Hi all,
Newbie here. I've been lurking and reading for a while and finally decided to make an account.
Long story, kinda short...my partner told me that she wanted a break, completely out of the blue and I was blindsided by it. We have been together for 5 years and were going on 6 in a few months, were engaged and talked about how much we wanted kids and a family in the future all the time, she's actually the one that proposed. She has addiction problems, alcohol mostly then also pain pills which led to her dabbling in heroin for 2 weeks. She stopped after those 2 weeks when her parents realized something was up and she told them everything. She's now in AA and NA and has been sober for about 90 days now. She's been doing her 4th step for a few weeks now and says that it was lead her to make the decision of needing a break and some time. Of course having to sort through this sucks and it feels like my life is over BUT I understand that her recovery needs to come first and that they say it's really hard to be in a relationship while being newly sober and successfully doing the steps.
I joined al-anon and have been reading and visiting different forums as support. Through al-anon, I have realized that I am slightly codependent, learned more about addiction as a disease, that this disease takes over a persons life and hinders their judgement. I also have realized that I have a bad habit of dealing with people and things by just getting angry and holding grudges/building unnecessary resentment because of being the child of an alcoholic parent. I'm hopeful, excited, and scared about getting through my own recovery through al-non...It's just that some days are really really hard to get through cause all I do is think about the bad and revert back to my old ways of dealing with my feelings. I also have this almost crippling fear that she won't come back to me and want to continue our relationship. We've been through a lot together and have loved and supported each other through thick and thin, I honestly can't see myself with anyone else - we just connect on so many levels and it feels so natural.
I'm just looking for some support and some words of encouragement. Facing stuff that you've been ignoring for more than half your life is so incredibly hard.
Hi and welcome here. Sorry to hear about your pain. That is how baffling and patirnt the disease of addiction is. And it leaves us partners so confused and drained asking ourselves why it had to be like this.
I too have so many questions. I go to the meetings as well but during days that there are no mtgs, its so much a struggle..
My addict also suddenly wanted space from me. He told me he wanted to focus on his recovery. Which i cannot fully accept nor understand. I cannot accept it bcos i never was against his recovery prog. I was very supportie.We are engaged too. He said he could not cater to the demands of a relationship ryt now. I never left him and now he leaves me. And its very difficult to move on.. and finally decide to let him go.. and forget this chapter with him.. even when everybody else is telling me to move on. Im just scared but i am praying to get that strength in time. For now im afraid of the uncertainties. Why do i have to experience all the pain? Most of the time i wonder what i did wrong for me to experience this much if a burden.it hurts when people we love deeply abandons us. And tells us that they have nothing to give. Like how can i contest that right? It is a disease. But sincr he has been with his recovery program for more than a year attending his meetings daily, there should already be a choice aspect right there.. right!?!? If you wanna chat let me know. Let me know where we can chat and where. It is therpeutic to talk ppl who are going through the same thing. wish you well.
I too have so many questions. I go to the meetings as well but during days that there are no mtgs, its so much a struggle..
My addict also suddenly wanted space from me. He told me he wanted to focus on his recovery. Which i cannot fully accept nor understand. I cannot accept it bcos i never was against his recovery prog. I was very supportie.We are engaged too. He said he could not cater to the demands of a relationship ryt now. I never left him and now he leaves me. And its very difficult to move on.. and finally decide to let him go.. and forget this chapter with him.. even when everybody else is telling me to move on. Im just scared but i am praying to get that strength in time. For now im afraid of the uncertainties. Why do i have to experience all the pain? Most of the time i wonder what i did wrong for me to experience this much if a burden.it hurts when people we love deeply abandons us. And tells us that they have nothing to give. Like how can i contest that right? It is a disease. But sincr he has been with his recovery program for more than a year attending his meetings daily, there should already be a choice aspect right there.. right!?!? If you wanna chat let me know. Let me know where we can chat and where. It is therpeutic to talk ppl who are going through the same thing. wish you well.
How long can we stand being manipulated by them?
We should chat some more because it sounds like we are both in the exact same kind of situation.
