I am a 49 year old man who has been into the gear longer than not. I was on methadone for 20 yrs. recently I did a detox for 4 weeks, clean for 2 weeks and then relapsed. Right now I've got some great support from my doctor, meds and family and I'm trying to get through the next 2 weeks. It seems like many of you have done this.
Goodison blues for ever
Alright Goodison? Welcome to the boards. It's good to see you posting, well done on getting off the meth, it must have been hard. Try and get through today, then worry about tomorrow tomorrow, i know it's hard when you've got so many thoughts in your head.
It's good that you've got a good support network around you, that is one of the reasons why i'm clean today, good people around me. That, desperation, determination and a bit of knowledge got me through the hard parts of my recovery...and the good pasrts...all parts in fact.
What's your prediction for tonight? Man City havent been too good recently, well apart from the win at chelsea....
It's good that you've got a good support network around you, that is one of the reasons why i'm clean today, good people around me. That, desperation, determination and a bit of knowledge got me through the hard parts of my recovery...and the good pasrts...all parts in fact.
What's your prediction for tonight? Man City havent been too good recently, well apart from the win at chelsea....
Dee4life
Thanks for reply.
Going to try to take it one day at a time, every day that I get through is a day towards normal life. How long have you been clean? How long did it take you?
Thoughts in my head the usual ones about how easy it would be to relapse are killing me. So far we are winning 1 - 0 hopefully it will be a good end.
Hoping to talk to people on the board. Wish I was stronger.
Thank you for replying well done yourself on getting clean.
Who do you support?
Thanks for reply.
Going to try to take it one day at a time, every day that I get through is a day towards normal life. How long have you been clean? How long did it take you?
Thoughts in my head the usual ones about how easy it would be to relapse are killing me. So far we are winning 1 - 0 hopefully it will be a good end.
Hoping to talk to people on the board. Wish I was stronger.
Thank you for replying well done yourself on getting clean.
Who do you support?
Hi Goodison and welcome to the boards! Good to see another newbie. :) I'm only one week into trying to get clean for the second time and am on 12mg of Suboxone a day.
Keep hanging in there and around here too, as you'll get lots of support from the boards.
Rachel :)
Keep hanging in there and around here too, as you'll get lots of support from the boards.
Rachel :)
Hi Goodison
Welcome to this sight and good luck on you recovery
I to am new to this sight not as new as you but there is always a first step.
I have been clean just over 2 months and on this sight just a few weeks, and believe me when I say you will find great support hear there are some great people here.
So about the voices that is so normal for me I am addicted to herion, crack, meth, mandrax and so on, and yes giving up does seem like the easy way out of your situation but if you do what you did you get what you got.
And for me even after 2 months I still fell like I can't do it or feel like giving up I still don't feel good and still vomit a few times a day but I have to do this because I have two boys that I have not seen in 3 years and was on the border line of going to prison and I got a rude awakaning for me and were my life was going.
GOOD LUCK HANG IN THERE
Cheers Jadene
Welcome to this sight and good luck on you recovery
I to am new to this sight not as new as you but there is always a first step.
I have been clean just over 2 months and on this sight just a few weeks, and believe me when I say you will find great support hear there are some great people here.
So about the voices that is so normal for me I am addicted to herion, crack, meth, mandrax and so on, and yes giving up does seem like the easy way out of your situation but if you do what you did you get what you got.
And for me even after 2 months I still fell like I can't do it or feel like giving up I still don't feel good and still vomit a few times a day but I have to do this because I have two boys that I have not seen in 3 years and was on the border line of going to prison and I got a rude awakaning for me and were my life was going.
GOOD LUCK HANG IN THERE
Cheers Jadene
..Goodison..
..This is an excellent site if your looking for extra support than you already have..must of been a hard slog getting off the methadone after being on it for that length of time but ya done well..if you can put that amount of effort into coming of gear as you did coming off methadone you'll be on the right tracks to getting clean off gear altogether..good luck..Blue..
..This is an excellent site if your looking for extra support than you already have..must of been a hard slog getting off the methadone after being on it for that length of time but ya done well..if you can put that amount of effort into coming of gear as you did coming off methadone you'll be on the right tracks to getting clean off gear altogether..good luck..Blue..
Goodison is my man many of you have heard me talk of him.
He isn't blanking you all. But he's in that awful dark place of wanting to but relapsing over and over. It's a bit life or death at the moment if he goes down the life path he'll be back, thanking you for your support.
k x
He isn't blanking you all. But he's in that awful dark place of wanting to but relapsing over and over. It's a bit life or death at the moment if he goes down the life path he'll be back, thanking you for your support.
k x
Hi Goodison,
welcome to the boards and well done on being clean for that two weeks. It must be very hard to let go of something that has been part of your life for so long. You've always has that escape and it must be very scary to leave it behind. It sounds like you have a lot of determination to get so far with breaking the physical addiction but i think the hardest part is going to be getting rid of the mental attachment to something you have relied on so much for so many years.
