Hi all, I have posted here and on the families board, and have received so many wonderful responses, that I am again turning here for some advice.
My daughter, a Heroin addict, is coming here to visit me in a couple of weeks.
she was in detox just about a year ago, and then in treatment with a methadone clinic until going on suboxone a few months ago,
She had been on probation, and had attended all the counseling sessions, drug testing etc that was required.
I don't think that she has really been clean, some of the things her teenage children tell me points to her having used some drugs, maybe not heroin, I can't be sure.
My dilemma is this: I want to have a pleasant visit, I don't intend to bring up any questions about her current use or anything about that.
but I don't want her to feel that I am indifferent to what she has been going through.
I realize that she has become a very skillful liar, and can put on a good "face" when she wants too.
I guess what I need is advice from some of the people who have been where she was, (is) and who have come out of that sad place to tell me what you wanted from your loved ones when you were perhaps teetering on the edge, did you want everyone to just totally believe what ever you told them, ... did you want to be challenged ...............what helped you.
I love her so very much, she is my only child, and I am so sorry that life for her was so awful that she had to turn to drugs to get her through.
So many things I didn't know, so many things I should have known. so much I didn't do.
any advide will be so welcome.
thank you my friends
rita
Hey Rita,
Hope your trip was nice. I missed you.
Rita, I am so, so very sorry you are in pain like this. I hate it. That's very good she is coming to visit though. Very good.
O.K. well first off you ain't psychic. Unless I don't know about it. Unless we tell ya that this happened and that how you supposed to know? So, in no way is it any of your fault your dear daughter went through so much, but you did not know. Now, did it cause her to use the drugs all them things? Pretty sure we all have different beliefs on this. Ya know some people get horrific things happen to them in life and they don't do drugs, Rita. I'm of the mind I did because of something. It's not an excuse, but I shoved it down so long and buried it. So, even if it gives me some sanity to say "Yeah that's why a 35 year old woman became a heroin addict". Then well it works for me.
So, none of this is your fault. Never was.
What I see is a mom so wounded and hurting so bad for her child that she joined a forum. Got educated. Asks questions. Helps us. You've truly been a great mom, and your sharing has helped alot of us immensely.
O.K. teetering. I hear ya. Hate to say this, BUT there is nothing you are going to do or say to make your daughter go either way. I absolutely know what you are asking. My own mom asked me this."What can I say or not say so you don't do this again?" NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What ya can do is just say how much ya love her and how you hurt for her.
Tell her you will do anything for her if she needs help staying clean and ya need to know why and when and all. You're never judgemental so that don't apply.
WHAT NOT TO SAY??????????????? "I know how ya feel" or "Oh it must be awful I can't imagine". No, you can't is what I used to say and I saw that fear each time I walked out the door in my mom's eyes. "WILL THIS BE THE TIME?"
Just me, but I'd say it is up to your daughter to quell them fears for ya on her own accord. Just me but we don't need coddling or pity. Just a simple "I love you and am here". I used to kind of get angry when my mom would say "How bout we do this or how bout you go get your hair done?" Ummm, no that won't make me feel better. Only thing back then was heroin could make me feel better.
If she has been clean and I think you feel she hasn't. We weren't there with the boys when they told ya stuff so we can't say either. So, if she HAS been then she's been through it already. If she ain't there's nothing you can do or say to change any of it.
Rita, I think you know the mask and the happy, pretend face. I trust ya do.
You're a good mom and grandmom. Doubt that helped, but maybe a little.
Hope your trip was nice. I missed you.
Rita, I am so, so very sorry you are in pain like this. I hate it. That's very good she is coming to visit though. Very good.
O.K. well first off you ain't psychic. Unless I don't know about it. Unless we tell ya that this happened and that how you supposed to know? So, in no way is it any of your fault your dear daughter went through so much, but you did not know. Now, did it cause her to use the drugs all them things? Pretty sure we all have different beliefs on this. Ya know some people get horrific things happen to them in life and they don't do drugs, Rita. I'm of the mind I did because of something. It's not an excuse, but I shoved it down so long and buried it. So, even if it gives me some sanity to say "Yeah that's why a 35 year old woman became a heroin addict". Then well it works for me.
So, none of this is your fault. Never was.
What I see is a mom so wounded and hurting so bad for her child that she joined a forum. Got educated. Asks questions. Helps us. You've truly been a great mom, and your sharing has helped alot of us immensely.
O.K. teetering. I hear ya. Hate to say this, BUT there is nothing you are going to do or say to make your daughter go either way. I absolutely know what you are asking. My own mom asked me this."What can I say or not say so you don't do this again?" NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What ya can do is just say how much ya love her and how you hurt for her.
Tell her you will do anything for her if she needs help staying clean and ya need to know why and when and all. You're never judgemental so that don't apply.
WHAT NOT TO SAY??????????????? "I know how ya feel" or "Oh it must be awful I can't imagine". No, you can't is what I used to say and I saw that fear each time I walked out the door in my mom's eyes. "WILL THIS BE THE TIME?"
