sharonn
i started a new post for you as the other one was getting lengthy and heated i might add!
this is the God's honest truth, i lived it, so i know what i am saying is TRUE in my own experience only so here goes:
i started sub july 06 in rehab, they made me detox 24 hours before starting sub, they gave me valium while i waited to be induced. i have taken MANY diazepines in the past for anxiety/panic disorder and never did they make me hallucinate.
now my induction starts, 2 mg in the morning 2 mg at night. OMG!! OMG! did i say OMG???
I vomited, i I HALLUCINATED! I couldnt attend classes cuz i coudnt stay awake! i remember having double vision, seeing two people (when i did go back to classes) across the table from me.
when i was lying in the bed, the nurse came in to take my vitals, and i told her there was a beautiful horse in the room and i asked her if she was jay's mother. ( jay is a friend of mine) she was like Julie??? my room mate and her start laughing, i came too and then i started laughing, i said to the nurse i cant believe what i just saw and you look EXACTLY like my friend jay's mom.
when i got better and believe me i fought these strange feelings, i went outside to smoke with my friends and i was like i think i need to throw up! so i ran over to the outdoor garbage barrell and offended all my friends, excuse me i said but i had to do what i had to do, right?
on another occassion in rehab i had just eaten some beef stew (sorry so graphic) and told my room mate, what i needed to do and to be excused if late for class, again i vomited and vomited.
other people were just fine on sub, NOT ME! this was the most strongest and hardest drug for my system to handle, immediately i became constipated and i never went for a bowel movement the whole 16 days i was there! i didnt know what was causing the constipation then, as i had posted in the past ( last summer) i was asking for the forum on help with the constipation. it STILL is a chronic problem for me today, i have used every laxative out there and bought my good share of enemas where before in my entire life had never even used an enema.
i finally very slowly graduated to 8 mgs of sub and as i have posted before it saved my life as far as healing my brain and making me willing to seek a sponsor, NA meetings and the 12 steps for which i just finished step one!
my sons have seen how sick this drug has made me, they ask me, mom, how long on you gonna kill yourself not being able to poop!, i keep saying, BUT!
but what? it keeps me clean and for that its a good thing right? cuz if i didnt go this route i would have died from all the vicodin and the acetaphinamen properties in it that could have destroyed my liver! ( thank goodness liver enzymes are normal)
so is true as far as i have experienced sharonn, i went thru the same thing you did, and my health is not all that great either, diabetes, now the gastro problems i posted about a few days ago. is the sub causing the gastro problems??? i dont know! i have been thru pure hell too! trying my poor system with this drug so that i can live what ever remaining years i have left,
it has been so hard, i am substituting one addiction for the other, no vicodin in 9 mos! no marijuana! no alcohol! ( i dont drink but abstained at a wedding reception when i would have a drink or two in the past) just to protect my recovery and for that i am soooo proud of what i have struggled to accomplish, but now i get scared and this causes an anxiety attack for me when i think this way: i worry now, because i am smoking double of what i used to.
i am consuming double the ammount of caffeine (pepsi) then i used to, that is another awful addiction i need to conquer as well as the nicotine.
i HAVE to have a hostess snowball every day!
great diabetic diet huh?
i am spending way too much time on the computer, ( i am in great denial about that)
now this, loss of appetite and no nutrition whatsoever in my body for awhile now,
then i endured a barbaric endoscopy and was ignored at the er and by the paramedics because they deemed me a hopeless addict/nutcase.
i am under so much stress and pressure i feel like i am gonna collapse and die!
then i think julie, you believe in your faith, what has happened to you? you know God is there for you, why are you allowing satan to destroy you?
then i cry out God, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME????? (sounds a little familiar doesnt it as we just heard the Easter message at church) He never has forsaken me, NEVER, he afflicts me to bring me closer to Him!
like i said on Good Friday, i thought i would collapse again, the pressure was too much, i always tried to keep it a mental thing but like i said it now has become a physical thing for which i cant control, that awful word CONTROL!
