Hello! I'm new here and writing b/c of my brother.
He has always had the free spirit lifestyle and I always knew something was probably going on but never really confirmed it and never really asked. Just helped with rides when I could, etc. We'll now we are older - in our 30's and things are getting bad. He admitted to my mom that he was using drugs the other day. He has been hitting up family members to help get him a hotel for here and there for the last few weeks. It's almost always late at night and always involves some story of someone who didn't pay him or how we can get you the money later - yada, yada. The other day he called and needed a place for the night (I have never rented him a room before and I gave in for one night and said do not call for another. Use tonight to regroup and figure your stuff out tomorrow before night fall.) The next day is when he told my mom of his usage and that he needed a place to stay (for him and his GF) to figure everything out. Supposedly they were both going to rehab and she could get in the next day. Fast forward - days later each day is the same he still needs a hotel night, he still doesn't have money, they are still going to rehab...tomorrow.
He hasn't called to ask me for more money, but I figure once everyone else stops I'm sure I'll make the rotation again. I've been so sad and sick to my stomach worrying about him. I always worry too much and this just really makes me feel helpless. I want to help, but I have a family of my own and I know the hotel room is just a super short term help. He needs to learn how to live on his own. How do I deal with the guilt? He calls crying saying he has no where to go. My Mom keeps giving him hotel rooms because she doesn't want him to be homeless or for something to happen to him. I think she feels so guilty if something were to happen to him. But this is getting ridiculous. My mom has a heart condition and doesn't need this stress. Also, she is retired and shouldn't keep giving him money. I would hate to see her in a situation where she doesn't have enough money because she kept giving it to him. In addition, once he gets the money he's pretty much unreachable until he needs it again. Every now and again he'll call in between.
We have talked about enabling (I've been Googling a lot these past few days) and she has stood firm after the last hotel room that she is not paying for more. I helped her find info on shelters (in case he has nowhere to go) and rehabs that will take him in w/o insurance and w/o an ID (he had an ID but has lost it). I'm pretty sure he has lost everything - no car, no apt. not sure if he is really working - if he is, he is obviously not keeping his money for necessities.
Guess I'm just looking for ways to cope with this without feeling super guilty and stressed. I mean people cannot keep paying for hotel rooms and supporting him (should mention he lives states away and no family lives near him currently). He need to follow through and go to detox/rehab. I'm just afraid he won't :( I love my brother and I just want him to feel better and stop living like this because I know it's not what he wants.
Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading!
Welcome, stressed...
I am so sorry you are going through this, but you have come to the right place. We have all been through this and you will find many great posts to help you and your family understand the toll on the family and healthy actions for the family.
My opinion is that we feel guilty because we are being manipulated. Unfortunately, active addicts are MASTER manipulators. We feel guilty because they want/need us to feel guilty. Why? Because they need our money to keep using. Or, in the case of my teen son, he needed the money but also the freedom.
To be blunt, he is giving you a load of crap to keep the money flowing. My son is at the moment clear headed and admitting that he had money but wanted to use it on drugs. So, while we were paying for shoes or for gas, he actually had it. But, it was for his drugs. Even if he doesn't have it, it is not my problem.
Be strong and dump the guilt. Active addicts just stoke that guilt. And, you have every right to be sad. This is a sad situation for all involved. But, glad you are putting yourself and your family and your needs first. That is the only way.
I am sure others will chime in with good advice and maybe some links to old posts. Just wanted to say welcome and that we all have been there.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but you have come to the right place. We have all been through this and you will find many great posts to help you and your family understand the toll on the family and healthy actions for the family.
My opinion is that we feel guilty because we are being manipulated. Unfortunately, active addicts are MASTER manipulators. We feel guilty because they want/need us to feel guilty. Why? Because they need our money to keep using. Or, in the case of my teen son, he needed the money but also the freedom.
To be blunt, he is giving you a load of crap to keep the money flowing. My son is at the moment clear headed and admitting that he had money but wanted to use it on drugs. So, while we were paying for shoes or for gas, he actually had it. But, it was for his drugs. Even if he doesn't have it, it is not my problem.