Just me, but I'd say it is up to your daughter to quell them fears for ya on her own accord. Just me but we don't need coddling or pity. Just a simple "I love you and am here". I used to kind of get angry when my mom would say "How bout we do this or how bout you go get your hair done?" Ummm, no that won't make me feel better. Only thing back then was heroin could make me feel better.
If she has been clean and I think you feel she hasn't. We weren't there with the boys when they told ya stuff so we can't say either. So, if she HAS been then she's been through it already. If she ain't there's nothing you can do or say to change any of it.
Rita, I think you know the mask and the happy, pretend face. I trust ya do.
You're a good mom and grandmom. Doubt that helped, but maybe a little.
Bryn , thank you for answering. I actually had you in mind when I asked for advice, because you have been there and back. also, you were almost my dughters age when you got started, for whatever reason you did.
I know I didn't cause her to take drugs, but I can't begin to imagine what pain she must have been in and probably still is in.
I guess I just will have to wait and see how she reacts, and then I will do what feels right.
She asked about meetings here, and then my mind started down the road of ...I know that there are dealers waiting outside the meeting sites ....is that why she wants to go??" I know sometimes I tend to borrow trouble, but I have begun to realize that for a long time I was with her when she was in active addiction, and didn't even recognize it.
I know in my heart I was a good mother, but I guess it wasn't enough,
I just wish she could have had the confidence in me to ask for my help early on.
Guess I'm just being apprehensive about her visit, I want it to be so good for her, I want her to relax and go to the beach and let me take care of her for even just a few days.
thanks for being here for me, Bryn.
You have a great heart.
rita
I know I didn't cause her to take drugs, but I can't begin to imagine what pain she must have been in and probably still is in.
I guess I just will have to wait and see how she reacts, and then I will do what feels right.
She asked about meetings here, and then my mind started down the road of ...I know that there are dealers waiting outside the meeting sites ....is that why she wants to go??" I know sometimes I tend to borrow trouble, but I have begun to realize that for a long time I was with her when she was in active addiction, and didn't even recognize it.
I know in my heart I was a good mother, but I guess it wasn't enough,
I just wish she could have had the confidence in me to ask for my help early on.
Guess I'm just being apprehensive about her visit, I want it to be so good for her, I want her to relax and go to the beach and let me take care of her for even just a few days.
thanks for being here for me, Bryn.
You have a great heart.
rita
Rita, can I borrow a cup or trouble.......my grandmom says that "Don't go borrowing trouble now, kid"...........I don't think you're worrying means you want to worry, Rita..............heck who wouldn't worry?
Ohhhhh, how many of each and every one of our families were even living with us in the same house didn't know we were using?.........all of us at one point.
Honestly why should you have known...........or my mom.......or our siblings or whoever?.........who expect their middle aged daughter to become a heroin addict?...........I know my family didn't see it coming........even knowing something was off or not right..........ya never expect that.
Awww, I'll always be sharing with you Rita...........you're my Broadway Baby!
In my heart I have a feeling it's going to go well.........honestly as you have this planned.....her visit..........if she's using she'd have to bring it with her......you'd know..........not saying we don't bring our dope along and pretend to function......but you know now.........I just can't see her coming at all if she's using.............cause she knows you know the difference.
Ohhhhh, how many of each and every one of our families were even living with us in the same house didn't know we were using?.........all of us at one point.
Honestly why should you have known...........or my mom.......or our siblings or whoever?.........who expect their middle aged daughter to become a heroin addict?...........I know my family didn't see it coming........even knowing something was off or not right..........ya never expect that.
Awww, I'll always be sharing with you Rita...........you're my Broadway Baby!
In my heart I have a feeling it's going to go well.........honestly as you have this planned.....her visit..........if she's using she'd have to bring it with her......you'd know..........not saying we don't bring our dope along and pretend to function......but you know now.........I just can't see her coming at all if she's using.............cause she knows you know the difference.
Rita...I was with my boyfriend (And living together) for nearly a year and half without knowing he was addicted to Heroin. and on methadone maintanece. I can tell you I felt very very stupid when i found out. Stupid and but also insensitive...how could i have been living and having a relationship with someone who had such a big problem and i was unaware. I may have known something wasn't quite right but never once did i think about a drug problem. But now i think this is normal, maybe not quite as long as i went without realising! But that the addiction is hidden in most cases in the beginning. So you being with your daughter whilst she was in active addiction and not realising i think is normal.
As for how to respond to your daughter whilst she is visiting you, that is something that i always want to know too! but i don't think there is a "way" to respond, its not so clear cut as...if we are bad and angry with them - then they will use or if we are happy and nice to them, they wont use...if only it was that simple!! I would say just try and enjoy the time with her.
As for how to respond to your daughter whilst she is visiting you, that is something that i always want to know too! but i don't think there is a "way" to respond, its not so clear cut as...if we are bad and angry with them - then they will use or if we are happy and nice to them, they wont use...if only it was that simple!! I would say just try and enjoy the time with her.
Thanks Bryn, and Sashab, thank you so much. I have read many of your posts and know you have been through a great deal with your loved one.
What a blessing it is to be able to turn to this board, so good to have the people here who know have experienced so much of the same things.
rita
What a blessing it is to be able to turn to this board, so good to have the people here who know have experienced so much of the same things.
rita
