Av not posted in a while and I need a little moan...hope I dont bore ya all too much.
Right well....on Monday Kevin had sh*t loads of gear and I told him "right enoughs enough, you aint doing anything to sort yourself out, I said I would give you time, you've had time and you've waisted it". He begged as he does and eventually got the better of me...as he does. He promised me he was going to give it 100%. OK so Tuesday he had nothing at all, all day but the gear was probs still in his system cos he had had that much the night before. He started getting a little ill towards the end of the night but was given some sleeping pills from his drugs worker so took some of them and an 8mg subitex. Slept through and today, he took another tablet this morning with some yellows and had a sleep, everything was fine, then he remembered he had swallowed his subby. Does he think I am stupid..I mean he aint that thick to forget to put it under his tongue!!! Anyway today he wanted to go collect some money from his mate "mate being another user". I knew why he was going but there was no persuading him to change his mind....he needed to get out ad get some fresh air...uuhhhum I offered to go to the park with him and my daughter...nope he wanted to get his money while he was still feeling ok. He went out and so did I. I now know where this guy lives and its only 5 mins walk from here so I went to see if his van was there. I saw a replica of his van and my heart was racing but low and behold it was a council van not his...phew pannick over until I got round the corner. Why didnt I realise he wont park his car direct outside the house incase anyone he knows sees it there!! Anyway I rang him he said he was sat there waiting for the guy to get back with his money...so he was waiting with this guys girlfriend. For a start he goes to score with this girl. Whether there is anything in this or not I dont like the fact that he is taking her let alone sitting in her home with her, probably having a smoke. Different if it was me!!!! Anyway he rang 20 mins later moaning he had no petrol in van and his Dad wouldnt lend him any money and he was getting realy mad....I said right come down I will give you 20 pounds to fill up but I want a receipt. Yip NO RECEIPT!!! and when I got home he was out of it.....Ohhhh I have had loads of yellows. Come on I mean I know by now what he looks like when he has had gear and when he has had something else. Anyway I have told him although he swears he hasnt had anything that there is no future for us and to leave me alone. Once again he wont go but cant let me go with our daughter. I hate to say but I think thats what its going to come to. I cried my eyes out and told him I cant take anymore. I need to be with someone who makes me feel secure, safe, loved etc etc. He has nothing to offer me anymore and from past experience I have realised that I am waisting mylife with him when I know I dont want to be with him any longer!!
Firstly I know I shouldnt of give him money but secondly if I had stopped him going out then he wouldnt of done it!! Am so mad cos as usual he done so well then threw it all away. It would of been 48 hours in an hour and am furious!!
I know it aint my fault but I feel mad at myself for falling for it all again. He is going to his sisters on Sunday to do work at hers and thats why he was supposedly getting better. His sister will know if he takes anything and she has only just started speaking to him again.
I really think that he needs to hit rock bottom and see that I am not gonna take his sh*t then he may realise what he is doing and it may give him the fight he needs. He at the moment is a mess, skin and bones, dark eyes and gouching all the time. I really cant stand him right now. He makes my skin crawl and makes me so so so mad!!
I am loosing control of myself and I dont no who the hell I am anymore let alone who he is. I just want to be on my own so I dont need to worry about anyone other than myself and my daughter. I cant cope with the constant worrying about him, looking after him, walking on egg shells when he is rattling!! I just cant no more.
I just prey to god that he goes to his sisters on Sunday and leaves me alone. He asks me if he gets better will I have him back. I tell him maybe because if he dont have nothing to fight for he wont fight right?? But I honestly think there is no future left for us, We are too completely different people and I think we want different things??
I have tried learning more about drugs, talk to people who have problems, I even went in to see his drugs worker with him and got her to give him the dam sleeping pills. It seems nothng I can do is getting him any closer to beating this addiction and I am getting so frustrated cos I know he aint gonna do it unless he wants to and there is nothing I can do but I still insist on trying, because if people in clinics can help then why cant I??? AHHHHHHH! Am so f****d off!!
