Hi to Everyone..
Hope all are Well.
Well I just wanted to post and let you know, cause I know, that I am really not trying this quitting thing, remotely hard enough...Shame on Me..
I have cut back a lot from the weeks before, but certainly could cut back more, esp,. today, I mean it's not like I had something important to do..I could have just done one , even Non.. It's raining and I don't need to go outside for any reason..Why the Hell couldn't I have just said NO>>>>>???????!!!!!!!
????? But say NO to myself when it comes to these ******Pills???No!!!
To Clothes, Good Food, Sure.....and heres the even sicker part..I have said a million times "This is the last $100.00 Im putting out for this ****!!
Well don't I have yet another excuse.!!!!!.You Bet...
I do not really even feel good from these pills anymore,, no evergy,Well very little, like before.. and then when I think about taking more, I think .,,Well you didn't like the way you felt last time...But It just doesn't stop!!!
And to be perfectly honest with all of you..Im so Sick that sometimes when I read that people have taken 20 or 40, I think, Well I can do more.....!!!
Like I have said before ,,I already have a Bad Liver, You think that would stop me.??
And again, honestly , when I hear people say how hard it is, and how even after months and years, let alone days, they still want to use...well I just think No Way...I Just Can't Do this...!!! My Mom use to always say growing up "Can't means you Won't" I really had no idea what she was talking about then, Nor did I care..But Im catching on now..
Im telling you guys, it was like my Mom and Dad were super,I don't know what you call it,, But they were amazing, and all of my life I just thought No Way Man ..I could never be like them..!!!
I surely didn't have to go this far to the extreme..!!!!
Someone spoke on one of the boards here about counceling..spelled wrong,sorry dead brain cells>>>anyway,,Im sure most people came from a disfunctional family,,If not all...I mean we all weren't raised by Dr. Phil...!!!
But why look under stones, when the real problem is on the surface..
It just doesn't matter how you were treated..
What does matter is how you treat yourself..
And as far as the way some of the docs treat us..Well again,,,I don't like it, but I do think I earned it....
Im just loving a doc. who tells me everything I want to hear...
But God forbid he says something a little too close to the bone..
I instantly get the F*** Its...!! Truth Hurts... Sure Does...
They are right De-Nial is Not just a River in Egypt!!!!!
Well this board has given me many things..including.....
#1. Friends and confidants..
#2. Hope
#3. Acceptance
#4. Hopefully the Strenght to Find My Own Way the Right Way..
Thank you to all.
Love and Hugs.
Di
Hi Di,
I hear ya. You just described me to a tee. I'm battling myself as well and can't figure out why I keep doing all this crap to myself. And boy do I have a lot of excuses. The excuses don't mean jack either, bottom line is I know I have to do this and just when I start to feel the slightest discomfort I'm off to the races again. I don't even want to talk to any of the friends I made on here. I keep saying now I'm going to do it and like I said, A little discomfort and I'm running.
I'm beginning to think why not just die. Death is where I'm heading anyway. I just can't stop myself. Or maybe like your mother said, Won't. I'm my biggest enemy. Anything good happens for me and I sabatoge it all. I hate life. Sometimes I wish I were dead, who know's, maybe I'm a lot closer to that then I think.
I hear ya. You just described me to a tee. I'm battling myself as well and can't figure out why I keep doing all this crap to myself. And boy do I have a lot of excuses. The excuses don't mean jack either, bottom line is I know I have to do this and just when I start to feel the slightest discomfort I'm off to the races again. I don't even want to talk to any of the friends I made on here. I keep saying now I'm going to do it and like I said, A little discomfort and I'm running.
I'm beginning to think why not just die. Death is where I'm heading anyway. I just can't stop myself. Or maybe like your mother said, Won't. I'm my biggest enemy. Anything good happens for me and I sabatoge it all. I hate life. Sometimes I wish I were dead, who know's, maybe I'm a lot closer to that then I think.
Yo Liz..
Come on Pal,,,Hang in There..
I was just getting ready to sign off, as I was making myself even sicker with my honesty, and I happen to read your post..
Believe me...You know I know what you are feeling..
Im so sick I almost said..." Well call me and we'll do it together.."we're going down anyway,
Im so deep into the forest, I Cannot See the Trees....
Listen, Your My Friend, and I need you..we all do Im sure!!! You need you!!