Be strong and dump the guilt. Active addicts just stoke that guilt. And, you have every right to be sad. This is a sad situation for all involved. But, glad you are putting yourself and your family and your needs first. That is the only way.
I am sure others will chime in with good advice and maybe some links to old posts. Just wanted to say welcome and that we all have been there.
My son is mid thirties and has also done the hotel for a night or a week thing with us. It gets expensive fast and only postpones the inevitable if they have nowhere to go. I do know that sometimes rehabs have a waiting list and even though accepted they have to wait for an opening. That could be what is happening with your brother and his girlfriend. It could also be a totally fabricated story. It is like trying to stop a runaway train. You see the wreck at the end of the rail but you can only slow it down and don't know how to stop it. Sounds like your brother is admitting they have a problem and may be looking for help getting back on track. Call your local office for Counsel on Drugs and Alcohol. Maybe they can help him with rehab.
Thanks parenting and buggin - It's nice to know there are others out there dealing with the same thing and I'm not crazy for not believing him. I appreciate your kind words and the reassurance that we are doing the right thing.
Buggin - We have called for places for help and he doesn't want to go right now - basically I have to do "insert something" first, or we need to get a physical and were doing that tomorrow, etc. So I'm not so sure that he really is even serious about it. My mom wanted to call him back to talk about next steps and after he got the hotel room he wont answer his phone :
I think he knows the money train is running out. I guess all I can hope is when there really isn't a place to stay maybe then he will give into rehab. My mom has offered to get an uber to the treatment center but that's the only form of money she can give. It's getting so crazy that now it's some version of the same story every single day - it's exhausting to say the least.
Did your son decide to get help? Did you stop paying for the hotel rooms? If you did, what did he end up doing? It does get expensive fast and really is not sustainable even if you wanted to keep doing it for them.
Again, I'm grateful for this forum and that you all are taking the time to talk with me :)
Buggin - We have called for places for help and he doesn't want to go right now - basically I have to do "insert something" first, or we need to get a physical and were doing that tomorrow, etc. So I'm not so sure that he really is even serious about it. My mom wanted to call him back to talk about next steps and after he got the hotel room he wont answer his phone :
I think he knows the money train is running out. I guess all I can hope is when there really isn't a place to stay maybe then he will give into rehab. My mom has offered to get an uber to the treatment center but that's the only form of money she can give. It's getting so crazy that now it's some version of the same story every single day - it's exhausting to say the least.
Did your son decide to get help? Did you stop paying for the hotel rooms? If you did, what did he end up doing? It does get expensive fast and really is not sustainable even if you wanted to keep doing it for them.
Again, I'm grateful for this forum and that you all are taking the time to talk with me :)
We stopped paying for motels quickly. It was expensive! He got kicked out of 2 because of his behavior on drugs. He stayed with friends awhile. He wanted us to pay for an apartment but we didn't. He wanted to stay with us but we won't do that anymore. I think he went to rehab for 1 week. He has been homeless for awhile. He has been in and out of hospitals and jail for minor offenses. I had to let him go. It was making me sick and I couldn't stand the heartbreak anymore. I am still depressed about it but with distance comes more clarity. You begin to realize sometimes there isn't much you can do to help someone that doesn't try to help themselves. When it starts hurting you it is time to stop.
My son is also mid thirties, and got a toral of probably 10 hotel rooms out of me in the past three years. Always some drama, crazy story about his living situation. In the last year, I have let the heartbreak of the truth sink in....his addiction is in control. I am sorry about your situation, but glad you reached out. There are some amazingly strong, kind and resilient people in this group. You will see that the stories are incredibly similar, and everyone is in their own phase of recovery....the addict and the loved ones. I have recommended on another thread to read the book "codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Great insight, and advice on how to stay in our own lane...your brother will reach out for help the moment he is ready....paying for a warm, comfy hotel room may be delaying that process. I know it did for my son. He is working now, and not on the streets. He has admitted in the past that he is an addict, but continues to roll down that track. It is a roller coaster ride. Keep reading and posting....sending peace and strength, Libby
Hello Stressed,
You can search for these topics by entering them in the Search Forums spot at the bottom of this page:
Ways Family Members can Help, What Not to do, Let me fall all by myself, Will you learn to say No --
-- read those postings. when he says he does not know what to do, have some answers ready for him -- "go to a shelter, state rehab, apply for Medicaid", do not problem solve - put the question back to him - "What do YOU think you should do"
idea for you and your mom - write out your answers on paper so when he calls you can look at what you want to say, and wont get drawn in to what he wants.
