Hi, All! I continue to read this forum almost daily. It gives me strength.
To refresh your memory, I am clean 17 months from ultram/tramadol- the vice that took over my life for about 3 years. My question is kinda a 2 part thing...
1st thing, My hubby hurt his back playing sports (he has no addiction history at all-- squeaky clean). My mom is recovering from cancer surgery and had Darvocets 100s at her house. Hubby asks me to ask her if he could have 2 of her meds cause he was in serious pain. I watched him for 2 nites in terrible pain. I told him I would ask. Long story short, she sent them to him..... VIA ME!!! Now Darvos certainly werent my DoC, but I would have taken them (in the past) So I am driving home with a ziplock baggies with 2 pills in it. Now Mom knew she gave me 2 pills and Hubby knew that 2 pills were supposed to be coming home.
Just staring at the pills gave me that "feeling". Of course, I didnt take them- but dont think that I didnt think about it. Anyway, later that night, hubby took one and he was in LALA land... I could tell. I almost became angry and I am guessing jealous that he got to take them. I found myself being short with him and very irritated. Is that normal??
2 days later, I had to play "transporter" again. I didn't feel as angry that time, but mainly confused as to why 2 ppl who knew about my addiction would let me carry pills back and forth. I know it was only 2--but still.
Well, hubby's back got a teeny bit better and about a week later, asked if he could have 1 or 2 more as a "stand by" in case he was hurt again. (now please keep in mind that there is no chance that he is an addict- he was in awful pain a week prior and wanted to have a pill or 2 as a safety net incase he hurt again) Anyway, this time I spoke up and told him that I just couldnt get them anymore. Not that I am gonna take them, but its my mental part that gets stirred up. I told him that if he needs something else to go straight to my mom and to leave me out of it. He then really pissed me off and said that he didnt feel comfortable going straight to my mom and that was fine he'll just "suffer in pain b/c you won't get them for me".
He has been so super through out my recovery. Very supportive. Constant reminders of how he loves me and will be there for me. SO this totally thru me. I know ppl say stuff when they are in pain, but damn-- use your brain. Don't ask an addict to get you pills. Am I crazy here? I just don't want even that 1% chance that I will use again.
Thanks for letting me vent. Much love to all~~~~
Hello,
I don't think your crazy at all. We have to put our recovery first, and its not going to kill him to ask your mother directly. If he's in that much pain, he really should go to the doctor and get his own prescription. If you had been pulled over, and those pills found, you could have been arrested for not having a legal script. It's just not worth it for many reasons.
Michelle
I don't think your crazy at all. We have to put our recovery first, and its not going to kill him to ask your mother directly. If he's in that much pain, he really should go to the doctor and get his own prescription. If you had been pulled over, and those pills found, you could have been arrested for not having a legal script. It's just not worth it for many reasons.
Michelle
When I was about 3 yrs clean I was working for a lawyer. He had just gotten rid of a guy that was working with him for relapsing. I was cleaning out the guy's desk and in the back was a vicodin, one of my DOCs. That damn thing called my name for hours. I didn't want to take it but I couldn't stop thinking it was there so I said screw it and flushed it. I had that flippy feeling in my stomach and everything. It scared the crap out of me. So yeah, you're normal on that. Or we're both abnormal. The people in your life that are having you handle their pills are not addicts. Maybe they think you are cured and that it is safe for you to handle them again. If you are uncomfortable, they don't know unless you tell them. Just explain to them how you feel.
Kat, I think you hit the nail on the head. I think that my family thinks I am "cured" since I don't use. They dont understand that I think about it everyday. And I Will continue to think about it... and it is NORMAL for a recovering addict to have those thoughts/feeling. This is a disease that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. Anyway, I did speak my mind. If things get worse with his pain, I will be sending Hubby to the dr for his own script that he can hide it or whatever... I just don't wanna know anything about it.
wow girlie!! kudos to you for not taking those pills, that was a position that was way too dangerous for you to be in, people places and things! we must avoid this to stay clean! of course non addicts dont understand and it looks like your mom and husband didnt realize what position you were put in, try to never EVER get in that situation again! we have to be selfish, and think of only us when it comes to anything drug related, sit down and let your mom and husband know, educate them, tell them PLEASE, i put 17 mos of recovery on the line here and i risked my life to help someone else in pain and that cannot ever happen again, hopefully they will understand, do you have a sponsor? you could share with her what happened and good job coming here and telling someone, we have to let out whats bugging us, i am learning that today, i want to isolate and bottle everything up and boom! i fall bad and then i pick myself up and try try again, one day at a time, like the serenity prayer states, jewels
p.s. no you were not wrong to be mad that your husband got to take those pills, i would feel the same way, whenever anyone is in the hospital or just had surgery i also think, gee i wish i could be taking some pain pills right now.... but i know better. stay strong and play that tape all the way thru!
p.s. no you were not wrong to be mad that your husband got to take those pills, i would feel the same way, whenever anyone is in the hospital or just had surgery i also think, gee i wish i could be taking some pain pills right now.... but i know better. stay strong and play that tape all the way thru!
I think that "normies" forget after awhile just how bad our addictions were and need a subtle reminder once and awhile...it stays fresh in my husband's mind because of all the meetings I attend, sponsor who I spend time with and now a new sponsee... (I love saying that...lol) But really, I think that at some point, they think we're "cured" and that it shouldn't be a problem anymore!
You absolutely did the right thing and refuse to be the go between. Stick to your guns and if he tries to make you feel guilty, that's on him, it's only on you if he succeeds. If he's in that kind of pain, he should see a dr, not your Mother. That's addictive behavior.
You absolutely did the right thing and refuse to be the go between. Stick to your guns and if he tries to make you feel guilty, that's on him, it's only on you if he succeeds. If he's in that kind of pain, he should see a dr, not your Mother. That's addictive behavior.