As many know by now I am separated from my child. I accept my part in this situation yet to say it doesn't hurt like hell would be a lie.
I know I need to release my emotions before they eat me alive but after so many years of conditioning myself to stuff emotions how does one let go?
As I think of my son and the things I am missing I feel the tears well up inside yet my automatic reaction is to stifle them, purse my lips and almost physically force them back down.
How do I simply surrender to what lies inside and allow it to be purged from my body.
I am grateful that I am at a place in my life where I can work on me and work towards being the father my son deserves but I feel like this apparent inability, or perhaps fear, is holding me back from the next step in recovery...so how do I let go.
Please help.
God bless.
Hey Wolf,
When you feel it well up, just let it go. I read somewhere that tears actually have a chemical in them produced by the body with stress. By crying, the chemical is expelled from the body stress is relieved. It's why we feel calmer after a good cry.
Grieving seems to be the biggest emotion we shove down as addicts. Just like sobriety, work towards reuniting with your son. And just like sobriety, it's one step after another. Another path to being whole again. Stay the course Wolf and it'll happen. Not soon enough I'm sure, but it will.
Beck
When you feel it well up, just let it go. I read somewhere that tears actually have a chemical in them produced by the body with stress. By crying, the chemical is expelled from the body stress is relieved. It's why we feel calmer after a good cry.
Grieving seems to be the biggest emotion we shove down as addicts. Just like sobriety, work towards reuniting with your son. And just like sobriety, it's one step after another. Another path to being whole again. Stay the course Wolf and it'll happen. Not soon enough I'm sure, but it will.
Beck
Hey Wolf,
I quote.
Dr. Lutz says. "Through most of history, tearlessness has not been the standard of manliness."
Crying can also be an escape; it allows us to turn away from the cause of our anguish, and inward toward our own bodily sensations. Scientists feel that weeping is probably necessary because no human behavior has ever continuously evolved unless it somehow contributed to survival.
"Science has proven that stress is terrible for the health of your brain, heart and other organs," says William Frey II, Ph.D., biochemist and tear expert of the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota. "It isn't proven yet, but weeping has most likely served humans throughout our evolutionary history by reducing stress."
Perhaps Wolf, this will help you let it out, think of it as part of your health regime. If it is your inability to cry around people for fear of what they may think, who cares. Tell them you are 'getting stress release'..
Cry in the privacy of your own home, no one can see you but GOD, and I know you believe in him, he himself cried. Nothing touches me more than to see a man cry from the heart. We were raised in the generation where 'Real Men do not cry'. Such crap.
The reason I would hold it in, was simple, if something made me that upset that brought me to tears, I would cry uncontrollably, it almost hurt to cry, if this makes sense. But boy, once I let go, there was no turning back. I now cry at old Lassie reruns, Hallmark Commercials, just cry, cry, cry. Oh and god forbid ' Steel Magnolias' is showing again. It feels good actually. Another benefit; it rids your tear ducts of all foreign matter.
I now purchase waterproof mascara. Or have one of your buddies punch you in the face to see if that will work.. SMILE..
I quote.
Dr. Lutz says. "Through most of history, tearlessness has not been the standard of manliness."
Crying can also be an escape; it allows us to turn away from the cause of our anguish, and inward toward our own bodily sensations. Scientists feel that weeping is probably necessary because no human behavior has ever continuously evolved unless it somehow contributed to survival.
"Science has proven that stress is terrible for the health of your brain, heart and other organs," says William Frey II, Ph.D., biochemist and tear expert of the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota. "It isn't proven yet, but weeping has most likely served humans throughout our evolutionary history by reducing stress."
Perhaps Wolf, this will help you let it out, think of it as part of your health regime. If it is your inability to cry around people for fear of what they may think, who cares. Tell them you are 'getting stress release'..
Cry in the privacy of your own home, no one can see you but GOD, and I know you believe in him, he himself cried. Nothing touches me more than to see a man cry from the heart. We were raised in the generation where 'Real Men do not cry'. Such crap.
