I'm relapsing.
stopped four years ago, then 9 months ago had my first hit.
now, I'm on my 5th day 'on' at the moment it's only 3 a day ,approx, but it's been every day for 5days.
I feel really s*** about this. I've made quite a good life fo myself since stopping.
now, Ii'm risking it all !!!
why am I doing this??
what is it that is causing me to do this.
is any body out there ??
I think I'm going to sleep.
But I need to sort myself out.
Tomorrow awaits.
gonna need support.....
I'll be awake in 7 1/2 hours.
But I need to sort myself out.
Tomorrow awaits.
gonna need support.....
I'll be awake in 7 1/2 hours.
Hi Julius,
We've never spoken, I'm usually on the pill board. You do it because your an addict, eh? It's hard, especially when it's right around the corner. If you just can't resist, you need to get some sort of help. Na meetings or whatever London has to offer maybe. A counselor. A trusted friend who will hold you accountable. Someone you can call when your head does you in. I wish I had an absolute answer, but I don't. You've got to find it within yourself.
But tomorrow always does come. Instead of dreading it, look at it as a new start, as day one. Become resolved, give yourself a chance as Darin says. You'er obviously a very bright guy. Don't ever stop trying to get back what you had. People who make it Never stop trying. I loved your post about time, past and future by the way.
Give it another go Julius. And another if that's what it takes. Never give up. Find someone to talk to when you just can't resist.
All the best, Beck
We've never spoken, I'm usually on the pill board. You do it because your an addict, eh? It's hard, especially when it's right around the corner. If you just can't resist, you need to get some sort of help. Na meetings or whatever London has to offer maybe. A counselor. A trusted friend who will hold you accountable. Someone you can call when your head does you in. I wish I had an absolute answer, but I don't. You've got to find it within yourself.
But tomorrow always does come. Instead of dreading it, look at it as a new start, as day one. Become resolved, give yourself a chance as Darin says. You'er obviously a very bright guy. Don't ever stop trying to get back what you had. People who make it Never stop trying. I loved your post about time, past and future by the way.
Give it another go Julius. And another if that's what it takes. Never give up. Find someone to talk to when you just can't resist.
All the best, Beck
Julius,
No need to feel like s***....you are human and WE ALL make mistakes! No need to consume yourself with your mistake. Opening up about it is half the battle.....besides...if you have done it before you can and will do it again! Dont blame yourself.....blame the choices you make. All the best!
No need to feel like s***....you are human and WE ALL make mistakes! No need to consume yourself with your mistake. Opening up about it is half the battle.....besides...if you have done it before you can and will do it again! Dont blame yourself.....blame the choices you make. All the best!
Looks like I'm not going to sleep.
Thank you beck's, your right about the some one to talk to/be accountable to.
One problem is that I live on my own, so I'm left to my own devices.May be I should pay for a counselor. Always an issue getting a good one I get on with quickly though. Or is that me making excuses?
Thank you Cyas- i'ts not the guilt so much as the fear of going back to where I was.
Today I felt a little bit sick with out it.
I know that it's within me, to do this. I have done it before from a much much greater hieght.
My boss at work is a fantastic person for me to talk too. I wish I could about this. But I work with vulnerable people. So I'm not sure. I worry about this.
I hope it's alright talk like this, I just want to explain what's going on for me right now.
Thank you beck's, your right about the some one to talk to/be accountable to.
One problem is that I live on my own, so I'm left to my own devices.May be I should pay for a counselor. Always an issue getting a good one I get on with quickly though. Or is that me making excuses?
Thank you Cyas- i'ts not the guilt so much as the fear of going back to where I was.
Today I felt a little bit sick with out it.
I know that it's within me, to do this. I have done it before from a much much greater hieght.
My boss at work is a fantastic person for me to talk too. I wish I could about this. But I work with vulnerable people. So I'm not sure. I worry about this.
I hope it's alright talk like this, I just want to explain what's going on for me right now.
You still around? Of course it's alright to talk like this. Loads of people who come here are still using. They want to learn ways to stop. I did it through the help of the good people on the boards here. It's wicked hard to do. Talk all you need to. Most find it helps when the tough times come. One thing that sounds so simple, more like a platitude really, but is so true is you take it one day at a time. For just that day make a decision not to use. 24 hours. 24 minutes if it helps. It's a lot of small victories that begin to add up. But I'm sorry...you already know this. You have had more clean time then i ever have.