It is true we have to say NO. but it is hard. harder for some family members than others.
my son was homeless a few times. we did the hotel one or two nights at a time. we were also states away from each other. the distance is good for some reasons, and bad bc you worry and throw a band aid on the situation - the logistics are difficult and they know that. so if I said I would send or transfer $20 or $40, he would say can you send $100 I will make it last a week. 2 days later he was asking again. and so on. he always made the situation sound temporary.... then we realize a year has gone by and we thought he was making progress, but everything is still the same, more or less.
- do not answer your phone quickly. he will get dependent on you and will be harder and harder to say no. you do not want to be the efficient one who gets things done. he will stick to you and you will be the only person helping, and harder for you to say No.
my son is 28 and has been going thru addiction, rehab, recovery, repeat, for 5 years that I know about, maybe more. my husband and I believe him all the time that he is trying to stop - most of the time he is working full time, but never saves anything, always needs gas, or food. we keep scratching our head trying to figure it out. our problem is that we are his parents and he seems so close to being OK that we don't want to give up. so we keep "helping" --- sadly, our helping helps him to stay in the situation. we think we are helping him "get on his feet" He knows our weaknesses. we want him to go to work, so we give him $20 for gas, lately we will take the car and put gas in it so we do not give cash..... This past year our son was living both at our home and at gf. .. at the end of the year, I see that nothing changed..... we are all still dancing the same dance.... now after years of this we (parents) need to get out from under it. It is disappointing - we didn't think our son was using that much and that it would not be so hard for him to get out of it.... we were wrong.
another thing w a gf involved - the stories will be more complicated - we never can prove what he is saying is true or not... usually half true.. we just chase our tail... when we give up, we try to ignore what is going on, then it still keeps going on..... it all becomes time consuming. it is Awful!
Lastest thing I found was a recovery center for addiction in my county that treats family members. I have started going to a counselor there. I need someone to talk to, vent, get knowledge and understanding addiction. Also check out SmartRecovery.org - good information to read. For you and your mom - stay off the roller coaster - save yourself before you get entangled in the mess. Stay firm at the beginning.
Good Luck!
You can search for these topics by entering them in the Search Forums spot at the bottom of this page:
Ways Family Members can Help, What Not to do, Let me fall all by myself, Will you learn to say No --
-- read those postings. when he says he does not know what to do, have some answers ready for him -- "go to a shelter, state rehab, apply for Medicaid", do not problem solve - put the question back to him - "What do YOU think you should do"
idea for you and your mom - write out your answers on paper so when he calls you can look at what you want to say, and wont get drawn in to what he wants.
It is true we have to say NO. but it is hard. harder for some family members than others.
my son was homeless a few times. we did the hotel one or two nights at a time. we were also states away from each other. the distance is good for some reasons, and bad bc you worry and throw a band aid on the situation - the logistics are difficult and they know that. so if I said I would send or transfer $20 or $40, he would say can you send $100 I will make it last a week. 2 days later he was asking again. and so on. he always made the situation sound temporary.... then we realize a year has gone by and we thought he was making progress, but everything is still the same, more or less.
