Hello, I have been smoking a lot for the last 15 years. never really tried to stop, because never saw the need or reason. The last 10 years i have been in the same job which was long hours, and when i got home i would smoke lots ,sleep little ,get up early and so on. I wouldn't smoke in the morning if i was working, but on off days it was wake and bake. The few times i did "try" stop(no real attempt) I saw no point. I am now trying to start my own business, something completely new to me, having my own business and the business i am going into is all new to me. This would be stressfull for a non addict. I have now realised that i am in a bad way. Do you think it is possible to start a new unfamiliar business and quit pot at the same time??
Its easy to be a slave for someone and smoke pot, but now i'm trying to stop and cant. I have had panic attacks, been crying, feel like i cant do anything and am totally unmotivated. Have definately slowed down on my smoking, but the prob is i grow so have plenty, and i really love it. But i am starting to realise that i have been in a dream world the last 10 years and that one,or I, cant actually function in the real world if i carry on smoking. but stopping could also make me completely fall apart at this stage. It was great reading this site and found inspiration from cleo and fleur. You both described how i have felt over the last 3 years when i started to realise that the smoking was stealing my life from me. Just smoke and all will be ok.
Has anyone got any opinions on quitting pot(i am definately an addict) and starting a new life venture at the same time??? I am starting to think it is not possible, or that i am going to have a breakdown if i try do both?
| QUOTE |
| (i am definitely an addict) |
So am I. I was way into high grade pot, long before it was widely available.
I quit by treating pot like I would any addiction. I attended 12 step meetings at AA. One thing I realized was that one big difference between me and an opiate addict is that I was still getting royally baked each day--huge emotional dependency, while the opiate addict was using just to avoid getting dope sick. Pot addiction is a real addiction, and we pot addicts have huge emotional monkeys on our backs.
Chronic users have fatty deposits of THC accumulate at the base of their brains. It takes a long time for these to dissipate, and it means that we are more prone to fall back into old behavior. When I first walked into AA I could not imagine going three days without getting high and frankly held little hope that I would last that long. I had tried to quit too many times and always failed.
Somebody told me to open up my ears, open up my mind, and just not use today. I listened carefully because I was pretty sure that things were going to get much worse for me if AA failed. I became willing to do whatever they suggested to get clean and stay sober. I celebrated 20 years clean and sober at the end of February.
Write back, ask questions.
OH, PS, lost my job when I had 9 months clean. I have been in business on my own since then.
thanks Awest, i have just recntly quit my job to learn about the new one. I also have to move town for my new business. Not sure if i am going to manage all of that and quitting at the same time. I had basically been in robot mode for 10 years and only after i quit my job and started to try learn the new things that i realised what a bad way i was in.
I had to buy pot a few years ago(usually grow my own), and i realised then that i was dependant. Didnt really see it as a problem because i was in a groove...rut maybe is a better word ...going to work coming home and relaxing with a joint or 6. The financial problem surfaced then, but it just meant ,grow more so it lasts the year.i never sell just personal stash. I had noticed that i was 'falling out" of society and social activities, but blamed my long job hours. I was sometimes doing 16 hr days for days on end. Funnily i am not much of a people person, but my job was tourguide so i would deal with people all day. So when i got home i could just tell everyone(friends/family) that i had had enough of people and want to be alone on my couch for a bit. Most people couldn't believe the hours i was putting in(4am wake ups and home at 8pm) and none of them some of them didnt even know about the ridiculous amounts id smoke during the short time at home!! But if i look back on the last 10-15 years all i have actually done is work and smoke.
Definately started losing interest in other activities/hobbies, but again blamed long work hours and needing to rest on my off days!!
having read a few things on here and on other sites i now know that i was actually just slowly being swallowed up by the spliff!! I had always in a way knew that i was addicted but as i said never saw it as a prob. typical i guess. I am feeling a lot of guilt because of my parents! They dont know about my smoking and can see me taking strain with starting my knew venture. They think that it is just that side of things that are straining me ,(because it would be stressfull for anyone) but theres a whole other side to my stress. I just want to give up go back to my old dead end job and get stoned. All wrong.
Im having a big prob with motivation and taking on tasks.The knew work is completely foriegn and very daunting for me. will spend hours thinking about what i need to do ,but not actually do it! I'll end up getting one simple little thing done ,like going to buy what i need for a job will take me a day!!!
I am starting to think that its all because of my habit. At the moment i have cut down drastically, no more day smoking, but at night im still having 1 or 2 joints. went 1 or 2 non consecutive nights without but lack of sleep was a prob. Been struggling to sleep anyway because i have been thinking and stressing about the new business and moving town and wether or not i can do it,if itll work etc,etc
wow hadnt realised how long this had gotten, hope i havent been repeating myself. lol. I never reread. anyway i'll be back soon i hope.
cheers all
I had to buy pot a few years ago(usually grow my own), and i realised then that i was dependant. Didnt really see it as a problem because i was in a groove...rut maybe is a better word ...going to work coming home and relaxing with a joint or 6. The financial problem surfaced then, but it just meant ,grow more so it lasts the year.i never sell just personal stash. I had noticed that i was 'falling out" of society and social activities, but blamed my long job hours. I was sometimes doing 16 hr days for days on end. Funnily i am not much of a people person, but my job was tourguide so i would deal with people all day. So when i got home i could just tell everyone(friends/family) that i had had enough of people and want to be alone on my couch for a bit. Most people couldn't believe the hours i was putting in(4am wake ups and home at 8pm) and none of them some of them didnt even know about the ridiculous amounts id smoke during the short time at home!! But if i look back on the last 10-15 years all i have actually done is work and smoke.
