9yrs old- first drink. yuck, what is this. who would drink that, it taste like rubbing alcohol. hmm maybe one more sip. well maybe not thta bad.
10yrs old- ask friends "wanna drink on friday? my mom has vodka, i can get some." school dance- drink with friends. puke all over dance floor. kicked out mom is called. mom yells but thats it.
11yrs old. drink with friends all weekend. steal from friends mom. ice skating drunk. not fun, rather sit and listen to music. friend get caught by security gaurd calls parents. weekly accurance. we think its funny.
12yrs old- still drinking, mix with hot tea to take to school. "we are soooo cool!"
drink on school nights and weekends, 1st time i ever hard a beer. hmmm can't hid as well, not sure if i even like this. rather drink vodka or rum. well if its what we can get then whatever.
tried smoking weed for 1st time. sh*t this is great. laugh so freaking hard. we need more of this, heck yeah. this beats drinking. well maybe not.but its still cool.
herion- whoa i won't ever touch that stuff. look how ML's brother is. i don't want to be like that.
drunk, high(weed) bored this is getting old.need something new.
MLs brother shows me his stuff. wow its not so bad looking. hmmm i wanna try it. no way tho i don't wanna be all f*cked up like him.
week later call MLs brother ask him about it.
says i can ty a little if i promise not to tell his sistertr.
so excited all week. can't wait till friday.
friday- meet with ML'a brother. shows me what it is and how he does it. whoa i'm not putting that in my arm!! no way.! he said i don't have too. i can snort it up my nose. well that doesn't sound too bad. scared tho. hmmm maybe i shouldn't . hmm don't want to be a wussy. * deep breath* ok here i go.. oh wow, sh*t this is terrible. my nose burns. yuck it taste sooo bad. i thin i'm going to puke it taste so bad. tell me not too, calm down its cool. settle down. hmm this isn't so bad. oh sh*t i'm going to puke. well puke everywhere.hmm wow i feel unrreal. this is awsome. holy cow no wonder he does this all the time. wow.
didn't touch it again for a year
kept drinking and smoking weed.
13yrs old. still drinking, smoking weed. try herion again. still not sure. too scared to do too offten. rather drink.
14yrs old still drinking. daily at school. put in coffee/ tea drink all morning. smoke weed at lunch. after school crash out.
15yrs old- still drinking, smoking weed.herion, more offten. introduced to crack.
wow, this is so great. i can clean my room. stay up parting all night. wow. i like this
16yrs drinking still, nightly now. 3 case of beer with friends, stop going to school everyday or on time.
try LSD- OMG this is the best sh*t ever. daily we trip. wow i can't beileve how cool this is. drinking, stop smoking weed as much. LSD is so much better.
herion on weekend, crack on school night/mornings.
shrooms/ acid go to raves.
try special K. not sure if i like it. try once more. don't like rather have lsd/ ecasty. more raves, more parties. skipping school more or going for couple hours. grades still good so noone cares.
17yrs old. smoking crack almost daily. dope on off days. lsd daily. drinking nightly. man i'm ttired. steal brother ritalin. snort 1/2 script. damn up for 3/4 days. twitching. don't like this sh*t. use heroin to come down to sleep. sleep for 2 days.
herion become ever 3 days. don't want to be addicted. or sick. 3 days using days without. i should be fine.
find out i'm pregnant.oh sh*t mom will freak. f*ck now what. i don;t want a kids. , i can't party then. hmm what am i going to do. graduate high school.
stop all drugs an drinking cold turkey. no withdrawl. not bad just achy. stay clean all 9 months. beautiful baby gir born. so happy. still clean. breastfeeding still clean, baby is wonderful. baby 2 months. go out with friends, smoke crack. drinking again.
18yrs- oh hell one nights cool its been a year. herion again, hmmmm this is awsome. keep using till boyfriend want to try to have another baby.
19yrs - get clean. stay clean. for a year. preganant with son. soooo happy no drugs no drinking. things are going good.
20yrs old married, drinking sometimes. husband smokes week. i don't.