Maybe when we get Really Sick and Tired , and I mean Really, (that is of course if we don't die first)..We will stop..
We do take dying so lightly,,, but even though I've said it..when someone tells me their gonna end it I say.."Listen,,did you ever see anyone take their last dying breath without a fight..??"" I haven't ..I could be the first though...
It's gotta be the Pills...Ya Think>>>>>!!!!!!!!??????
But again, in all honesty, maybe you and I just can't cut the mustard..
Maybe we just Won't.
I know also what you mean about a little discomfort..
Christ I take a pain pill when I have a hang nail,
Sometimes, before I get one./
and now Im reading about getting headaches from w/d. and more depression...
I really don't think Im strong enough,,,I not even a good canidate for aging...You gotta be tough to get old and well lets just say, when the parties over, and lifes a drag..Well Im out of here.
I watched my Mom and Dad do things and knew then and know now..I just can't, or Won't
Even when I see the Old People in the Stores I think...God Bless them I just couldn't do it..
Besides not having the strength physically, Im just too vain for aging....
I use to say, "If my Liver was on My Face, You can bet I wouldn't be doing this stupid S**T!!!!
Lets see how I can customize my wardrobe to match my Yellow Skin,
I mean Im pretty good with make-up, But hiding all that,,,Come On!!!!
And how to get out of this without any pain..????what if I mess things up,?????
Listen Liz.You just try, like they tell me, not to beat yourself up too much..
I don't know if thats a good thing to say, or not. but I doubt if you need any more beating up..Your doing fine on your on.. As I am....
Im here for you always.
Love and Hugs.to You and all.
Di
Come on Pal,,,Hang in There..
I was just getting ready to sign off, as I was making myself even sicker with my honesty, and I happen to read your post..
Believe me...You know I know what you are feeling..
Im so sick I almost said..." Well call me and we'll do it together.."we're going down anyway,
Im so deep into the forest, I Cannot See the Trees....
Listen, Your My Friend, and I need you..we all do Im sure!!! You need you!!
Maybe when we get Really Sick and Tired , and I mean Really, (that is of course if we don't die first)..We will stop..
We do take dying so lightly,,, but even though I've said it..when someone tells me their gonna end it I say.."Listen,,did you ever see anyone take their last dying breath without a fight..??"" I haven't ..I could be the first though...
It's gotta be the Pills...Ya Think>>>>>!!!!!!!!??????
But again, in all honesty, maybe you and I just can't cut the mustard..
Maybe we just Won't.
I know also what you mean about a little discomfort..
Christ I take a pain pill when I have a hang nail,
Sometimes, before I get one./
and now Im reading about getting headaches from w/d. and more depression...
I really don't think Im strong enough,,,I not even a good canidate for aging...You gotta be tough to get old and well lets just say, when the parties over, and lifes a drag..Well Im out of here.
I watched my Mom and Dad do things and knew then and know now..I just can't, or Won't
Even when I see the Old People in the Stores I think...God Bless them I just couldn't do it..
Besides not having the strength physically, Im just too vain for aging....
I use to say, "If my Liver was on My Face, You can bet I wouldn't be doing this stupid S**T!!!!
Lets see how I can customize my wardrobe to match my Yellow Skin,
I mean Im pretty good with make-up, But hiding all that,,,Come On!!!!
And how to get out of this without any pain..????what if I mess things up,?????
Listen Liz.You just try, like they tell me, not to beat yourself up too much..
I don't know if thats a good thing to say, or not. but I doubt if you need any more beating up..Your doing fine on your on.. As I am....
Im here for you always.
Love and Hugs.to You and all.
Di
Try replacing the words "I can't do it" with "I get to do it".
Simple enough, but life changing if you start using them in your thought process.
We've all been where you are now and feel your pain, fear, disgust etc.... nobody beats us up better than we do ourselves. I am a master at it.
Cowgirl
Simple enough, but life changing if you start using them in your thought process.
We've all been where you are now and feel your pain, fear, disgust etc.... nobody beats us up better than we do ourselves. I am a master at it.
Cowgirl
Thanks Cowgirl..
I needed that,
Right along with the letter I just received from one of my e-mail friends..
I answered one of her questions on one other message board and we have been e-mail ever since...
She has been trying to help me. and does as much as I let her.
