I've posted on this board a while back about my boyfriend who is addicted to crack. Well he's been clean for 6 months now and we have decided that he can come live with me again. Well before that, we had an agreement that if he was to stay over at my place a few times a week, he'd have to pay me some money towards staying there, since I'm struggling and he's making more money than I am. Well I told him if he's to move in with me, he has to pay for half the rent and bills..he said well why don't I just pay $10 a night and get weekends free. He said he planned to stay at my place 3 nights a week and the weekends as well. Well I figured out that he'd be living at my place 5 nights a week, practically living there for $60 a month! What a deal!! I think if he's living there 5 days a week, he should pay half the rent anyways! His half comes to $300 so basically his way, he'd be paying way less than half! How fair is that? He even makes $3 more an hour than me!
Is he back on crack?? I don't trust him anymore, what does he need all that extra money for while I barely scrape by and give him a place to live for basically free? I'm not sure I should trust him, what do you guys think is this fair? Should I trust him?
If he is staying with you all that time, no it is not fair! He SHOULD gladly pay you for half of the bills and not complain at all. What is the matter with these guys? Do they think we are all just stupid doormats? Don't let him move back in unless he agrees to YOUR conditions. Whether or not he is using, if you are thinking he may be, use your gut instinct. You probably know the signs already, so look for them before he moves in. $10 a day is what a person has to pay around here for staying at the mission! Tell him if that's all he wants to pay, he can stay there (or somewhere you know like that). What a deal! Would he expect a guy friend to give him the same deal if they were sharing an apartment? I doubt it. Don't fall for his manipulation. And keep your eyes wide open before making a decision. Once he gets in, he may not want to leave and then you will be stuck with him.
I totally agree with Cajungirl, he's trying to take advantage of you. Don't let him, he's the one who wants to move in with you so he has to go by YOUR conditions!
Cajun, how are things with you? Is he being good?
Cajun, how are things with you? Is he being good?
julie, he's not ready. neither are you.
Julie, please let us know what is going on. Bob B - glad to see you back! devangrab was wondering where you were and so was I.
Kittycat - he is still doing good. He is going to IOP and AA meetings and going to AA because the NA meetings here are not as good. Besides, a lot of drug users go to AA here now. I decided to try being like Mickey and Mistyeyes and just let go of my resentment and anger and live one day at a time myself. I decided to not waste my time worrying about "what ifs" and just be glad he was sober today. I even tell him that I am glad he is. I went to his IOP meeting with him Thursday nite and they separated the partners of addicts into a room where they were doing the 4th step. There were about 6 of us in there, so it was a good meeting. We talked about the problems we were having with the step. Also, I have to get a book titled "Codependent - the Twelve Steps". I haven't been to the bookstore yet, but will go later and see if they have it. If not, guess I will order it. How are you doing? Is your boyfriend still doing good?
Kittycat - he is still doing good. He is going to IOP and AA meetings and going to AA because the NA meetings here are not as good. Besides, a lot of drug users go to AA here now. I decided to try being like Mickey and Mistyeyes and just let go of my resentment and anger and live one day at a time myself. I decided to not waste my time worrying about "what ifs" and just be glad he was sober today. I even tell him that I am glad he is. I went to his IOP meeting with him Thursday nite and they separated the partners of addicts into a room where they were doing the 4th step. There were about 6 of us in there, so it was a good meeting. We talked about the problems we were having with the step. Also, I have to get a book titled "Codependent - the Twelve Steps". I haven't been to the bookstore yet, but will go later and see if they have it. If not, guess I will order it. How are you doing? Is your boyfriend still doing good?
I can understand you wanting to give your boyfriend another chance and if he did kick in his share of the rent, that would be very appealing. But, There is already doubt and mistrust from the start - seems like you both need a little more time before you make that move. Think long and hard about that.
Cajungirl,
I'm glad things are working out for you. Me on the other hand, well we had an alright weekend. Found out I had a virus on my computer so I had to redo my entire computer, finally got it up and running again.
He got paid today and came over to get some clothes he bought on my VISA and paid me the cash, then he was eager to go home..so I feel a little off, I can't put my finger on why. I just feel depressed, like somethings bothering me and I really wish I can figure out what it is, my intuitions have always been good. He phoned a little while ago and I was listening to his voice, I don't know if it sounds like he's using or not..because if he is he's trying to hide it. Maybe my bad feeling is just that...he got paid and I'm worried he's going to use cause he was in a hurry to leave after he paid me back. I don't know. Anyways I hope I feel better tomorrow. I hate having this bad feeling, I feel like something awful is going to happen.
At least things on your end are better.
I'm glad things are working out for you. Me on the other hand, well we had an alright weekend. Found out I had a virus on my computer so I had to redo my entire computer, finally got it up and running again.
He got paid today and came over to get some clothes he bought on my VISA and paid me the cash, then he was eager to go home..so I feel a little off, I can't put my finger on why. I just feel depressed, like somethings bothering me and I really wish I can figure out what it is, my intuitions have always been good. He phoned a little while ago and I was listening to his voice, I don't know if it sounds like he's using or not..because if he is he's trying to hide it. Maybe my bad feeling is just that...he got paid and I'm worried he's going to use cause he was in a hurry to leave after he paid me back. I don't know. Anyways I hope I feel better tomorrow. I hate having this bad feeling, I feel like something awful is going to happen.
