ive been mostly doing ok for a while, but i have to do something different. it seems that ultimately i abuse anything if its abuseable. wn first getting off opiates again about 7 or 8 months ago i saw a shrink & he ended up givving me addearl for add, which after a couple months i called him & told him not to give me any more, for obvious reasons. then i got provigal, which isnt supposed to be that abusable, but with me it is. last week i was in a p harmacy & thru that vibe we seem to have i started talking to someoe who was waiting for a script for loritabs, & i ended up buying some from them & over the course of a few days i bought them again & again. anyway, i stopped day before yesterday, again, threw out the phone #, & im back at stage 0, & i sure am tired of this back & forth stuff- fortunately there will be no WD, other then minor depression. I sure am tired of myself.
Hey Dog - Havent talked to you in awhile. Hey, dont be so down on yourself. Almost everyone on this board has relapsed ALOT of times before getting it right. All you can do, is pick yourself up and start again, which I know, sucks, because I've done it several times. At least you didnt get "too" out of hand - which I usually do if I relapse.
You hang tough - I know the holiday season is kind of hard too - because we have to "put on our happy faces" (at least I do) for our kids and families sake - but I know that you willl "bounce right back" and be fine. You've given out some great advice on this board - now its time to take some of it yourself:o)
I'm here to talk or you can email me if you'd like. You were there for me and I'm here for you. You are one great guy!!
Love,
Marie
You hang tough - I know the holiday season is kind of hard too - because we have to "put on our happy faces" (at least I do) for our kids and families sake - but I know that you willl "bounce right back" and be fine. You've given out some great advice on this board - now its time to take some of it yourself:o)
I'm here to talk or you can email me if you'd like. You were there for me and I'm here for you. You are one great guy!!
Love,
Marie
thanx Mairee, ya know its not just the minor relapse, (if there is such a thing as minor), sometimes (not to sound like a whining baby) i am so f..n, sick & tired of myself & my lazy ways. tired of focrcing myself on day after day, wn i dont feel like it, and tired of my whole thought process. remember that old NA saying, "im sick & tired of being sick & tired." the options are: give up (not a valid option), quit fighting this & get back on methadone (another way of giving up-i think) or get better somehow. i'm shooting for get better, but honestly , sometimes this whole thing seems so hopeless & my attitude s..ks. Well, i gotta get to work & get thru today, & then if i make some successful sales i'll feel good & then have to fight that trigger. i know i'm sounding like a whining baby (probably cause i am) , but i'm tired of giving up & tired of fighting. thankx for listining & thanx for the kind concern. harry
Harryt-
You know I've been there, so I feel for you, but it wont be this way forever. I dont think youre the type of guy to "give up". And yes, you do sound like a whining baby :o) LOL - Just like we all do when we feel this way!!! Try to have a nice day!!!
Love,
Marie
You know I've been there, so I feel for you, but it wont be this way forever. I dont think youre the type of guy to "give up". And yes, you do sound like a whining baby :o) LOL - Just like we all do when we feel this way!!! Try to have a nice day!!!
Love,
Marie
it was kind of hard to teach this old dog new tricks, too.
i'm grateful to see you made it back. there are many that don't.
so whatcha gonna do different this time?
namaste'
sammy
i'm grateful to see you made it back. there are many that don't.
so whatcha gonna do different this time?
namaste'
sammy
Brown,
morning ... read your post..... can we look at this thing from a clinical perspective.?
ok... are you on an anit-depressant?.... if you are how long have you been and do you think it helps... if it is then great... if not have you been on it long enough?... if you have ( at least a month and a half..) then should you talk to your doc about switching?... ok.. if you are staying on it or switching to an other med... can you avoid a pharmacy.... maybe this is a trigger.... can you avoid some or most of your triggers.... (let me throw in here that if your doc knew that you are an addict and he prescribed adderal for you... then he is a moron... and if he didnt know and you didnt tell him... then well the moron award... fall to someone else... said with love ... dont get mad...)...... next...
as marie said the holidays are really bad for some of us.... even for me... I have really struggled some days... I have a six year old and I have done not one stitch of shopping for her yet ..dont have one decoration up... nothing... but at anyrate... I understand if that is part of it... again as Marie said this is not the time to beat your self up.... as you said you can take a little comfort in the fact that you havent spent months back out... but you still have to look at the possible causes and try to eliminate them...
