Im new here and feeling super lost at the moment. Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, we moved in together a year ago in September. 47 days ago he admitted that he had been using opiates for the last 6 months, and since he has been clean, he has been attending meetings and has a sponsor. For the last 3 years I've been to hell and back with him, it has been really difficult and has taken a toll on me emotionally and mentally. Before I met him he was addicted to pain pills and was about 7 months clean when he met me or so he said, either way we both jumped into the relationship and it was amazing, hes amazing. After about 3 months I caught him with a straw that was just used to snort his crushed pill. I don't do drugs never have and I have a beer occasionally, I had lost my first love 7 years earlier due to heroin which then lead to his suicide. So finding out he had done that crushed me and angered me to no other, 3 months in I loved him, my best friend. He promised he wouldn't do it again bla bla bla 3 years later, many multiple lies and manipulations was my everyday life.
After 6 months together he decided to go back to school and get his master which I supported him bettering himself though I wanted to move across the country. His car broke down and i drove him everywhere, for 2 years, to school to work everywhere, he never had a job, hes a musician so he got money from gigs but they werent steady. We moved in together and he had money saved to make it through the winter months, we got through two months and he had no money and I was let go of from my job, I worked and took care of everything, all the bills and driving, one paycheck didnt even cover rent. All he did was lie to me and manipulate, took everything i did for granted, showed no appreciation. We would fight and it got really ugly, and as you probably know the times we fought had to do with his drug addiction that he swore wasnt going on. I hit him, yelled, pleaded, cried, spoke calmly, no matter what i did nothing worked, i kicked out still didn't do anything.
So we came home from a wedding and he wasnt right, he couldnt get comfortable, went from the bed to the couch, shower. At some point in the middle of the night i woke up and told him i knew he was going through withdrawal, and that he needed help, and that i couldnt let him compromise me or himself anymore, that i loved him but he needed to make a change. He woke up the next morning and contacted his father to pick him up from our apartment.So for the last 47 days he has been living with his parents, and i want him to come home. His parents and i dont get along, they hate me actually. They've been nothing but mean to me from the beginning. I want him to come home to me, because his parents have a lot of issues themselves, his mother has fibromyalgia, and pops pain pills, sleeping pills all sorts of things, drinks on top of them and becomes a mess, his father is obssesed with him, we are both 27 years old, and his father has enabled him his whole life, wants control over his son at all times, will call him 10 times in a day. Its hard to explain through typing but its bad. You might think his father is this way because of my bf drug addiction but this started way before. Ever since he has been home his parents give him more of a tough time about our relationship than my bfs drug addiction. I feel as if they do more harm then good. They treat him like child, they emasculate him telling him he can't pay car insurance or he can't work and do school at the same time, he does something they dont like, he gets manipulated into thinking he a bad person, he gets told from his parent that he doesnt love them. Us moving out together to them was that he didnt love them, he is always being made to feel guilty. I know he feels like he fails everyone, that he can never make his own decisions and he never feels like a man. That the only thing he had control over was the drugs. Ive tried to be the positive light in his life, telling him he is a good person, smart and he can do whatever he puts his mind to. He really is a good person, sees the best in everyone, kind, caring, compassionate, helpful, loving. My mom told me you love the person but hate the addict. Im gonna say thats about right. I hate his other half, he was mean, selfish, careless, lied and manipulative.
He has been gone for 47 days now, and its been really rough. This was not the life I wanted, I put so much of my life on hold. I sit in our very small apartment by myself every night and wonder how my life got like this, ive given so much of myself, i feel like a shell of myself. Im so depressed. Ive gone to meetings with him, he bought me a book on how to cope being a loved one, Im so proud of him, im so happy that he is finally getting clean, thats all ive ever wanted, his life means everything to me. But i feel as i was a lesson learned for him, a time in his life he has to learn from and move on. He tells me he loves me more than anything, and that im the only thing that makes him happy, that he wants forever from me, and i know that to be true, but i just have this terrible feeling like hes never coming back, and then i think why do i want him back after everything he has put me through. I was trying to tell him how i felt earlier today about how i think that maybe we should part so he can focus on himself and so i dont have to wait thinking he is going to come home when he isnt. He got irritated with me and left. I cant help but want to be selfish because in the last 3 years its been all about him. I want for something to be about me. Im so lost, there are times at night where i dont want to be alive anymore. I dont want to feel the way i do. When did i stop loving myself? When did i stop believing in myself? I really dont have anyone to talk to.