At least things on your end are better.
Thank you all for your advice! Well we are both still at odds in this situation. He's making me feel guilty because before, I didn't charge him anything to stay weekends, just on weeknights (otherwise he'd stay over all the time for free). And now he's saying its not fair I'm taking away the free weekends if he's still going to pay for 3 nights a week.
Well I can sorta see his point because he's right, he never paid for weekends before and just paid what we worked out to $10 a night on weekdays so he doesn't take advantage of staying all the time while I bust my butt off working to pay rent for two people! Anyways he really only stayed once a week at night, he'd come over after work and go home around 8 pm..so it really wasn't an issue. But he's ALWAYS looking for a free ride! I can see how he'd be upset the weekends are no long free, but if he's consitently staying 5 days a week, in my personal opinion, thats practically living there! He pitches in on groceries all the time but I mean he uses my phone, watches tv and uses my power since he's always cooking something!
Am I wrong to take away the free weekends now that its going to be 5 days a week? I mean he makes $3 an hour more than me! He's always whining about why can't anyone ever give him a break? He has restitution to pay and all these other excuses. No one gives me a break! I am barely making it myself!
Should I feel guilty for taking away the weekends?
Well I can sorta see his point because he's right, he never paid for weekends before and just paid what we worked out to $10 a night on weekdays so he doesn't take advantage of staying all the time while I bust my butt off working to pay rent for two people! Anyways he really only stayed once a week at night, he'd come over after work and go home around 8 pm..so it really wasn't an issue. But he's ALWAYS looking for a free ride! I can see how he'd be upset the weekends are no long free, but if he's consitently staying 5 days a week, in my personal opinion, thats practically living there! He pitches in on groceries all the time but I mean he uses my phone, watches tv and uses my power since he's always cooking something!
Am I wrong to take away the free weekends now that its going to be 5 days a week? I mean he makes $3 an hour more than me! He's always whining about why can't anyone ever give him a break? He has restitution to pay and all these other excuses. No one gives me a break! I am barely making it myself!
Should I feel guilty for taking away the weekends?
Absolutely not!!!!
This is YOUR house - not his to make the rules. If you want him to pay rent for what you feel is fair (and you are certainly being more than fair), than that is his responsibility. Where does he stay the other couple of nights?
This is YOUR house - not his to make the rules. If you want him to pay rent for what you feel is fair (and you are certainly being more than fair), than that is his responsibility. Where does he stay the other couple of nights?
Thanks Mickey..the other nights he stays at his parents but no one there gets along, his brother won't let him sleep, his sister has her two small kids there all the time so he hates it there. The thing is..ya he got his weekends free, I would never charge someone to spend the weekend, but 5 days a week every week to me is practically living there. So for him to pay less than half the rent, well why can't he move out and get his own place so I can stay there 5 days a week for really cheap then? Of course his answer was no problem. Ya I'd like to see that happen! You see, I have a small one bedroom apartment. I couldn't fit all his stuff in there when he last lived with me. He was there everyday, and yet he still wanted a deal and not pay full rent you know why? Because I don't have enough closet space or dresser space for all his stuff!! My place is wall to wall full of stuff I have no room for his things! I was doing him a favor by letting him move in with me and I told him that just because all his stuff isn't there, doesn't mean he gets a deal on rent! Am I not right?
You are definitely right and he is definitely trying to use you in this regard. He's only saying he's going to be there 5 nights a week so that he can say he's not living there. If he wants to change his circumstances so bad because he can't stand living at his parents, then he should get his own place. Especially if your place isn't big enough for the two of you.
Don't give in - he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. He's trying to use you so stay strong in your stance because you are right. And it doesn't matter what happened in the past anyway.
Tell him the past is the past and he has to deal with the present and in the present, he has to pay you his share of the rent if he wants to stay there. If he gets his own place and stays at your place half the time, is he going to ask his landlord that he only pay for the nights that he stays there? I don't think so.
Tell him to grow up and pay up!
Have a good one!
Mickey
Don't give in - he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. He's trying to use you so stay strong in your stance because you are right. And it doesn't matter what happened in the past anyway.
Tell him the past is the past and he has to deal with the present and in the present, he has to pay you his share of the rent if he wants to stay there. If he gets his own place and stays at your place half the time, is he going to ask his landlord that he only pay for the nights that he stays there? I don't think so.
Tell him to grow up and pay up!
Have a good one!
Mickey
Seems to me like you have already made a decision and now you are doubting yourself. Just remember to follow your instinct and do what is best for you, as I read other peoples posts and comments, I am realizing that people who abuse Drugs fall into the same cycle of using others for their own self gain. And they also want to put the guilt and blame on anyone other than themselves, they always play the part of victim (which I believe they are) however, are you willing to be treated like dirt to make hime feel better. If you dont h ave the rent money, you get kicked out and NO ONE has a place to stay, therefore it is only fair that he contributes to the responsibility of maintaining a roof over his head. If ou had a daughter and she told you what you are telling us, what would be your advice to her?