Now going back to the pharmacy incident... what could you have done while talking to that person with the loratab script... ?... or even after you bought them... with pills in hand... stopped called someone in NA or AA if you were going to meeting..?....backing up further... had your mind set become complacent or just so down that you had given up or over to the idea and you sort of knew that you would use if given the opportunity... I sometimes just know that if I was presented with the opportunity to use I would do it... that is when ... right then as soon as I know that in my head I got to call someone or go to a meeting or just do something about it... if I dont sure as I sit that opportunity will come I am done for.....
I know this is long and I am sorry but it really boils down to this.. it is about the behavior and thinking that leads up to the relapse and the behavior that we learn from it to prevent it from happening again...
God Bless
Teresa
morning ... read your post..... can we look at this thing from a clinical perspective.?
ok... are you on an anit-depressant?.... if you are how long have you been and do you think it helps... if it is then great... if not have you been on it long enough?... if you have ( at least a month and a half..) then should you talk to your doc about switching?... ok.. if you are staying on it or switching to an other med... can you avoid a pharmacy.... maybe this is a trigger.... can you avoid some or most of your triggers.... (let me throw in here that if your doc knew that you are an addict and he prescribed adderal for you... then he is a moron... and if he didnt know and you didnt tell him... then well the moron award... fall to someone else... said with love ... dont get mad...)...... next...
as marie said the holidays are really bad for some of us.... even for me... I have really struggled some days... I have a six year old and I have done not one stitch of shopping for her yet ..dont have one decoration up... nothing... but at anyrate... I understand if that is part of it... again as Marie said this is not the time to beat your self up.... as you said you can take a little comfort in the fact that you havent spent months back out... but you still have to look at the possible causes and try to eliminate them...
Now going back to the pharmacy incident... what could you have done while talking to that person with the loratab script... ?... or even after you bought them... with pills in hand... stopped called someone in NA or AA if you were going to meeting..?....backing up further... had your mind set become complacent or just so down that you had given up or over to the idea and you sort of knew that you would use if given the opportunity... I sometimes just know that if I was presented with the opportunity to use I would do it... that is when ... right then as soon as I know that in my head I got to call someone or go to a meeting or just do something about it... if I dont sure as I sit that opportunity will come I am done for.....
I know this is long and I am sorry but it really boils down to this.. it is about the behavior and thinking that leads up to the relapse and the behavior that we learn from it to prevent it from happening again...
God Bless
Teresa
It's funny (in a sick way) how you talked about striking up a conversation with someone at the pharmacy and having that certain way about talking about drugs... I do that. No matter who I meet or where I meet them, I have certain phrases or words that I say and can tell right away if the person is on pain killers.... It can be a total stranger and I will know within 5 minutes if they are on pain pills, too.
I also know what you mean about abusing pretty much anything.... yesterday I went the entire day without pain pills (until 4am this morning) and I took sinus medicine for energy until it was time to take my sleeping pills and go to bed. I am also sick and tired of being sick and tired..... Other people wake up and deal with pain and are okay... I want to be there, too
I also know what you mean about abusing pretty much anything.... yesterday I went the entire day without pain pills (until 4am this morning) and I took sinus medicine for energy until it was time to take my sleeping pills and go to bed. I am also sick and tired of being sick and tired..... Other people wake up and deal with pain and are okay... I want to be there, too
Danielle.....just wanted to tell you I can walk in to someone's house and smell hydrocodone in their medicine cabinet! LOL! It's a sickness, you know! Have a nice day!
dog, teresa is right...you have to watch the behaviors that start long before you put the pills in your hand. If I had a handful of pills in my hand, at that point, there is no way I would have called someone...I would be too far gone at that point.
For me, I have learned that once I even start to struggle with the compulsion, I lose....
So I have to watch myself all the time....I have learned to watch for things that I know will set me off...
The more cravings you ride out instead of acting on them, the easier it will get.
And at least you are back at square one, not still out there. I have started over many times...
Hugs and peace to you.....