Definately started losing interest in other activities/hobbies, but again blamed long work hours and needing to rest on my off days!!
having read a few things on here and on other sites i now know that i was actually just slowly being swallowed up by the spliff!! I had always in a way knew that i was addicted but as i said never saw it as a prob. typical i guess. I am feeling a lot of guilt because of my parents! They dont know about my smoking and can see me taking strain with starting my knew venture. They think that it is just that side of things that are straining me ,(because it would be stressfull for anyone) but theres a whole other side to my stress. I just want to give up go back to my old dead end job and get stoned. All wrong.
Im having a big prob with motivation and taking on tasks.The knew work is completely foriegn and very daunting for me. will spend hours thinking about what i need to do ,but not actually do it! I'll end up getting one simple little thing done ,like going to buy what i need for a job will take me a day!!!
I am starting to think that its all because of my habit. At the moment i have cut down drastically, no more day smoking, but at night im still having 1 or 2 joints. went 1 or 2 non consecutive nights without but lack of sleep was a prob. Been struggling to sleep anyway because i have been thinking and stressing about the new business and moving town and wether or not i can do it,if itll work etc,etc
wow hadnt realised how long this had gotten, hope i havent been repeating myself. lol. I never reread. anyway i'll be back soon i hope.
cheers all
Hey Robbo, thanks for laying out your story. There were so many parts of it that reminded me of me.
Some of the aspects of your story do speak of addiction. The robo-mode that you talked about was similar to how I structured my life. I could go through the motions, but slowly, over time, I lost interest in new experiences. I had no interest in meeting new friends, and simply wanted to get baked when I could. In the recovering addict community, we refer to this as isolating. We addicts do not like any stimulus that pulls us away from enjoying our drug of choice. I have been clean a long time, and I still struggle with this. The drugs rewired my brain to the point that I prefer isolating, and this is something that has held me back in many areas of my life. I have to take active steps to break out of that pattern of conduct, and it is difficult in the beginning.
Growing ones own is a "tell" for addictive behavior. One of the things addicts do is to secure and protect a source of supply. Growing your own is a way of doing this. For me, protecting my source of supply meant making enough money to have access to the very best weed that was grown. It was not uncommon for me to travel hundreds or thousands of miles (usually to a rock concert that doubled as a drug distribution system) and then to purchase enough weed to last me until the next trip. The time and money I put into my habit was staggering. Like you, when I was not using, I was working very long hours and this fed the isolation, which fed the desire to just sit and smoke.
Over time, my ability to think creatively and quickly began to diminish. I could not do math as quickly as I once could (part of my job required math skills), and toward the end, could hardly add two numbers together. My work required me to solve complicated problems, and slowly, I lost the ability to look at things from different angles. I became one dimensional.
I would think about all the great things I was going to do, but I did none of them. It was as if thinking about them was enough for me, and I ceased to move forward with much of anything.
Some of this may have been my personality to begin with, but I think now that it was the pot that altered my personality. I think I have reversed a lot of the damage done in those years (I smoked for 18 years) but not all of it. I am still struggling against my desire to isolate.
I tried cutting down on my smoking countless times. Sooner or later, I would not only be smoking as much as before, but often I found myself smoking more. Again, this is a hallmark of addiction. When we take away the stimulus of the drug, we actually want it more when it is returned. Often, I had trouble sleeping when I cut back and I would say to myself that I should have a little to sleep so that I could get up and do all the things that I had promised myself I was going to do tomorrow. Of course, those things rarely got done.
In the end, I did not really enjoy being high. I would get paranoid and would not want to leave my house. I can remember being so high that I just wanted to come down, but as soon as I would come down, I would smoke more. Definitely addictive behavior.
After I got clean, I did a lot of things. It took years, but my business eventually got off the ground. I had to show up each day during the lean years and not give up. I would not have been able to do this had I been able to escape into my bong. I did have a lot of extra time on my hands during those years. I got into outdoor sports in a big way and met some great friends. We had some amazing adventures and for 10 years I took many great trips to different parts of America as well as South America and had adventures that most people cannot even dream of. I eventually settled down, and my business became prosperous in time. Life takes many turns, and at one point I got cancer. I used the techniques I had learned in getting sober to ride out the chemo and radiation, and then I had to rebuild my life again. I got married a year ago, and together we are building a new life. You can do anything you want in life, or you can get high. It is your choice.
So Robbo, I told you how I dealt with my pot addiction. I can promise you this: you cannot think yourself out of addiction. It takes action, the kind of action that runs against every impulse and every instinct that feels comfortable to you.
