Hopefully someone out there can give advice on what to do in this situation. My son is 17 years old, and smokes pot regularly. Today, his dad found a "stash" in his car, and we had a huge confrontation which ended up in my son storming out of the house by foot. His dad blocked his car in the driveway so he couldn't drive. My son has voiced his opinion that "pot isn't bad", and he has no intention of quitting, which was reason enough to take his car away for good. With my reasoning being, he isn't going to drive a car in my name, under my insurance, while under the influence of any drug. We have known about his usage for almost a year. He has been caught high in school, and issued a citation on the street for possession. Things had been good since the start of the summer, and he lied, saying he had stopped smoking. He went to anti-drug classes, and counseling. Then suddenly, this happens. He is basically a very arrogant, spoiled child, and when he doesn't get what he wants he gets very angry. Today, when he returned home, his 20 year old (much larger) brother and him had words, which he turned physical. THAT has never happened since he was at least 11 and his brother 14, so that is of a concern, too. I called the local police, and if I don't want to press charges, there isn't much they will do. I feel he has underlying psychiatric problems. Mainly, he keeps saying he hates his father, but the reason for that is his dad is hard on him, and doesn't give in, and I do. He refused to seek medical trmt (via the ER) tonight, and short of calling an ambulance, I don't know how I would get hime there. I need some help and advice....any ideas? Would AA help with a problem with pot. He swears it's not addicting, and I have absoulotely no experience with it, but it certainly has changed his personality and production in society (mainly school). Also, I have read about many of the struggles others have had....HELP!
your son sounds like a carbon copy of me when I was that age. By age 17, I had been smoking daily for more than a year and was deeply addicted to the stuff. Make no mistake about it, for certain personality types, there is no question that pot becomes a huge emotional crutch and is very addictive.
The difficulty that any parent faces is that no addict can be helped until he admits that he has a problem and chooses to do something about his acknowleged problem. Due to relaxed social standards around pot, the denial can last for years. I did not realize that I had a problem until I was 34. I got sober through AA.
When I was 17, my relationship with my father was similar to what you described in your family. Ultimately, I chose to leave home around that age and get a job and support myself. I managed to finish my education despite my addiction and that has been helpful in my not leading a totally wasted life since then.
I wish I had better answers to offer you regarding the correct steps to take with your son. I would suggest that you attend Al Anon and learn a little bit about avoiding enabling him. Despite having my own issues with an authoritarian father, I must say that I would take the same approach as your husband is taking. Ultimately, he will have to make the choices in his life as to whether he wishes to be dependent on pot and/or other substances or whether he wishes to take good advantage of his youth. The longer you sheild him from the consequences of his actions, the deeper will be his denial.
As we say in AA, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him think.
Good luck.
August
The difficulty that any parent faces is that no addict can be helped until he admits that he has a problem and chooses to do something about his acknowleged problem. Due to relaxed social standards around pot, the denial can last for years. I did not realize that I had a problem until I was 34. I got sober through AA.
When I was 17, my relationship with my father was similar to what you described in your family. Ultimately, I chose to leave home around that age and get a job and support myself. I managed to finish my education despite my addiction and that has been helpful in my not leading a totally wasted life since then.
I wish I had better answers to offer you regarding the correct steps to take with your son. I would suggest that you attend Al Anon and learn a little bit about avoiding enabling him. Despite having my own issues with an authoritarian father, I must say that I would take the same approach as your husband is taking. Ultimately, he will have to make the choices in his life as to whether he wishes to be dependent on pot and/or other substances or whether he wishes to take good advantage of his youth. The longer you sheild him from the consequences of his actions, the deeper will be his denial.
As we say in AA, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him think.
Good luck.
August
Hey there,
Sorry to hear of the situation. I too was very much like that when I was about 18 or 19. I'm 26 now, and am just now getting clean. I haven't smoked in over 7 weeks.
Unfortunatley, he's rebelling, and it's hard to deal with a rebellious teen. I know that when my parents tried to confront me on behaviors they didn't like (such as drinking), it just made me angry.
I do have a couple of suggestions - First of all, you and your husband MUST be a unified front against this. If your son knows that he can get you to cave in, he will play you like a piano, and use that to rationalize ill feelings towards his father. He must know the rules, and you and your husband must be IDENTICAL in your follow through. I'm not saying that you should become the same person, but I am saying you should both have one single, solitary policy - on all issues relating to this. Be it curfew, alcohol, pot, friends, car... etc. He can not drive a wedge between you or he will.