Is your boss cool enough to know use the brown sometimes? Most would frown on it. Boy, mine would, lol. I'm pretty isolated myself. Do you have meetings there? You'd find many just like you and there's no charge. Never been to one, but if I could find one to fit my schedule I'd go. Hang on Julius. Tomorrow is a new day. A hard one, but maybe a beginning too.
xxoo, Beck
Is your boss cool enough to know use the brown sometimes? Most would frown on it. Boy, mine would, lol. I'm pretty isolated myself. Do you have meetings there? You'd find many just like you and there's no charge. Never been to one, but if I could find one to fit my schedule I'd go. Hang on Julius. Tomorrow is a new day. A hard one, but maybe a beginning too.
xxoo, Beck
Tomorrow awaits and tomorrow is a new day (true). But make sure today is the day you work on since tomorrow never arrives.
THanx again beck,
There are the people that I get my gear through, but they don't really count.
So the only people who are aware of the extent of my problem are you lot out there. Just the fact that I am communicating this problem is a help in itself. AS GYAC(?) said. SO I want to say abig thank you to y'all.
You're not stating the obvious, as the thing that is most worrying about my mental state at the moment is how my mind is now starting to rationalise/ make excuses for my usage. Now I'm off too work, and that's my excuse now. As I didn't get much sleep last night and I don't think I could cope with what's in front of me. ( see how bad things are getting.... 'I can't cope with out it!!!!') Like I say it's only about 2 worth. But it's not amount it's the fact that it's the 6th day it's been in my system.
But It's a new day and your advice is having an affect on me.
Having you respond to me is having an effect.
I will stop this I promise YOU,
and thanx again.
love
julius
There are the people that I get my gear through, but they don't really count.
So the only people who are aware of the extent of my problem are you lot out there. Just the fact that I am communicating this problem is a help in itself. AS GYAC(?) said. SO I want to say abig thank you to y'all.
You're not stating the obvious, as the thing that is most worrying about my mental state at the moment is how my mind is now starting to rationalise/ make excuses for my usage. Now I'm off too work, and that's my excuse now. As I didn't get much sleep last night and I don't think I could cope with what's in front of me. ( see how bad things are getting.... 'I can't cope with out it!!!!') Like I say it's only about 2 worth. But it's not amount it's the fact that it's the 6th day it's been in my system.
But It's a new day and your advice is having an affect on me.
Having you respond to me is having an effect.
I will stop this I promise YOU,
and thanx again.
love
julius
P.S.
I've got the money to take myself off on holiday, so I'm gonna approach my boss and see if she can let me go o short notice.
I reckon this is probably the easiast way of stopping it NOW. Or atleast in a couple of days.
Is this a good idea or just escaping ??
I think the former. U???
L8ers Julius
I've got the money to take myself off on holiday, so I'm gonna approach my boss and see if she can let me go o short notice.
I reckon this is probably the easiast way of stopping it NOW. Or atleast in a couple of days.
Is this a good idea or just escaping ??
I think the former. U???
L8ers Julius
Alright Julius,no need to wreck yer head bought the gear,its only a pinch,but as you said its still in yer system.As for goin away why not i deff.wouldnt feel like i was running away or escaping.Mte a change of scenery might give you that extra perspective on things.Best of luck in whatever you choose ....Davey
Hi, I am on the pill board also.
If you stop now, and take that time away from work, it won't hurt as bad to kick.
Think about the sick insanity of why you quit in the first place...that is where you end up if you don't stop.
As for why you did it? Well, who knows. I surely don't..it could have been as simple as it sounded good at the moment. Myabe you had to test it out one more time.
Just don't beat yourself up over it; this disease feeds on guilt, shame and isolation. Living alone is hard; but if I can do it, you can. That was my biggest fear at one time. Now, it doesn't bother me.
I don't know you, but I think you want this...so go get it.
If you stop now, and take that time away from work, it won't hurt as bad to kick.
Think about the sick insanity of why you quit in the first place...that is where you end up if you don't stop.
As for why you did it? Well, who knows. I surely don't..it could have been as simple as it sounded good at the moment. Myabe you had to test it out one more time.
Just don't beat yourself up over it; this disease feeds on guilt, shame and isolation. Living alone is hard; but if I can do it, you can. That was my biggest fear at one time. Now, it doesn't bother me.
I don't know you, but I think you want this...so go get it.
| QUOTE |
| ( see how bad things are getting.... 'I can't cope with out it!!!!') |
Julius,
If you keep telling yourself things like that then you will stay stuck in heroin addiction. Since YOU are in control of your mind.....tell yourself on a daily basis that I can and will overcome this! You have a great advantage here with only 6 days using......do yourself a BIG favor and get out now because as each day grows your struggle to break free will be that much harder. Look beyond whats in front of you and you will notice better and brighter days. If you think that going on holiday will help you get clean then yes it is running.....TO SAVE YOURSELF so if that is what you need to do, do it as soon as possible and reclaim control of your life before it gets WAY out of control! All the best to you!