The reason I would hold it in, was simple, if something made me that upset that brought me to tears, I would cry uncontrollably, it almost hurt to cry, if this makes sense. But boy, once I let go, there was no turning back. I now cry at old Lassie reruns, Hallmark Commercials, just cry, cry, cry. Oh and god forbid ' Steel Magnolias' is showing again. It feels good actually. Another benefit; it rids your tear ducts of all foreign matter.
I now purchase waterproof mascara. Or have one of your buddies punch you in the face to see if that will work.. SMILE..
what a great question.......has definately made me think this early AM. I go to at least six meetings a week, and i have swallowed more tears sitting in those meetings than i would like to admit. It is very hard to let go of that inner voice that tells us that crying is a form of weakness,
I have heard around the tables, that when we can cry for another alcoholic/addict, we are on our way to a healthy recovery. If you are going to meetingss, try talking about the issues with your child. The experience of others might just be enough, to start you on your way. If you are not a meeting goer, try and find others who are similarly situated. I am a frim believer of the saying..........When you don't know what to do.......help another addict/alcoholic.
peace
shari
I have heard around the tables, that when we can cry for another alcoholic/addict, we are on our way to a healthy recovery. If you are going to meetingss, try talking about the issues with your child. The experience of others might just be enough, to start you on your way. If you are not a meeting goer, try and find others who are similarly situated. I am a frim believer of the saying..........When you don't know what to do.......help another addict/alcoholic.
peace
shari
Hey Wolf,
I've been through this same thing several years ago. There really isn't a such thing as letting it go. I've tried that and it doesn't work. I felt just like you, kept thinking about all I was missing. It's normal. I shut down during that time, so it was difficult for me to cry too. I still have a difficult time with that. I still shut down when things get the better of me. I have time with my children now but still think about everything I have missed. I try and just make the best of it now and just enjoy the time I have with them. You will get your child back too. If not custody, visitation just as I did. Hang in there. I know it's tough.
Love,
Liz
I've been through this same thing several years ago. There really isn't a such thing as letting it go. I've tried that and it doesn't work. I felt just like you, kept thinking about all I was missing. It's normal. I shut down during that time, so it was difficult for me to cry too. I still have a difficult time with that. I still shut down when things get the better of me. I have time with my children now but still think about everything I have missed. I try and just make the best of it now and just enjoy the time I have with them. You will get your child back too. If not custody, visitation just as I did. Hang in there. I know it's tough.
Love,
Liz
Gotta say this much.For me if a man can cry(real; tears)that to me makes him more a man in my eyes..And to cry over thier child well that to me can be beautiful too see.So please cry all you need (we cry for a physical reason too)Anyways know you do have some friends here who will be strong for you until you can be strong...mj
Hi Wolf,
I think you answered your own question. You have to surrender. Surrender fully to your feelings. Have you thought about counseling? Maybe you need a safe person there with you.
I use to not be able to cry as well. I had alot of sadness pent up inside me. I'd rather drink it away. Eventually, I realized that was helping me. I had this friend. She was a doctor, pretty intelligent and helped me through alot of my grief. She always told me you have to go through the eye of the needle. You have to allow yourself to feel and feel deeply. You must go into it as strongly as you can. I tried it and eventually it worked. I also worked with a network chiropractor in Indiana who was a master at working with emotion. He helped me cathart every pent up emotion and hurt I ever held in. Seemed easier to run it through my body when I did not know the content. It was just raw emotion and energy running through me.
So with all that in mind I would say to take time to be alone with yourself. Get quiet. Sit in your boy's room, feel his presence, feel the loss of his presence, feel your love for him, and allow all these feelings to overwhelm you. Think of the saddest part, what if you lost him or never saw him again? Think about this. Go into your sadness with all you have. When you begin to feel those tears well up and your reaction to swallow them down begin to make a tone from your mouth. Try to pull it from deep in your belly. Do not swallow or bite your lip. Relax your jaw and tone whatever comes out. Tone your pain if you have to. Let it out instead of let it in and if you find yourself moving into crying just continue to let it out instead of pushing it back in. You may have all kinds of emotions entangled in there. Be free. Be gentle on yourself. Be with what is. Emotion is just energy in motion. But when we stiffle it we begin to shut our whole bodies down.