21 yrs partty yeah i'm 21 party all night kids with mom. so i can have fun. drink too much.
22yrs drinking nightly, start with herion again.
23yrs. still suing. getting so sick of bing sick.
24yrs- still using try suboxone. last 2 months. back to using
25yrs.- got clean, stay clean feb/ march 2006
26yrs.- still clean- have another baby. beautiful daughter.
27yrs- still clean
relasp, clean , its always a cycle. 4 years clean then back to nothing.
its a long cycle ofthe same thing over and over again. being sick and broke. tired of being sick and broke. never seems to change.thet only thing that changes is that we learn each relasp and each time we fall and each bottom.
i don't know. i've spent more that 70% of my like f*cked up and its hard to learn to live sober. and heathly.
i guess there was no poin to this post, just felt like i should share.
raerae
Glad you shared.
k
k
That timeline starts when you were pretty young. Not that I was that much older
When we actually write it down it looks crazy, dont it?
I see you stayed clean for years at a time- -something I never did when I was active
Thanks for making me think this morning
muchrespect&peaceToyou
jack
When we actually write it down it looks crazy, dont it?
I see you stayed clean for years at a time- -something I never did when I was active
Thanks for making me think this morning
muchrespect&peaceToyou
jack
you know its sad, i could have gone into much more detail. i remember every drug, and how i felt on it. but i can't remember my 1st kiss, date, love, high school graduation, honeymoon. ect...
the only thing i can remember is the drugs, and those things that went with it.
(i do remember everything with my kids, for some reason i put that highest in my memory bank. they are the most important thing to me. )
but it is sad, how i only thought about the drugs.
raerae
the only thing i can remember is the drugs, and those things that went with it.
(i do remember everything with my kids, for some reason i put that highest in my memory bank. they are the most important thing to me. )
but it is sad, how i only thought about the drugs.
raerae
Rarae,
looking back do you think that alcohol and weed caused you to segue into the more powerful drugs...heroin crack etc.
do you also feel that you must be completely abstinent from all mood altering type substances or can you use weed or alcohol to help quell the desire for the 'harder' stuff?
what triggered your relapse anyway?
luv ya old pal MARY
looking back do you think that alcohol and weed caused you to segue into the more powerful drugs...heroin crack etc.
do you also feel that you must be completely abstinent from all mood altering type substances or can you use weed or alcohol to help quell the desire for the 'harder' stuff?
what triggered your relapse anyway?
luv ya old pal MARY
gateway drugs? hmmm- well i don't really think weed/booze led me anywhere. it was the people that led me to harder drugs. i can drink and not want herion/crack, ect... i sorta grew tired of weed, i just got bored with it. i think i was at a point where i wasn't even smoking it anymore. i was drinking daily. then a friends brother introduced me to herion and crack. i would drive around with him and his friends and they would let me try what they had. they were all 5 years older than me. even when my friends we smoking weed i wouldn't i would much rather be snorting pills or dope. i have always enjoyed the high much more. and thats the hardest part. even now i miss the feeling of the rush.
what casued my relasp? hmmm i don't think it was really one thing or another. it was sh*t piled up and shoved down. not dealing caused my relasp i guess. acting like sh*t rolled off me, when in reality i was shoving it down deeper and deeper everytime something bother me. or hurt, me. alot of it reacently stems from missing my life. i miss my husband more and more recently. and don't know why. i also just got to a point where i didn't see the point anymore. i wanted that feeling so bad i think that i told myself it didn;t matter anymore. what is the point became, there is no point. f*ck it. ect... and again it was that dreaded beast waking up and talking in my head.
do i think all drugs and booze should be advoided. hmm, well i'm not sure. sometimes. i convince myself i think that its ok to drink cause i don't have a problem with it. but in all realality i do. i binge drink and will continue to do so unless i realize this. i can't drink, just like i can't use just one time.
anyways, just my opinions i guess.
how are you anyways?
hope you are well.