Anyway I feel better already getting that off my chest!! Although I feel messed up I know what I got to do and I also know what I am doing wrong and that I cant help this fool. I just hate giving up!! I aint a quiter but I realise whatever I do aint getting us or him anywhere!!
Lynds xx
Sorry to go on again but I am in tears and dont know where else to turn. Am hurting so bad. I have told him that ithas to end and he has to go. I know what he is planning now and I actually know what he is capable of. I need advice...do I still let him go knowing what he is going to do and feel responsible or do I let him continue to make me feel trapped till the situation is better then let him down gently?? What is a heroin addict capable of when they loose everything?? I have heard so many bad stories about these kind of things but also that it can make them reach rock bottom and you cant rise until you have been to the bottom...the lowest.
I am so confused because I feel whatever I choose to do may affect his life, but it aint all his life I am worried about because if he did choose to do something silly, its me that is going to have to explain to our daughter in years to come that Mammy didnt want to be with Daddy anymore so he killed himself.
Kevin hasnt had his Dad in his life and I can see history repeating itself very soon.
I want my little girl to have a Daddy so bad but right now he aint got anything to offer me or her!! She does still lover her Daddy but Ii can see in her eyes she knows something is off, and gets scared when he gets mad. He wouldnt ever hurt her though!
I feel so so tired. I have a job interview in the morning AND realy I should be in bed trying to refresh myself for in themorning but my head isup my a** and I cant think straight.
x
I am so confused because I feel whatever I choose to do may affect his life, but it aint all his life I am worried about because if he did choose to do something silly, its me that is going to have to explain to our daughter in years to come that Mammy didnt want to be with Daddy anymore so he killed himself.
Kevin hasnt had his Dad in his life and I can see history repeating itself very soon.
I want my little girl to have a Daddy so bad but right now he aint got anything to offer me or her!! She does still lover her Daddy but Ii can see in her eyes she knows something is off, and gets scared when he gets mad. He wouldnt ever hurt her though!
I feel so so tired. I have a job interview in the morning AND realy I should be in bed trying to refresh myself for in themorning but my head isup my a** and I cant think straight.
x
Oh honey...........baby girl I am so sorry.............oh Bunny!
People in clinics DO NOT get ya well.............they are there to teach ya ways to cope..........you are a FIXER..........a care giver.........a dear heart and ya wanna so help him, but honey ya know.........and the truth hurts.
Bunny honest to heaven, God, whoever, whatever...........he CAN NOT HEAR YOU...........he hears the words and he sees your tears and he feels bad I am sure...........but his head, his mind every fiber of him as you cry is thinking more dope, more dope, more dope...........I leave I'm cut off from the $20.00 petrol.......I leave I got no place to sleep.............I leave?????????????????
Right now you don't count...........that's a drug talking to ya living in your house, BR and you're feeding the monster........you are worried he'll hurt himself or worse.........is that it.............and you will feel responsible.........NO NO.....how's about if he OD'd................he could buy dope cause he don't have to buy gas for the van............are ya responsible?
Bunny Rocker, I know, I know you love him and he is your daughter's father......but baby ya ain't helping him.............you aren't...........he had all that heroin............he was having a blast.
Yeah, yeah we do that........I did probably a hundred times.....ask Tres she did too and Zero Girl and Diff will tell ya and the guys like Herman, Davey, Kev, and Robbie.............heckah Tin Man will tell ya we all did it..........spend every fat red cent and do it all up...............feeling freaking great.........high in the nod the entire bit and we're gonna kick tomorrow..........ya saw what happened he got sick by the end of the night...........ya know it's coming and the great promise well it's easier not to carry through...........when ya got a place to sleep, and eat and someone handing ya loot....for gas money.
I tell ya what.............you tell him to leave............who will give him gas money? Huh? Ya know what it's like to WALK sick looking for dope? If ya think that chick will take him in.............who knows, but I can tell ya between addicts.......that's what it is nothing but heroin.........main thing........only thing and ya rip eachother off.......use eachother............lie, lie, lie.
That ain't gonna go down BR, and if it does I'd give it about a week tops.