It's not easy grief and loss. Sometimes it helps to have a friend help us through. I wish you the best. You are changing your life and better days will be ahead just hang in there.
peace,
pm
I think you answered your own question. You have to surrender. Surrender fully to your feelings. Have you thought about counseling? Maybe you need a safe person there with you.
I use to not be able to cry as well. I had alot of sadness pent up inside me. I'd rather drink it away. Eventually, I realized that was helping me. I had this friend. She was a doctor, pretty intelligent and helped me through alot of my grief. She always told me you have to go through the eye of the needle. You have to allow yourself to feel and feel deeply. You must go into it as strongly as you can. I tried it and eventually it worked. I also worked with a network chiropractor in Indiana who was a master at working with emotion. He helped me cathart every pent up emotion and hurt I ever held in. Seemed easier to run it through my body when I did not know the content. It was just raw emotion and energy running through me.
So with all that in mind I would say to take time to be alone with yourself. Get quiet. Sit in your boy's room, feel his presence, feel the loss of his presence, feel your love for him, and allow all these feelings to overwhelm you. Think of the saddest part, what if you lost him or never saw him again? Think about this. Go into your sadness with all you have. When you begin to feel those tears well up and your reaction to swallow them down begin to make a tone from your mouth. Try to pull it from deep in your belly. Do not swallow or bite your lip. Relax your jaw and tone whatever comes out. Tone your pain if you have to. Let it out instead of let it in and if you find yourself moving into crying just continue to let it out instead of pushing it back in. You may have all kinds of emotions entangled in there. Be free. Be gentle on yourself. Be with what is. Emotion is just energy in motion. But when we stiffle it we begin to shut our whole bodies down.
It's not easy grief and loss. Sometimes it helps to have a friend help us through. I wish you the best. You are changing your life and better days will be ahead just hang in there.
peace,
pm
I have no idea what you're going through, only you know that pain. But I am sorry for you. I know what it would do to me. My boys are my life. Probably too much so. If that's possible.
Telling someone to let go of a situation that they know nothing about is iresponsible, so I won't do that. I've read Liz's story for over a year now and have watched her pain with her kids eat her alive. You can't let something like that go.
Emotions are tough but I can say that the longer you're clean, the easier it gets to want to feel them. I was so pissed off when I first got clean that I couldn't cry. I could only stomp around and throw things. When I finally cried, it was the sweetest release I've ever felt.
Let yourself feel Wolfe. It's ok to be this way.
Take care
Telling someone to let go of a situation that they know nothing about is iresponsible, so I won't do that. I've read Liz's story for over a year now and have watched her pain with her kids eat her alive. You can't let something like that go.
Emotions are tough but I can say that the longer you're clean, the easier it gets to want to feel them. I was so pissed off when I first got clean that I couldn't cry. I could only stomp around and throw things. When I finally cried, it was the sweetest release I've ever felt.
Let yourself feel Wolfe. It's ok to be this way.
Take care
OK I think I misunderstood what Wolf was saying, I thought he was referring to 'let go' in terms of tears, not his son or situation. I am sorry if I read that wrong.
I would never comment on someones letting go of their child or anything else for that matter.
My post was for crying only and how to let that go or out if you will, based on his Topic.
I would never comment on someones letting go of their child or anything else for that matter.
My post was for crying only and how to let that go or out if you will, based on his Topic.
Same here Brooke. I meant don't hold back the tears, let them go. I would never tell someone to just let go of their child. Beck
No, no girls..I didn't mean what you were saying about letting go. I was talking about Liz's situation. And people telling her to let go.
Sorry for the confusion.
I'll try to be more clean in the future. Don't want to start ww3 again.
:o)
Sorry for the confusion.
I'll try to be more clean in the future. Don't want to start ww3 again.