Getting clean is all about getting out of your comfort zone. You may be trying to do this in starting a new business. It takes working on ourselves from the inside out, and opening up to others, preferably other addicts who understand. Simply changing our exterior circumstances rarely if ever helps us shake our addiction. In the recovering addict community we call this "taking a geographic cure." It takes more. Getting on the recovery track will improve your chances of success in your business by about 100%.
Are you ready to make a plan to get on with your life? Write back and let me know just how far you are willing to go to get the life you always dreamed of.
August.
Some of the aspects of your story do speak of addiction. The robo-mode that you talked about was similar to how I structured my life. I could go through the motions, but slowly, over time, I lost interest in new experiences. I had no interest in meeting new friends, and simply wanted to get baked when I could. In the recovering addict community, we refer to this as isolating. We addicts do not like any stimulus that pulls us away from enjoying our drug of choice. I have been clean a long time, and I still struggle with this. The drugs rewired my brain to the point that I prefer isolating, and this is something that has held me back in many areas of my life. I have to take active steps to break out of that pattern of conduct, and it is difficult in the beginning.
Growing ones own is a "tell" for addictive behavior. One of the things addicts do is to secure and protect a source of supply. Growing your own is a way of doing this. For me, protecting my source of supply meant making enough money to have access to the very best weed that was grown. It was not uncommon for me to travel hundreds or thousands of miles (usually to a rock concert that doubled as a drug distribution system) and then to purchase enough weed to last me until the next trip. The time and money I put into my habit was staggering. Like you, when I was not using, I was working very long hours and this fed the isolation, which fed the desire to just sit and smoke.
Over time, my ability to think creatively and quickly began to diminish. I could not do math as quickly as I once could (part of my job required math skills), and toward the end, could hardly add two numbers together. My work required me to solve complicated problems, and slowly, I lost the ability to look at things from different angles. I became one dimensional.
I would think about all the great things I was going to do, but I did none of them. It was as if thinking about them was enough for me, and I ceased to move forward with much of anything.
Some of this may have been my personality to begin with, but I think now that it was the pot that altered my personality. I think I have reversed a lot of the damage done in those years (I smoked for 18 years) but not all of it. I am still struggling against my desire to isolate.
I tried cutting down on my smoking countless times. Sooner or later, I would not only be smoking as much as before, but often I found myself smoking more. Again, this is a hallmark of addiction. When we take away the stimulus of the drug, we actually want it more when it is returned. Often, I had trouble sleeping when I cut back and I would say to myself that I should have a little to sleep so that I could get up and do all the things that I had promised myself I was going to do tomorrow. Of course, those things rarely got done.
In the end, I did not really enjoy being high. I would get paranoid and would not want to leave my house. I can remember being so high that I just wanted to come down, but as soon as I would come down, I would smoke more. Definitely addictive behavior.
After I got clean, I did a lot of things. It took years, but my business eventually got off the ground. I had to show up each day during the lean years and not give up. I would not have been able to do this had I been able to escape into my bong. I did have a lot of extra time on my hands during those years. I got into outdoor sports in a big way and met some great friends. We had some amazing adventures and for 10 years I took many great trips to different parts of America as well as South America and had adventures that most people cannot even dream of. I eventually settled down, and my business became prosperous in time. Life takes many turns, and at one point I got cancer. I used the techniques I had learned in getting sober to ride out the chemo and radiation, and then I had to rebuild my life again. I got married a year ago, and together we are building a new life. You can do anything you want in life, or you can get high. It is your choice.
So Robbo, I told you how I dealt with my pot addiction. I can promise you this: you cannot think yourself out of addiction. It takes action, the kind of action that runs against every impulse and every instinct that feels comfortable to you.
Getting clean is all about getting out of your comfort zone. You may be trying to do this in starting a new business. It takes working on ourselves from the inside out, and opening up to others, preferably other addicts who understand. Simply changing our exterior circumstances rarely if ever helps us shake our addiction. In the recovering addict community we call this "taking a geographic cure." It takes more. Getting on the recovery track will improve your chances of success in your business by about 100%.
Are you ready to make a plan to get on with your life? Write back and let me know just how far you are willing to go to get the life you always dreamed of.
August.
hi A ,thanks for writing .it was a good read.
I see you said i might be trying to change by starting up the new business, but actually its the starting of the new business that has actually made me realise that i need to change. To be honest i dont think i had any intention of stopping before i quit my job and started to learn about the new one. thats what sent me into panic and despair. I sort of threw myself into the knew venture while still doing my old job. once i had finished i started to freak out because it all just suddenly hit me. I am actually supposed to have moved town already and started but i am struggling to commit because i dont feel confident in the new stuff yet. And now i'm thinking of throwing in quitting stress too.
The isolating factor is very true and also what you said about somethings being in your personality already. I have always been fairly shy and independant, but i definately feel that the smoking might have altered my personality somewhat or certainly exaggerated and feulled certain parts of it.
would be nice if one could see where or how you would be if you had never smoked,I guess everyone wants that, and it would make things too easy.
how far am i willing to go? i cant even answer that yet. but i am here, and i am realising what i have been doing and not doing for the last 15 years cant be what life is about. And the plant that i have loved and admired for so long, might not be the treasure i have been thinking it is!! Its all a bit freaky and sudden.