FYI, Im a girl named logan, not a boy
Hi Logan, I had to answer your post as I see no one has come across it yet. Someone will and I hope it will be "Constantine". He will tell you straight what you need to do about your situation! But for now look at the posts where you see his name and read what he has to say. It will help you decide what to do. I would tell you as hard as it is to hear that you should move on. Nothing is going to change. This will be your life because most of the time they will always love the drugs more than you, even more than their children. You'll always take second place to his drug. You can't gamble with it because the drugs will win every time. I don't think they want it to be like that but it's how it will be. They can't help themselves, their addicted! My daughter has been on and off drugs for 17 yrs. She is in the methadone program which somewhat helps but she will still have her drug binges. Don't waste your years away waiting on him to change because by then when you finally realize you should have walked away years ago....it will be too late and you'll be too old. Don't waste your youth on this guy. Move on while you can. Good luck Logan. Mary.
Hi! I am in a similar situation. (I just posted an open letter to my addict fianc) it's 230am and I'm in my bed crying over him. He was so nice and then became addicted to pain pills and my life has become complete hell. I had a career and everything going for me and gave it all up for him. We have been apart all summer for work but I know he has been using. I can't wait to see him again but at the same time I don't know how much more I can take. we don't have any kids yet either and I feel like that really impacts my decision. I don't know if you want kids, but I can't help but think i can't bring another life into this mess. It sucks so bad that they can love something so much more than us when all we do is give them everything we can. But even reading your post made me realize how much I need to end it. And I know I probably won't because I know how hard it is... But it isn't fair to us. Like you said it's all about THEM. We are never taken care of and no girl or boy deserves that. I pray that you have the strength to do what is right for yourself... I pray that for all of us on here. Just try to stay strong and remember you are a wonderful person with a purpose and you are not alone in this!
Logan, you have come to the right place for support. Read the other postings, and yes, Constantine has been an incredible help to me and obvious others. I will pray for you. I can feel your heartache but stay strong for yourself. It's extremely difficult but you will get through this! Keep posting
I didn't need "support" when I crashed. I needed strength and direction.
I find that strength and direction by following The 12 Steps and the encouragement of the good oldtimers in AA, NA, Al-Anon and Nar-Anon.
Good luck.
Bob R
I find that strength and direction by following The 12 Steps and the encouragement of the good oldtimers in AA, NA, Al-Anon and Nar-Anon.
Good luck.
Bob R
I'm not a meth addict. .just a simple junkie...heroin my poison...don't know your men's history. ..we're they using before ? How long ? Have they been in and out of detoxs ? If they've got a history with drugs don't expect it to change now..no matter what they say...we're addicts for life and it takes constant vigilance...it's not going to end...we don't "move on" after we get some clean time...we struggle sometimes every day...support comes from NA...sponsors...other addicts...you personally can do only one thing...disconnect from their using...and stop engaging ....enabling...and trying to fix us...that's not up to you. .it's up to us and you can't understand. ..don't try...dude gone for 47 days is on a run most likely. ..he's gone deep into the life..and believe me. .with or without kids you don't want him home right now...detox...rehab...meetings and NA....with a deep want for clean time is the only fix...don't wait for us...
At 27 years old you have a lot of life left. Picture how you want to live your life and do that.
I know someone who had stayed with a man who was an alcoholic for 15 years. never married. did not have children. She waited for this man to marry her. He left her and married someone else. She was devastated. It took her several years to get over it. by then she was too old to have kids and was not interested in meeting someone else.
