Jen, Sue, Con, and everyone - good points - thanks for the postings - thanks for listening and sharing our success and failures. I am going to try harder at Not enabling.
Really, we have done well this year. He is more clean and less out of control than the past two years. The beginning of the year started w rehab and hwh for 3 months, then a relapse, then hwh for 2 months. then on his own since june. It was beginning of Sept that the s#*t hit and found out he was behind in rent. and then figures out that
june/july relapse, Aug putting life back together, but not really, but kind-of, the landlord said he paid 300 in Aug. so that was a good week. lol. he had told someone his birthday was this month and its time to make a change for good.... so... that gave me hope... thats what led to my enabling this month of starting to pay back rent - no no no I am not in a hurry to pay it. He still owns it. I will just help a little so the land lord is not getting used. and you are all correct - HE KNOWS what he needs to do -- I have to chant that back to him. HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS.
(how do I stop being addicted to looking at this board and typing messages!!! UGH )
NY,
Don't be too hard on yourself. It's very hard for us to not "be moms". I liked what Sue said about them using our love for them to enable their addiction. It's not easy. I continue to work on it every day. I have to keep telling myself that my son isn't in rehab, he isn't away at summer camp, he's in jail because he's a drug addict that breaks the law to feed his addiction. Yes, they all know what they need to do and/or what's available as far as help goes. Or, at the very least, they're smart enough to score drugs, they can certainly figure out who to talk to.
Hang in there.
Hugs,
Michelle
Don't be too hard on yourself. It's very hard for us to not "be moms". I liked what Sue said about them using our love for them to enable their addiction. It's not easy. I continue to work on it every day. I have to keep telling myself that my son isn't in rehab, he isn't away at summer camp, he's in jail because he's a drug addict that breaks the law to feed his addiction. Yes, they all know what they need to do and/or what's available as far as help goes. Or, at the very least, they're smart enough to score drugs, they can certainly figure out who to talk to.
Hang in there.
Hugs,
Michelle
Hi --- for the months that I thought he was doing OK, I barely looked at my phone. I would put it down when I got home from work and forget to look at it again until I went to bed... I gotta do that again. Come home and focus on stuff I want to get done... like getting all the stuff out of my house so I can downsize!
LOL --- wouldnt it be a shock if my son called and I said "I'm too drunk to handle that now. Call me tomorrow! " HAHA. Or "I really dont feel like talking now" or say "yeah, I'll do that, and then dont" that's what HE does!
I have to add.... How many times have you heard "I'll pay you back" LOL LOL LOL That's a Belly Laugh! Oh, am I too cruel.... sorry kids
The $$ spent -- I could have paid cash and have 2 new cars in the driveway - for the $$ spent in 3 years.! (I am driving a 2002 model) But It is what it is. Embarrassing to admit. yeah, lets not go there! The important thing is that it aint happening no more! I dont regret this year. $$ spent on the rehab - it was a good one and he still lives near it and he can go back. maybe $$ well spent. The regret is the 2 years before when we were sucked in and didnt know what was going on for one year, and then trying to put out the fire the next year. This year - its on HIM.
Thank you ALL!
LOL --- wouldnt it be a shock if my son called and I said "I'm too drunk to handle that now. Call me tomorrow! " HAHA. Or "I really dont feel like talking now" or say "yeah, I'll do that, and then dont" that's what HE does!
I have to add.... How many times have you heard "I'll pay you back" LOL LOL LOL That's a Belly Laugh! Oh, am I too cruel.... sorry kids
The $$ spent -- I could have paid cash and have 2 new cars in the driveway - for the $$ spent in 3 years.! (I am driving a 2002 model) But It is what it is. Embarrassing to admit. yeah, lets not go there! The important thing is that it aint happening no more! I dont regret this year. $$ spent on the rehab - it was a good one and he still lives near it and he can go back. maybe $$ well spent. The regret is the 2 years before when we were sucked in and didnt know what was going on for one year, and then trying to put out the fire the next year. This year - its on HIM.
Thank you ALL!
helplessness,NY, Con, and all---
You are all right! We have all been addicted to enabling our kids, I have been doing it for 20 plus yrs. All my efforts which were meant to help have been for naught. Listen to my story because you will all be in the same situation when you are my age--70! My son is 45 and still struggles with all the wonderful results from being a druggie. Homeless, living out of a car we bought him, trying to feel loved by his two dogs when he can't feed or take care of himself, no food ,no gas, cops running him off of where ever he parks each night and on and on and on. He has used many women that have enabled and supported him and said they did it cause they loved him. Now as he has aged, lost his teeth, gone bald, looks like crap, and is sick they have dumped him!
We have enabled him for as long as I can remember. We have helped him every time he said "this is it and I need help and I am going to rehab and I am going to get clean and I am so sick--please help me". What else would a mom do? Of course we helped him?