When i was about 11 or 12 years old and didnt even know anything about weed or smoking my favourite music album was Bob Marleys -Kaya. I loved it. still do. I had no outside influences to the music(that i am aware of anyway) so as i got older it just made sense to smoke because i loved Bob before i even knew what splif was. it all seemed to make sense.
I want to write more about my smoking history(as accurately as i can remember that is) but i have been on MA chat for the last 3 hours so am pretty tired of the computer. So I'll get to that in my next post. Thanks for reply and i'll post again soon. Probably later tonight when i get back from my parents house and want to smoke.
Is August at the end of your post your name?
Cheers bud(should probably stop using that term here lol)
robbo
I see you said i might be trying to change by starting up the new business, but actually its the starting of the new business that has actually made me realise that i need to change. To be honest i dont think i had any intention of stopping before i quit my job and started to learn about the new one. thats what sent me into panic and despair. I sort of threw myself into the knew venture while still doing my old job. once i had finished i started to freak out because it all just suddenly hit me. I am actually supposed to have moved town already and started but i am struggling to commit because i dont feel confident in the new stuff yet. And now i'm thinking of throwing in quitting stress too.
The isolating factor is very true and also what you said about somethings being in your personality already. I have always been fairly shy and independant, but i definately feel that the smoking might have altered my personality somewhat or certainly exaggerated and feulled certain parts of it.
would be nice if one could see where or how you would be if you had never smoked,I guess everyone wants that, and it would make things too easy.
how far am i willing to go? i cant even answer that yet. but i am here, and i am realising what i have been doing and not doing for the last 15 years cant be what life is about. And the plant that i have loved and admired for so long, might not be the treasure i have been thinking it is!! Its all a bit freaky and sudden.
When i was about 11 or 12 years old and didnt even know anything about weed or smoking my favourite music album was Bob Marleys -Kaya. I loved it. still do. I had no outside influences to the music(that i am aware of anyway) so as i got older it just made sense to smoke because i loved Bob before i even knew what splif was. it all seemed to make sense.
I want to write more about my smoking history(as accurately as i can remember that is) but i have been on MA chat for the last 3 hours so am pretty tired of the computer. So I'll get to that in my next post. Thanks for reply and i'll post again soon. Probably later tonight when i get back from my parents house and want to smoke.
Is August at the end of your post your name?
Cheers bud(should probably stop using that term here lol)
robbo
Hey Robbo,
Your post makes me wonder if the pot changed us, or whether our personalities are such that we are predisposed to like to smoke pot? My guess is that both statements are true. Our personalities feed on the pot and the pot feeds on our personalities. Guaranteed recipe for addiction.
Is the MA chat for Marijuana Anonymous? That would be a very good place to check out. I too love Bob Marley. I spent a couple of eternal nights in Negril, back in the mid and late 80s. Ire. I can never go there again, not if I want to stay clean.
August is my screen name. I took the name from a character in a song played by the Grateful Dead, Wharf Rat. The name was co-opted by a group of clean and sober Deadheads who were trying to give support to one another at concerts. That is where I first got the word about recovery. It is fair to say that those hippies saved my life.
Write some more, let me know how you are doing.
August
Your post makes me wonder if the pot changed us, or whether our personalities are such that we are predisposed to like to smoke pot? My guess is that both statements are true. Our personalities feed on the pot and the pot feeds on our personalities. Guaranteed recipe for addiction.
Is the MA chat for Marijuana Anonymous? That would be a very good place to check out. I too love Bob Marley. I spent a couple of eternal nights in Negril, back in the mid and late 80s. Ire. I can never go there again, not if I want to stay clean.
August is my screen name. I took the name from a character in a song played by the Grateful Dead, Wharf Rat. The name was co-opted by a group of clean and sober Deadheads who were trying to give support to one another at concerts. That is where I first got the word about recovery. It is fair to say that those hippies saved my life.
Write some more, let me know how you are doing.
August
Hi Awest,
Definately agree with the combination theory. I've been doing a lot of reading through some questions on wether youre an addict . And i was right i am definately an addict!
One of the things i was aware of a long time ago was the fact that getting stoned wasn't fun anymore! Initially when smoking was more sporadic ,i would smoke to heighten experiences , watching movies, a party, a surf, bumper cars..... eventually everything was better if for me if i was stoned. It fitted me perfectly. So stoned i got. Now its is the norm it is just what i do.
Sure, i feel nice, seemingly physical and mental relief, when i get stoned, but I notice it is very short lived and it isn't for fun!! Its actually no real fun at all! Its a need! It could just as well be a heroine needle!!! Its really strange for me how this wonderful plant that i have loved for so long has turned on me. I have grown them for years ,caring for them and giving them loads of love. The ladies have turned into b******.