I'm sorry Bunny Rocker..........I think you hit rock bottom, baby......please keep coming on, O.K. I'll worry about you.........I'm sorry we were not on.........when ya needed us......honey, stay calm..........easier said then done.......ya have to let him go........for your sanity...........as a mom...........you didn't do this to him, but you're not helping him...............and he has to help his damn self.
Sorry baby girl......it sucks........it all just sucks.
People in clinics DO NOT get ya well.............they are there to teach ya ways to cope..........you are a FIXER..........a care giver.........a dear heart and ya wanna so help him, but honey ya know.........and the truth hurts.
Bunny honest to heaven, God, whoever, whatever...........he CAN NOT HEAR YOU...........he hears the words and he sees your tears and he feels bad I am sure...........but his head, his mind every fiber of him as you cry is thinking more dope, more dope, more dope...........I leave I'm cut off from the $20.00 petrol.......I leave I got no place to sleep.............I leave?????????????????
Right now you don't count...........that's a drug talking to ya living in your house, BR and you're feeding the monster........you are worried he'll hurt himself or worse.........is that it.............and you will feel responsible.........NO NO.....how's about if he OD'd................he could buy dope cause he don't have to buy gas for the van............are ya responsible?
Bunny Rocker, I know, I know you love him and he is your daughter's father......but baby ya ain't helping him.............you aren't...........he had all that heroin............he was having a blast.
Yeah, yeah we do that........I did probably a hundred times.....ask Tres she did too and Zero Girl and Diff will tell ya and the guys like Herman, Davey, Kev, and Robbie.............heckah Tin Man will tell ya we all did it..........spend every fat red cent and do it all up...............feeling freaking great.........high in the nod the entire bit and we're gonna kick tomorrow..........ya saw what happened he got sick by the end of the night...........ya know it's coming and the great promise well it's easier not to carry through...........when ya got a place to sleep, and eat and someone handing ya loot....for gas money.
I tell ya what.............you tell him to leave............who will give him gas money? Huh? Ya know what it's like to WALK sick looking for dope? If ya think that chick will take him in.............who knows, but I can tell ya between addicts.......that's what it is nothing but heroin.........main thing........only thing and ya rip eachother off.......use eachother............lie, lie, lie.
That ain't gonna go down BR, and if it does I'd give it about a week tops.
I'm sorry Bunny Rocker..........I think you hit rock bottom, baby......please keep coming on, O.K. I'll worry about you.........I'm sorry we were not on.........when ya needed us......honey, stay calm..........easier said then done.......ya have to let him go........for your sanity...........as a mom...........you didn't do this to him, but you're not helping him...............and he has to help his damn self.
Sorry baby girl......it sucks........it all just sucks.
the only thing i can say that may be helpful "may not be helpful" is he won't quit if he can use AND still have a place to be comfortable. Honest from the heart i'ld still use TODAY if i could without any bad consequences. I was not totally ready to stop when i did. I really got in A spot that was so unpleasent I could not use anymore. Lost my home, my car, my kids, was OUT emotionally and pshycially exhaused, had tons of debt bad checks, real close to going to jail. All the time i used when anyone gave me money gave me a place to sleep it only made me fall deeper into addiction. I DID QUIT WHEN ALL OTHER OPTIONS were gone. No one would give me money family would not allow me in their homes. I had stole from my roomates, they stole from me. When it all came down to rock bottom i crawled my way back up. Bryn knows her stuff so take her advice to heart. Don't feel bad about sharing this with us, why the board is here. Seems we get a even split on this board of recovery addicts and wives/bf/gf/loved ones of addicts. It's a good place to get honest answers.
Baby I feel for you sooooooooooooo much and I relate to every word you say. One thing that really hit me from your post was this...you said you didn't wanna quit...I feel the same way...but it's not quitting. I felt like it would be admitting that I'm a failure, that I wasn't this strong stable person I thought I was, that when I made myself the promise that I wouldn't walk away from him I'd got it wrong...but it's not him you'd be walking away from, it's that damn f***ing s***ty heroin. I hate it. And the hitting rock bottom thing...I'm coming to that conclusion too...he told me yesterday that if it wasn't for me he'd have lost his job, I said maybe you need to lose your job, he said he thought maybe I was right but then he'd lose his flat, I said maybe you need to lose everything including me...that scared the s*** outta him. Me too.
