Hi everyone, It's been a long time since I've posted. I have not had such a good past few months. October 15th I actually got exposed to whooping cough. I didn't know it at the time, but it's very contageous and making a comeback in the adult population, so get immunized! I was really sick for a couple of weeks and thought I had a sinus infection. After the really bad symptoms went away I started with a cough that was so violent that it made me throw up and get nosebleeds. That is commom with whooping cough. I also lost my voice for over a month from coughing so much. Needless to say I wasn't sleeping because I was having so much fun coughing all night. I finally went to a doctor and he prescribed a narcotic cough medicine. I had tried all of the OTC ones, but they didn't work at all. With the first dose I knew I was in trouble. I took it 3 times and poured it down the sink. That was on Thanksgiving. I went to a pulmonary doctor and he prescribed a pill that had hydrocodone in it. I took that medicine until the bottle was gone...20 pills. I actually was taking 3 pills a day instead of 2. I have a catering business and was our busiest season and I didn't want to be coughing at all of the events...or that's what I told myself. I called the doctor and cancelled the refill and told him to call the pharmacy because they had called me to pick it up. That was tough and I cried when I hung up the phone. So I was doing not so great still because I exercise a lot and with this illness I hadn't been able to hike. My fiancee bought me an eliptical machine and I am using that 5-6 days a week, but it's not the same and I feel very unfit and disgusting. All during this time our business has been booming. It is up 70% over last Dec which was our best month of all time, so you can imagine the stress. Last Dec was our first sober Dec in this business by the way. So Jan 6th we had a big event and I was in the kitchen and there was a major stress that I was dealing with. I open the refrigerator and there is a bottle of cough medicine in there. I look at the label and see it was filled 9 months ago, so I just took a big slug of it. I did that 2 more times. That night I couldn't sleep because I was so itchy and miserable and guilty and ashamed. I told my fiancee last Wed and what could he say? He was just glad I didn't keep going I guess. So we were on our vacation and with the cold weather we didn't hike or anything...we just ate and I already feel fat and out of shape and being fit is very important to me. So we go to an open house and I am looking at the bathroom and I open the medicine cabinet and there is a bottle of demerol. I close it and just am stunned. I hear my fiancee talking to the lady in the other room and I open it again and take 4 pills. I took two later on and then one that night and one the next morning. I feel like crap. I am losing control here. I should have posted back when I first got sick, but I didn't. I haven't been sleeping well and today I have a stomachache like when I was withdrawing. I am just feeling like giving up. Plus, now again our busines is just so busy, there is no time I feel to help myself. I know I need to go to a meeting. I haven't gone to them and I should have been going. I had been doing well when I can get my exercise and was healthy, but I feel like a loser with this cough. It lasts 100 days and I have a few more weeks to go. I know I am an addict and I was an IV drug addict and ended up on heroin in the end. I have so much shame about myself and it was there even before I ever used drugs. I just feel like it's impossible for me to ever like myself at all. I am 40 years old and I'm just so tired of fighting to make my life worth living. I would not kill myself, I have my pets that rely on me. I am really sad right now. Thanks for listening. I just needed to tell you guys that I feel really bad. CAS.
cas.................
please keep on posting..............
welcome back !.......
i said a prayer for you just NOW.
big *hug*
thumper
please keep on posting..............
welcome back !.......
i said a prayer for you just NOW.
big *hug*
thumper
Cas...
Thank you for sharing....it's okay and by being honest, telling on yourself, you have put the ball in motion to get back on the right tract...For me, getting off drugs/alcohol wasn't the hard part, it was learning to live life on life's terms that became the difficult part. For me, though, it took a few relapses to realize that and it seemed like when life was busy and good, I could stay on track and away from the pills but when that curve ball came, and I wasn't expecting it, I wallowed around for awhile and always went back to what was familiar to ease whatever pain, physical or emotional. I finally got tired of trying to do it on my own so I surrendered and did something different...I started to attend AA meetings where I found I am not so unique, nor special and it seems that no matter what life throws at me, there's somebody in the fellowship that has gone through something similar and is willing to help me through whatever I am going through....The meetings are free and they will welcome you with open arms...
I will say a prayer for you...I too am a busy person, I work full-time and raising 4 children who are very active in sports but I can always find an hour or an hour & 1/2 to hit a meeting.....
Be gentle with yourself...no need to beat yourself up, brush yourself off and try something different this time....I have followed your story & you have come so far, don't let it all slip away....