Also, I don't know the situation with his older brother, so I can't really comment much - however, I'm not ready to say that it's all bad. It would be nice if everything was like the Brady Bunch, and we'd all get together and sing a song at the end of our 20 minute troubles. But the world isn't like that. Perhaps if he knows his brother is going to come down on him if he messes with his mother, that will enter his mind next time he feels the need for a temper tantrum.
Don't throw him out - not at this point. Don't reel him in too much either, as that might make him rebel more. Set you rules. Be steadfast. Be united. That is your best hope. Also, please realise that MANY kids go through similar issues and DO NOT turn out to be addicts. I applaud you for taking the preventitive steps to make sure your son does not become a statistic, but also know that what is happening is not altogether abnormal.
I hope I've given you a little insight with all this rambling, and let us know how it goes.
J
Sorry to hear of the situation. I too was very much like that when I was about 18 or 19. I'm 26 now, and am just now getting clean. I haven't smoked in over 7 weeks.
Unfortunatley, he's rebelling, and it's hard to deal with a rebellious teen. I know that when my parents tried to confront me on behaviors they didn't like (such as drinking), it just made me angry.
I do have a couple of suggestions - First of all, you and your husband MUST be a unified front against this. If your son knows that he can get you to cave in, he will play you like a piano, and use that to rationalize ill feelings towards his father. He must know the rules, and you and your husband must be IDENTICAL in your follow through. I'm not saying that you should become the same person, but I am saying you should both have one single, solitary policy - on all issues relating to this. Be it curfew, alcohol, pot, friends, car... etc. He can not drive a wedge between you or he will.
Also, I don't know the situation with his older brother, so I can't really comment much - however, I'm not ready to say that it's all bad. It would be nice if everything was like the Brady Bunch, and we'd all get together and sing a song at the end of our 20 minute troubles. But the world isn't like that. Perhaps if he knows his brother is going to come down on him if he messes with his mother, that will enter his mind next time he feels the need for a temper tantrum.
Don't throw him out - not at this point. Don't reel him in too much either, as that might make him rebel more. Set you rules. Be steadfast. Be united. That is your best hope. Also, please realise that MANY kids go through similar issues and DO NOT turn out to be addicts. I applaud you for taking the preventitive steps to make sure your son does not become a statistic, but also know that what is happening is not altogether abnormal.
I hope I've given you a little insight with all this rambling, and let us know how it goes.
J
Thank you post for the information. It was helpful and did make me feel better. At least I know I am on the right path. Today, my son isn't going to school. The reason being, if he can't drive, he won't go. The tags are off the car and locked in our safe. So, hard as it is for me, I said that's fine. He can stay home from school, he can quit, too if he wants because he's of age, but he isn't driving the car. I will go out of my way and take him every day, and his brother, who works night work, will pick him up. That isn't good enough for him because he picks other kids up and drives them. We'll see where this goes, but I am holding my ground. I can't say that it's easy, though.
I am not ready to let go of him, so I won't kick him out. He trys to play that route, though. He leaves when he's angry, and won't answer his phone. He does that to play me (like you said, a piano) and get to my emotional side.
Anyway, each day is a new day. Today, I am calling a psychiatrist for an appointment. He has been seeing a psychologist and he might need something more.
Thanks again for the advice....i will keep you posted.
Cindy
I am not ready to let go of him, so I won't kick him out. He trys to play that route, though. He leaves when he's angry, and won't answer his phone. He does that to play me (like you said, a piano) and get to my emotional side.
Anyway, each day is a new day. Today, I am calling a psychiatrist for an appointment. He has been seeing a psychologist and he might need something more.
Thanks again for the advice....i will keep you posted.
Cindy
Dutchie, quick question - what is the significance of the name "Dutchie". Up here, Dutchie is another name for a joint... do you smoke as well?
Now, that's real ironic, but no, I don't smoke. In fact, never even tried it. Dutch is my dog's name, and I call him dutchie. Nothing more than that! LOL
Hi Dutchie,
Ive never been in this type of forum before, but I was searching for answers re my own sons pot addiction, he is 19 now. And I can see he was much the same as yours when he was 17. I think you are so strong I applaud you. I havent been able to take the car as he is now above age and has a job(when he goes!)
He has behaved in much the same way as your son, so upsetting,I can see all the problems unfolding as you told the story.Although I knew my son smoked pot I didnt realise it would get this bad. Now Im concerned he will be psychotic as well. He cant control his anger, I will have to call the police soon Im sure.