Hunny, your daughter will think you incredibly brave if you can get yourself and her safe and happy...and so will I...it's such a hard thing to do because it involves coming to terms with the fact that you've failed in something you thought you could do...that damn drug beat ya, right? Wrong...you are not a failure, you're an amazing person who has done so much and given so much love. You deserve to get some back. Don't hope things will change...change them. It's like buying a tiny pair of jeans and hoping you'll shrink into them...it will never happen. Make yourself happy, Bunny. If he's what you want forever, with all that that entails, then stay. Only you know. But it's not failing or quitting to admit that his behaviour is not good enough for you.
I gotta go to work now but I'll check in after work to see how you're doing. Good luck Lynds, we're all here for you no matter what you choose to do.
Maddy x x x
Hunny, your daughter will think you incredibly brave if you can get yourself and her safe and happy...and so will I...it's such a hard thing to do because it involves coming to terms with the fact that you've failed in something you thought you could do...that damn drug beat ya, right? Wrong...you are not a failure, you're an amazing person who has done so much and given so much love. You deserve to get some back. Don't hope things will change...change them. It's like buying a tiny pair of jeans and hoping you'll shrink into them...it will never happen. Make yourself happy, Bunny. If he's what you want forever, with all that that entails, then stay. Only you know. But it's not failing or quitting to admit that his behaviour is not good enough for you.
I gotta go to work now but I'll check in after work to see how you're doing. Good luck Lynds, we're all here for you no matter what you choose to do.
Maddy x x x
Bunny, can't say much more than what already has been said, but maybe you leaving him for a while would be the best thing. It wasn't until i had lost my home, job, freedom and members of my family that i realised that i needed to do something.... Most will tell you on here that you have to reach your bottom to want to come off the H. Hope all works out for you, Kev
hey bunny i feel like im having a "deja fu" (spelling) but only it's not me it's you , how many times have i heard this ? what blagg am i gonna hear next? am i gonna find him dead in the bathroom ? is this my fault ? maybe i could off helped more? what did i do wrong ?i better hide all my small valuables incase he robs them in my daughters pillow case etc ...............................................
this is what is racing around in my mind 24/7 but i'll tell ya what when he is in prison i can breath clearly, i can live, i can leave my money where i please and not worry if it has gone . what a f***in life hey ? but i choose to live like this by making him my problem but im addicted to him i cant live with him and i cant live without him . things havent been too bad this last week as he is on a script of 8mg subbies and up too now he has been taking them but it's early days yet , he said a good point to me on tue i was going on saying have you took ya subbie ya better take it etc and he said "emma im not taking the subbie for you im taking it for myself " . it's true what he said it's not worth me going on to stop taking the gear because if he dont want to himself then he aint gonna stop and thats where i would end up being betrayed with the lies off him .
although i did say if you want heroin and the friends you have got then im not telling you not to have them im telling you that you can not have me and your kids aswell it's one or the other ..................
and that if you love me as much as you say you do you would be honest to me and stop hurting me and leave me alone to save the hurt ...............................
he said he has had enough off that life of drugs and crime and he has chose me and his kids . but like i said it's early days yet so i'll soon see and if he does slip back to satan then my only option is to waite till he goes back to prison and leave him for good when he is not in my face then it's easier to leave him he is on licence till november so if he is messing around with drugs i can assure you he will be back inside before november ........................................