Darin
PS......GYAC stands for: Give Yourself A Chance!
..Julius..
..How you doing today..drop in and let us know how things are with ya..good luck mate..Robbie..
..How you doing today..drop in and let us know how things are with ya..good luck mate..Robbie..
Thanx again every one, I hope you realise just how important it is having contact with other humans on this subject. I can be very introspective/isolated. so you help.
I just started typing aload of b.s. there, but fortunately I managed to realise in time, so there is hope. :-) I hope what follows isn't too bad!!!!
I have had a bit today, Pathetically small, Probably 1-2. I got a tube left and then that's its. I know that's crap. IT'S trying to convince me that I'm scared. But I'm NOT. ITS CRAP. I CAN AND WILL STOP.
AS of now I'm going to make myself accountable to this thread. If any of you's would just take a look in on me now and then I will be honest!!! LIKE Beck said earlier, I need to be accountable to someone or something. And I think that I will try to get myself away for a few days.
I feel a bit stupid for being like this when the amounts involved are so so small.
But some of you must realise a) just how sneaky this s*** is, b) the habit is as dangerous as the quantity. And Fortunately I haven't thought about needles yet.
GOD that's another ball game entirely with me.
IF any of you have relavant question's that I may be missing I would appreciate you passing them on !!!!!! Please be as frank as you think necessary!!!!!
Thanx again, BACK in about 3-4hrs.
I just started typing aload of b.s. there, but fortunately I managed to realise in time, so there is hope. :-) I hope what follows isn't too bad!!!!
I have had a bit today, Pathetically small, Probably 1-2. I got a tube left and then that's its. I know that's crap. IT'S trying to convince me that I'm scared. But I'm NOT. ITS CRAP. I CAN AND WILL STOP.
AS of now I'm going to make myself accountable to this thread. If any of you's would just take a look in on me now and then I will be honest!!! LIKE Beck said earlier, I need to be accountable to someone or something. And I think that I will try to get myself away for a few days.
I feel a bit stupid for being like this when the amounts involved are so so small.
But some of you must realise a) just how sneaky this s*** is, b) the habit is as dangerous as the quantity. And Fortunately I haven't thought about needles yet.
GOD that's another ball game entirely with me.
IF any of you have relavant question's that I may be missing I would appreciate you passing them on !!!!!! Please be as frank as you think necessary!!!!!
Thanx again, BACK in about 3-4hrs.
julius,
come on darling your a big boy now, you know what your getting yourself into.... going on holiday, stopping work and all that aint gonna help the problem is still gonna be there when you get back... so face it head on.. at least your not sitting there fidling with your thumbs bored out of your head, you've got a job to go to to help take your mind of things... you done so well getting off the gear all them years ago, why for gods sake do you want to throw all that down the toilet hay.... I'm sorry if i sound abit in your face, but i know im on b myself, i know if i was smoking such a small amount i seriously wouldnt be smoking it everyday to put myself back in that posistion you was in them years ago.... something has triggerd this in your head that is making you buy this s*** again, deal with that, if your bored go and visit a friend or your family someone you know that wont tempt you to smoke it...read, go on the playstation, chat on here anything to make the hours pass so your not thinking about it....
i wish you all the luck, just fix up you know you can, take care, thinking of you, tracie x
come on darling your a big boy now, you know what your getting yourself into.... going on holiday, stopping work and all that aint gonna help the problem is still gonna be there when you get back... so face it head on.. at least your not sitting there fidling with your thumbs bored out of your head, you've got a job to go to to help take your mind of things... you done so well getting off the gear all them years ago, why for gods sake do you want to throw all that down the toilet hay.... I'm sorry if i sound abit in your face, but i know im on b myself, i know if i was smoking such a small amount i seriously wouldnt be smoking it everyday to put myself back in that posistion you was in them years ago.... something has triggerd this in your head that is making you buy this s*** again, deal with that, if your bored go and visit a friend or your family someone you know that wont tempt you to smoke it...read, go on the playstation, chat on here anything to make the hours pass so your not thinking about it....
i wish you all the luck, just fix up you know you can, take care, thinking of you, tracie x
That's right Julius. Listen to Tracie. No more bu!!sh!t as you said. Start with one clean day. Then another. You can do this. You know full well where you'll end up if you don't Save yourself a world of hurt and stop now.