I had no idea that she was sick...
Today she wrote me that she has irreversable Liver Damage..end Stages..
Now how am I looking????
Although she had quit using years ago, she is now having to deal with one of the horrible consequences resulting from her use..
You know when peole use to say to me things like " that will cause Cancer, or that will damage your Liver, " I use to think...Well Im fine....If it didn't happen instantly I thought I was the exception to the rule... WRONG!!!!!!WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!!
Exception my a**, there are none..
This post is not for my selfish self, as usual...
This is for anyone who think that they will come away unscaved by this horrible addiction....
I have pushed everything to the Max. and I am gonna pay for it...
Im hoping this letter will at least help One person..
Don't think, like I did, that it can't happen to you...
It is happening...and it will only get worse..
If you can't learn from your own mistakes, please learn from ours..We've made enough of them....
Love and Hugs to All.
Di
I needed that,
Right along with the letter I just received from one of my e-mail friends..
I answered one of her questions on one other message board and we have been e-mail ever since...
She has been trying to help me. and does as much as I let her.
I had no idea that she was sick...
Today she wrote me that she has irreversable Liver Damage..end Stages..
Now how am I looking????
Although she had quit using years ago, she is now having to deal with one of the horrible consequences resulting from her use..
You know when peole use to say to me things like " that will cause Cancer, or that will damage your Liver, " I use to think...Well Im fine....If it didn't happen instantly I thought I was the exception to the rule... WRONG!!!!!!WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!!
Exception my a**, there are none..
This post is not for my selfish self, as usual...
This is for anyone who think that they will come away unscaved by this horrible addiction....
I have pushed everything to the Max. and I am gonna pay for it...
Im hoping this letter will at least help One person..
Don't think, like I did, that it can't happen to you...
It is happening...and it will only get worse..
If you can't learn from your own mistakes, please learn from ours..We've made enough of them....
Love and Hugs to All.
Di
Diana, you can do it..
But I must admit, you are making me want to drink.
kerry
But I must admit, you are making me want to drink.
kerry
Dear Dianna,
My dear friend, Cowgirl, gave you an excellent quote. You can do this for yourself, Dianna. You need to.
We're all here to help. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, Dianna.
Ben
My dear friend, Cowgirl, gave you an excellent quote. You can do this for yourself, Dianna. You need to.
We're all here to help. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, Dianna.
Ben
Dianna,
Tough night? I remember. I think one of the most insidious things about active addiction is that it not only leaves you feeling misearble and hopleless, but also convinces you that it can't change -- that you'll always think and feel that way, or that using again is inevitable, so why quit now? It's all false, an untrue reality created by active addiction. Having read people's stories for a while on this Board, it seems like for many, tapering only fuels this kind of doom & gloom addictive thinking....because most addicts simply can't successfully taper. It's not within our capability once the addiction has progressed to a certain point. We're not supposed to be able to! And each failed attempt simply reinforces the doom & gloom thinking and convinces the person they can't to it, or aren't worthy, etc. It's all nonsense, but it seems to happen over and over again.
It seems like until you're ready to let go of the pills entirely, recovery just can't take hold. You sound like you're very close to that point...like you've just had it with the whole thing.....like you want to get a new life while you still can. I wish I could help you get there quicker, but boy, know that I'm solidly in your corner throughout. We all are. Hang in, M.
Tough night? I remember. I think one of the most insidious things about active addiction is that it not only leaves you feeling misearble and hopleless, but also convinces you that it can't change -- that you'll always think and feel that way, or that using again is inevitable, so why quit now? It's all false, an untrue reality created by active addiction. Having read people's stories for a while on this Board, it seems like for many, tapering only fuels this kind of doom & gloom addictive thinking....because most addicts simply can't successfully taper. It's not within our capability once the addiction has progressed to a certain point. We're not supposed to be able to! And each failed attempt simply reinforces the doom & gloom thinking and convinces the person they can't to it, or aren't worthy, etc. It's all nonsense, but it seems to happen over and over again.
It seems like until you're ready to let go of the pills entirely, recovery just can't take hold. You sound like you're very close to that point...like you've just had it with the whole thing.....like you want to get a new life while you still can. I wish I could help you get there quicker, but boy, know that I'm solidly in your corner throughout. We all are. Hang in, M.