- do not answer your phone quickly. he will get dependent on you and will be harder and harder to say no. you do not want to be the efficient one who gets things done. he will stick to you and you will be the only person helping, and harder for you to say No.
my son is 28 and has been going thru addiction, rehab, recovery, repeat, for 5 years that I know about, maybe more. my husband and I believe him all the time that he is trying to stop - most of the time he is working full time, but never saves anything, always needs gas, or food. we keep scratching our head trying to figure it out. our problem is that we are his parents and he seems so close to being OK that we don't want to give up. so we keep "helping" --- sadly, our helping helps him to stay in the situation. we think we are helping him "get on his feet" He knows our weaknesses. we want him to go to work, so we give him $20 for gas, lately we will take the car and put gas in it so we do not give cash..... This past year our son was living both at our home and at gf. .. at the end of the year, I see that nothing changed..... we are all still dancing the same dance.... now after years of this we (parents) need to get out from under it. It is disappointing - we didn't think our son was using that much and that it would not be so hard for him to get out of it.... we were wrong.
another thing w a gf involved - the stories will be more complicated - we never can prove what he is saying is true or not... usually half true.. we just chase our tail... when we give up, we try to ignore what is going on, then it still keeps going on..... it all becomes time consuming. it is Awful!
Lastest thing I found was a recovery center for addiction in my county that treats family members. I have started going to a counselor there. I need someone to talk to, vent, get knowledge and understanding addiction. Also check out SmartRecovery.org - good information to read. For you and your mom - stay off the roller coaster - save yourself before you get entangled in the mess. Stay firm at the beginning.
Good Luck!
Thank you!! This has been so helpful. I'm so glad that I found this website and message board. I feel for each of you and your own situations. Addiction is such a terrible disease and so unfortunate that it also takes down those who love the addict. I'm sure if my brother was in the right frame of mind (clean/sober) that he would be remorseful for his actions and feel terrible. And I think what hurts the most from us is that we can see how their life could be if they only wanted to help themselves. But as time goes the stories are tiring and your life must continue.
As a mother myself, I can only imagine the pain you are going through as a mom. As a sister I feel like I should do more (even though now I know there is nothing I can really do but be there if he is really ready for help) I can only image if it were one of my sons. I want you all to know you have been tremendously helpful and even though this situation is awful, know that you are helping others. You are helping people like me (and my mom) know that we aren't crazy or cruel for questioning and not believing the stories. Not insane for feeling guilty when we do not help. Helping us to understand that letting go and making him be accountable for his actions is probably the most loving thing we can do for him right now - even though it's so very difficult to do. So for all of that, I thank you and I plan to stick around to share and help as much as I can too.
___
Today is a new day - he got a hotel room for yesterday - with promises of rehab today. I'm sure the phone call with a new story will arise in a little once the hotel room is about to run out and reality sets in that he and his gf have no where to go... again. It's like each morning I'm on pins and needles in my stomach waiting to see if I'm on the call list today to listen to a story, some tears and why he desperately needs help and that tomorrow will be different.
Thank you for the idea to write down what we are going to say. I have the shelter numbers ready and that the only help I can give is to give him this 24/7 number that he can call for help. Then I figure I may have to hang up because I really cannot listen to the sob story about having no where to go and have tears follow it - it tugs at my heart and it really is just too much to go though day after day. I want to help b/c I don't want to see him like this, but I now know that I'm not helping if I give money. What I really want is to see him go to rehab and start living a more stable/normal life. To enjoy what life has to offer and not be boxed in to hotel rooms and live from day to day bogged down by addition.
So for now I will take each day as it comes and hope that today will be the day he takes back control of his life. And if not, I will be here waiting when he decides to do so.
As a mother myself, I can only imagine the pain you are going through as a mom. As a sister I feel like I should do more (even though now I know there is nothing I can really do but be there if he is really ready for help) I can only image if it were one of my sons. I want you all to know you have been tremendously helpful and even though this situation is awful, know that you are helping others. You are helping people like me (and my mom) know that we aren't crazy or cruel for questioning and not believing the stories. Not insane for feeling guilty when we do not help. Helping us to understand that letting go and making him be accountable for his actions is probably the most loving thing we can do for him right now - even though it's so very difficult to do. So for all of that, I thank you and I plan to stick around to share and help as much as I can too.