Take care,
Stacey
Thank you for sharing....it's okay and by being honest, telling on yourself, you have put the ball in motion to get back on the right tract...For me, getting off drugs/alcohol wasn't the hard part, it was learning to live life on life's terms that became the difficult part. For me, though, it took a few relapses to realize that and it seemed like when life was busy and good, I could stay on track and away from the pills but when that curve ball came, and I wasn't expecting it, I wallowed around for awhile and always went back to what was familiar to ease whatever pain, physical or emotional. I finally got tired of trying to do it on my own so I surrendered and did something different...I started to attend AA meetings where I found I am not so unique, nor special and it seems that no matter what life throws at me, there's somebody in the fellowship that has gone through something similar and is willing to help me through whatever I am going through....The meetings are free and they will welcome you with open arms...
I will say a prayer for you...I too am a busy person, I work full-time and raising 4 children who are very active in sports but I can always find an hour or an hour & 1/2 to hit a meeting.....
Be gentle with yourself...no need to beat yourself up, brush yourself off and try something different this time....I have followed your story & you have come so far, don't let it all slip away....
Take care,
Stacey
CAS...........Start all over.You haven't gone so far that w/d's might be a huge problem.This is how it started up for me more times than I can tell you.It's a disease and once it gets in your system,it doesn't matter how smart or successful you are.The end results are the same.
You've come a long way and you don't have to keep going with this.I remember your story and it wasn't pretty.I even think a little smack was involved.
I know you feel guilty and when you're in that place,it's easy to say F*ck It! I've already slipped so I might as well enjoy the whole ride.That's where the insanity starts playing out.You know where this is going to go.
There may be a reason why this has
happened.If you've poured all your time in becoming successful and more or less forgot about your addiction and recovery,it's a wake up call.This isn't going away and maybe it's time to start focusing on your recovery.Are there some NA meetings where you live?
I have missed seing you on here and know you were a powerhouse with your story.None of that has changed.You had a relapse.If you have any narcs left,trash them now.I don't think you've crossed that line yet if you're being honest.
I'm getting ready to leave but I will make sure when I return to bump this thread up.
Man,it's so good to see you.
My e-mail if you want to talk.
timlincoln@aol.com
You've come a long way and you don't have to keep going with this.I remember your story and it wasn't pretty.I even think a little smack was involved.
I know you feel guilty and when you're in that place,it's easy to say F*ck It! I've already slipped so I might as well enjoy the whole ride.That's where the insanity starts playing out.You know where this is going to go.
There may be a reason why this has
happened.If you've poured all your time in becoming successful and more or less forgot about your addiction and recovery,it's a wake up call.This isn't going away and maybe it's time to start focusing on your recovery.Are there some NA meetings where you live?
I have missed seing you on here and know you were a powerhouse with your story.None of that has changed.You had a relapse.If you have any narcs left,trash them now.I don't think you've crossed that line yet if you're being honest.
I'm getting ready to leave but I will make sure when I return to bump this thread up.
Man,it's so good to see you.
My e-mail if you want to talk.
timlincoln@aol.com
You guys, thanks for the replies. I know the right thing to do. I really needed to just confess this before it kept on going. I don't have any drugs. I am being honest. I know that secrets keep you sick and if I actually wanted to stay sick I wouldn't be posting here at all. I'm glad I finally posted. I have started to many times. I know I have not been in recovery, only abstinent and it's true that I was feeling okay, but I did have a feeling that if anything went wrong that I would be in trouble. So I got this cough and things went down, especially since narcotics are what supress a cough. I put a call into my friend who is in AA, so I will get to a meeting this weekend. CAS.
cas...............
stacey and tim are right on.............
excellent advice...........beautiful advice..............
so much wisdom and kindness they give so freely...............
so nice to see you posting..........
please post again............
just stop now and thats ok...............
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((cas))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
thumper
stacey and tim are right on.............
excellent advice...........beautiful advice..............
so much wisdom and kindness they give so freely...............
so nice to see you posting..........
please post again............
just stop now and thats ok...............
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((cas))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
thumper
Hey CAS, I remember your story, too, and your strength and determination. You have caught yourself this time before it's gotten too bad out of hand, thank God. Don't let it get any worse.
Getting yourself to a meeting is an excellent idea. There you will find so many just like yourself, and they will understand. You are not a loser at all, and that guilt can only make things worse. We've all been there,and suffered the guilt, but in the end, there is no reason. Especially today, coming here and sharing your story, should make you proud.
You've taken the first step, not keep going. The other addicts in the meetings will absolutey tell you and show you there is no room today for guilt. Please go and let them help you.