I have just lost my bf/fiance of four years to a heroin overdose and i know that for him, the guilt and shame of things he had done, the life and career he had lost due to his addiction and the mental pain he was in led him back down the path he had struggled against for so long. It didn't matter how much myself and his family told him that it was all in the past and the best way he could make things up was to just be clean and happy, he couldn't forgive himself.
What is it that makes you go back each time? What triggers do you have?
Stay strong, you deserve a happy, peaceful life. Keep trying and hopefully those relapses will get further apart and the good habit of staying clean will start to feel more normal and easier to maintain.
Sending you lots of love xxxxxxxx
welcome to the boards and well done on being clean for that two weeks. It must be very hard to let go of something that has been part of your life for so long. You've always has that escape and it must be very scary to leave it behind. It sounds like you have a lot of determination to get so far with breaking the physical addiction but i think the hardest part is going to be getting rid of the mental attachment to something you have relied on so much for so many years.
I have just lost my bf/fiance of four years to a heroin overdose and i know that for him, the guilt and shame of things he had done, the life and career he had lost due to his addiction and the mental pain he was in led him back down the path he had struggled against for so long. It didn't matter how much myself and his family told him that it was all in the past and the best way he could make things up was to just be clean and happy, he couldn't forgive himself.
What is it that makes you go back each time? What triggers do you have?
Stay strong, you deserve a happy, peaceful life. Keep trying and hopefully those relapses will get further apart and the good habit of staying clean will start to feel more normal and easier to maintain.
Sending you lots of love xxxxxxxx
Hi Goddison.
Welcome to the heroin board. Jazwan who has spoken about you at length says that you are in a "life and death" struggle. As someone who is having to do battle on a daily basis with the same said demon you have my heartfelt best wishes for your success and many prayers for your good health and safety.
With Jaz there rooting for you and support you, you have a better chance of getting clean,but more importantly staying clean (which let's face it is the real challenge).
Take care,both you guys k.
Reshie.
Welcome to the heroin board. Jazwan who has spoken about you at length says that you are in a "life and death" struggle. As someone who is having to do battle on a daily basis with the same said demon you have my heartfelt best wishes for your success and many prayers for your good health and safety.
With Jaz there rooting for you and support you, you have a better chance of getting clean,but more importantly staying clean (which let's face it is the real challenge).
Take care,both you guys k.
Reshie.
Goodison
Welcome.
Its a rare thing when I see another poster who has been on methadone for as long as I have.- - Some people dont get it- -and I really dont blame them.- Way back in those days ,there was no such thing a bupe or subbies > it was Methadone.
In fact after a long felonious career , a judge in NYC recommended that I find a MM center before I found myself making license plates Up-State. Under those old Rockerfeller laws it was a very real possibility.
Now many years have passed- I gotta sat the first few were very tough. I contd to use dope while on my mdone. (sure,it blocks the effects- -but if you stay on a low dose, and the heroin is good, your going to get what your looking for.
--but--What was it that I was really looking for???
Whatever happened- I dont remember what it was ,but one day I said thats it-
Maybe it was a dull set, maybe a lousy bag, maybe another escape from the cops running thru the subways, -- I really dont know...but I knew that I couldnt take it anymore..and if I had to be medically assisted -so be it.- So >>>>
I started to just take my dose- which went up .so it would definitely block the heroin high.-- Ive been on or close to 100 Mg's for 20 plus yrs.
I got my family back- although years of trust and guilt had to be worked on with my head doc for years. I got my son back & raised him myself. He is now 23.
His mother is an alcoholic who he sees once in awhile during holidays. My parents raised him ,while I couldnt -and for that I am forever grateful.-also forever guilty.
We know getting clean is not easy, we know staying clean is even harder.- but sometimes we forget ,that being a heroin addict is the hardest job you'll ever have.- - All that work and no reward except pain & misery
muchrespect
jack
Welcome.
Its a rare thing when I see another poster who has been on methadone for as long as I have.- - Some people dont get it- -and I really dont blame them.- Way back in those days ,there was no such thing a bupe or subbies > it was Methadone.
In fact after a long felonious career , a judge in NYC recommended that I find a MM center before I found myself making license plates Up-State. Under those old Rockerfeller laws it was a very real possibility.
Now many years have passed- I gotta sat the first few were very tough. I contd to use dope while on my mdone. (sure,it blocks the effects- -but if you stay on a low dose, and the heroin is good, your going to get what your looking for.