You have a few choices. 1. leave him and build your own life or 2. stay and wait for him -- and build your own life that does not revolve around his life. His life when he is using, will always bring you down.
From a bird's eye view, If you decide to stay with him you should always maintain your own apartment. do not live together because you need to detach when he is using. He needs to take care of himself and you need to take care of yourself.
My son is an addict who used to be sweet and good. the problem is that he can not take care of himself financially. this has impacted myself and his dad to the point where it was like he was buying drugs with his paycheck and we were supplementing for food etc.
As time went on we figured out what was going on.
The point is that he can not come home to live because there is no line between him and us and we would get sucked back into all of the problems again.
It is just makes life sad.
I know someone who had stayed with a man who was an alcoholic for 15 years. never married. did not have children. She waited for this man to marry her. He left her and married someone else. She was devastated. It took her several years to get over it. by then she was too old to have kids and was not interested in meeting someone else.
You have a few choices. 1. leave him and build your own life or 2. stay and wait for him -- and build your own life that does not revolve around his life. His life when he is using, will always bring you down.
From a bird's eye view, If you decide to stay with him you should always maintain your own apartment. do not live together because you need to detach when he is using. He needs to take care of himself and you need to take care of yourself.
My son is an addict who used to be sweet and good. the problem is that he can not take care of himself financially. this has impacted myself and his dad to the point where it was like he was buying drugs with his paycheck and we were supplementing for food etc.
As time went on we figured out what was going on.
The point is that he can not come home to live because there is no line between him and us and we would get sucked back into all of the problems again.
It is just makes life sad.
Constantine
He's been living with his parents for the last 47 days, I know he is getting better, and for the first true time i can tell who I'm interacting with, and so far its been the clean Kyle, he is very dedicated to his meetings and his sponsor, right now that's the only thing that matters to him. In the last 47 days he went from weighting about 145 to 162, the physical change that I have seen is such a huge comparison. I will be honest he has manipulated and lied to me for 3 years, and for the first time i believe him that he doesnt want to go back, and i trust him a little more now than ever. The first time he got clean his parents put him on the couch made him detox and then just watched his every move, they didnt let him go out, wouldnt let him work, took control of every aspect of his life (they were like this before all this happened but got worse after they found out he was using) He finally told me the first time he went through this it wasnt his choice, he didnt want to stop, and that he didnt go back immidetaly, it started months later a friend asking him if he wanted some blow, he said he woke up the next morning feeling fine and thought maybe i dont have an issue, when he would get stressed he said it was easier to just buy a sub, he would convince himself that atleast he wasnt using a pill, then it was he couldnt focus on his master so he started buying adderal. I didnt know he was using opiates again until he told me he needed to go to rehab. Which he couldnt go because he didnt have insurance and his parents dont have the money. So instead he lives with his parents and attends meetings everyday, speaks with his sponsor every morning, sometimes he goes to two meetings a day. These are his decisions to get clean, and I feel it in my heart that he will stay sober. I just dont know what happens to me, ive been put through the ringer, ive put up with so much s***. I'm pissed off, that while he works on himself and learning to figure out life without drugs, im still sitting here trying to figure out how the hell i pick myself up after everything we/he has put me through, who is here to help me? and i know i have to help myself, but its hard. im alone all the time besides work. Im angry that he isnt home and we arent working through this together, i feel that if we are meant/want to be together for the rest of our lives then why isnt he home doing this with me, why his parents who really at the end of the day just want to control their son in every aspect. Im depressed, and im sick of hearing about what steps he is taking forward to be a better person, for himself and our future. I have read a lot that during recovery he really has to focus on himself and make himself a priority or he wont make it through recovery, and all i think about when i hear that is, great okay so you get to continue to be selfish. He still gets to be selfish even now that he is clean. I feel like i mean very little to him, even though i know i mean everything to him.