CAS-Stick around this time.You really helped a lot of people and still can.I'm glad you called your friend.How is your husband doing?
Get rid of the guilt.It's not going to help.
This whole thing could've gotten a lot uglier.
I'm glad to see you posting.
Get rid of the guilt.It's not going to help.
This whole thing could've gotten a lot uglier.
I'm glad to see you posting.
Thumper, Tim, Stacey. Carol, Your words are soothing to me. Thank you. I was seeing a counselor for a while, but she began to fall asleep in our sessions and I never said anything. I just quit going because I just didn't know what to say, but it made me feel like how can she be listening when she if fighting to stay awake! I should have said something and should still tell her why I stopped going. My ex-husband isn't doing so great. He got caught by the state board of nursing and was forced into meetings and drug testing, etc. I think he wanted to get caught, but he is lying a lot to his parents, me, his now ex-wife who he still lives with and doesn't tell anyone they are divorced. She told me they have been divorced for many months now. He has been depressed to the point of not getting out of bed much for over a year and he just started on some meds, but I don't know what he tells different people. His ex-wife tells me that he's not doing well. Maybe the meds will help. I hope so. My fiancee is doing great, but he is a workaholic and has his business. I am not a workaholic at all, so I just feel so lost I can't tell you. I know things can be better than this though. I know being sick has been difficult for me, but it's not like I won't get better. I need to learn how to somehow accept myself. I never have and that led to addictions of all kinds starting with food, exercise and then drugs. I have thought about posting everyday and yet, I didn't. Maybe my brain was trying to get me back to the big dopamine lifestyle. It is so sneaky that it's unbeliveable! CAS.
CAS...it's been awhile..I remember you well...what an honest post! Wow...I have been guilty of looking in medicine calinets and took some vicodin once while I was babysitting(nice)So don't beat yourself up. I am acutely aware of how very difficult it is to be ill and have to function while narcotics are being offered up to you in a way that can make you rationalize their use. It sucks. My predicament is not disimilar...I decided to just "give in" last May after a bad year and go on pain mgt. Yeah right. 1/ 5 mg. oxycodone twice a day. By December it was 90 + a day and all I could say was "Well, the holidays, and work, and...you know the rest. There is never a good time to quit...especially when you are ill. But you did tel on yourself and I believe you will come out of this fine. Just start again and come here if you find it helps(God knows...it helps me) I don't think I would have had that my control...would have probably stolen the bottle and binged. It always comes back to you. Now...I turned 50 this year and my goal is to be clean and serene...and as healthy as possible. I wish you all the best...Love, Sharonn
Cas,
Try not to beat yourself up. You were an iv user and on heroin and you have put that behind you so far. That is still something to be very proud of. At least with these slips you have recognized them as such and realize you need help. You definitely sound like someone who could use constant meetings to get your fears out in the open and discuss your setbacks. Its too bad your therapist was not much help. Sometimes we hear a million opinions and then boom all of a sudden something we hear makes sense to us. Was there anyway you could have taken the medicine prescribed for you in a controlled way? Have someone dispense to you? Its a shame that you would have to suffer with such a bad cough and no relief. You dont have to "punish" yourself and deny ALL medicine. It almost sounds as if you placed more guilt on yourself for being sick. In any event, you do know that these recent slips do spell potential future trouble. Nip it in the bud now. You should not have withdrawals too bad that you cant work thru them. Find people who will listen to you and work with you.
Try not to beat yourself up. You were an iv user and on heroin and you have put that behind you so far. That is still something to be very proud of. At least with these slips you have recognized them as such and realize you need help. You definitely sound like someone who could use constant meetings to get your fears out in the open and discuss your setbacks. Its too bad your therapist was not much help. Sometimes we hear a million opinions and then boom all of a sudden something we hear makes sense to us. Was there anyway you could have taken the medicine prescribed for you in a controlled way? Have someone dispense to you? Its a shame that you would have to suffer with such a bad cough and no relief. You dont have to "punish" yourself and deny ALL medicine. It almost sounds as if you placed more guilt on yourself for being sick. In any event, you do know that these recent slips do spell potential future trouble. Nip it in the bud now. You should not have withdrawals too bad that you cant work thru them. Find people who will listen to you and work with you.
Cas...