--but--What was it that I was really looking for???
Whatever happened- I dont remember what it was ,but one day I said thats it-
Maybe it was a dull set, maybe a lousy bag, maybe another escape from the cops running thru the subways, -- I really dont know...but I knew that I couldnt take it anymore..and if I had to be medically assisted -so be it.- So >>>>
I started to just take my dose- which went up .so it would definitely block the heroin high.-- Ive been on or close to 100 Mg's for 20 plus yrs.
I got my family back- although years of trust and guilt had to be worked on with my head doc for years. I got my son back & raised him myself. He is now 23.
His mother is an alcoholic who he sees once in awhile during holidays. My parents raised him ,while I couldnt -and for that I am forever grateful.-also forever guilty.
We know getting clean is not easy, we know staying clean is even harder.- but sometimes we forget ,that being a heroin addict is the hardest job you'll ever have.- - All that work and no reward except pain & misery
muchrespect
jack
Goodison here,i'll keep this short and sweet.First thanks for all your support and reply's.I'm sure we all have horror stories each more terrible than the last,so i wont bore you with mine for the moment.I would just like to say that it really does help knowing there are other people suffering but still managing to stay positive.
i would just like to finish by saying without my partner and various other people to numerous to mention i would have given up by now. good luck to you all goodison
'
i would just like to finish by saying without my partner and various other people to numerous to mention i would have given up by now. good luck to you all goodison
'
Goodison,
Glad to see you here.
O.K. I'm the chick in love with your woman.
HAHA
Also I'm the person told her to bring you in a coloring book to detox.
Come on now is that mad or what?
In all sincereity it truly is good to have you with us. You can do this thing. Yes, you can. That was a tough row ya went through. We all have the faith.
The dark hole stinks. The worse. No sleep. Makes a person a lunatic. Still to say you got clean. That is HUGE! The relapses? I like to call them lapses. That way you can get back to sit ups. We've all been praying for you and thinking of you. That's a heck of a partner you have there.
Glad to see you here.
O.K. I'm the chick in love with your woman.
HAHA
Also I'm the person told her to bring you in a coloring book to detox.
Come on now is that mad or what?
In all sincereity it truly is good to have you with us. You can do this thing. Yes, you can. That was a tough row ya went through. We all have the faith.
The dark hole stinks. The worse. No sleep. Makes a person a lunatic. Still to say you got clean. That is HUGE! The relapses? I like to call them lapses. That way you can get back to sit ups. We've all been praying for you and thinking of you. That's a heck of a partner you have there.
I thought I was the one who said coloring book...coulda sworn that was me...are we having an identity crisis now, Bryn? Twin sisters of different mothers? (Roundabout and obscure musical reference if you can figure it out) Sometimes you get hurt and I say "Ouch!"...that's how it is with us
Goodison...sometimes you get hurt and Jaz says "Ouch!".
We love that girl...and we can love you, too.
Peace ~ MomNMore (Mom of a recovering H addict)
Goodison...sometimes you get hurt and Jaz says "Ouch!".
We love that girl...and we can love you, too.
Peace ~ MomNMore (Mom of a recovering H addict)
Alright everyone, still a bit of a novice not only at computers but even more so at opening myself up.I just want to thank my partner who still keeps the light shining.I'm an Evertonian so there's a reason if ever there was one for being on the gear.I know its not really a subject for humour but personally speaking I need to laugh.The gear has caused me and yourselves I don't doubt much upset and unhappiness,but I guess as long as we don't give up theres always a chance.Anyway got to go in the middle of paintstriping one of life's many joys.
Many good wishes,p.s.anybody got any info or opinions on needle fixation let us know.goodison
Many good wishes,p.s.anybody got any info or opinions on needle fixation let us know.goodison
What is an Evertonian ?? Doesnt have something to do with English football??
We is the US dont get all these british terms all the time- - Were just dopey Americans. ya know - -lol- - I dont even know if its a British thing, but I think it is-??
BTW-
I think the needle fixation is just as addicting as dope sometimes. I used to draw from used up cotton (knowing there wasnt enuff dope stuck in there to help the sickness) -but once I got it ,I tried to convince myself I felt better.
My cousin shot cold water a few times just to use the set, yeah its a very sick disease -this addiction.
jack
We is the US dont get all these british terms all the time- - Were just dopey Americans. ya know - -lol- - I dont even know if its a British thing, but I think it is-??
BTW-
I think the needle fixation is just as addicting as dope sometimes. I used to draw from used up cotton (knowing there wasnt enuff dope stuck in there to help the sickness) -but once I got it ,I tried to convince myself I felt better.
