Insomnia is my constant companion also. (I do manage a bit of sleep here and there) but the same as you described it..Unrewarding... i tried to nap this afternoon when miss 2 did...but my mind wandered endlessly! Alas, just as i can feel my self sinking into freedom..MUMMA MUMMA! the words ring out and im back from what would have been my island paradise!. I have a bit of an appetite at the moment and feel i have probably gorged a little to much...im used to eating barely 1 full meal a day and maybe a snack thrown in for good measure...But last night and today, i have eaten a small horse...and im paying for it...im so bloated and full...my stomach is actually agonisingly sore to touch...especially just above my belly button....very tender indeed....it sounds as though you are getting stronger and stronger everyday! And you carry your determination well...its such a rewarding feeling to know your powering thru! Do you feel the same? Im feeling very low tonight...tired, drained, hungover slightly! But in N+ CLEAN.. and at the moment, thats my main focus!!!! 3 years of drug abuse and im finally feeling like im winning....Im an addict, whose no longer an addict!!!!
yeah sleep is acting like the ever elusive high you keep chasing because you remember how good it once was, but Everytime you do it you're left feeling empty and disappointed. That side of things will change but for now sleep is like the girl you love and put all your effort into but she doesn't give a f*** about you, and she just sux the life.......AH STOP IT!! I think at this point yes, I need to really enjoy the positive things and the pride I feel blah blah, but it's really important I focus and keep trying to ride out the crappy feelings. I gotta learn how to cope when I feel horrid and like there is no hope. I feel a bit like that now. Like I'm getting nowhere. I know I AM getting somewhere, and once again there is no part of me willing to consider taking a Garrotte to my soul again just to feel better but if I ONLY focus on what is good about my situation right now, I will be totally un prepared when I hit the floor later on, and tomorrow and whenever. I refuse to run from the negative right now. I mean it's good to find ways to get yourself out of a funk sometimes, but sometimes you just feel s***, and I don't want to be panicking Everytime that happens. I'm not gonna wallow in it but I have to get accustomed to it if I want this big change I'm making to be permanent.
12:30am day 13(just). Did some weights and sung a few tunes on the guitar, and managed to shake off this uneasy tense feeling in my body for a while. My head is working up one hell of a headache and I am tired tired tired. Dad? if your up there? please knock me out for eight hours and let me wake up fresh. I know you already raised me, taught me respect, gave me every chance in life, and instilled all your best qualities in me. I just really need this. If you're busy maybe you could ask Uncle Ray to do it, just make sure you tell him I love him ok? Volim te Tata, i hvala.
well, if the old boy was here he would give me at least a smack upside the head and tell me that it serves me right. So I kind of doubt he is gonna use any mystical powers just to get down here and offer me a shortcut out of some bulls*** I started, ha. I've been trying everything all night (4:30am) and nothing is even coming close to working. I can barely lift my head at the moment. just so tired. showers, exercise, distractions etc. People talk about coming of 10-20 ml and having month long nightmares so I guess dropping 140 cold I should be reasonable and just expect the same
Its a s*** a** feeling not being able to sleep...its bad enough we feel crap trying to get clean, but then to have hardly any sleep makes it worse...nothing like a few days awake on the wiz and then the big come down...thats kinda how i felt in the begining..not so much now...So i see you didnt get help from your dad or uncle in heaven...well maybe you did!!! Sometimes unanswered prayers are unanswered for a reason!!! The main reason we feel THIS bad and have such a hard time getting and staying clean is the lesson in it self....same as a hangover...its our body teaching us to stop hurting ourselves...it makes it super bad so we dont want to do it again...although most of us do..thats my belief anyway...so if your dad helped ya out it would be easy...you need to do this on your own...tell help make you a stronger person for it...if it was easy...id still be popping pills...knowing i could stop when i want...i thank god thats no the case...sorry if km not making sense...im still only surviving on about 6 hours sleep a day too...so i do truly understand what your going thru..big hugs ok..it will all pass in time....we got thjs
Don't ask your dAd for 8 hours, ask just for some. I totally did same with my grandma who I was super close with. And you know it worked, she was and is looking after me. Hang in there you guys!