I understand and can so relate to that....What I have found by working the 12steps is acceptance. I have also learned that alcohol/drugs are not the problem, I am...my thinking, my actions, my reactions, my inability to live life...hell, I am like a 12yr old girl learning all over again but I have found so many other woman that understand and get me that it was like taking the whole world off of my shoulders and being able to walk again....some times I walk pretty good, sometimes I stumble and then there are days where I have to walk holding somebody elses hand but I keep walking forward and for me, that is a miracle. I owe my life to those who love me for who I am, and accept me just like I am....You can have this too...Honest, open and willing...raise your hand and let them know you are a newcomer and let them help you as it helps them too....Do this for yourself, you deserve a shot at happiness, peace and serenity and it's there for you to have....
God bless,
Stacey
| QUOTE |
| I need to learn how to somehow accept myself. I never have and that led to addictions of all kinds starting with food, exercise and then drugs. |
I understand and can so relate to that....What I have found by working the 12steps is acceptance. I have also learned that alcohol/drugs are not the problem, I am...my thinking, my actions, my reactions, my inability to live life...hell, I am like a 12yr old girl learning all over again but I have found so many other woman that understand and get me that it was like taking the whole world off of my shoulders and being able to walk again....some times I walk pretty good, sometimes I stumble and then there are days where I have to walk holding somebody elses hand but I keep walking forward and for me, that is a miracle. I owe my life to those who love me for who I am, and accept me just like I am....You can have this too...Honest, open and willing...raise your hand and let them know you are a newcomer and let them help you as it helps them too....Do this for yourself, you deserve a shot at happiness, peace and serenity and it's there for you to have....
God bless,
Stacey
Addictions IMHO are just a way of filling up that void inside you..it is a bottomless pit unless it is filled from within. Whether it's pills, booze, sex,gambling, food, exercising...it can all be done to excess. Cas..you are WAY too hard on yourself...not that you shouldn't be truthful....but shame...c'mon...we all are a bunch of addicts here...please sweetie...no shame. Be proud that you caught yourself....and continue on. I was bulimic, an exercise addict, a lottery junkie..you name it. A big ol' pillhead. And was any of this really making me happy. I surrendered to GOd(as I know him) and looked inward. It's like cleaning out a closet of junk....keep going and soon you have a nice neat organized closet where you can FIND what you want...a weird analogy perhaps, but you get it. Relapse is part of the disease and it surely bites. You are worth it. I totally understand the "fat,ugly" thing as I have gained 20 lbs in the last 2 years. I will probably gain more due to coming off my pills and using prednisone and elavil. Is sobriety worth it? Hell yeah!!! I can always lose the weight. remember, first things first. Love, Sharonn
That's exactly what addictions are Sharon and they can be anything.
Cass-Most definitely tell your therapist that.I felt the same way a couple of times and at one session I just let it out.I told her I felt like a number and also I didn't like her running late to my appointments.If I was going to be on time,she could............never had a problem after and I would quiz her too about what we talked about the last time.The b*tch started taking notes afterward.LOL
It's going to get better Cass.I always remember you were the type that just laid it on the line.There was no fluff.I always respected that about you which is why I'm not surprised at your candor today.
You can't dress this disease up to look better than it is.It's nasty.
I got to a desperate place and I don't ever want to go back.I was banging oxy's and a couple times I know I was just tethering on the edge between life and death.My slips always started with a little shot of Hycodan syrup or maybe some Percocets because my finger was hurting.LOL..It seemed so benign at the time.
i'm glad you're going to that meeting with your friend.Give it a chance.Not everyone likes AA but hopefully you will hear your story.I sure did.
Good Luck
Cass-Most definitely tell your therapist that.I felt the same way a couple of times and at one session I just let it out.I told her I felt like a number and also I didn't like her running late to my appointments.If I was going to be on time,she could............never had a problem after and I would quiz her too about what we talked about the last time.The b*tch started taking notes afterward.LOL
It's going to get better Cass.I always remember you were the type that just laid it on the line.There was no fluff.I always respected that about you which is why I'm not surprised at your candor today.
You can't dress this disease up to look better than it is.It's nasty.
I got to a desperate place and I don't ever want to go back.I was banging oxy's and a couple times I know I was just tethering on the edge between life and death.My slips always started with a little shot of Hycodan syrup or maybe some Percocets because my finger was hurting.LOL..It seemed so benign at the time.
i'm glad you're going to that meeting with your friend.Give it a chance.Not everyone likes AA but hopefully you will hear your story.I sure did.
Good Luck
CAS,
I hope you know your situation is important and I hope the other threads dont throw you off. Its really great that you came here to get this off your chest and out in the open - thats the only way you can begin to deal with it. Im interested to know how you do.
I hope you know your situation is important and I hope the other threads dont throw you off. Its really great that you came here to get this off your chest and out in the open - thats the only way you can begin to deal with it. Im interested to know how you do.