Kerry
you guys are right, & my way of not using has essentially been ignoring drugs. My shrink called it compartmentalizing or something like that. When i'm clean & they are not around or readily available , i'm ok for the most part until i get the seed of the seed of an idea of using. The longer i go without, the more extinct the desire comes, but its always sort of malignantly there, undealt with. Years ago, during a period of clean time that lasted over 10 years (i was into born-again thing that ultimately just didn't work for me- but i was still clean after leaving) i would be riding on the LI railroad & have a cold & think how a bag or a bottle of AC would clean up my cold so nicely, but it just passed. So I don't know if ive ever honestly dealt with how to deal with how to not use honestly. i think ints just always there & secretely i'm thinking someday i'm gonna use once in a while.
But on a lighter funny, not funny side, it is amazing this sense of drug vibe we have & how u can almost sense when they are around. We do it without even knowing it.
No Teresa, of all the things that are triggers, believe it or not, the pharmacy is not a major one, though whenever i am in publix or waiting at any pharmacy i always gaze at all the pills & think of how i could get them & that is even if i havent thought of using, so maybe it is a trigger.
But actually, it seems like everything is a trigger to me. If i'm doing good & making money, thats a big trigger. when things get bad thats a trigger, but i usually tighten up then & get in a survival, extra clean mode, so i can get things back on track. But when they are solidly back on track, i'm triggered big time.
Music, movies, driving, working,, relaxing, tv, girls, & memories also are triggers. Fighting with my wife is a trigger & getting along with her is a trigger. Every f..n thing is a trigger.
But it is amazing how weak & whiny drug use makes people (me especially) and if i start to feel , like i'm gonna go thru any kind of wd, i worry about it, & if i feel a little off im a big baby and feel sorry for myself.
Hope everyone has a great Christmas, or at least a good one, or at least one thats not terrible.
But on a lighter funny, not funny side, it is amazing this sense of drug vibe we have & how u can almost sense when they are around. We do it without even knowing it.
No Teresa, of all the things that are triggers, believe it or not, the pharmacy is not a major one, though whenever i am in publix or waiting at any pharmacy i always gaze at all the pills & think of how i could get them & that is even if i havent thought of using, so maybe it is a trigger.
But actually, it seems like everything is a trigger to me. If i'm doing good & making money, thats a big trigger. when things get bad thats a trigger, but i usually tighten up then & get in a survival, extra clean mode, so i can get things back on track. But when they are solidly back on track, i'm triggered big time.
Music, movies, driving, working,, relaxing, tv, girls, & memories also are triggers. Fighting with my wife is a trigger & getting along with her is a trigger. Every f..n thing is a trigger.
But it is amazing how weak & whiny drug use makes people (me especially) and if i start to feel , like i'm gonna go thru any kind of wd, i worry about it, & if i feel a little off im a big baby and feel sorry for myself.
Hope everyone has a great Christmas, or at least a good one, or at least one thats not terrible.
wow! what an awesome "share" browndog!
it's a lifelong process
i was particularly struck with this:
it's a lifelong process
you said, "When i'm clean & they are not around or readily available , i'm ok for the most part until i get the seed of the seed of an idea of using. The longer i go without, the more extinct the desire comes, but its always sort of malignantly there, undealt with...."
it's a lifelong process
that seed, for me is one of the symptoms of the disease of addiction - obsession - obsession of the drugs and using. what you described in your earlier message about buying the drugs from someone at the pharmacy, is the other symptom - compulsion. i was compulsed to use when i came eyeball to eyeball with the drugs.
it's a lifelong process
when i got clean, i learned i had to change what i could, the people, places, things that were a little too slippery for me to be around. it took a whole lot of help in pointing these "things" out to me because up to this point in my life, my way just wasn't getting it. it's a process and one that takes time. when i afforded myself the time to change these distractions in my life, i was able to replace the void i felt from them being gone with recovery.
it's a lifelong process
i have a simple way of thinking of life and equate the big picture very much to that of pie. one slice represents recovery, one slice family, another is friends, another is work, another is finances...leisure and fun...and so on. at the hub of this circle is my spirituality. now wouldn't your shrink have hay day with me and my compartmentalilizing?!? :))
it's a lifelong process
when i was using, all of these pieces were reduced to tiny slivers - the bulk of pie was taken up with the drugs and the behavior that surrounded my drug use while addicted. when coming to recovery, this pie remained extremely disproportionate. there was this tremdeous hole that had been chunked out (the drug use and behavior) and i felt a terrible void. this void had to be filled with something that proved positive (recovery), because if it wasn't, i was bound to go back to my addiction and addictive ways. if nothing change, nothing changes. it was so simple for me to quit the drug. it was staying quit that always tripped me up!