My cousin shot cold water a few times just to use the set, yeah its a very sick disease -this addiction.
jack
Um, needle fixation? That's me. 'Nuff said.
Evertonian = supporter of Everton Football club (the 'blue' half of Liverpool,the 'red' half support Liverpool FC).
Needle fixation: I think it is almost an addiction in itself. No idea how to overcome it.
Will leave it there lest I get accused of "spinning a yarn"
Needle fixation: I think it is almost an addiction in itself. No idea how to overcome it.
Will leave it there lest I get accused of "spinning a yarn"
I'd like to know your opinions, Reshie. Could you please email me at castlerache@hotmail.com? Cheers :)
Thinking out loud...
I always want to ask why the need for pain, I equate the addiction with the needle as something to do with a deserving of the pain, even see it, but maybe that is because of what was shared by a friend of a need for the pain as well, to feel alive
Damn one hell of a way to feel alive. But then over the years I remove the horror of omg a needle, I see method for some, so much more for othersand then not unlike other rituals that can come into to any addiction, always driven solely by who one is
And it is strange and please bare with me but I would watch my husband literally cringe getting one...and the kids getting shots or getting blood taken and he would leave the room blushing green.
And it never really made sense to me, because I knew he used heroin among other things by needle...and when heroin rolled back around, with them pills and mostly what I see as a something, anything to fix his head I was told run if I pick the needle up again.
I should have asked why he said that, but I wont now, it will remain one of lifes stranger points. He must had the needle set in his head as something of a horror as well, maybe an end he never thought he could get through
He did pick that needle back up, looking at that in now I cant assign it as a bad thing. My view is one has to run it out their way, whatever that is and dispel their thinking, their own denial, and find their way. He ran it out his way, sometimes repeating the same action over and over, falling back down, but he did try again, a bit of shifting in the thinking surely help him justify at times for the good and or deemed bad, but it does seem anyway from the outside looking in that even he proved to himself this really wasnt doing it anymore, hell that no drug will
He also had a thing with copping, the more danger involved, well there he was. That one made more sense, and he talked of it, and yeah with some arrogance of getting away, but always with such excitement but then
I might have enjoyed a bit to much the look in his eyes when he spoke of gunpoint, and going back cause the bags were beat to do that really don't f*ck with me and I said well why the need to die
Could it come back to that he never thought he would make it this far, that he would be dead by 40 And for years before I really knew wth was going on that was said ... he didn't plan to get this far and was stuck in that well what do I do now.not a good question to ask me, cause I kept answering live, just live
I wonder if flipping it around, with one having to look within themselves what might be found in terms of why the needle haunts....
Everyone take good care...
Love,
Tina
I always want to ask why the need for pain, I equate the addiction with the needle as something to do with a deserving of the pain, even see it, but maybe that is because of what was shared by a friend of a need for the pain as well, to feel alive
Damn one hell of a way to feel alive. But then over the years I remove the horror of omg a needle, I see method for some, so much more for othersand then not unlike other rituals that can come into to any addiction, always driven solely by who one is
And it is strange and please bare with me but I would watch my husband literally cringe getting one...and the kids getting shots or getting blood taken and he would leave the room blushing green.
And it never really made sense to me, because I knew he used heroin among other things by needle...and when heroin rolled back around, with them pills and mostly what I see as a something, anything to fix his head I was told run if I pick the needle up again.
I should have asked why he said that, but I wont now, it will remain one of lifes stranger points. He must had the needle set in his head as something of a horror as well, maybe an end he never thought he could get through
He did pick that needle back up, looking at that in now I cant assign it as a bad thing. My view is one has to run it out their way, whatever that is and dispel their thinking, their own denial, and find their way. He ran it out his way, sometimes repeating the same action over and over, falling back down, but he did try again, a bit of shifting in the thinking surely help him justify at times for the good and or deemed bad, but it does seem anyway from the outside looking in that even he proved to himself this really wasnt doing it anymore, hell that no drug will
He also had a thing with copping, the more danger involved, well there he was. That one made more sense, and he talked of it, and yeah with some arrogance of getting away, but always with such excitement but then
I might have enjoyed a bit to much the look in his eyes when he spoke of gunpoint, and going back cause the bags were beat to do that really don't f*ck with me and I said well why the need to die
Could it come back to that he never thought he would make it this far, that he would be dead by 40 And for years before I really knew wth was going on that was said ... he didn't plan to get this far and was stuck in that well what do I do now.not a good question to ask me, cause I kept answering live, just live
I wonder if flipping it around, with one having to look within themselves what might be found in terms of why the needle haunts....
Everyone take good care...
Love,
Tina