:o)
Dear Wolf... i am truly sorry for the pain you are feeling and i know how much more it hurts when the tears are there and you just can't get them out. It's not good to keep it held inside. Like someone said before, when we cry we release something in our bodies and we seem to feel a bit of relief after a good cry. I just wanted to share with you what i do when i really need a good cry but i just cant get it out. I watch a really sad movie... usually Homeward Bound, Old Yeller, you know... something that is heart warming and sad at the same time. Or sometimes i listen to music that reminds me of my life... i know it sounds really corny... but that's what i do. I heard this from a counselor a long time ago and it always seems to help me. I hope this helps a little... God Bless, Bri :)
LOL Cowgirl you know me better than that, I would hope.. no wars in this girls body.. (well deep down, smile)
I just wanted to make sure I was typing the right thing.
Thanks for clarifying..
XOXOOX
I just wanted to make sure I was typing the right thing.
Thanks for clarifying..
XOXOOX
Don't give me that crap Brook..I know exactly what you've got deep down... lol
Have a greart day.
Love you too
Have a greart day.
Love you too
I am truly touched by the response I have recieved. Thank you all very much.
God bless.
God bless.
Hey Wolfie,
Tears are therapeutic, healthy response to emotional pain.Councelling may be a great option for you. Were you berated for crying as a small boy? There was a
study done showing that on average, mothers let their boy babies cry longer before picking them up then girl babies.When they fall,boys have been taught to "Shake it off..."Big boys dont cry", yet little girls who fall and hurt themselves are not told that...they are soothed and and comforted through their tears.
Well Im here to tell you that big boys DO CRY especially the really great ones. I dont know a more manly man than my husband, but you get him up there doing a speech about overcoming terible odds, children hospital stories, etc...and his voice will break just a bit, tears will fall from his eyes. He wont even wipe them away.Justs lets them fall, finishes his speech, and those speeches usually get the standing ovations...People respect genuine human emotions.I have said before and I will say it again: I will always trust a man who is capable of real tears over one that refuses to or can not cry.
Have you had any massages? Human touch can evoke emotion...my masseuse says it is very comon to have a patient start to cry, just from the release of human touch....
Some feel scared of crying, as if once they start they will never stop, fear of "Loosing control".... Doesnt happen. The tears do stop. Cry your heart out, let it out, have a really really good cry. I guarantee you that you WILL FEEL BETTER...thats what emotional tears are made to do.....and you WILL STOP.
Im sure it can be scary to dive into unchartered waters Wolf, but you will come up from the water, renewed and revived, youll come up for air with a calmer sense of your situation....
Give it a try....
Big bear hug,
Ali
Tears are therapeutic, healthy response to emotional pain.Councelling may be a great option for you. Were you berated for crying as a small boy? There was a
study done showing that on average, mothers let their boy babies cry longer before picking them up then girl babies.When they fall,boys have been taught to "Shake it off..."Big boys dont cry", yet little girls who fall and hurt themselves are not told that...they are soothed and and comforted through their tears.
Well Im here to tell you that big boys DO CRY especially the really great ones. I dont know a more manly man than my husband, but you get him up there doing a speech about overcoming terible odds, children hospital stories, etc...and his voice will break just a bit, tears will fall from his eyes. He wont even wipe them away.Justs lets them fall, finishes his speech, and those speeches usually get the standing ovations...People respect genuine human emotions.I have said before and I will say it again: I will always trust a man who is capable of real tears over one that refuses to or can not cry.
Have you had any massages? Human touch can evoke emotion...my masseuse says it is very comon to have a patient start to cry, just from the release of human touch....
Some feel scared of crying, as if once they start they will never stop, fear of "Loosing control".... Doesnt happen. The tears do stop. Cry your heart out, let it out, have a really really good cry. I guarantee you that you WILL FEEL BETTER...thats what emotional tears are made to do.....and you WILL STOP.
Im sure it can be scary to dive into unchartered waters Wolf, but you will come up from the water, renewed and revived, youll come up for air with a calmer sense of your situation....
Give it a try....
Big bear hug,
Ali