___
Today is a new day - he got a hotel room for yesterday - with promises of rehab today. I'm sure the phone call with a new story will arise in a little once the hotel room is about to run out and reality sets in that he and his gf have no where to go... again. It's like each morning I'm on pins and needles in my stomach waiting to see if I'm on the call list today to listen to a story, some tears and why he desperately needs help and that tomorrow will be different.
Thank you for the idea to write down what we are going to say. I have the shelter numbers ready and that the only help I can give is to give him this 24/7 number that he can call for help. Then I figure I may have to hang up because I really cannot listen to the sob story about having no where to go and have tears follow it - it tugs at my heart and it really is just too much to go though day after day. I want to help b/c I don't want to see him like this, but I now know that I'm not helping if I give money. What I really want is to see him go to rehab and start living a more stable/normal life. To enjoy what life has to offer and not be boxed in to hotel rooms and live from day to day bogged down by addition.
So for now I will take each day as it comes and hope that today will be the day he takes back control of his life. And if not, I will be here waiting when he decides to do so.
update: He called my mom to talk today - saying he doesn't want to live like a bum anymore. She gave him numbers for places to go but he said thanks maybe he'll call later and that he didn't have time for that today and he needed money. So he has to go out and try to make money today. Said the GF is detoxing in the hotel room and is super sick. She said he was crying and sounded really down. She stood firm and told him that he needed to call the numbers to get started on getting better. He said he loved her and then he had to go. She asked him to call tomorrow to let her know he's okay.
I'm worried for him :(
I'm worried for him :(
My opinion - what makes this situation a bit worse is that they are together. One person will not desert the other .. probably not even to go to rehab. They will do what they can for each other as long as they are able. That includes finding a place to stay, getting food, getting drugs, and whatever they have to do to get what they need. To me the variable is how addicted are they and to what drug. Maybe your brother is not as addicted as the girlfriend? Either goes to rehab they won't like staying away from each other for a long time and may not stay the course. Rehabs are not coed as far as I know. I kind of think maybe they are trying to get off drugs on their own so they can stay together. That is very hard to do without professional help.
In my son's case, having a partner in crime, if you will, has delayed any effort that may have been made toward recovery. Two years ago, he told me that his soul was dying with her. And last yezr, if he did not get away from her, he would be dead or in prison. Alas, they are still together. Deep down inside, they both know recovery means they cannot be together, because the biggest addiction now is each other. The lies, manipulations, deceit, sadness and despair is stronger because they have each other to support the life. Any attempts to reason with my son have been met with the respone that they cannot live without one another. But they can die with one another. A very heartbreaking twist to my son's recovery path. Libby
I agree with everyone's postings. in my son's case, he and his gf have a bond. they "understand eachother". his best friend who was her previous bf, died a year ago. I think they will be stuck together forever. when he first came back home last year, that was his montra - he had to help her, she's depressed. and that she helps him with anxiety, he can talk to her....
At this point I have no clue which one is in deeper w the drugs. they both get prescription meds, I'm sure they are sharing, and selling, etc. and getting some stuff off the street. it is something that can not be unraveled by me.... I can see that the only way for both to survive is for both to get off at the same time. otherwise, they will always keep each other in it. they are both broke. even though my son works. true this job is low paying, but he should be able to cover his expenses and break even. every job he works is "doesn't pay enough"
another warning - they can become very depressed and anxiousand it can go on for months. I have read that is why they go back to using. they usually find some way to self medicate, get more drugs, and never really fully withdrawal. brace yourself for those phone calls. when they are using they do not have an appetite, I think, when they are kind of clean, they are "starving".
stick to your script - they need professional help. "I can not help you, I am not an expert, I have no idea how to handle this" they should be able to get into a government rehab or detox. It is not easy, they will have to be persistent and deal with government rules, etc.
It is easier for us and them, when we help them, but they do not learn how to take care of themselves when we help. they do not feel the pain of waiting in wait rooms and filling out forms correctly and signing up for healthcare when we do these things for them. therefore, they don't set themselves up for the future bc we keep giving them band aides. then, the next time they still don't know what to do bc we did it for them....