a your both absolutely right. My eye hasn't stopped twitching for 4 days. It makes me feel like I'm insane and about to explode. I wonder if the only reason I haven't is for fear that the exertion would break my willpower. I look no I feel unpredictable and unreasonable. don't get me wrong, if someone offered me a methadone tablet right I would say f*** it and exert the hell out of my self! thankyou both. reading your comments this morning were literally the difference between me writing this response or punching myself in the face 10 times. Still feeling strong but losing my cool a bit. maybe I need some Jack Black music he's good at expressing the living guts out of things. laterz onz mates
by exert myself I meant oppose the idea of tablets with great feeling. No danger. for me anyway...
f*** this! I'm not ok. this is not ok. I wish this was somebody else's fault. Me being the most peaceful non violent person in the world I would absolutely find that person and punch them until they stopped moving. and then maybe some more. But this is all on me. I did this to MYSELF! and knew this is what it would take to ditch it. What am I crazy?
I'm like a emo with a knife and too much alone time. (im not hurting myself or anyone else just to be clear, that's not how I roll) But that's how I FEEL. I am so desperately keeping my voice low to not scare my kids. all lovely and sweet HELLO DADDY I love you! the feeling I get, makes me want to scream and then dive headfirst off the veranda. So it's all teeth clenched and fake smiles and la Di f***en DAAAAAAAAAA! I slipped up before without even thinking. My son was blowing this whistle and my head was screaming and my eye was twitching. And I said to him in a whimsical friendly voice - Hey son! would you like me to break the whistle? No (confused) coz it sounds like you want me to break the whistle. I snapped out of it and fake laughed and said I was joking and he laughed but man..... I can't be like this.
my eye just keeps twitching away like its trying to remind me and anyone who looks at me how close I am to exploding. I think I need to regroup somehow. I thought it would be over by now so I was not prepared for this. I can stay off the opiates no problem, but dealing with the fall out is a whole other ballgame
I'm like a emo with a knife and too much alone time. (im not hurting myself or anyone else just to be clear, that's not how I roll) But that's how I FEEL. I am so desperately keeping my voice low to not scare my kids. all lovely and sweet HELLO DADDY I love you! the feeling I get, makes me want to scream and then dive headfirst off the veranda. So it's all teeth clenched and fake smiles and la Di f***en DAAAAAAAAAA! I slipped up before without even thinking. My son was blowing this whistle and my head was screaming and my eye was twitching. And I said to him in a whimsical friendly voice - Hey son! would you like me to break the whistle? No (confused) coz it sounds like you want me to break the whistle. I snapped out of it and fake laughed and said I was joking and he laughed but man..... I can't be like this.
my eye just keeps twitching away like its trying to remind me and anyone who looks at me how close I am to exploding. I think I need to regroup somehow. I thought it would be over by now so I was not prepared for this. I can stay off the opiates no problem, but dealing with the fall out is a whole other ballgame
Look at it this way- eye twitches are annoying as sh**. I get them all the time, upper arm too. But you toughed it out through physical agony already. Just remember those moments & you'll well not appreciate the twitches but they won't seem so bad. Didn't know Jack black played music. Bernie is so funny,well aside that it's based on true story! Stay strong like your doing! -Mary
Ok just read your second post. Long as you can fake smile to the kids,better then no smile. Are you having to watch them without your wife? If so that's super rough! Yes you did this to yourself but your making the changes you need,and while seems worse will be better in end. Try not to get mad at yourself for having no patience as that's expected. Your going through a lot but will come out stronger in the end.
ok.im ....yep ok
earplugs and sunglasses (even at night)
Dont be so damn hard on ya self ok...we are only human, and sometimes we make bad choices..but beating your self up about isnt helping you! Your doing so well and you have come so far (its been 2 weeks) it cant stay like this forever...just accept it for what it is and ride the wave to shore..dont make it harder on yourself...and can i point out that i too wear earplugs to bed everynight and i wear an eye mask..i have done so since my eldest was born...16 years ..lol...now if i dont have.them i cant sleep...how bad is that...lol..i hope you have a.good night...ill keep you in my thoughts....
