Hi all. I am in therapy with my husband, but I'm afraid it won't work because of his weed use (and alcohol, but he smokes weed all the time). By all the time, I mean he is smoking weed every day, during the day - because his car smells like a smoker's car, and he doesn't smoke cigarettes - and then 4-7 hits off a bong at night Monday to Friday. His clothes and breath smell like he smokes cigarettes, which tells you how much weed he smokes. He smokes even more on the weekend. He also drinks at least 1 beer a night during the week at home (he often comes home "late"), and goes through several beers a day on the weekends at home. He often goes out to meet friends on the weekends as well.
Long story short: when we got married about 20 years ago, he was a casual weed user - about 1 or 2 hits off a pipe or bong, almost always on the weekends. I don't smoke weed; just never did, I preferred drinking. He and I would drink wine, but that slowed down pretty fast and we became occasional drinkers as we got older. I had a son, and couldn't drink.
We both worked, and my job was the kind of job where I worked 60 hours a week. His job was a 40 hour a week job, and not as stressful as mine. I still tried to spend as much time with our son as I could. Sometimes I received average reviews because I missed work to take care of him.
I became disabled due to an accident 5 years ago. I've been in constant pain ever since, and no longer work. I receive disability benefits, but my income dropped by 2/3. My husband is convinced that I'm lying when I tell him I'm in too much pain to go out, and I think that's when he started smoking daily. He also started lying to me - about little things, but they became bigger. I don't want to go into all of it here. He told me two years ago he was growing apart from me, after I talked to him about the fact he never talked to me or wanted to spend time with me anymore. We finally got into marriage therapy about 2 1/2 months ago, but he told me he'd rather give up our marriage than stop smoking weed.
For all but the last 5 years of our marriage, I made a lot more money than he did. Now that I'm disabled, and seeing two different doctors every 3 months, he thinks I'm not really in pain, and he'd rather get high than talk to me. He blames me for our marriage problems. I know a marriage is two people. I'm sure I am responsible for half of our problems. I get frustrated when he doesn't pay attention to me, and I yell. But he thinks only 20% of the problems are him, and his weed has nothing to do with it.
The only time he's nice to me is if he's stoned. Otherwise, he ignores me or tells me I talk to much, or yells at me if he's not stoned yet. My therapist knows all this.
I don't know what to do. In our state, if I leave our house, he can call a lawyer and say I abandoned him, so since he's never hit me, I'm trapped here.
Does anyone have any ideas? Our son turns 18 in May.
Do you mean, if you go to the store and come home to a locked house, he can say you abandoned him? Or that if you pack up and leave to get out he can say you abandoned him? Sorry - just want to be clear.
Can you consult a lawyer? File for divorce, but stay in the home so that way you aren't at risk of losing your home, but can get a divorce and let a judge sort it out? If you want out of the marriage without losing your home, I'd suggest calling a lawyer and getting a consult to see how a lawyer would advise you to handle it so you don't lose your home.
As for the drug abuse, I'm sorry. When my fiance' was in the midst of addiction, I hated the whole "I love you, I love you, I want you, I need you..." when he was high but then sober he'd be a jerk. It's a rollercoaster of emotions dealing with someone who can't accept any blame for their actions and how they affect the people they love (or supposedly love).
Hang in there... consult a lawyer, that's my best advice, because it sounds like you feel trapped and a lawyer can guide you through the best way to end it without losing everything.
Can you consult a lawyer? File for divorce, but stay in the home so that way you aren't at risk of losing your home, but can get a divorce and let a judge sort it out? If you want out of the marriage without losing your home, I'd suggest calling a lawyer and getting a consult to see how a lawyer would advise you to handle it so you don't lose your home.
As for the drug abuse, I'm sorry. When my fiance' was in the midst of addiction, I hated the whole "I love you, I love you, I want you, I need you..." when he was high but then sober he'd be a jerk. It's a rollercoaster of emotions dealing with someone who can't accept any blame for their actions and how they affect the people they love (or supposedly love).
Hang in there... consult a lawyer, that's my best advice, because it sounds like you feel trapped and a lawyer can guide you through the best way to end it without losing everything.
I asked a family member who is a lawyer. She said if I move out, it's abandonment, but I can file for divorce - but if I do, in our state, we'll have to sell the house and split the proceeds, and he won't help me do that...so I want to try to save our marriage. I talked to him again this morning and he said he'd try, but still thinks it's my problem. He doesn't see a problem with getting high every day. My son now thinks it's okay too, even though he sees us fighting about it. He agrees with his father.
Oh, and I wasn't clear...if I file for divorce, I have to stay married to him for 2 years before we can get a divorce - and only then can we sell the house. So I have nowhere to go.
Oh, and I wasn't clear...if I file for divorce, I have to stay married to him for 2 years before we can get a divorce - and only then can we sell the house. So I have nowhere to go.
Oh man, it sounds like you're really in a tough spot. I hope therapy works and things turn out good for you.
I'm shocked divorce laws are so awful where you are. I'll be praying that therapy works and you all can get through this!
I'm shocked divorce laws are so awful where you are. I'll be praying that therapy works and you all can get through this!
BeccaJoy, thanks for your advice and kind words. You have been through hell to be where you are. I'm going to take a page from your journey story and try to believe that it is his issue, not mine. My husband is nowhere near hitting bottom, and that is co-dependence, I know. My mom was married to an alcoholic who abusive to all of us, and her mom was, too. I fell into the trap. I am embarrassed, and my friends just tell me to leave him, or to stop talking about it. They are right. I have decided to go to a support group, separate out as much disposable income each month as I can so I am not contributing household money to his addiction, and give it up to God. I have started looking for Nar Anon groups in our area.