Hope this info helps!
PS the best times were when my son was in rehab or sober living. we could take ourselves out of the equation and say "idk - talk to the counselor", etc.... They really do need someone other than us to go to for support. For the past year, I thought I could keep showing him a better way and he will follow - IT DID NOT WORK -- being Nice -- Does Not Work....
Now I have found a recovery therapist for myself. I am working on creating distance to stop enabling. my son has to take care of himself. I am not going to sit around here forever giving him a few twenties every week! UGH!
At this point I have no clue which one is in deeper w the drugs. they both get prescription meds, I'm sure they are sharing, and selling, etc. and getting some stuff off the street. it is something that can not be unraveled by me.... I can see that the only way for both to survive is for both to get off at the same time. otherwise, they will always keep each other in it. they are both broke. even though my son works. true this job is low paying, but he should be able to cover his expenses and break even. every job he works is "doesn't pay enough"
another warning - they can become very depressed and anxiousand it can go on for months. I have read that is why they go back to using. they usually find some way to self medicate, get more drugs, and never really fully withdrawal. brace yourself for those phone calls. when they are using they do not have an appetite, I think, when they are kind of clean, they are "starving".
stick to your script - they need professional help. "I can not help you, I am not an expert, I have no idea how to handle this" they should be able to get into a government rehab or detox. It is not easy, they will have to be persistent and deal with government rules, etc.
It is easier for us and them, when we help them, but they do not learn how to take care of themselves when we help. they do not feel the pain of waiting in wait rooms and filling out forms correctly and signing up for healthcare when we do these things for them. therefore, they don't set themselves up for the future bc we keep giving them band aides. then, the next time they still don't know what to do bc we did it for them....
Hope this info helps!
PS the best times were when my son was in rehab or sober living. we could take ourselves out of the equation and say "idk - talk to the counselor", etc.... They really do need someone other than us to go to for support. For the past year, I thought I could keep showing him a better way and he will follow - IT DID NOT WORK -- being Nice -- Does Not Work....
Now I have found a recovery therapist for myself. I am working on creating distance to stop enabling. my son has to take care of himself. I am not going to sit around here forever giving him a few twenties every week! UGH!
stressed. I have had the same conversations w my son as your mother had. he didn't have time - to do things the right way - just needed money today...
Thanks for the replies.
I most definitely think having a significant other is too much for them to handle. When they cant figure out how to help themselves, how can they help someone else? Each day its see wont go without me. I wont go without her. Were both going tomorrow. Then it comes and goes.
My brother has been reaching out to other family members talking to them about whats king on. I truly believe he is hitting bottom because he really has nothing left. So sad to think of it - I think being states away is almost better so I wont have to see him that way. I stopped to say hi to him this summer when I was coming back from vacation and he looked okay, but I didnt know the depth of the situation back then. Even then it took him like three hours to meet us and I have small children so I was getting irritated. Its like Id love to see you but why is everything so dang complicated! The simplist thing is always so complex with them.
My mom is coming to stay with us for a little. I feel like she needs to see the grandkids and just relax for a little with some distractions. My brother has been calling other family members anyway so Im sure hes going to try and get money out of them. My mom told him she cant do it anymore but got him another night. Im going to work on getting her to not answer too much while shes here.
What I dont understand is how you can say your done. You hate living this way. Youre tired. Etc. but then not go to treatment or a shelter? Like what is left for us to do? Just buy you hotel rooms indefinitely? I really dont grasp whats going on in his brain. And I know Ill never understand it. Its hard but I have kept my distance since last week. I love him and hope nothing bad happens to him but I cannot go down the rabbit hole. And I cannot feel guilty for what he decides to do. He has the numbers for help and if he chooses not to use them and be homeless or do something stupid to get money it is not my fault. Or so I keep telling myself over and over in hopes that Ill really believe it! Your stories help bc they help me feel less alone in my thoughts of sadness/anger.
Thanks again for lending an ear! Hopefully everyone is taking a timeout for themselves in this mess you cant control!