bunny i dont think you are strong enough to leave him yet ? this is why your hurting so much more because you will worry about where he is , who he is with , what he is getting up too etc you know that atleast in your home you can keep an eye on him you know he is getting fed if he aint lost his appetite that is , correct me if im wrong i do appologise , the thing is you (i) cant waite around forever hoping and praying he will change , it's up to him if he wants to change and no one else xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
this is what is racing around in my mind 24/7 but i'll tell ya what when he is in prison i can breath clearly, i can live, i can leave my money where i please and not worry if it has gone . what a f***in life hey ? but i choose to live like this by making him my problem but im addicted to him i cant live with him and i cant live without him . things havent been too bad this last week as he is on a script of 8mg subbies and up too now he has been taking them but it's early days yet , he said a good point to me on tue i was going on saying have you took ya subbie ya better take it etc and he said "emma im not taking the subbie for you im taking it for myself " . it's true what he said it's not worth me going on to stop taking the gear because if he dont want to himself then he aint gonna stop and thats where i would end up being betrayed with the lies off him .
although i did say if you want heroin and the friends you have got then im not telling you not to have them im telling you that you can not have me and your kids aswell it's one or the other ..................
and that if you love me as much as you say you do you would be honest to me and stop hurting me and leave me alone to save the hurt ...............................
he said he has had enough off that life of drugs and crime and he has chose me and his kids . but like i said it's early days yet so i'll soon see and if he does slip back to satan then my only option is to waite till he goes back to prison and leave him for good when he is not in my face then it's easier to leave him he is on licence till november so if he is messing around with drugs i can assure you he will be back inside before november ........................................
bunny i dont think you are strong enough to leave him yet ? this is why your hurting so much more because you will worry about where he is , who he is with , what he is getting up too etc you know that atleast in your home you can keep an eye on him you know he is getting fed if he aint lost his appetite that is , correct me if im wrong i do appologise , the thing is you (i) cant waite around forever hoping and praying he will change , it's up to him if he wants to change and no one else xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Bunny - Your tears break my heart, but you are not ever responsible for the choices of another adult. Kevin will do what he will do and keeping him warm and comfortable while he does it will keep the behaviors coming. I know you love him, but this love has become a burden instead of the light and happiness it should be. I pray you find the way that's right for you.
Peace~MomNMore
Peace~MomNMore
you need to take that hard step of making a choice and sticking by it, being with a man like that in the state that he's in is only going to bring you missery and you know it, you need to get rid of him, you never know you doing that and sticking to your guns might give him a wake up call and he should want to do it for himself and even if he does sort himself out you should make it clear that does'nt mean you will take him back, he should want to get clean and then get on with his life and you with yours. Sometimes in relationships like ours you need to just cut and run, too much has gone on between you to ever make a go of it when you are both clean. You deserve someone else who can love you unconditionally and treat you in a way that you deserve. best of british my dear.
take care... Dan
take care... Dan
B R,
I have been where you are sort of the same a bit different and you know tears are something you need to get out before you get strong. I did a big sob one day bubbled like a tap for ages and then said no more cuz it wasn't helping.
Besides I don't cry pretty and end up with snot everywhere with big dark bags under my eyes - deciding not to cry is deciding to go forward that he's not worth it - well not at this minute the way he's behaving.
My man had 20 + years on the gear and no intention of stopping infact he said he's never be free of it and mostly he wasn't bothered if he lived or died. Okay it wasn't a Romeo and Juliette start to a romance but that was how it was at the start. And the wheeling and dealing and lies mostly because he didn't want me to know how big his habit was and also because he was ashamed of how it was.
Now he's not clean but he's getting there and what I want to say is this is such a slow thing it's one baby step after another and they keep falling down. People say they have to want it they have to hit their bottom and that is sort of true but I've never yet met an addict who didn't want to be clean - it's putting the effort in that they don't want to do. And hitting rock bottom for some that is so low it's a hole in the ground waiting around for someone to get there could take forever.
What you have to decide is can you stay in this relationship knowing he could always be on the gear, that even if he is clean that he can fall back into it at any time. If you think that he has to be clean and stay clean or else it won't work then run for the hills because there will never be a guarantee.
Everyone is different every situation is different for me 20+ years on the gear he wasn't going to get clean in a week, month or year maybe over a couple of years, maybe a relapse maybe never. I had rules, never use in my house, he never phoned his dealer from here, he didn't steal of borrow money anyhow so that wasn't an issue. But with rules I love him addict or not, on or off the gear he makes me happy, being with him is the best thing for me.