Tracie, you yourself are doing well on your taper. Good for you! I know my boys had so much to do with my stopping. MAybe you should read on the Families board some. That helped me alot, seeing how much pain and distress we cause our loved ones. Keep at it!
xxoo, Beck
Tracie, you yourself are doing well on your taper. Good for you! I know my boys had so much to do with my stopping. MAybe you should read on the Families board some. That helped me alot, seeing how much pain and distress we cause our loved ones. Keep at it!
xxoo, Beck
gotta agree with the ladies J.we all know how hard it is but yer taking just a pinch,so why not just take it hr.by.hr.&day by day.Take care mate ....Davey
Today It Stopped.
And no, Tracie and beck your not being too inmy face. That's just the sort of thing I need to hear right now. I am being really stupid to risk all that i've achieved.
I haven't had any today and I don't plan to either. And this is the highest risk time.As this spell started as a week end thing. cos H is a real Upper for me in the beginning. You know, life and soul and all that. Talking absolute s***e. But it feels great at the time. And I don't need to say where it takes me. I'm sure you allhave a pretty good Idea.
I'm a bit too tired to say very much at the mo, Lack of sleep is catching up with me. But I'm sure that in the coming days when, I'll be unable to sleep, I'll be back here.
Good for you Julius. A decision has been made and a plan begun. Keep it simple. Don't look to far into the future. Be ready for cravings. Try walking or keeping active. It helps, even if you feel fatigued. I promise you, stopping is something you'll never regret, but will look back on for the rest of your days with gratitude. If you don't, the regret will have no end. I walked into my last run with eyes wide open and brought tremendous suffering onto my family and myself. Knowing I knew better made it so much harder to bear. Keep posting when you can and stay determined!
xxoo, Beck
xxoo, Beck
..Julius..
..We all live our days in recovery differently..wot works for one of us dose,nt nessacarily work for the other..my head was all over the place in my first days in recovery..coming on here sure helped a lot..but the time away from here i did,nt know wot to do with myself..and that monkey banging away at my head to go and use a little bit..but i managed to fight my way thru the days..most days i would come on here or write ( lyrics/poems/quotes) and even just writing how i was feeling at that moment in time helped..i know your gonna be thinking about the brown even thou you may have stopped ?..and wherever you go or wotever you do..them cravings and thoughts are gonna be right beside ya..try get sumfin to focus on..a few different things to keep ya mind occupied..i know things are easier said than done..but we,ve all been where your at at sum point of our addictions..don,t make promises to yourself or others...just make changes..a day at a time..it can be done..you need to change the way you think about heroin..it will only put your life on hold if you stop/start/stop/start..wheather its 2 wotrh or 20 worth..your still in the devils pocket..hes got you in his grasp and you need to fight your way out..it is a battle..but you can win it by fighting it day by day..no one said it is an easy thing to get out of..but only you can make the change..we can help and support ya..but its your decision on which side of the road you wanna walk down..you can,t run and hide from heroin..cos its always on your back until you can fight it off..i wish ya well and good luck..anytime you need to talk or vent..just come on here and there are people here for you..take it easy mate..Robbie..
..We all live our days in recovery differently..wot works for one of us dose,nt nessacarily work for the other..my head was all over the place in my first days in recovery..coming on here sure helped a lot..but the time away from here i did,nt know wot to do with myself..and that monkey banging away at my head to go and use a little bit..but i managed to fight my way thru the days..most days i would come on here or write ( lyrics/poems/quotes) and even just writing how i was feeling at that moment in time helped..i know your gonna be thinking about the brown even thou you may have stopped ?..and wherever you go or wotever you do..them cravings and thoughts are gonna be right beside ya..try get sumfin to focus on..a few different things to keep ya mind occupied..i know things are easier said than done..but we,ve all been where your at at sum point of our addictions..don,t make promises to yourself or others...just make changes..a day at a time..it can be done..you need to change the way you think about heroin..it will only put your life on hold if you stop/start/stop/start..wheather its 2 wotrh or 20 worth..your still in the devils pocket..hes got you in his grasp and you need to fight your way out..it is a battle..but you can win it by fighting it day by day..no one said it is an easy thing to get out of..but only you can make the change..we can help and support ya..but its your decision on which side of the road you wanna walk down..you can,t run and hide from heroin..cos its always on your back until you can fight it off..i wish ya well and good luck..anytime you need to talk or vent..just come on here and there are people here for you..take it easy mate..Robbie..