it's a life long process
with recovery, i have had the wonderful opportunity to see these tiny slivers of the pie enlarge and some semblance of balance restored to my life. i have a lot of work to still do. there are areas of my life that are still not quite as broad as i would like to see, but hey, with time, patience, trust, and suggestions from those who have walked before me, i have faith that when the time is right, these other areas will expand.
it's a lifelong process
read between the lines -
it's a lifelong process and one that i thank God, i don't have to go alone.
i'm grateful to be trudging here with you.
namaste'
sammy
it's a lifelong process
i was particularly struck with this:
it's a lifelong process
you said, "When i'm clean & they are not around or readily available , i'm ok for the most part until i get the seed of the seed of an idea of using. The longer i go without, the more extinct the desire comes, but its always sort of malignantly there, undealt with...."
it's a lifelong process
that seed, for me is one of the symptoms of the disease of addiction - obsession - obsession of the drugs and using. what you described in your earlier message about buying the drugs from someone at the pharmacy, is the other symptom - compulsion. i was compulsed to use when i came eyeball to eyeball with the drugs.
it's a lifelong process
when i got clean, i learned i had to change what i could, the people, places, things that were a little too slippery for me to be around. it took a whole lot of help in pointing these "things" out to me because up to this point in my life, my way just wasn't getting it. it's a process and one that takes time. when i afforded myself the time to change these distractions in my life, i was able to replace the void i felt from them being gone with recovery.
it's a lifelong process
i have a simple way of thinking of life and equate the big picture very much to that of pie. one slice represents recovery, one slice family, another is friends, another is work, another is finances...leisure and fun...and so on. at the hub of this circle is my spirituality. now wouldn't your shrink have hay day with me and my compartmentalilizing?!? :))
it's a lifelong process
when i was using, all of these pieces were reduced to tiny slivers - the bulk of pie was taken up with the drugs and the behavior that surrounded my drug use while addicted. when coming to recovery, this pie remained extremely disproportionate. there was this tremdeous hole that had been chunked out (the drug use and behavior) and i felt a terrible void. this void had to be filled with something that proved positive (recovery), because if it wasn't, i was bound to go back to my addiction and addictive ways. if nothing change, nothing changes. it was so simple for me to quit the drug. it was staying quit that always tripped me up!
it's a life long process
with recovery, i have had the wonderful opportunity to see these tiny slivers of the pie enlarge and some semblance of balance restored to my life. i have a lot of work to still do. there are areas of my life that are still not quite as broad as i would like to see, but hey, with time, patience, trust, and suggestions from those who have walked before me, i have faith that when the time is right, these other areas will expand.
it's a lifelong process
read between the lines -
it's a lifelong process and one that i thank God, i don't have to go alone.
i'm grateful to be trudging here with you.
namaste'
sammy
Sammy, nice post, good answer. I know NA is part of your recovery, and it seems like u have been clean a while. How long, if i can ask & are you genuinely happy inside. ( I once asked this question to a drug counselor many years ago & he answered me by telling me all the things he now had & how miserable his life was by using. He bragged about things like he now counsels celebrities. His avoidance of my real question ultimately led me to believe he wasn't- though it wasn't a conscious awareness on my part at the time.) But are u honestly fulfilled & do u have a zest for life now, more then just not being an addict? Please understand, I'm not being a wiseguy here, just looking for some honest information & maybe hope. Thanx , Harry
also Sammy, looking back, can u see a turning point & did u know it when it happened?
Dog, you know, I could identify with just about everything you said about your thought processes. The rationalizations. The slippery slope. And I can also identify with the self-hatred that follows a period of use, trying to put clean time together again. Wondering why you keep ending up where you said you'd never be again....
I think my last slip started as soon as I started taking the ol' Sudafed. Daily. Then taking those ephedra supplements when I worked out. Then finishing that percocet scrip after I broke my ankle, taking 3-4 at a time, regardless of the pain. Then . . . well, you get the picture. It never starts with "I'm going to start using again." It usually starts with the almost subliminal thought, "This doesn't really count." That's how the mental addiction gains ground with me, little by little.