Yes, we helped him to not be able to take care of himself, not function as an adult, not pay bills, not keep a job, not pay for the necessities of life, but buy drugs which were his necessities of life!
Now after this many years ,it is probably too late for any miracles, because that is what it would take after all this time, 2 prison sentences, 3 rehabs, 3 hwh, and on and on.
We no longer are enablers! We no longer give him money or anything! He hates us! He no longer speaks to us or contacts us! He has called us every name in the book and wished us dead! High price to pay ,but very necessary if he is to live and survive!
I think the message I am trying to put across is that you are all young and have time to make a difference in your addicts life by stopping the enabling and just maybe they will turn around and make the right choices, if they don't have you to pick them up, dust them off, and try again and again to make their lives right when they are the only ones who can--
I believe that it is up to God to save my son. He has given me some peace through all of this and I praise Him for that. It is the first time in a long time that I have had that relief.
Do I feel that my son will survive all this and be ok? No, I don't. I do know that I finally have peace of mind that God will take care of him. Maybe it won't be like I planned-- but then I am not in control anymore!
Praying for all of you --hugs to all!
You are all right! We have all been addicted to enabling our kids, I have been doing it for 20 plus yrs. All my efforts which were meant to help have been for naught. Listen to my story because you will all be in the same situation when you are my age--70! My son is 45 and still struggles with all the wonderful results from being a druggie. Homeless, living out of a car we bought him, trying to feel loved by his two dogs when he can't feed or take care of himself, no food ,no gas, cops running him off of where ever he parks each night and on and on and on. He has used many women that have enabled and supported him and said they did it cause they loved him. Now as he has aged, lost his teeth, gone bald, looks like crap, and is sick they have dumped him!
We have enabled him for as long as I can remember. We have helped him every time he said "this is it and I need help and I am going to rehab and I am going to get clean and I am so sick--please help me". What else would a mom do? Of course we helped him?
Yes, we helped him to not be able to take care of himself, not function as an adult, not pay bills, not keep a job, not pay for the necessities of life, but buy drugs which were his necessities of life!
Now after this many years ,it is probably too late for any miracles, because that is what it would take after all this time, 2 prison sentences, 3 rehabs, 3 hwh, and on and on.
We no longer are enablers! We no longer give him money or anything! He hates us! He no longer speaks to us or contacts us! He has called us every name in the book and wished us dead! High price to pay ,but very necessary if he is to live and survive!
I think the message I am trying to put across is that you are all young and have time to make a difference in your addicts life by stopping the enabling and just maybe they will turn around and make the right choices, if they don't have you to pick them up, dust them off, and try again and again to make their lives right when they are the only ones who can--
I believe that it is up to God to save my son. He has given me some peace through all of this and I praise Him for that. It is the first time in a long time that I have had that relief.
Do I feel that my son will survive all this and be ok? No, I don't. I do know that I finally have peace of mind that God will take care of him. Maybe it won't be like I planned-- but then I am not in control anymore!
Praying for all of you --hugs to all!
Duchess
Thank you for sharing. I think of you often and what you have gone through with your son. My son is 21 and started using at 13 years old. He's from a good family and we have done everything. It doesn't matter where you came from or if you are rich or poor. It can happy to anyone.
His dad and I was on the same page helping save (enable) our son. Maybe at the time we were not enabling because he was so young but after his dad died, I continued to help. Well, he has turned 21 and now a man. It's been difficult because he was so young when he started and now he's a man....because he still acts like a child.
I know I'm rambling but I'm working hard to stop the enabling.
I pray your son turns things around.
Z is still at the Christian shelter ...9 days but he called yesterday and said he can't make it 6 months. I just told him to give it his all and take it 1 day at a time and let's see where he is in a month. It's weird...for the longest I just thought he was partying. I never really believed he was an addict or maybe I just didn't want to believe.
Sorry for the rambling!
Hugs
Paula
Thank you for sharing. I think of you often and what you have gone through with your son. My son is 21 and started using at 13 years old. He's from a good family and we have done everything. It doesn't matter where you came from or if you are rich or poor. It can happy to anyone.
His dad and I was on the same page helping save (enable) our son. Maybe at the time we were not enabling because he was so young but after his dad died, I continued to help. Well, he has turned 21 and now a man. It's been difficult because he was so young when he started and now he's a man....because he still acts like a child.
I know I'm rambling but I'm working hard to stop the enabling.
I pray your son turns things around.
Z is still at the Christian shelter ...9 days but he called yesterday and said he can't make it 6 months. I just told him to give it his all and take it 1 day at a time and let's see where he is in a month. It's weird...for the longest I just thought he was partying. I never really believed he was an addict or maybe I just didn't want to believe.
Sorry for the rambling!
Hugs
Paula