I honestly think that the part that is so hard for either of us to be capable to fully understand the situation and make peace with it and focus on ourselves is that fact that we as partners, NEVER left them and stopped supporting them, but they chose to leave us. Through everything, the good and the bad...the real bad, the manipulation, and the lying - we stayed. We saw something good in them that made us fell in love, the sober moments and the happy moments that made us fall in love - we saw those things, had those feelings, and made a genuine connection that we thought would be forever. And in our minds, these are the people that we know underneath the addiction and we fell head over in heels without a doubt and without a question in love with them. First it feels like they chose their addiction over us then it feels like they chose recovery over us. That is how it feels at first and we can't help that. BUT I will say, that doing some reading here on different forums, going to al-anon chats, and incorporating more face to face meetings into my life that Al-Anon has helped me to see that if we ever want a fair and true shot with that person that we fell in love with under the addiction that they need to do everything in their power to stay sober and focus on getting better. They have to put their recovery first because it is a life or death situation for most people and it's the only way for them to give their all to the steps and walk down that path of discovery by themselves.
All in all, the situation that we both are going through is HORRIBLE but need to learn how to take the good from this and spend time bettering ourselves because we have no control over other people, places, our things. The trust and faith must be given to the HP, we can't play god in our lives anymore if we want to come out the other side better individuals.
I honestly think that the part that is so hard for either of us to be capable to fully understand the situation and make peace with it and focus on ourselves is that fact that we as partners, NEVER left them and stopped supporting them, but they chose to leave us. Through everything, the good and the bad...the real bad, the manipulation, and the lying - we stayed. We saw something good in them that made us fell in love, the sober moments and the happy moments that made us fall in love - we saw those things, had those feelings, and made a genuine connection that we thought would be forever. And in our minds, these are the people that we know underneath the addiction and we fell head over in heels without a doubt and without a question in love with them. First it feels like they chose their addiction over us then it feels like they chose recovery over us. That is how it feels at first and we can't help that. BUT I will say, that doing some reading here on different forums, going to al-anon chats, and incorporating more face to face meetings into my life that Al-Anon has helped me to see that if we ever want a fair and true shot with that person that we fell in love with under the addiction that they need to do everything in their power to stay sober and focus on getting better. They have to put their recovery first because it is a life or death situation for most people and it's the only way for them to give their all to the steps and walk down that path of discovery by themselves.
All in all, the situation that we both are going through is HORRIBLE but need to learn how to take the good from this and spend time bettering ourselves because we have no control over other people, places, our things. The trust and faith must be given to the HP, we can't play god in our lives anymore if we want to come out the other side better individuals.
My boyfriend had been abusing Fentanyl patches, opiates, and heroin starting in 2005. When we met I did not have a clue about drug addiction but caught on quick! He wanted to start Suboxone and I paid for it, unfortunately the Psych's out there that have that special license to prescribe it are taking advantage of addicts and their families for as much as $250 per monthly visit and prior to 2010 Suboxone pills were around $5 per pill in Ky was the cheapest and I checked EVERYwhere in Ky and Ohio. I spent thousands and thousands of dollars on this stuff and it is supposed to make you sick from the naloxone in it if you do opiates or Herion, ya well that is a crock. He has figured out a way around that and that was early in the game. He is from a family of addicts that started by doing their mother's Oxycotin pain pills. We had to move to the other side of town because he keep using with his mother and brothers despite Suboxone. He has been on it sine 2007. His job's ins. pays for his script now but unfortunately his mother moved close to us and the "get pills from mom" cycle has started all over again. She is a very bad person. She has her other son Mailing pills to her from KY. She failed a drug test at her doctor's office and they cut her pain meds off, Thank God because she just abuses them, I know, I am a nurse. However I think my boyfriend purchases pain pills for her now off the street, of course, via her $$ plus she takes him too. I have drug tested him many times also to rule out heroin usage but it's those drug tests with the double lines that appear for neg and single line for positive. Well I know that despite the faint faint faint second line that pops up after a trip to mamas house is not an indictation of a neg. result but Google vendictated him saying that it is a neg. result. Of course an addict will do and say anything to cover up and not get caught but this is ridiculous. I know from Years of experience how he acts when he is high and test or no test I know he is guilty of using.