luv
raerae
what casued my relasp? hmmm i don't think it was really one thing or another. it was sh*t piled up and shoved down. not dealing caused my relasp i guess. acting like sh*t rolled off me, when in reality i was shoving it down deeper and deeper everytime something bother me. or hurt, me. alot of it reacently stems from missing my life. i miss my husband more and more recently. and don't know why. i also just got to a point where i didn't see the point anymore. i wanted that feeling so bad i think that i told myself it didn;t matter anymore. what is the point became, there is no point. f*ck it. ect... and again it was that dreaded beast waking up and talking in my head.
do i think all drugs and booze should be advoided. hmm, well i'm not sure. sometimes. i convince myself i think that its ok to drink cause i don't have a problem with it. but in all realality i do. i binge drink and will continue to do so unless i realize this. i can't drink, just like i can't use just one time.
anyways, just my opinions i guess.
how are you anyways?
hope you are well.
luv
raerae
My gosh, Raerae! And I thought my son kept his guardian angel working overtime! I think you have him beat! I'm so glad you're still here with us!
Love,
Susan
Love,
Susan
susan,
some things i will never understand, like how so many people who are good people die everyday from accidents, cancer, heart problems, murder, ect... it psins me to know little children die everyday and deserve everyright to live a full life. why are some lives cut so short, when they have done nothing to deserve it? i have done the total opposite. i have OD many times, done too much, too fast. i have put my own life on that thin line between life and death. i have driven drunk and high, totaled cars and walked away without a scratch on me. i have fallen down steps, been stab and shot at. but walk away without a bruise. i don;t believe in god in most sence of the word or how most do, but its like the saying goes, "god watches the drunks , fools and the idiots." but why doesn't he watch the innocent.? i'm 27 yrs old. and plan on living a full life, i have three kids who need me and i want to watch them grow up. i think there is only so much one person can walk away from unscaved. so maybe i do have a angel, and i bet he is pretty worn out by now.:) just as your son's most likly is too.
but i also know with each experience comes knowledge, and knowledge is power. so each mistake ,each fall ,gives me more to learn from for the long road ahead of me. my life is always the rockier road, but its the road i chose. so maybe a little protection won't hurt ,lord only knows i need it!
i hope your son is well. don't worry too much. he will be fine, and so will i. thanks for caring and your kind words.
luv
rae
some things i will never understand, like how so many people who are good people die everyday from accidents, cancer, heart problems, murder, ect... it psins me to know little children die everyday and deserve everyright to live a full life. why are some lives cut so short, when they have done nothing to deserve it? i have done the total opposite. i have OD many times, done too much, too fast. i have put my own life on that thin line between life and death. i have driven drunk and high, totaled cars and walked away without a scratch on me. i have fallen down steps, been stab and shot at. but walk away without a bruise. i don;t believe in god in most sence of the word or how most do, but its like the saying goes, "god watches the drunks , fools and the idiots." but why doesn't he watch the innocent.? i'm 27 yrs old. and plan on living a full life, i have three kids who need me and i want to watch them grow up. i think there is only so much one person can walk away from unscaved. so maybe i do have a angel, and i bet he is pretty worn out by now.:) just as your son's most likly is too.
but i also know with each experience comes knowledge, and knowledge is power. so each mistake ,each fall ,gives me more to learn from for the long road ahead of me. my life is always the rockier road, but its the road i chose. so maybe a little protection won't hurt ,lord only knows i need it!
i hope your son is well. don't worry too much. he will be fine, and so will i. thanks for caring and your kind words.
luv
rae
Raerae, thanks for the post, good read. If only we knew back then what we know now, eh?
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Rae I think its great you put that in writing. In a real short and sweet way it shows the insanity of our disease. And what you wrote is a description of a progressive disease IMO anyway.
Good stuff-Thanks
Jeffrey
Good stuff-Thanks
Jeffrey
Rae,
You started younger than me, but I see the pattern in you that I followed.
There is a reason that you go back to using. Just as there was for me.
Each time it's easier to get hooked, isn't it? I got where one good blast of heroin would give me three days of mild withdrawals!
I never knew why I would relapse (by the way, the p comes before the s in relapse)
But I kind of knew there was something that was causing it. I figured I'd deal with it sometime, when it came to me.