You have to ask yourself all these things over and over again.
Is he adding something good to your life, for me my bloke decided to quit because I never asked him to ( no logic there). Another addict could explain that to me sometime. Other blokes may see never asking them to quit as a sign that the partner is soft or stupid it depends on their integrity.
BR do what is best for you always.
you know what that is
karen
x
I have been where you are sort of the same a bit different and you know tears are something you need to get out before you get strong. I did a big sob one day bubbled like a tap for ages and then said no more cuz it wasn't helping.
Besides I don't cry pretty and end up with snot everywhere with big dark bags under my eyes - deciding not to cry is deciding to go forward that he's not worth it - well not at this minute the way he's behaving.
My man had 20 + years on the gear and no intention of stopping infact he said he's never be free of it and mostly he wasn't bothered if he lived or died. Okay it wasn't a Romeo and Juliette start to a romance but that was how it was at the start. And the wheeling and dealing and lies mostly because he didn't want me to know how big his habit was and also because he was ashamed of how it was.
Now he's not clean but he's getting there and what I want to say is this is such a slow thing it's one baby step after another and they keep falling down. People say they have to want it they have to hit their bottom and that is sort of true but I've never yet met an addict who didn't want to be clean - it's putting the effort in that they don't want to do. And hitting rock bottom for some that is so low it's a hole in the ground waiting around for someone to get there could take forever.
What you have to decide is can you stay in this relationship knowing he could always be on the gear, that even if he is clean that he can fall back into it at any time. If you think that he has to be clean and stay clean or else it won't work then run for the hills because there will never be a guarantee.
Everyone is different every situation is different for me 20+ years on the gear he wasn't going to get clean in a week, month or year maybe over a couple of years, maybe a relapse maybe never. I had rules, never use in my house, he never phoned his dealer from here, he didn't steal of borrow money anyhow so that wasn't an issue. But with rules I love him addict or not, on or off the gear he makes me happy, being with him is the best thing for me.
You have to ask yourself all these things over and over again.
Is he adding something good to your life, for me my bloke decided to quit because I never asked him to ( no logic there). Another addict could explain that to me sometime. Other blokes may see never asking them to quit as a sign that the partner is soft or stupid it depends on their integrity.
BR do what is best for you always.
you know what that is
karen
x
| QUOTE |
| if I had stopped him going out then he wouldnt of done it!! |
Yes. He would have.
You have probably read these before from Passion. But read them again.
f you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ...
resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ...
Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ...
but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safty net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Passion
Recovering Addict
You can't make me clean
I know it is what you want for me to be and until I want it - I won't be.
You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be.
I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me *the person* falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down *the person in me .. a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.
The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean.
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' you move over and allow me to find the my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself.
I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...
Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.
Passion
Recovering Addict
Thank you all so much for your replies. Al different in themselves but all making me realise what I have to do. Emz your right I dont think I quite have that strength to boot him out. I ask him but then he plays that mental s*** with me and...BANG back to square one!
HurtDad your post really touched me...brought tears to my eyes because every word made me realise what I have been doing. The part 'if you keep catching me when I fall, I will never feel the pain and hit rock bottom" Wow.
One thing that does make me think...I have stood by him for this long, he is getting closer every time...so close yet so far...maybe I should quite beng desperate for the REAL him to come back and start concentrating on my future whether he be in it or not!
I took one step further. Went for a job interview yesterday and Kiala (my lil girl) is having a trial at a private nursery on Monday. I need to get myself back into work before I can go back to being me....am gonna start having more me time. Met up with old friends from school last night and then ended up going for a few drinks and a chat about old times...GREAT....had a fab time...also going out tonight with my family, then for a meal tomorrow and HE aint invited.
Why should I be so worried about him, why should I build up all my strength in helping him through this.....why should I give a sh*t.....I SHOULDNT, I DONT HAVE TO AND I WONT!!
Thanks to you all so so much!