i felt like i was beng crucified with Christ on Good Friday (ah! the Lord works in mysterious ways) i want to share with you what happened that night and then i need to close as i am spending way too much time here lol!)
the boys and I attended Good Friday service, i was asked by our pastor to narrate part of the passion, yes i said what an honor! i was like julie how am i gonna be able to pull this off, i am sooo sick mentally and now physically, of course my chronic tardiness got me in trouble but i made it there just in the nick of time, the pastor looks at me like whew! shes here!, he goes over instructions with me on what i am supposed to do, my mind is racing and i am trying so hard to comprehend what he is telling me as i am having an anxiety attack terrible, but no one knows cuz i am a real good pretender. i sit in the pew with my sons, praying to God to let me relax and deliver the passion as He would want me to. now its my turn! omg! please be with me Lord, i pray..
all of a sudden a calm came over me as i am walking up to the pulpit to deliver this good news, i can see the pastor in my periphial (sp) vision looking at me, i arrive at the pulpit, place my hands firmly on the pulpit as not to have them start shaking and i look out at the congregation and i see my two sons looking at me like is she gonna be able to pull this off as they have seen me fall apart that week during my 911 episode and then my future endoscopy that came the following mon. the Holy Spirit breathed into me a calm like you could not believe and i dd it! i didnt stumble over one word, funny i am terrified to publicly speak, but not at church.
when the black curtain was drawn to cover the sanctuary and everyone was praying at the altar rail and we were in adoration of the cross, i prayed with both my sons on each side of me and i whispered God, thank you for suffering for me, i wanted my sons to hear those words and to learn from me that no matter how much pain i have endured that there is a loving Savior for me and for them!
everyone left in silence, i turned back to look at the darkness that was there at the altar rail, knowing that on Easter there will be the light of Christ filling the sanctuary, easter liles, all the white paraments etc.
as i went back to reflect all by myself in the darkness of that night, i felt someone touch me! i was a little alarmed at first, it was my girlfriend sarah from church, she put her arm around my shoulder and i laid my head on her shoulder and i wanted to cry, she knew, i said thank you for being my friend, it was the most comforting experience i went through at that moment, it truly was the Holy Spirit thru my girlfriend sarah saying to me, i love you julie, i am here, dont worry, it will be ok. same thing happened on Easter sunday, i was again so sick from all the stress and the stomach discomfort and i got up at 4 am to be at church for sunrise service to play handbells at 6 am and the 9 am service, my son was a deacon, how proud i was! after all the services were over and i was done socializing with my friends ( my sons pet peeve about me) i realize as i am cleaning out my spot where i play bells cuz we are done til fall, that i am the ONLY person left in the church, leah had said to me julie i am leaving everything is locked up so just exit out the side door, i said ok, i have never been the only person in the church before in my life, i walk over to that same spot that i was in on Good Fridays darkness and i am now standing there in the light of Easter and i look up at our huge cross with the ascending Savior on it (all made out of wood, beautiful) and a peace came over me, a beam of the approaching afternoon sun is cutting through the stain glassed windows i truly gave thanks to God that he got me through that week end and will get me through the rest of my life. HE is risen, He is risen indeed! peace, julie
Thanks jewels................Was wondering wth happened to the other one?????
Anyway, wanted to tell you, I feel you on the anxiety, It is so so hard to deal with every day, and then to try to explain it to someone who has never experienced it.
I do think the therapy is helping me the most, just listening for once, (sometimes hard for me) :) and having an open mind.
Email sometime or anytime............Javagirl1976@hotmail.com
Big Hugs.
Anyway, wanted to tell you, I feel you on the anxiety, It is so so hard to deal with every day, and then to try to explain it to someone who has never experienced it.
I do think the therapy is helping me the most, just listening for once, (sometimes hard for me) :) and having an open mind.