This time I'm doing something different to try and really attack some of the stinking thinking that has been my downfall in the past. I still go to 12-step meetings, but I'm also seeing a counselor weekly and being totally honest about my past use, my current thinking, the whole ball of wax. Trying to really attack the thinking part. I also researched some of the other accepted treatment methods and took some helpful stuff from them -- applying some of the CBT tools in order to re-wire my brain when it comes to pain pills. I think a lot of this is offered in IOP programs, but I never went through rehab, in-patient or out-patient, so maybe I'm coming late to the table. Anyway, it seems to be helping, fwiw. Maybe I just neded to do something, anything, differently this time....because I too was sick of my own failure. M.
I think my last slip started as soon as I started taking the ol' Sudafed. Daily. Then taking those ephedra supplements when I worked out. Then finishing that percocet scrip after I broke my ankle, taking 3-4 at a time, regardless of the pain. Then . . . well, you get the picture. It never starts with "I'm going to start using again." It usually starts with the almost subliminal thought, "This doesn't really count." That's how the mental addiction gains ground with me, little by little.
This time I'm doing something different to try and really attack some of the stinking thinking that has been my downfall in the past. I still go to 12-step meetings, but I'm also seeing a counselor weekly and being totally honest about my past use, my current thinking, the whole ball of wax. Trying to really attack the thinking part. I also researched some of the other accepted treatment methods and took some helpful stuff from them -- applying some of the CBT tools in order to re-wire my brain when it comes to pain pills. I think a lot of this is offered in IOP programs, but I never went through rehab, in-patient or out-patient, so maybe I'm coming late to the table. Anyway, it seems to be helping, fwiw. Maybe I just neded to do something, anything, differently this time....because I too was sick of my own failure. M.
None, I take Sudafed when I don't have anything else..... sometimes I think my body doesn't know how to live or be happy without some chemical help, so I'll take 2 Sudafed just to feel "something".....
Do you ever truly find happiness when you're clean? I don't know. When I quit taking pain pills a couple of months ago, I started drinking again (not every day, but I would drink when I went to work.... work is definitely a big trigger for me). I quit drinking pretty much when I started on the painkillers because I know it's dangerous to mix Norco w/ alcohol..... We substitute one addiction for another, don't we? It's like my body freaks out at the idea of having to deal w/life with nothing to help me....
I'm going to start training for a 10K run this week, so hopefully I will become addicted to exercise like I once was...
Do you ever truly find happiness when you're clean? I don't know. When I quit taking pain pills a couple of months ago, I started drinking again (not every day, but I would drink when I went to work.... work is definitely a big trigger for me). I quit drinking pretty much when I started on the painkillers because I know it's dangerous to mix Norco w/ alcohol..... We substitute one addiction for another, don't we? It's like my body freaks out at the idea of having to deal w/life with nothing to help me....
I'm going to start training for a 10K run this week, so hopefully I will become addicted to exercise like I once was...
None 4 me: what is CBT, I know what IOP is. i tried intensive outpatient & left after a week. there was some help with one counselor, but the other had no business being there. The other problem with IOP is most people are there because they have go be, for their job, or liscense (medical) or whatever, & it got stupid sometime when this one guy had to say every dey , hi, im x & i'm an addict & he and everyone else, (except maybe the counselors) knew he wasnt. He just got caught at work with a c dirty. i found the experience frustrating.
Danielle: I hear exercise is really good & runners actually end up releasing endorphins & get a pleasant high. I once knew this girl who was almost anti-jogging because her husband was addicted to it. So you better run fast, before they make it illegal & start a war on jogging & have undercover jogging cops & jogging courts and slogans like 'just say no' to help people from starting, & then arresting u for ur own good & tying your legs so u wont relapse.
Seriously, i wish i could be more like u & Danny from Chicago & get into excercise. I take it u guys dont smoke?
Danielle: I hear exercise is really good & runners actually end up releasing endorphins & get a pleasant high. I once knew this girl who was almost anti-jogging because her husband was addicted to it. So you better run fast, before they make it illegal & start a war on jogging & have undercover jogging cops & jogging courts and slogans like 'just say no' to help people from starting, & then arresting u for ur own good & tying your legs so u wont relapse.
