we worry about heroin.........end of story.
Note I am not saying he is a bad person.........or does not love you, AND as you mentioned your family would kill you if they knew........obviously you have to hide this............and anything you have to hide is not right.......the drug got a pull like something you can't even fathom.......there is hope indeed, but he has to want this and prove it........hope you feel a little better and again we're not trying to hurt your feelings or belittle him...........just wanted to add to this as being an addict we can tell you how it works.