I just wanted to thank the other people who responded to your story, their outcomes have really given me some hope that there is a chance of a positive future.
Ive never been in this type of forum before, but I was searching for answers re my own sons pot addiction, he is 19 now. And I can see he was much the same as yours when he was 17. I think you are so strong I applaud you. I havent been able to take the car as he is now above age and has a job(when he goes!)
He has behaved in much the same way as your son, so upsetting,I can see all the problems unfolding as you told the story.Although I knew my son smoked pot I didnt realise it would get this bad. Now Im concerned he will be psychotic as well. He cant control his anger, I will have to call the police soon Im sure.
I just wanted to thank the other people who responded to your story, their outcomes have really given me some hope that there is a chance of a positive future.
I read through this thread and I can SO relate. Sad thing is, I have two kids daughter 19 and son 18 and both are users. My daughter is a recoverying addict so she's not presently using. My son is not using right now, but only because we give him drug tests weekly in order for him to live in our home. He left our home in September and lived with a friend (who uses) for 2 months. He was so cocky thinking he could "live on his own just fine". So we told him to pack his things and leave if he didn't want to go by our rules. He did...and less than two months later he's back, taking drug tests willingly and going by our curfews. We welcome him home as long as he is willing to go by our rules. We told him it's his choice. If he CHOOSES to break our rules, then he CHOOSES to live elsewhere. So far, he's choosing to go by the rules. Our rules are simple with ZERO tolerance:
1. Absolutely NO drugs, alcohol or tobacco use in our home, on our property or in our cars by anyone (friends too).
2. We randomly drug test once per week with no notice.
3. Household curfew is 10pm school/work nights and 12 midnight on weekends.
4. Must pass classes for school. We no longer require certain grades. We gave up expecting C's and higher a long time ago.
5. We give no money. If he wants money, he must get a job. We buy groceries and provide laundry service (I prefer to do the laundry because I am picky about my washer/dryer.)
6. He must pick up after and take care of himself (showers, shave, etc)
7. No lying or hiding anything!
Our recoverying addict daughter is driving herself hom from Texas (to Indiana) today. We will have two teen drug users in our home starting tomorrow. She is more difficult. She has a dark past including a rape, military discharge, stripping, drug use (all kinds except needles), sexual misconduct, etc. She will have more even restrictive rules because she needs help to get back on track making good decisions. She has been out of our home since February. She is 19. We will be working with her to learn life skills and better decision-making.
As for how to help them....if you can get them to NA/AA meetings (Narcotics Anonymous) it would be great. NA is for drug users (pot included). Pot, although not PHYSICALLY addicting is EMOTIONALLY addicting. You learn to use it for behavior modification rather than to get a physical high. My son told me the other day he "needs" it to relax and reduce his stress. I told him that life is stressful, deal with it another way or choose to live somewhere else. He's EIGHTEEN! How much stress can he have???? No job, barely getting through school, no activities....what stress? I laugh at that....
Thanks for listening. -Kathy
1. Absolutely NO drugs, alcohol or tobacco use in our home, on our property or in our cars by anyone (friends too).
2. We randomly drug test once per week with no notice.
3. Household curfew is 10pm school/work nights and 12 midnight on weekends.
4. Must pass classes for school. We no longer require certain grades. We gave up expecting C's and higher a long time ago.
5. We give no money. If he wants money, he must get a job. We buy groceries and provide laundry service (I prefer to do the laundry because I am picky about my washer/dryer.)
6. He must pick up after and take care of himself (showers, shave, etc)
7. No lying or hiding anything!
Our recoverying addict daughter is driving herself hom from Texas (to Indiana) today. We will have two teen drug users in our home starting tomorrow. She is more difficult. She has a dark past including a rape, military discharge, stripping, drug use (all kinds except needles), sexual misconduct, etc. She will have more even restrictive rules because she needs help to get back on track making good decisions. She has been out of our home since February. She is 19. We will be working with her to learn life skills and better decision-making.
As for how to help them....if you can get them to NA/AA meetings (Narcotics Anonymous) it would be great. NA is for drug users (pot included). Pot, although not PHYSICALLY addicting is EMOTIONALLY addicting. You learn to use it for behavior modification rather than to get a physical high. My son told me the other day he "needs" it to relax and reduce his stress. I told him that life is stressful, deal with it another way or choose to live somewhere else. He's EIGHTEEN! How much stress can he have???? No job, barely getting through school, no activities....what stress? I laugh at that....