But it never just came to me. It was burried. Deep.
So I always relapsed. Always.
Till I just about died for the umpteenth time. I'm 55 now.
That's how long it took me to wake up!
Now I go to NA and I'm in recovery.
I would advise you to wake up sooner than I did. You even have kids that I'm sure you'd like to grow old with!
Shooting heroin will kill you one day if you keep it up. And your kids will cry.
Mark
You started younger than me, but I see the pattern in you that I followed.
There is a reason that you go back to using. Just as there was for me.
Each time it's easier to get hooked, isn't it? I got where one good blast of heroin would give me three days of mild withdrawals!
I never knew why I would relapse (by the way, the p comes before the s in relapse)
But I kind of knew there was something that was causing it. I figured I'd deal with it sometime, when it came to me.
But it never just came to me. It was burried. Deep.
So I always relapsed. Always.
Till I just about died for the umpteenth time. I'm 55 now.
That's how long it took me to wake up!
Now I go to NA and I'm in recovery.
I would advise you to wake up sooner than I did. You even have kids that I'm sure you'd like to grow old with!
Shooting heroin will kill you one day if you keep it up. And your kids will cry.
Mark
todd,
i never even realized i had the p and s mixed up thanks for the spelling lesson.
anyways, i know it will kill me, my dad OD when i was 17 and he died. i'm lucky i have made it this far. too many od's to even count anymore. which is so sadly sick to even think of. trust me i want to grow old and watch my kids get married, have kids, ect.... its not like i don't try. i have had many years of clean time, most recently 4, but for some reason i always throw it away for that feeling again. and i know its wrong and what the outcome will be. but i tell myself it will be ok, just one this time. i won't go back down that road, this time. ect.... you know the song and dance i'm sure. anyways, i have taken a good look at myself this time. i'm a couple days short of 90 days celan, and for once i can say i'm actually doing it and not my way for once. i have started going to two groups and NA meetings. so since my way never works for long, maybe their way will. we shall see. but i do have a strong feeling it will work if i actually work it.
rae
i never even realized i had the p and s mixed up thanks for the spelling lesson.
anyways, i know it will kill me, my dad OD when i was 17 and he died. i'm lucky i have made it this far. too many od's to even count anymore. which is so sadly sick to even think of. trust me i want to grow old and watch my kids get married, have kids, ect.... its not like i don't try. i have had many years of clean time, most recently 4, but for some reason i always throw it away for that feeling again. and i know its wrong and what the outcome will be. but i tell myself it will be ok, just one this time. i won't go back down that road, this time. ect.... you know the song and dance i'm sure. anyways, i have taken a good look at myself this time. i'm a couple days short of 90 days celan, and for once i can say i'm actually doing it and not my way for once. i have started going to two groups and NA meetings. so since my way never works for long, maybe their way will. we shall see. but i do have a strong feeling it will work if i actually work it.
rae
Yeah, it will.
Don't make the mistake of minimizing the spiritual aspect.
That's where the magic of the thing springs from.
In my opinion.
Anyway, Right On sweetie! You n me are on our way!
Mark
Don't make the mistake of minimizing the spiritual aspect.
That's where the magic of the thing springs from.
In my opinion.
Anyway, Right On sweetie! You n me are on our way!
Mark
WOW,
Thats something. You have done alot in your life. But you seem like you are strong and have learned alot. I hope you make it and have a great life, and enjoy watching your kids grow up..
Carrie
p.s. Sorry this is my 1st post i can't figure outhow to register yet.
Thats something. You have done alot in your life. But you seem like you are strong and have learned alot. I hope you make it and have a great life, and enjoy watching your kids grow up..
Carrie
p.s. Sorry this is my 1st post i can't figure outhow to register yet.
It's been awhile since I've heard from you. How r things? After a bit, you begin to wonder about some people. Hope you're doing well. Mike.
hey i'm good. how have you been? just working alot. never enough time in my day, ya know. o'well the joys of being an adult. lol
hope you are well.
raerae
hope you are well.
raerae