I most definitely think having a significant other is too much for them to handle. When they cant figure out how to help themselves, how can they help someone else? Each day its see wont go without me. I wont go without her. Were both going tomorrow. Then it comes and goes.
My brother has been reaching out to other family members talking to them about whats king on. I truly believe he is hitting bottom because he really has nothing left. So sad to think of it - I think being states away is almost better so I wont have to see him that way. I stopped to say hi to him this summer when I was coming back from vacation and he looked okay, but I didnt know the depth of the situation back then. Even then it took him like three hours to meet us and I have small children so I was getting irritated. Its like Id love to see you but why is everything so dang complicated! The simplist thing is always so complex with them.
My mom is coming to stay with us for a little. I feel like she needs to see the grandkids and just relax for a little with some distractions. My brother has been calling other family members anyway so Im sure hes going to try and get money out of them. My mom told him she cant do it anymore but got him another night. Im going to work on getting her to not answer too much while shes here.
What I dont understand is how you can say your done. You hate living this way. Youre tired. Etc. but then not go to treatment or a shelter? Like what is left for us to do? Just buy you hotel rooms indefinitely? I really dont grasp whats going on in his brain. And I know Ill never understand it. Its hard but I have kept my distance since last week. I love him and hope nothing bad happens to him but I cannot go down the rabbit hole. And I cannot feel guilty for what he decides to do. He has the numbers for help and if he chooses not to use them and be homeless or do something stupid to get money it is not my fault. Or so I keep telling myself over and over in hopes that Ill really believe it! Your stories help bc they help me feel less alone in my thoughts of sadness/anger.
Thanks again for lending an ear! Hopefully everyone is taking a timeout for themselves in this mess you cant control!
Also forgot to throw in that apparently the girl took off and will be back - or so he says. He said he has to wait for her bc he has to be there when she returns and she always returns. He would hate if someonething happened to her while hes in rehab. He said he wouldnt forgive himself.
Im also pretty sure this is a newly established relationship so I really just dont get any of it!
Like not even sure you can believe all these crazy stories. How many crazy things can happen to one person!
Im also pretty sure this is a newly established relationship so I really just dont get any of it!
Like not even sure you can believe all these crazy stories. How many crazy things can happen to one person!
Stressed, you could exchange your brother's name for my son's, or any other active addict for that matter. The stories keep getting crazier, and will be "shopped around" until he can find a taker. Unfortunately, it is usually mom!!! So it is very helpful that you are a source of strength for your mom when it comes time to say NO. It is extremely hard, and we slip sometimes, i suppose our own form of relapse. But, just as we would pray and hope that our loved one will get back on track with recovery, we must be willing to be gentle with ourselves while we learn to let them be responsible, and hopefully sober one day. Stay in touch with anyone who gives you strength. Sending peace, Libby
"My son is mid thirties and has also done the hotel for a night or a week thing with us."
Wow! My son is 35 and has been doing the hotel for a week thing with me too!
Wow! My son is 35 and has been doing the hotel for a week thing with me too!
yup!! My 47 y/o addicted son that we haven't had contact with for 6 months just called and pleaded for money and a hotel room! It doesn't fix anything and only prolongs their progressing toward rehab or drug free lives!
I could have gone an around the world tour for the money I have spent on hotels!
The best thing you can do is say "NO"!!! It is tough to do and it hurts because the thought of our kids being homeless or on the streets is more than we can bear! The truth is you are giving them money to buy drugs because you have put them up for a few nights or a week and they use any money they get for drugs! If you think that they don't somehow and somewhere get money for a fix or a hit--you are kidding yourself.
The best thing you can do for them is let them go and figure out which way they want to live their lives--on the streets as an addict or drug free. You can't control the direction or choice they will make, but why would you want to contribute to their drug problem?????
Prayers for all of us---Lori
I could have gone an around the world tour for the money I have spent on hotels!
The best thing you can do is say "NO"!!! It is tough to do and it hurts because the thought of our kids being homeless or on the streets is more than we can bear! The truth is you are giving them money to buy drugs because you have put them up for a few nights or a week and they use any money they get for drugs! If you think that they don't somehow and somewhere get money for a fix or a hit--you are kidding yourself.