Seriously, i wish i could be more like u & Danny from Chicago & get into excercise. I take it u guys dont smoke?
CBT = cognitive behavioral therapy (or tools)
where do u find about CBT
I've never smoked a cigarette in my life..... There was a post on here about that before and I said for me, my parents didn't have a lot of money and I decided in high school that if I only got $5 a week for allowance, then I was going to spend it on something FUN - like Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill or a hit of acid... LOL
So I never started smoking when all of my friends did...
Yes, I've always been really into working out.... My husband doesn't like it because, like with most other things in my life, I do it to excess and got my body fat down to 13% and had a 4 pack on my stomach, but I lost my butt (he believes women should have curves).....
I have gotten that runner's high before... You don't notice it right away, but I go home and I'm talking a mile a minute and all hyper and all..... Still, after taking pain pills, it sucks that you never really get that "natural" high in the same way ever again
So I never started smoking when all of my friends did...
Yes, I've always been really into working out.... My husband doesn't like it because, like with most other things in my life, I do it to excess and got my body fat down to 13% and had a 4 pack on my stomach, but I lost my butt (he believes women should have curves).....
I have gotten that runner's high before... You don't notice it right away, but I go home and I'm talking a mile a minute and all hyper and all..... Still, after taking pain pills, it sucks that you never really get that "natural" high in the same way ever again
Sammy, nice post, good answer. I know NA is part of your recovery, and it seems like u have been clean a while. How long, if i can ask & are you genuinely happy inside. ( I once asked this question to a drug counselor many years ago & he answered me by telling me all the things he now had & how miserable his life was by using. He bragged about things like he now counsels celebrities. His avoidance of my real question ultimately led me to believe he wasn't- though it wasn't a conscious awareness on my part at the time.) But are u honestly fulfilled & do u have a zest for life now, more then just not being an addict? Please understand, I'm not being a wiseguy here, just looking for some honest information & maybe hope. Thanx , Harry
also Sammy, looking back, can u see a turning point & did u know it when it happened?
you old dog - i had to paste your questions above because it's difficult for me to remember all you asked (i also suffer CRS and need to be prompted from time to time *wink, wink*)
yes - 12 steps is a huge part of the recovery program i adhere to. by golly, it proved a workable solution to this addict's problems. i didn't construe your questions as being a wiseguy. i appreciate the opportunity you have given me to talk about something as precious as recovery. my date of sobriety is july 1, 1998, which gives me a little over six years.
as for being "genuinely" happy, i'm as happy as i allow myself to be and i allow myself happiness when i don't use and give back to the still suffering. my list of what i possess today may differ from what you have heard from others, for in my list i talk about the things like, peace of mind, honesty, integrity, a set of morals, compassion and love. these are the things that eluded me in my past because i was to busy looking outside of myself for my answers. i couldn't be still long enough or defog my brain from the drugs or the want of material things to see that everything i needed was within.
as i tried to tell you in my earlier message, there are the occasional days when the balls that life throws my way can upset the proverbial apple cart. i can become angry, carry a resentment, wallow in a bit of self-pity and the poor me's. and you know, that's ok too harry - it's where i need to be at the time. i guess i have walked through and acknowledged those times enough to know that this too shall pass; as long as i don't use and just continue to do the next right thing, i come out of it. there are days when it takes some extra help or nudges from others to do the next right thing - hey, i'm human too. and this is how i have built faith...walking through these questionable times and seeing the outcome, without having to use or resort to some self-defeating attitude, as my solution. no matter what i face, whether feelings of extreme happiness or sorrow, or being in between, they always pass. might as well be clean and sober, in my book, so i don't have another set of problems of my own making to deal with - wouldn't you say?
this last time (1998) when i entered recovery, i sat on my hands a lot, my friend. it was all i could do to put one foot in front of the other, i felt sad and depressed. clearly, my life had become unmanageable - i had lost my job, finances, home, car, up in front of the social services people again regarding custody issues of my children. i didn't have a clue as to who i was or what to do with roller coaster of emotions ride i was taking. the 12-step rooms gave me such a place for solace and a solution. this coupled with IOP, which i stayed in for 18 months, some one on one counseling, and making some changes in my life for the positive, i began to feel a "turning point" at about 6 months. i had done my 5th step and perhaps that was so freeing to confide in the God of my understanding and another person my inventory that this was why i felt like i was so much more in touch with myself. it wasn't too long after this point that i began to entertain thoughts of a new career and went back to college and did a complete switcheroo in that area of my life (that's another story). so as you can see, the process has been slow, but ya know - i welcome it because it's a process i will be going through for the rest of my life.