Thanks for listening. -Kathy
Hi Cindy,
I can tell you that taking his car was the absolute best thing you could've done! That car is most likely his whole world right now. It means everything to him. It's funny because I too took my son's car from him because he was using crystal. It got real bad so I went searching for him, found him, took out my extra key to his car and before driving off, I had some words for him. It hurt me so damn much to take his car but in my heart I knew that if I didn't do that he would end up hurting himself or someone else. Actually, in addition to all of that my heart was broke seeing him on those drugs. I could not stand to see him like that and it was absolutely the last straw. Well anyway, I did not hear from him for a few days after taking his car. He also did not go to school because he could not drive. I too said "fine". It's your choice right now. Eventually he did go to school on and off. Then as the weeks went by, him still complaining and crying for his stupid car, I noticed a change in him. I could tell he was leaving that stuff alone. One night when I found out he was with a kid who he began using with I was on the edge of my seat all night. I had to wait till he came to my house the next day for school to see if he was using or not. Well I can't tell you how darn happy I was to see him. He was not high on crystal. In fact he seemed to be like the son he was before using. Well I waited some time to make sure he would stay off of the stuff and he did and is still not using it today. Even though he has been around that same kid I make sure to make a point of finding him to see how he is. I am very glad I made the decision to take his car. It worked. And if I ever find out he is on that stuff again, I will take his car and burn it. Well maybe sell it. Keep going. Tough love does work. I mean I will never kick my kid out however there are many things you have to do that work. No money, strict curfew, chores etc..........like one of the other messages said, you and your hubby need to stick together and be strong.
Keep on going Cindy. Adolosence is a rough age for parents and kids. You just have to know where to draw the line. Don't let that stuff take your baby.
Good luck and keep fighting for him.
Cathy
I can tell you that taking his car was the absolute best thing you could've done! That car is most likely his whole world right now. It means everything to him. It's funny because I too took my son's car from him because he was using crystal. It got real bad so I went searching for him, found him, took out my extra key to his car and before driving off, I had some words for him. It hurt me so damn much to take his car but in my heart I knew that if I didn't do that he would end up hurting himself or someone else. Actually, in addition to all of that my heart was broke seeing him on those drugs. I could not stand to see him like that and it was absolutely the last straw. Well anyway, I did not hear from him for a few days after taking his car. He also did not go to school because he could not drive. I too said "fine". It's your choice right now. Eventually he did go to school on and off. Then as the weeks went by, him still complaining and crying for his stupid car, I noticed a change in him. I could tell he was leaving that stuff alone. One night when I found out he was with a kid who he began using with I was on the edge of my seat all night. I had to wait till he came to my house the next day for school to see if he was using or not. Well I can't tell you how darn happy I was to see him. He was not high on crystal. In fact he seemed to be like the son he was before using. Well I waited some time to make sure he would stay off of the stuff and he did and is still not using it today. Even though he has been around that same kid I make sure to make a point of finding him to see how he is. I am very glad I made the decision to take his car. It worked. And if I ever find out he is on that stuff again, I will take his car and burn it. Well maybe sell it. Keep going. Tough love does work. I mean I will never kick my kid out however there are many things you have to do that work. No money, strict curfew, chores etc..........like one of the other messages said, you and your hubby need to stick together and be strong.
Keep on going Cindy. Adolosence is a rough age for parents and kids. You just have to know where to draw the line. Don't let that stuff take your baby.
Good luck and keep fighting for him.
Cathy
Kathy, you sound like very loving parents. I can totally relate. I have a daughter 19 and a son 18. But I think your rules are great, and I would do EXACTLY the same thing if they were using, which they are not, thank God.
Wow Kathy,
You are one tough cookie. I give you much respect. What you are doing is what all of us should be doing. My oldest boys smoke pot but one of them got caught up in crystal. He does not do that any more however you are so right about pot being an emotional drug. From reading your posting I see that I am too light on them when it comes to smoking especially when they are not doing good in school. You are right. It is funny when all they have to do is go to school and get a job and they think they are stressed. They have no idea do they?
Your words were encouraging.
Cathy
You are one tough cookie. I give you much respect. What you are doing is what all of us should be doing. My oldest boys smoke pot but one of them got caught up in crystal. He does not do that any more however you are so right about pot being an emotional drug. From reading your posting I see that I am too light on them when it comes to smoking especially when they are not doing good in school. You are right. It is funny when all they have to do is go to school and get a job and they think they are stressed. They have no idea do they?
Your words were encouraging.
Cathy