I just needed to get all that out I guess. Its a bit strange reading it coz I have not been thinking clearly but it's exactly what my thoughts and fears have been for the last while, so seein g it on the page is strange. I think a lot of it for me is that, A lot happened while I was out of it and since I was already on it, instead of dealing with how I felt about it, I just numbed it out as much as I could until it stopped bothering me so much. So I kind of knew it would be waiting for me. In the first week when I started getting all emotional it was all there and I was ready for it so I handled it ok. But yeah. I had a plan. I said to myself, this is how long it takes so I can handle it for THAT long no matter what. All it took was an extra few days for for me to flip out and get my knickers in a knot ha!
I can see it when I read back. I am thinking I am near the end so I just grab on and focus on the positive stuff, and just ride it out of the storm. And yeah, it just starts taking too long and I stop handling myself. So part one is panic mode, ranting raving basically saying HEEELLP! all over the place, and part two was kinda like a self slapping backhand. Like pull it together, ur embarrassing urself. So I just when into the bunker kind of and chucked on my sunnies and plugs for a while. It helped.
I just don't know if I'm near the end or not anymore coz it's not like the last time I did it. I maybe started celebrating too early and let a couple of simple goals slip past me so yeah. I'm basically just trying to regroup, and re evaluate. As I keep saying. I feel no desire for meds. I feel a desire for getting this behind me...SOON. I would not be able to explain to myself or anyone else why I got so far through it and just decided, you know what, I have come so far and done so well but this last bit is really hard so I'm gonna just turn around and walk back to the start. So no fear of that. 5:30 am day....14?
I can see it when I read back. I am thinking I am near the end so I just grab on and focus on the positive stuff, and just ride it out of the storm. And yeah, it just starts taking too long and I stop handling myself. So part one is panic mode, ranting raving basically saying HEEELLP! all over the place, and part two was kinda like a self slapping backhand. Like pull it together, ur embarrassing urself. So I just when into the bunker kind of and chucked on my sunnies and plugs for a while. It helped.
I just don't know if I'm near the end or not anymore coz it's not like the last time I did it. I maybe started celebrating too early and let a couple of simple goals slip past me so yeah. I'm basically just trying to regroup, and re evaluate. As I keep saying. I feel no desire for meds. I feel a desire for getting this behind me...SOON. I would not be able to explain to myself or anyone else why I got so far through it and just decided, you know what, I have come so far and done so well but this last bit is really hard so I'm gonna just turn around and walk back to the start. So no fear of that. 5:30 am day....14?
I came up with a good description. It's like being thrown into a sweat box I don't mean a sauna I mean the ones you jump into to overwhelm yourself to induce a kind of freak out. It's like you hold out for as long as you can and when you start feeling like you're not coping, you ask somebody how long, and they say ok, this much longer, and you can say ok I can do it, just THAT much longer. But if you ask the guy and he rubs his hands together and say we're just getting started? You hold out for a bit but with no end in sight you say nope that's enough I CANT HANDLE IT, I'm out. So yeah. problem being that I can't just stop it, I have to just take whatever comes. It is what it is.
Your last sentence somewhat powerful&realizing that is good. We all want to know when is it going to end/get better. People will say oh by this day you will be feeling SO much better,truth is everyone is different, so as far as first year yeah will get better in certain aspects and maybe feel worse in others or go back&forth. I remember cursing to myself this lady that said you will feel better by 'X day' once I hit that day was thinking sh**, I felt better before on this other day, what the hell is she talking about?! Oh yeah sunglasses & earplugs, I didn't have sense to get earplugs,used cotton balls, ha, imagine how well that worked. I remember over a month off watching a movie wearing sunglasses....sensitivity took awhile. You mentioned something bout being embarrassed. Don't be, you are battling one of the biggest things there is to battle. Be proud of yourself! -Mary
Thanks Marykat, you always know just what to say to change things up in me. Like when you said about the last sentence. I was like, huh? but then when I read it again I got goosebumps hahaha I WROTE IT hahaha. apparently Steven seagal walks up to someone and says all emotional "I just read the most incredible script I have ever seen in my life". the guy says really? who wrote it. and seagal says "I did" hahahaha. Cotton balls... what is it the 30's? hahaha fail!
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Nelson Mandela
Nelson Mandela
Marykat is right! We all heal differntly! Some take days, some take weeks, its all a personal process...yes it is what it is...hell im day 9 now and still feel like im gunna be feeling s*** forever...how easy it would be to just pop a handful of pills and make it all better...but that wont be happening...i have to ride the storm out..for as long as it takes..one thing is forsure, i will not let this define me....