To me you are all angels, pointing me in the right direction and without your strength and advice...who knows where I would be xxxxxx
HurtDad your post really touched me...brought tears to my eyes because every word made me realise what I have been doing. The part 'if you keep catching me when I fall, I will never feel the pain and hit rock bottom" Wow.
One thing that does make me think...I have stood by him for this long, he is getting closer every time...so close yet so far...maybe I should quite beng desperate for the REAL him to come back and start concentrating on my future whether he be in it or not!
I took one step further. Went for a job interview yesterday and Kiala (my lil girl) is having a trial at a private nursery on Monday. I need to get myself back into work before I can go back to being me....am gonna start having more me time. Met up with old friends from school last night and then ended up going for a few drinks and a chat about old times...GREAT....had a fab time...also going out tonight with my family, then for a meal tomorrow and HE aint invited.
Why should I be so worried about him, why should I build up all my strength in helping him through this.....why should I give a sh*t.....I SHOULDNT, I DONT HAVE TO AND I WONT!!
Thanks to you all so so much!
To me you are all angels, pointing me in the right direction and without your strength and advice...who knows where I would be xxxxxx
Wow, did I write that or did you?! It's uncanny how much like me you sounded in that post!!! I'm doing stuff for me too...and it feels good. And you know what? I'm finding he wants to come along for the ride. He wants to come paddle barefoot in the sea. That kinda surprised me...I thought he'd forgotten how to appreciate the silly little things in life which I consider to be really living.
Bunny, it's hard when you love someone like this isn't it? Dunno bout you, but I feel...if I walk away, then what? Still heartache...not gonna stop loving him. But I'm off outta town with my girlfriends this weekend...and he actually remembered that...his memory is s***...but he knew I was goin away this weekend...odd that...
Karen, you are an inspiration to me. One amongst us who seems to have found peace and a way forward.
Hurt Dad...dammit you made me cry too!
Bunny, let's step aside from the entrance to the pit...I'm gonna soar...he can join me when he's fixed his wings.
Much love to you all x x x x
Bunny, it's hard when you love someone like this isn't it? Dunno bout you, but I feel...if I walk away, then what? Still heartache...not gonna stop loving him. But I'm off outta town with my girlfriends this weekend...and he actually remembered that...his memory is s***...but he knew I was goin away this weekend...odd that...
Karen, you are an inspiration to me. One amongst us who seems to have found peace and a way forward.
Hurt Dad...dammit you made me cry too!
Bunny, let's step aside from the entrance to the pit...I'm gonna soar...he can join me when he's fixed his wings.
Much love to you all x x x x
Hurt Dad
That post is so brilliant
i have never read it before -who is Passion?
k
That post is so brilliant
i have never read it before -who is Passion?
k
Believer you said it. I am also out tonight and yip he remembered. I also went for a few drinks last night with my friends and he was calling me to see where I was and who I was with. I go out do my own thing and I find that he wants to tag along. Misses me, gets lonely and bored. He hates it that I can just go out and find something to do. I aint gonna catch him when he falls anymore, I aint gonna pick him up when he trips and I aint gonna support his habbit or make things any easier than what they are. I know I wont take this forever but until then I will get my strength and then if things dont change I will kick him to the curb!!
I normally always know what I got to do but you lot remind me of the right thing to do and let me into the thoughts and feelings from the other side and I apreciate that so much.
Believer I would like to speak to you more so if you like email me on lyndsayg425@talktalk.net or lyndsayg425@hotmail.com if you have msn!!
Thanks again everyone. You are all an inspiration to myself and I look up to you all and have so much respect its uncanny! lol
Lynds xx
I normally always know what I got to do but you lot remind me of the right thing to do and let me into the thoughts and feelings from the other side and I apreciate that so much.
Believer I would like to speak to you more so if you like email me on lyndsayg425@talktalk.net or lyndsayg425@hotmail.com if you have msn!!