The best thing you can do for them is let them go and figure out which way they want to live their lives--on the streets as an addict or drug free. You can't control the direction or choice they will make, but why would you want to contribute to their drug problem?????
Prayers for all of us---Lori
Ugh it hurts my heart to think of all of you who have to go through these phone calls and ridiculous situations. I know the hotel room thing is no good and actually my mom has stopped. Since she has been here shes kept him on block on her phone. She has been much more like herself the past few days since shes had a chance to detach from the stress. Since then hes been calling all fam members and telling them crazy stories. It is really crazy things about drugs, prostitution etc. like why would you tell family members these things. He also is still using the rehab line - which since its over a week later Im pretty sure is just part of the new storyline to get money.
For now Im just so glad we turned it off and took a break. My mom is going to tell him (when shes ready to come back from this break) that shed like to know hes okay once in awhile and calls asking for money are not welcome and she will hang up. And that she would really like to see him get help and shell be here when he does. Im proud of her for really pulling through this and putting herself first now. Hopefully itll last. I appreciate all the help youve given me that I can relay to her.
Stay strong my supporting friends!
For now Im just so glad we turned it off and took a break. My mom is going to tell him (when shes ready to come back from this break) that shed like to know hes okay once in awhile and calls asking for money are not welcome and she will hang up. And that she would really like to see him get help and shell be here when he does. Im proud of her for really pulling through this and putting herself first now. Hopefully itll last. I appreciate all the help youve given me that I can relay to her.
Stay strong my supporting friends!
Just a quick update since I like logging on here to see what's going on with everyone else. It helps me feel less alone with this situation/problem.
My Mom has not talked to my brother in about a week! I'm so proud of her! She had him blocked for a little and then unblocked him and he hasn't called. I looked up the outcome of his court date (since he was caught driving w/o a license) and he didn't appear - no shock there. I was secretly hoping he would go and they would put him in jail so he would be out of the mess he is in (if the mess he talks about is even true, who knows at this point) He hasn't really been calling others the last few days. I wonder if he realizes that people don't want to hear the stories anymore about why he can't go to detox/rehab and that now all they are waiting for is for him to actually go. I think he knows the money train has run out.
It still makes me really sad to think about the whole situation, but honestly I just try to block it out. Every so often I'll check his FB to see if he's still alive and that brings me a little peace. I try not to reach out b/c I'm afraid it'll open the door for more money begging. I know that now he needs to help himself by calling the numbers we gave him - only HE can do that, no one else can make him change. I just hope that he will want out of that lifestyle bad enough to actually go. I really can'y imagine why anyone would be okay with living the way they do. I think all the talk up to this point was just talk and a way to scheme people into making them feel sorry for him - so sad but probably true. I just pray he'll get the help he needs.
My Mom has not talked to my brother in about a week! I'm so proud of her! She had him blocked for a little and then unblocked him and he hasn't called. I looked up the outcome of his court date (since he was caught driving w/o a license) and he didn't appear - no shock there. I was secretly hoping he would go and they would put him in jail so he would be out of the mess he is in (if the mess he talks about is even true, who knows at this point) He hasn't really been calling others the last few days. I wonder if he realizes that people don't want to hear the stories anymore about why he can't go to detox/rehab and that now all they are waiting for is for him to actually go. I think he knows the money train has run out.
It still makes me really sad to think about the whole situation, but honestly I just try to block it out. Every so often I'll check his FB to see if he's still alive and that brings me a little peace. I try not to reach out b/c I'm afraid it'll open the door for more money begging. I know that now he needs to help himself by calling the numbers we gave him - only HE can do that, no one else can make him change. I just hope that he will want out of that lifestyle bad enough to actually go. I really can'y imagine why anyone would be okay with living the way they do. I think all the talk up to this point was just talk and a way to scheme people into making them feel sorry for him - so sad but probably true. I just pray he'll get the help he needs.