I have been smoking a lot less the last few weeks...for the last 4 days i have had 1 spliff in the evening or night. Then today some people came round and helped me with trimming some of my plants and i smoked with them, only few puffs for me. then had more at another friends etc . ,basically when i got home at about 10pm i had a spliff because i was stoned already. lately i have not been having that mandatory "when you get home spliff". Tonight i did , so i am pretty stoned now i am sorry to say. I am happy to say that i have noticed how ridiculously slowly i am getting this post done!! Find myself sitting staring at the screen longer thinking about what to write, ,its terrible!!! I'll write something then delete it....lol....i am gooofed!!!! I wish i wasnt. Its easier to write here when im not goofed! I wish i hadnt smoked anything today. I know that id physically and mentally feel like s*** and not be able to sleep, but i would feel a lot better about myself!!!! Thats for sure!
It was the Marijauna Annon I was on .It certainly seems like it will be helpful, it worked already,i was on for hours and it kept me away from my stash!
I might take this on properly tomorrow I am going to see how i feel when i wake up. I need to be up in 6 hours so i am going to go to bed now.
Thanks for the posts A ,sorry if any of the above is stoner gobbeledee goob, but i can assure you I will not be coming to write on here when i am stoned again!!
Cheers
Definately agree with the combination theory. I've been doing a lot of reading through some questions on wether youre an addict . And i was right i am definately an addict!
One of the things i was aware of a long time ago was the fact that getting stoned wasn't fun anymore! Initially when smoking was more sporadic ,i would smoke to heighten experiences , watching movies, a party, a surf, bumper cars..... eventually everything was better if for me if i was stoned. It fitted me perfectly. So stoned i got. Now its is the norm it is just what i do.
Sure, i feel nice, seemingly physical and mental relief, when i get stoned, but I notice it is very short lived and it isn't for fun!! Its actually no real fun at all! Its a need! It could just as well be a heroine needle!!! Its really strange for me how this wonderful plant that i have loved for so long has turned on me. I have grown them for years ,caring for them and giving them loads of love. The ladies have turned into b******.
I have been smoking a lot less the last few weeks...for the last 4 days i have had 1 spliff in the evening or night. Then today some people came round and helped me with trimming some of my plants and i smoked with them, only few puffs for me. then had more at another friends etc . ,basically when i got home at about 10pm i had a spliff because i was stoned already. lately i have not been having that mandatory "when you get home spliff". Tonight i did , so i am pretty stoned now i am sorry to say. I am happy to say that i have noticed how ridiculously slowly i am getting this post done!! Find myself sitting staring at the screen longer thinking about what to write, ,its terrible!!! I'll write something then delete it....lol....i am gooofed!!!! I wish i wasnt. Its easier to write here when im not goofed! I wish i hadnt smoked anything today. I know that id physically and mentally feel like s*** and not be able to sleep, but i would feel a lot better about myself!!!! Thats for sure!
It was the Marijauna Annon I was on .It certainly seems like it will be helpful, it worked already,i was on for hours and it kept me away from my stash!
I might take this on properly tomorrow I am going to see how i feel when i wake up. I need to be up in 6 hours so i am going to go to bed now.
Thanks for the posts A ,sorry if any of the above is stoner gobbeledee goob, but i can assure you I will not be coming to write on here when i am stoned again!!
Cheers
Robbo, the best way to quit this sheit is to quit it. Easier said than done, I know, but we stoners love to just think about doing it tomorrow.
Hang in there.
Hang in there.
hey there Awest,
As u would have thought,me being an addict, lied to you and myself. sorry. but i'm back here stoned. The last 2 days i have been breaking my 1 spliff a day cut down. I can feel the grip tightening harder already!!
I have been so weak about stopping. i really need to now for the benefit of my future and i dont even try to !!? Its definately about fear of failure . i mean there are plenty of times i have said to myself that ill stop smoking ciggarettes and i havent, i said it about spliff a few times over the years ,but always saw no point.
Thats what ive been thinking about the last few days ....what makes me think i can do it now!! I know that before i was never really trying, i have always said i could only give up cigs when i really wanted to, not if a doctor told me i was dying ,not for another person, not for money,not with patches,etc...... only when i really wanted to!
I would have thought that i really wanted to stop splif now .....but it appears not,..because im still smoking!!!
I am definately a little disinterested in life at the moment as u would imagine so its hard to find the motivation to look after ones best interests....sounds crazy....loosing interest in ones self preservation!!!
Im not suicidal or anything, I had a friend who did that and i would never put my family and friends through that.I am far to selfless to do that. I have explored that avenue of thought and it is definately not an option for me, closed book! Dying in my sleep would be ok though! lol.
I just think life isnt such a big deal anymore, and is it worth all the stess and strain. I know its all connected in a vicious cycle , the smoking and depression and motivation etc.!!
An interesting thing happened..well for me anyway...the first time i checked my facebook since having started coming here and starting to realise that i am an addict and need help.......there was a friend request from a girl i used to know who has been through rehab and has been clean for years!!! I think she might be my angel of sorts, well i saw it as some sort of positive sign for sure!! because i know she could help me. and she did offer. She was the 2nd person i know that i have properly told i have a problem. I have told a few others but not realyy seriously,and they werent really the right people to be telling...u know what i mean ...they are as blinded as i am!!! lol
Anyway the point of this post is to say in a quiet voice, a whisper really, that i am going to make an effort tommorow and stop with the splif. Its gonna be extra difficult because there is still so much of it here with me and i am going to be in the same lounge that i have been getting baked in for the last 10 years.......mmmmm not gonna make it easier thats for sure.......gotto make plan to get rid of stash.
thanks and cheers for now....24 hours here i come lol
As u would have thought,me being an addict, lied to you and myself. sorry. but i'm back here stoned. The last 2 days i have been breaking my 1 spliff a day cut down. I can feel the grip tightening harder already!!