Thanks Jai and Mickey! You are both right and Jai you are right too, if I had a daughter I would tell her not to let anyone take advantage of her! And Mickey good point!! I never thought of that, asking the landlord for a rent cut because he doesn't stay there half the time! Nope if he wants to stay five days a week, he has to pay for it. His half comes to $300 and in 30 days, it works out to $10 a night so I think $200 for 5 days a week is fair, plus he has to pay towards power and phone since he uses both!
You're right, because he was an addict for so long he knows how to manipulate and use people so he thinks because he's clean he can continue to do so and make everyone feel bad for him!
You're right, because he was an addict for so long he knows how to manipulate and use people so he thinks because he's clean he can continue to do so and make everyone feel bad for him!
Good for you Julie!!
Just remember to stick to your guns - they are great manipulators when they get talking and want something from you! Don't let him talk you out of it!!
And if he starts staying more than 5 days, don't hesitate to charge him more right away!!!
I have a feeling that he is just using this 5 days a week thing to be able to say he doesn't live there full time so he doesn't have to pay rent or to pay less. I'm sure in no time, you'll be finding him there every night and still only paying $200 because his stuff isn't there, blah, blah, blah!!
Be careful!
Have a great night!
Mickey
Just remember to stick to your guns - they are great manipulators when they get talking and want something from you! Don't let him talk you out of it!!
And if he starts staying more than 5 days, don't hesitate to charge him more right away!!!
I have a feeling that he is just using this 5 days a week thing to be able to say he doesn't live there full time so he doesn't have to pay rent or to pay less. I'm sure in no time, you'll be finding him there every night and still only paying $200 because his stuff isn't there, blah, blah, blah!!
Be careful!
Have a great night!
Mickey
Thanks Mickey, lol, you are so right on the nose its not even funny!! His saying 5 days a week is his way of saying he's not there full time so why pay so much! You're right, I don't care if all his stuff isn't there, HE is so he has to pay whats fair. I'm using your suggestion now as well...I wouldn't ask the landlord to give me a deal on my rent because the apartment is too small for me to bring all my furniture in so I have to store it at my parents! Man these guys are great at trying to manipulate! Also, one big thing is that I don't want him having keys to my place. Thats one rule I have..not until I have seen he's clean because in the past when we'd have one of our massive fights when he'd be drunk, he would leave and not give me back my keys. I am sorry but I don't trust him in that state, if he does crack and desperately needs to get more, and we have had a fight, I don't trust that he won't let himself in to steal all my things to pawn for crack! I mean I remember when his last roommate and him had a falling out, he had keys and he planned on going back to steal everything! I talked him out of it, saying I'd let that be known..but if he would do it to his ex roommate, why not me?
I don't want to sit at home on the weekend scared that I can't go out because if I do, he'll get mad and suspicous and do something stupid! I told him he has to earn that trust, am I overreacting or am I right to be cautious?
I don't want to sit at home on the weekend scared that I can't go out because if I do, he'll get mad and suspicous and do something stupid! I told him he has to earn that trust, am I overreacting or am I right to be cautious?
Trust your instincts Julie. They will not steer you wrong.
You are absolutely right in what you are thinking. If that's how you feel and you feel better going about it that way, then by all means, do that. Especially with his history and his addiction. He is still quite new in recovery and needs to earn your trust back. That is not an overnight thing.
You have to do what feels right for you whether or not anybody on here agrees (which I do anyway!). It is your life and it is your apartment and your stuff in that apartment since he's got none there so it is your choice and you have to make the choice that you can live with and feel good about.
And he will have to respect and live with that choice.
Take care,
Mickey
You are absolutely right in what you are thinking. If that's how you feel and you feel better going about it that way, then by all means, do that. Especially with his history and his addiction. He is still quite new in recovery and needs to earn your trust back. That is not an overnight thing.
You have to do what feels right for you whether or not anybody on here agrees (which I do anyway!). It is your life and it is your apartment and your stuff in that apartment since he's got none there so it is your choice and you have to make the choice that you can live with and feel good about.
And he will have to respect and live with that choice.
Take care,
Mickey
Thanks again Mickey! This IS how I feel and I will stick to it. I won't let him make me feel guilty or let him talk me into anything i'm not comfortable doing, after all just like you said, none of his stuff is there its all my stuff. I didn't work hard to buy all these things so it can be gone in a minute! My friends just ask me why I even stress out about this that even moving in with him is a hassle, but they don't understand. I want to give him a chance and he should be happy with the conditions I give him and not try to get his way. See he's always gotten his way..if he owes his mom money, he won't pay her back and she always eventually just says "don't worry about it". Thats for anything she's paid his drug debts, let him live home for free, bought him clothes, etc but she just always lets it slide. He thinks I'll be the same way. In the beginning of our relationship, he would ask me to buy him stuff and he'll pay me back. After his promises of I'll pay you back next time I promise, and not getting a cent, I quit doing that for him. He's so good at that! He convinces people to get him stuff and promises to pay them back. And it works! And everyone gets screwed. I know better though.