i can with all my heart tell you that yes, i feel a zest for life today that i wasn't aware of while addicted. and that zest consists of all kinds things, harry...things like when i am alone and can meditate or at work giving my all, or around family and close friends, i don't want to miss anything. i missed out on a lot over the 25 some years that i was addicted with the greatest thing being love. love is what saved this addict's old bones and like happiness, i felt loved when i allowed it.
speaking of work - it's time to give it my all again (no time to edit). one day at a time, my friend, we'll walk through this, just don't use no matter what! thanks so much for letting me share and harry - if anyone hasn't told you they love you today, i do.
namaste'
sammy
also Sammy, looking back, can u see a turning point & did u know it when it happened?
you old dog - i had to paste your questions above because it's difficult for me to remember all you asked (i also suffer CRS and need to be prompted from time to time *wink, wink*)
yes - 12 steps is a huge part of the recovery program i adhere to. by golly, it proved a workable solution to this addict's problems. i didn't construe your questions as being a wiseguy. i appreciate the opportunity you have given me to talk about something as precious as recovery. my date of sobriety is july 1, 1998, which gives me a little over six years.
as for being "genuinely" happy, i'm as happy as i allow myself to be and i allow myself happiness when i don't use and give back to the still suffering. my list of what i possess today may differ from what you have heard from others, for in my list i talk about the things like, peace of mind, honesty, integrity, a set of morals, compassion and love. these are the things that eluded me in my past because i was to busy looking outside of myself for my answers. i couldn't be still long enough or defog my brain from the drugs or the want of material things to see that everything i needed was within.
as i tried to tell you in my earlier message, there are the occasional days when the balls that life throws my way can upset the proverbial apple cart. i can become angry, carry a resentment, wallow in a bit of self-pity and the poor me's. and you know, that's ok too harry - it's where i need to be at the time. i guess i have walked through and acknowledged those times enough to know that this too shall pass; as long as i don't use and just continue to do the next right thing, i come out of it. there are days when it takes some extra help or nudges from others to do the next right thing - hey, i'm human too. and this is how i have built faith...walking through these questionable times and seeing the outcome, without having to use or resort to some self-defeating attitude, as my solution. no matter what i face, whether feelings of extreme happiness or sorrow, or being in between, they always pass. might as well be clean and sober, in my book, so i don't have another set of problems of my own making to deal with - wouldn't you say?
this last time (1998) when i entered recovery, i sat on my hands a lot, my friend. it was all i could do to put one foot in front of the other, i felt sad and depressed. clearly, my life had become unmanageable - i had lost my job, finances, home, car, up in front of the social services people again regarding custody issues of my children. i didn't have a clue as to who i was or what to do with roller coaster of emotions ride i was taking. the 12-step rooms gave me such a place for solace and a solution. this coupled with IOP, which i stayed in for 18 months, some one on one counseling, and making some changes in my life for the positive, i began to feel a "turning point" at about 6 months. i had done my 5th step and perhaps that was so freeing to confide in the God of my understanding and another person my inventory that this was why i felt like i was so much more in touch with myself. it wasn't too long after this point that i began to entertain thoughts of a new career and went back to college and did a complete switcheroo in that area of my life (that's another story). so as you can see, the process has been slow, but ya know - i welcome it because it's a process i will be going through for the rest of my life.
i can with all my heart tell you that yes, i feel a zest for life today that i wasn't aware of while addicted. and that zest consists of all kinds things, harry...things like when i am alone and can meditate or at work giving my all, or around family and close friends, i don't want to miss anything. i missed out on a lot over the 25 some years that i was addicted with the greatest thing being love. love is what saved this addict's old bones and like happiness, i felt loved when i allowed it.
speaking of work - it's time to give it my all again (no time to edit). one day at a time, my friend, we'll walk through this, just don't use no matter what! thanks so much for letting me share and harry - if anyone hasn't told you they love you today, i do.
namaste'
sammy