I have been so weak about stopping. i really need to now for the benefit of my future and i dont even try to !!? Its definately about fear of failure . i mean there are plenty of times i have said to myself that ill stop smoking ciggarettes and i havent, i said it about spliff a few times over the years ,but always saw no point.
Thats what ive been thinking about the last few days ....what makes me think i can do it now!! I know that before i was never really trying, i have always said i could only give up cigs when i really wanted to, not if a doctor told me i was dying ,not for another person, not for money,not with patches,etc...... only when i really wanted to!
I would have thought that i really wanted to stop splif now .....but it appears not,..because im still smoking!!!
I am definately a little disinterested in life at the moment as u would imagine so its hard to find the motivation to look after ones best interests....sounds crazy....loosing interest in ones self preservation!!!
Im not suicidal or anything, I had a friend who did that and i would never put my family and friends through that.I am far to selfless to do that. I have explored that avenue of thought and it is definately not an option for me, closed book! Dying in my sleep would be ok though! lol.
I just think life isnt such a big deal anymore, and is it worth all the stess and strain. I know its all connected in a vicious cycle , the smoking and depression and motivation etc.!!
An interesting thing happened..well for me anyway...the first time i checked my facebook since having started coming here and starting to realise that i am an addict and need help.......there was a friend request from a girl i used to know who has been through rehab and has been clean for years!!! I think she might be my angel of sorts, well i saw it as some sort of positive sign for sure!! because i know she could help me. and she did offer. She was the 2nd person i know that i have properly told i have a problem. I have told a few others but not realyy seriously,and they werent really the right people to be telling...u know what i mean ...they are as blinded as i am!!! lol
Anyway the point of this post is to say in a quiet voice, a whisper really, that i am going to make an effort tommorow and stop with the splif. Its gonna be extra difficult because there is still so much of it here with me and i am going to be in the same lounge that i have been getting baked in for the last 10 years.......mmmmm not gonna make it easier thats for sure.......gotto make plan to get rid of stash.
thanks and cheers for now....24 hours here i come lol
| QUOTE |
| Im not suicidal or anything |
This is about where I was at when I quit. It was no longer a matter of whether I wanted to quit or not. I knew I could not quit. I could not control my using. I needed the s***, even though it was taking me further and further from the good things in life. You only have so many good years to meet a girl and start a family. If you smoke those years away, they will be gone forever.
I woke up one day and realized that I had already blown it with a lot of those kinds of opportunities for happiness. I was just a big pimply faced teenager in a 34 year old body.
I realized that I was an addict, and that if I did not stop, I was going to die, probably by a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. My train was quickly running out of track and I knew it.
| QUOTE |
| i am going to make an effort tommorow and stop with the splif. Its gonna be extra difficult because there is still so much of it here |
Rob, I am afraid you need to make a commitment here. What I am hearing is that you are kind of willing to make an effort. This sounds like the kind of stoned promise I used to make to myself around 300 times a year. This is kind of like saying, well, this train is running out of control and is about the jump the rails. I guess I need to start thinking about how to get off it before I die.
Rob, we stoners love to think about things and make half-arsed efforts. We usually get half-arsed results when we do this, but we just keep on doing it over and over anyway.
I recommend that you think long and hard about whether you want to live the rest of your life as a stoner, or whether you want to get clean. If you want to get clean, the way to do that is to GET RID OF YOUR STASH TODAY. If you promise to do it tomorrow, it is just another stoned promise. Then for the rest of today, stay clean. Tomorrow, get up and commit to try to make it one day clean. Worry about the next day when it gets here.
Get rid of your stash and then commit to a recovery program. You have checked out MA, and you have heard my suggestions. I think Fleur gave you some good advice in a different thread.
Stay away from your sources of supply and take some time away from those people who you may still party with. Plan on getting lots of rest because your sleep cycle will be screwy. Try to eat good food. Try to avoid stress where you can. Consider making an AA or NA meeting.
Good luck.
Let me know how you are doing. I would love to work with you, but only if you are clean. I really do not spend much time working with people who have not set down the dope yet.
Hang in there, and good luck!
Thanks for the post A
I can understand not working with someone still using.....I can tell you that i am going to make an effort this time....i will also tell you when i have used.
I have no real problem with not smoking in the day.....its when i get to the evening that it becomes a real problem...its 3pm here now am going to out for dinner with my folks tonight, and when i get home i am going to struggle!!! i have done one day and night before, but never with the intention of stopping for good....which is what the real catch is.......never again.......that always freaks me out!!!
