Well things with my man are always off balance. I'm getting those urges to run off. Getting the need to be AWAY. Yesterday was so SCARY close for me. He and I were in disagrement/fight about me going over to my best friends. I left, He wanted me home & up his butt. I grabed $30.00 I was a few seconds away from scoring. I turned around and went on to her house instead. she is not a dope addict. I Got stupid drunk with her and her hubby dragged myself home at 1am, slept on the couch. I Feel like crap about the whole thing. This sure is not progress. This time was closer then others i brought $ left with the water. It was darn Immature and stupid. I was running on auto. I feel terrible because I ALMOST DID it. I'm sure the guilt would be worse had i done it. I drove to the old pick up spot and STOPED I've not done that EVER while i've been off h. I would never tell anyone i know that it was this close. I know that would have only made matters worse. My Insiteful thought for today "out of weakness, comes strength". However These weakness are breaking me down, i don't feel too strong. I'm so angry at him. I'm so over stressed and tied down. "excuse i know" but oh so TRUE!.
My online recovery diary HERE got deleted from the board. I wanted to edit some THINGS on it but, now the whole things IS gone. That's annoying. I only wanted to edit names and such the mods saw fit to take it down. Oh,well and the world still turns. p.s i spelled weakness wrong in the topic. I know getting DRUNK is not being in recovery which in its self makes me question what clean time i even have?. Clean 2 years if you don't count the beers/ the m-done/ Vicodin. 2 years no needles but, i aint clean i can't fool myself.... I feel dirty.
ZG, so you got drunk? It's not the end of the world! I know you thought about scoring but you DIDN'T...That is something. Don't feel dirty, you're far from it, like you said you're 2 years clean from the vicodin and the meth and 2 years free from the needles... That is an acheivment ZG, don't let anyone tell you diffrent. Take it easy, Kev
You DIDN'T do it! Feel proud of yourself. It's when times are really hard and you still don't do it that you know what an amazing strong person you are. I just spent the a couple of days with my bro and his wife who are both alcoholics in recovery...2 years sober...and they were talking bout how every day is a decision...every day a personal battle against depression...a choice to be made...regrets that they will never be able to drink again...
Try not to be down on yourself...you did good...under difficult circumstances...I'm proud of ya!
Maddy x x x
Try not to be down on yourself...you did good...under difficult circumstances...I'm proud of ya!
Maddy x x x
What's going on with you ZG?
Sorry I been so crazed with my own stuff I didn't see this.
That was too close...........you didn't do it though.........as always I think you're one of the sanest, strongest, intelligent people I know.....either in person or on a computer............don't go proving me wrong, now!
BALANCE.........you just said it.........AND that happens to good old plain old husband and wives where nobody ever was an addict....it's just unfortunate you know where that will take ya for some hours...........but ya know where you'll wind up too......right?
Always I got respect for ya.
Sorry I been so crazed with my own stuff I didn't see this.
That was too close...........you didn't do it though.........as always I think you're one of the sanest, strongest, intelligent people I know.....either in person or on a computer............don't go proving me wrong, now!
BALANCE.........you just said it.........AND that happens to good old plain old husband and wives where nobody ever was an addict....it's just unfortunate you know where that will take ya for some hours...........but ya know where you'll wind up too......right?
Always I got respect for ya.
You know how on that t.v show intervention they show childhod pics? here is me with my grandfather and brother 
It was close i don't know what caused me to not score. I understand drinking aint the needle but, still it's crappy. I'm darn glad i did'nt. I woke up today and remembered something that happen while i was on H i almost bust into tears "you guys ever have those days?." I hate so many things mostly i hate feeling so diffrent all the time. I CAN'T even put into words what being a junkie has done to my life. Still one fight and H is the 1st thing i wanna reach for. I was thinking of this song when i woke up this am it made me sad i remembered begging for money on a highway off ramp puking every few mins in the rain on mothers day 2004. I don't wanna be there again in this life time.
Cindy's on methadone
she's through with the syringe
Cindy's on methadone
she's off on heroin
Cindy's on methadone
we're glad to have her home
She slept in vomit now
she sleeps on methadone but she
stopped ripping off her neighbors
stopped taking change from strangers
stopped shooting needles full of
dreams into her arms
she stopped calling at three thirty
stopped looking thin and dirty
stopped screaming bloody murder
when she got cut off
It was close i don't know what caused me to not score. I understand drinking aint the needle but, still it's crappy. I'm darn glad i did'nt. I woke up today and remembered something that happen while i was on H i almost bust into tears "you guys ever have those days?." I hate so many things mostly i hate feeling so diffrent all the time. I CAN'T even put into words what being a junkie has done to my life. Still one fight and H is the 1st thing i wanna reach for. I was thinking of this song when i woke up this am it made me sad i remembered begging for money on a highway off ramp puking every few mins in the rain on mothers day 2004. I don't wanna be there again in this life time.
Cindy's on methadone
she's through with the syringe
Cindy's on methadone
she's off on heroin
Cindy's on methadone
we're glad to have her home
She slept in vomit now
she sleeps on methadone but she
stopped ripping off her neighbors
stopped taking change from strangers
stopped shooting needles full of
dreams into her arms
she stopped calling at three thirty
stopped looking thin and dirty
stopped screaming bloody murder
when she got cut off
Awwwwwwwwww, oh man, look at you ya little cutie........and how cute is your little brother...........I L-O-V-E that photograph of ya with your Grand!
New days arising...........and yeah one little fight..........just had it yesterday.
It's like a freaking, blinking neon sign in your head going....."GET A BAG"
But you didn't...........and you ain't on no off ramp begging for change.....awful.
Told ya you was a tough chick.........good going.......picking up the money though..........ya SNATCH it like.........like slap your hand on it determinded and in your head is "Oh yeah well screw you cause see this money I'm going to get me some heroin"..............not audible of course.........well that's how I do anyway............but we didn't pick up.
New days arising...........and yeah one little fight..........just had it yesterday.
It's like a freaking, blinking neon sign in your head going....."GET A BAG"
But you didn't...........and you ain't on no off ramp begging for change.....awful.
Told ya you was a tough chick.........good going.......picking up the money though..........ya SNATCH it like.........like slap your hand on it determinded and in your head is "Oh yeah well screw you cause see this money I'm going to get me some heroin"..............not audible of course.........well that's how I do anyway............but we didn't pick up.