Email sometime or anytime............Javagirl1976@hotmail.com
Big Hugs.
jodi, what did you mean when you said: i was wondering wth happened to the other one?? forgive me, my minds been racing and i dont comprehend things sometimes or i am forgetful?? love you julie
i hope to come back here later, gotta go and start my day, lot to do.
i hope to come back here later, gotta go and start my day, lot to do.
bump for sharonn and java girl
Hey ya Jewels...........
If I remember right, a thread had dissapeared at that time.............Talk about confusing around here :)
Take care girl. Sleep tight.
Big Hugs
If I remember right, a thread had dissapeared at that time.............Talk about confusing around here :)
Take care girl. Sleep tight.
Big Hugs
Jewels
Just to let you know, Sharon has retired from the board. Hopefully until she gets better. She has had so many health issues and she needs to be in a safe environment dealing with those things.
We miss you Sharon.
Just to let you know, Sharon has retired from the board. Hopefully until she gets better. She has had so many health issues and she needs to be in a safe environment dealing with those things.
We miss you Sharon.
Kee kee That is good to here. Her care is very difficult. I kinda always related tried to help but Not sure Sharon wanted to heat what I had to say. Maybe I did not get my point across? But I pray she gets into a rehab so she can share with counselors who are pros on how to cope going forward.
Getting off drugs is easy IMO how you cope with life without that "safety net"
Well we are all different.
Sharon if you read this I am praying you find the right doctor to help you.
If you need to be on prednisone to improve the quality of your life? Go for it. I rather enjoy todays great day then be sick. So if prednisone and seroquel is my price?
Life is so much better. I am no doctor No nothing about Lupus but your so sweet --way to sensitive-(Do not take that as a negative) but in recovery your going to have to get tough down and dirty.
Sharon YOI CAN RECOVER but its not going to be your way. Do whatever you have to do to get Sharon's Back. The rest of it is a piece of cake.
I pray you do this. Find the right combo of drugs get stable and start living your life.
Jeff
Getting off drugs is easy IMO how you cope with life without that "safety net"
Well we are all different.
Sharon if you read this I am praying you find the right doctor to help you.
If you need to be on prednisone to improve the quality of your life? Go for it. I rather enjoy todays great day then be sick. So if prednisone and seroquel is my price?
Life is so much better. I am no doctor No nothing about Lupus but your so sweet --way to sensitive-(Do not take that as a negative) but in recovery your going to have to get tough down and dirty.
Sharon YOI CAN RECOVER but its not going to be your way. Do whatever you have to do to get Sharon's Back. The rest of it is a piece of cake.
I pray you do this. Find the right combo of drugs get stable and start living your life.
Jeff
WOW>>>>>>>>>>>>
i just read your post very carefully jewels and i have big tears in my eyes..........
the Lord is wonderful...........so wonderful to us.........
i was once told by an old wise sista that pulled me aside at church that the ones that struggle hard on earth are so close to Jesus and our spirits were use to being with Him because we love Him so much and now on earth we are restless....
i am no angel jewels......and i will be just be so happy when i leave this earth to be with Jesus where ever that will be........where ever heaven is........
i may have to mop floors in heaven for the things i have done........
i dont care just as long as i can go and hug Jesus when ever i want to.......
and i know He is in our hearts but i want to sit by Jesus and touch Him and
i want Jesus to hold me real tight..............
i love you Jewels...........
thank you for sharing and allowing me to share...........
thumper
i just read your post very carefully jewels and i have big tears in my eyes..........
the Lord is wonderful...........so wonderful to us.........
i was once told by an old wise sista that pulled me aside at church that the ones that struggle hard on earth are so close to Jesus and our spirits were use to being with Him because we love Him so much and now on earth we are restless....
i am no angel jewels......and i will be just be so happy when i leave this earth to be with Jesus where ever that will be........where ever heaven is........
i may have to mop floors in heaven for the things i have done........
i dont care just as long as i can go and hug Jesus when ever i want to.......
and i know He is in our hearts but i want to sit by Jesus and touch Him and
i want Jesus to hold me real tight..............
i love you Jewels...........
thank you for sharing and allowing me to share...........
thumper