I know i need to get rid of my stash, but it is too much to just throw away, but i am trying to get a buyer.....its worth too much money to just throw or give away. i know that sounds uncommited , but i aint rich so it would be stupid....so please bear with me on that one. you will be the first to know when it is all gone....well 2nd to me and my broken heart! lol
I was wondering what your thoughts are on trying to quit cigs at the same time as pot? I am thinking one at a time but then i think do both...a problem shared is a problem halved kind of theory. I am going to struggle anyway so why not get them both out of the way!! But again as you can imagine it seems a bit daunting!
Thanks again for the posts......i am now on about 15 hours which is nothing, I know, done that plenty before when in robot mode in old job and life....its the next 15 hours that are going to be the first real test. I have definately thought about smoking today because i now how much nicer it would make my steak taste at supper tonight. lol also a little worried i wont have the appetite my folks are used to me having(they dont really know about my habit). I know i will have to tell them soon.....but i feel guilty...because they will blame themselves.
a few years back i was going to tell them i smoked , but same thing i felt that they would blame themselves....its my selflessness coming out again....I know that they would be very supportive ,but i am concerned about giving them this sort of stress at this stage of their lives.
Anyway i think ill have to get back to that in another post.
cheers pal.....24 hours here i come
I can understand not working with someone still using.....I can tell you that i am going to make an effort this time....i will also tell you when i have used.
I have no real problem with not smoking in the day.....its when i get to the evening that it becomes a real problem...its 3pm here now am going to out for dinner with my folks tonight, and when i get home i am going to struggle!!! i have done one day and night before, but never with the intention of stopping for good....which is what the real catch is.......never again.......that always freaks me out!!!
I know i need to get rid of my stash, but it is too much to just throw away, but i am trying to get a buyer.....its worth too much money to just throw or give away. i know that sounds uncommited , but i aint rich so it would be stupid....so please bear with me on that one. you will be the first to know when it is all gone....well 2nd to me and my broken heart! lol
I was wondering what your thoughts are on trying to quit cigs at the same time as pot? I am thinking one at a time but then i think do both...a problem shared is a problem halved kind of theory. I am going to struggle anyway so why not get them both out of the way!! But again as you can imagine it seems a bit daunting!
Thanks again for the posts......i am now on about 15 hours which is nothing, I know, done that plenty before when in robot mode in old job and life....its the next 15 hours that are going to be the first real test. I have definately thought about smoking today because i now how much nicer it would make my steak taste at supper tonight. lol also a little worried i wont have the appetite my folks are used to me having(they dont really know about my habit). I know i will have to tell them soon.....but i feel guilty...because they will blame themselves.
a few years back i was going to tell them i smoked , but same thing i felt that they would blame themselves....its my selflessness coming out again....I know that they would be very supportive ,but i am concerned about giving them this sort of stress at this stage of their lives.
Anyway i think ill have to get back to that in another post.
cheers pal.....24 hours here i come
unrelated question ...How do you do the quote from another post thing? I replied to that jonniekerr idiot in Marys thread, and would love to have been able to quote him, or his rubbish should i say.
Hey Rob, just a quick note. I will write more later. It is really, really hard for an addict to get clean while he has a stash. I understand that you might have some money tied up in your stash, but that money has already been spent. If you held the stash and smoked it, the money would be gone. Remember what I said about making a real commitment to getting clean????
I tell hard drug addicts the same thing: get rid of the stash. Flush it, sell it (hope you don't get busted) or give it away. Just get rid of it.
Your odds of staying clean go up if you cut yourself off from easy access to your drug of choice. I would not quit cigs during this process--too much stress. Let that ride til later. I suggest you quit all mind altering substances. Drink three beers and you will toking away in no time.
I cannot seem to make the quote thing work. Let me get back to you on that.
I tell hard drug addicts the same thing: get rid of the stash. Flush it, sell it (hope you don't get busted) or give it away. Just get rid of it.
Your odds of staying clean go up if you cut yourself off from easy access to your drug of choice. I would not quit cigs during this process--too much stress. Let that ride til later. I suggest you quit all mind altering substances. Drink three beers and you will toking away in no time.
I cannot seem to make the quote thing work. Let me get back to you on that.
Wow, what a great conversatio.
Well do I recall those days. I, too, enjoyed high-end cannabis when others were making do with ragweed. It fried my motivation like nothing else...the endless circles of big ideas going nowhere fast.
The quote thing goes like this:
[q u o t e]whatever you want to quote goes here in the center[/q u o t e]
The reason it doesn't show as an actual quotation box here is because I put a space between each letter in the bracketed words, which you will not do when actually quoting...so it's basically quote / end quote. Good luck luck, Robbo.
| QUOTE |
| In the end, I did not really enjoy being high. I would get paranoid and would not want to leave my house. I can remember being so high that I just wanted to come down, but as soon as I would come down, I would smoke more.. |
Well do I recall those days. I, too, enjoyed high-end cannabis when others were making do with ragweed. It fried my motivation like nothing else...the endless circles of big ideas going nowhere fast.
The quote thing goes like this:
[q u o t e]whatever you want to quote goes here in the center[/q u o t e]
The reason it doesn't show as an actual quotation box here is because I put a space between each letter in the bracketed words, which you will not do when actually quoting...so it's basically quote / end quote. Good luck luck, Robbo.
| QUOTE |
| I cannot seem to make the quote thing work. Let me get back to you on that. |
I am worthless just after I wake up.