Thanks again everyone. You are all an inspiration to myself and I look up to you all and have so much respect its uncanny! lol
Lynds xx
Lynds, you have to get your head round the fact that you are not responsible for him. You still believe that you make a difference. I don't want to sound cruel, but you don't. When I got clean, it was NECESSARILY alone. Whatever he says to you, it's pure lip service. We are all responsible for ourselves. You for you and him for him. You have to toughen up. Get a bit harder. Be practical. There's not one damned thing you can do to help him, and you're in all probability making things worse, not better, by acting like his mother. You're not, and he's not a child, so stop treating him like one. You treat him like a man, and like a man, he has to sink or swim. That's the place where addicts have to get to before they get clean. They have to be in the deep end, and you've got to stop throwing him a rubber ring. Then he'll have to search for the personal resources he needs. Getting clean is HARD. You have to dig so deep to find the strength, and that's something you have to do ALONE. You have to go to this place inside, that you didn't even know existed. There is nothing you can do to help him in this, and the more you hold his hand, then the less likely he is to get there. So don't you dare go round thinking that by leaving him to his own devices you're hurting him. The only thing you can do to help him is to step aside, and let him find his own way, coz that's the only way to do it.
Whatever he does, he's a grown man, and it's his choice. You get me? It's his choice, not yours. You want him to get clean - that's your choice, not his. If he wanted it enough, he'd do it. Believe me, he would. If he wants to use heroin, then that's his choice, and you have to detach your feelings and live with it. If you want to spend your life on pins wondering what he's up to, that's your choice. You can't make him do it by the sheer force of your feelings. Just remember, he can choose to live his life however he likes, you can't change that, but you don't have to stick around to witness it.
love
Diff xxx
Whatever he does, he's a grown man, and it's his choice. You get me? It's his choice, not yours. You want him to get clean - that's your choice, not his. If he wanted it enough, he'd do it. Believe me, he would. If he wants to use heroin, then that's his choice, and you have to detach your feelings and live with it. If you want to spend your life on pins wondering what he's up to, that's your choice. You can't make him do it by the sheer force of your feelings. Just remember, he can choose to live his life however he likes, you can't change that, but you don't have to stick around to witness it.
love
Diff xxx
Dear Lynds,
I'm a little late but just want to add my 2 cents for reinforcement when you get weak (if you do).
I mistakenly thought by allowing our son to live here that I would be protecting him or at least know that while he's here, he's alive. WRONG!!! One night when I was going to bed, I noticed that his bedroom light was still on and he had gone up about an hour before. I knocked on the door...no answer. I tried the door...it was locked. I knocked again...no answer. I tried to dismiss it and think, "Oh he fell asleep and can't hear me." But the idea of the light still being on made me think something was wrong. I got the key and opened the door. He was slumped over his bed with blood running down his arm and he was totally unresponsive. It scared me to DEATH. I kept calling to him louder and louder and shook him. He FINALLY responded! That was my dose of reality. I COULD NOT PROTECT HIM. I COULD NOT SAVE HIM. I COULD NOT STOP HIM. Every day he used, he played roulette with his life and that was his choice. The only thing is could do was pray for him and TRY to stop keeping him comfortable while he used.
Love,
Susan
I'm a little late but just want to add my 2 cents for reinforcement when you get weak (if you do).
I mistakenly thought by allowing our son to live here that I would be protecting him or at least know that while he's here, he's alive. WRONG!!! One night when I was going to bed, I noticed that his bedroom light was still on and he had gone up about an hour before. I knocked on the door...no answer. I tried the door...it was locked. I knocked again...no answer. I tried to dismiss it and think, "Oh he fell asleep and can't hear me." But the idea of the light still being on made me think something was wrong. I got the key and opened the door. He was slumped over his bed with blood running down his arm and he was totally unresponsive. It scared me to DEATH. I kept calling to him louder and louder and shook him. He FINALLY responded! That was my dose of reality. I COULD NOT PROTECT HIM. I COULD NOT SAVE HIM. I COULD NOT STOP HIM. Every day he used, he played roulette with his life and that was his choice. The only thing is could do was pray for him and TRY to stop keeping him comfortable while he used.
Love,
Susan