He's been living with his parents for the last 47 days, I know he is getting better, and for the first true time i can tell who I'm interacting with, and so far its been the clean Kyle, he is very dedicated to his meetings and his sponsor, right now that's the only thing that matters to him. In the last 47 days he went from weighting about 145 to 162, the physical change that I have seen is such a huge comparison. I will be honest he has manipulated and lied to me for 3 years, and for the first time i believe him that he doesnt want to go back, and i trust him a little more now than ever. The first time he got clean his parents put him on the couch made him detox and then just watched his every move, they didnt let him go out, wouldnt let him work, took control of every aspect of his life (they were like this before all this happened but got worse after they found out he was using) He finally told me the first time he went through this it wasnt his choice, he didnt want to stop, and that he didnt go back immidetaly, it started months later a friend asking him if he wanted some blow, he said he woke up the next morning feeling fine and thought maybe i dont have an issue, when he would get stressed he said it was easier to just buy a sub, he would convince himself that atleast he wasnt using a pill, then it was he couldnt focus on his master so he started buying adderal. I didnt know he was using opiates again until he told me he needed to go to rehab. Which he couldnt go because he didnt have insurance and his parents dont have the money. So instead he lives with his parents and attends meetings everyday, speaks with his sponsor every morning, sometimes he goes to two meetings a day. These are his decisions to get clean, and I feel it in my heart that he will stay sober. I just dont know what happens to me, ive been put through the ringer, ive put up with so much s***. I'm pissed off, that while he works on himself and learning to figure out life without drugs, im still sitting here trying to figure out how the hell i pick myself up after everything we/he has put me through, who is here to help me? and i know i have to help myself, but its hard. im alone all the time besides work. Im angry that he isnt home and we arent working through this together, i feel that if we are meant/want to be together for the rest of our lives then why isnt he home doing this with me, why his parents who really at the end of the day just want to control their son in every aspect. Im depressed, and im sick of hearing about what steps he is taking forward to be a better person, for himself and our future. I have read a lot that during recovery he really has to focus on himself and make himself a priority or he wont make it through recovery, and all i think about when i hear that is, great okay so you get to continue to be selfish. He still gets to be selfish even now that he is clean. I feel like i mean very little to him, even though i know i mean everything to him.
Ahh Logan
Drugs are a selfish God...we can even use recovery as an excuse to avoid crap...I don't know about the living with the parents thing...this might be an issue between you that has nothing to do with the dope...course dope can make all kinds of relationship issues worse...and if he feels there is less stress and responsibility...less chance he has to deal with himself there...then that's where he will go .. he may know he can get away with more there. ..recovery can be tricky...clarity gradual...it would have been much better for him to have had the chance to do this alone somewhere without family and loved ones...but..it is what it is...personally. .I would try to disconnect from the whole thing until he's got a good amount of clean time in ..don't set yourself up...don't get sucked in to the circle...disengage...no encouragement. ..no expectations. ..no discouragment...live your life...go about your day...his using...relapses..and.recovery has to be solely up to him...no one can do it for him...the more you all involve yourselves in any part of it...the harder it is...
Drugs are a selfish God...we can even use recovery as an excuse to avoid crap...I don't know about the living with the parents thing...this might be an issue between you that has nothing to do with the dope...course dope can make all kinds of relationship issues worse...and if he feels there is less stress and responsibility...less chance he has to deal with himself there...then that's where he will go .. he may know he can get away with more there. ..recovery can be tricky...clarity gradual...it would have been much better for him to have had the chance to do this alone somewhere without family and loved ones...but..it is what it is...personally. .I would try to disconnect from the whole thing until he's got a good amount of clean time in ..don't set yourself up...don't get sucked in to the circle...disengage...no encouragement. ..no expectations. ..no discouragment...live your life...go about your day...his using...relapses..and.recovery has to be solely up to him...no one can do it for him...the more you all involve yourselves in any part of it...the harder it is...
logan:
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon would help you sort yourself out too.
Trust me, if you find yourself in company with addicts/alcoholics (and choose to stay) you have issues too.
All the best.
Bob R
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon would help you sort yourself out too.
Trust me, if you find yourself in company with addicts/alcoholics (and choose to stay) you have issues too.
All the best.
Bob R