You're useless? I wrote "Good luck luck" to Robbo...sounds like a chinese dinner.
Morning August and mom ,thks for the posts and advice.
I failed yesterday.....I have always thought that i am stronger than that .....i know i am.
Awest i know that i need to get rid of stash,and i have started to. everything u said is very true,but being the addict that i am i have been growing my drug of choice for years. so the money is not really spent already. It is there to be made.
I have never sold before only given it to friends....why would i selll i love the stuff...its all for me. And im definately no dealer. Admittedly i would make my friends pay sometimes ,but that was because it is expensive so i told them that if i ever run out before i harvest again,I would end up having to go and buy it.....and i would hold it against them if i ended up doing that...but if they paid me a little...then at least i would feel that it was not my money i was spending on it.
Having said that ,i have only run out once about 5 years ago. That was sort of the first time i saw/felt that i had a problem. Would put off going to buy for hours...but eventually ,i would give in....go pay lots of money and get stoned. These were my worst stoned times because i saw how much i paid and it depressed me that i had to go and buy it. So instead of trying to face it..my addiction that is .....I just made sure to grow more so that i would never run out again.
I am sure this sounds like an addict defending keeping his stash.......but i am going to get rid of it ,i swear , just cant throw it away or give it away. So might be around a little longer than we wolud like. I'm also under no illusion that this might be my subconciuos addict personality rearing its ugly head, but we all need money, so i need to at least turn my stash into that. Before the stash was way more important to me than money ever was!! Does any of this make sense....i hope it does.
Anyway i have put the word out that it is up for grabs. got rid of 15g yesterday...and it felt pretty strange! Would usually only do 1 or 2 g..because didnt want to really sell any before. But i see that i have too ,so i am going to get rid of it all as soon as i can......but pls understand that i need to sell as opposed to tossing.........I think im starting to repeat myself.
I have a lot more to write but have to go and try to start practising my new job at my sisters house......been putting it off for 4days now ...and i know thats not good for anything....putting things off due to fear, and because i just want to get stoned instead..........there have been days where i dont smoke because i have stuff to do but i dont even end up doing them........I wont smoke and i wont do anything......very fulfilling life...lol....theres got to be more to it. I really hope that i manage to get started and do something at my sisters house today or i will be a ball of mental depression.
Thanks to you all
robbo
I failed yesterday.....I have always thought that i am stronger than that .....i know i am.
Awest i know that i need to get rid of stash,and i have started to. everything u said is very true,but being the addict that i am i have been growing my drug of choice for years. so the money is not really spent already. It is there to be made.
I have never sold before only given it to friends....why would i selll i love the stuff...its all for me. And im definately no dealer. Admittedly i would make my friends pay sometimes ,but that was because it is expensive so i told them that if i ever run out before i harvest again,I would end up having to go and buy it.....and i would hold it against them if i ended up doing that...but if they paid me a little...then at least i would feel that it was not my money i was spending on it.
Having said that ,i have only run out once about 5 years ago. That was sort of the first time i saw/felt that i had a problem. Would put off going to buy for hours...but eventually ,i would give in....go pay lots of money and get stoned. These were my worst stoned times because i saw how much i paid and it depressed me that i had to go and buy it. So instead of trying to face it..my addiction that is .....I just made sure to grow more so that i would never run out again.
I am sure this sounds like an addict defending keeping his stash.......but i am going to get rid of it ,i swear , just cant throw it away or give it away. So might be around a little longer than we wolud like. I'm also under no illusion that this might be my subconciuos addict personality rearing its ugly head, but we all need money, so i need to at least turn my stash into that. Before the stash was way more important to me than money ever was!! Does any of this make sense....i hope it does.
Anyway i have put the word out that it is up for grabs. got rid of 15g yesterday...and it felt pretty strange! Would usually only do 1 or 2 g..because didnt want to really sell any before. But i see that i have too ,so i am going to get rid of it all as soon as i can......but pls understand that i need to sell as opposed to tossing.........I think im starting to repeat myself.
I have a lot more to write but have to go and try to start practising my new job at my sisters house......been putting it off for 4days now ...and i know thats not good for anything....putting things off due to fear, and because i just want to get stoned instead..........there have been days where i dont smoke because i have stuff to do but i dont even end up doing them........I wont smoke and i wont do anything......very fulfilling life...lol....theres got to be more to it. I really hope that i manage to get started and do something at my sisters house today or i will be a ball of mental depression.
Thanks to you all
robbo
Robbo, I think a trash compactor or a trip to the garbage dump would work just fine. Do what you will, but I do not think your excuses are adding up. Either you get rid of the s*** or you stay in Groundhog Day. It is your choice.
your words are very true A,...i wont stop while it is around me. Out of respect for ,you,this board and myself ,i'll stop posting till i have rid myself of supply.
I shall return once i am better equipped to begin!
Thanks
I shall return once i am better equipped to begin!
Thanks
Hey Rob, please keep on posting. I'll be here when you are ready to quit. Just because you are not ready to "follow my orders" is no reason to stop posting.
All the best,
August
All the best,
August
