This isn't so much a blog but more a story, a story of bad times but good times as well, from when I can remember until now about living as an only child with my mum who wasn't just my best friend she was also the person who was on my mind everyday worrying about my biggest fear consuming her "alcohol."
I never really thought of her sneaking around as a problem at five it was more a misunderstood game. A game where I held the cards to the biggest secret to the household of three people, me my mum and my dad. My dad was completely oblivious of course. I knew that my secret was big but never understood the severity of how much it could ruin Three lives within a heartbeat.
One of the rules of the game was that that when she drank from the water looking bottle we had to mark it where it was full up to before and refill it with water. But daddy couldn't know.
The next rule was that mummy had her bottles around the house of red juice and if I were to find one they wasn't to be touched because they were a secret.
Rule three; if mum was sleeping in the afternoon I had to play on my own.
Watching mum sleep was peaceful it was one of the things that I enjoyed to do was watch her sleep and pretend I was the mum. Please don't get me wrong my mum was a good mum and so was my dad I was never deprived of anything as a child I had a lovely house, we always had lovely cars, but there was always something missing. Never mistreated at all just there was almost a black cloud above us which we couldn't shift.
The few years after what I could remember are slightly empty. Things got worse with the alcohol. I started to hate it hate the sight hate the smell everything. I started to understand that it was bad, bad because anytime that dad would find mum having some there was a row that I was not allowed to be involved in. My next memory was that mum got ill it was in the holidays and we wanted to go into town. Dad had stopped all of her money access by this point snapped her debit card. On route to town mum had to run behind a bush to be sick this is how I knew she was ill. I'm assuming to this day that this was symptoms of withdrawal. Shaking being sick hot sweats limited attention to detail, constantly wanting to sleep and most noticeable little appetite which was making her look skinny drawn and not my mum.
The reason this trip to town was so memorable was because we got into the post office at 8:30am lining up to be one of the first I. This was a weekly occurrence on a Saturday because this was mums only source of getting money. We walked I. Like usual everything was what I thought to be normal except mum. She couldn't breath she went pale, I mean really pale strangers started to gather round her she was on the floor. She couldn't catch her breath she didn't look even more like my mum, my bestfriend my sister my reason for smiling was breaking infront of me. After what felt like forever a paramedic calmed her down and reassured her it was an anxiety attack which all makes sense now. She continued carrying around a paper bag with her, we had one in her bag and one in the kitchen drawer. I new the drill when her fingers started to close and her face went pale and most siginificatly she couldn't catch her breath the paper bag was needed.
Again this continues until I was about nine.
After nine I started to speak out about what I hated so much that I didn't like what it was doing to her I didn't like the secrets the lies the constant sneaking downstairs to drink in the middle of the night worrying about what she was doing, her attempt to cover it up was eating cheese at silly o'Clock in the morning.
Me and her would argue until I was blue I threatened to tell dad constantly. Forever throwing red and clear bottles away in an attempt to make us a normal family. She would sneak round the corner with coppers fro a savings jar to get any alcohol she could consume thinking I wouldn't notice. That's wouldnt notice her slurred speech drawn face bloodshot eyes. I knew , I always knew and it broke my heart every time. She wouldn't eat only drank. I felt broken every time. There was nothing but rage In our house.
Family started to get involved I would break down to my cousin and stay at her house multiple weekend just to escape. My cousin the one person who made me feel normal to laugh to just make everything go away she was amazing in every way and in every way what I imagined a sister to be.
The arguments continued hiding my phone so I couldn't phone my dad to tell him. He knew, he always knew but didn't want to face it. More and more nights she slept in the spare room and more and more arguments happened. Regular rades done by me and my dad knowing we would find something. Without a doubt we always did which I'm sure you can imagine broke us both everytime.
She would find anyway to get booze, she berefriended a neighbor to get it for her she stole which I believe wasn't really her it was the alcohol that's when I knew that it had totally consumed her that my mum my sweet innocent loving mum. I had lost her.
I watched her cry which broke me, I cried but that didn't matter.m
I remember one night I prayed that if he made all of this go away I would be a good girl and never use the lords name in vain and never swear again. It didn't happen.
So an iconic year in my life came I was 14 it was 2006I came home one day from being with friends and I couldn't get in the door was locked. I could see her through the window sleeping. I couldn't get to her I couldn't reach her, I banger and banged on the window she didn't move. I climbed over my next door neighbors fence and stormed inside she was choking on her sick I didn't know what to do. What twelve year old would? I forced my fingers down her throat I was petrified there was just me she didn't move I started going deeper with my fingers down her throat. Time stopped honestly time stood still until she was sick I was relieved all over the cream carpet. At that point i knew that this time it was bad, worse than ever before.
I phoned my aunt I phoned by dad I phoned my other aunty, both of my aunties came at once it felt like forever I was scared, scared to be alone scared to look at her scared more than I ever had been before.
The rest of that was a blur the next thing I knew my dad was home and there were blue lights outside and she was gone...
I lived with my aunt for a couple of weeks paying my mum regular visits hating the sight of her in bed hating very moment that she was hooked up to that machine.
Apparently the first time I went I passed out at the sight of her bleeding. My dad told me he didn't know what happened just that one moment I was there and then I was on the floor. I have no recollection of this.
I lived with my aunty for about six months. I loved it I loved the normality I loved being able to be the child. I made as little contact with my mum as I could I didn't want to see her or speak to her. Until one day I went over and saw how vulnerable she was and that was when I realised it wasn't her it was the alcohol. At this point she was about two months dry which was the longest she had ever been. I started to visit more regularly my dad would come and see me every night at my aunties. Which I loved.
The day had come where my dad asked me home. I was petrified absolutely scared whittless. But I did it he started to be herself again.
Please don't think that this all happened over night there were more emotions than you could imagine involved and so much more to this story than mentally that I think I have blocked out.
Me and my dad would still make regular house checks and I would accuse her because that's all I knew but she didn't break. Not once, it's been 7 years now and she is still dry we have the most amazing bond she is now my bestfriend my sister my world.
There has been ups and downs and times I thought she would break with my dad having an affair but she is strong and my inspiration and my world and I think I resent her sometimes for not having a childhood but she's done it and I love her more than life itself.
The reason for me writing this is because even now I worry, there will always be a thought in the back of my mind however it will get better... Never perfect but always better! I
Hi,That was a sad story and I'm sure there are parts that would just be too hard to try and explain or would just take too long to explain. I'm glad you and your mom are good with each other now though because life really is too short!! It's been a long road for you and your moms lucky you and your dad stood by her the way you did. I'm sure when you think back to your younger years it makes you sad. Im sure she has regrets and that's something she will be living with forever. I too have sad memories as a child and I try not to think about them as they still sadden me enough to bring tears to my eyes. But unlike you my father is dead so he can't make amends with me. I can just hope he knows I forgive him. You are lucky to have your mom alive and in your life to make happy memories with now. Treasure those times together. I read this quote once..." Walk towards the sunshine and the shadows will fall at your back". I would take this to mean that your sad memories will eventually just fade away. I hope so. Take care. Mary.
Thank you so much Mary. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad I'm sure he is watching you proud and wishing he had made those memories. I have learnt to appreciate certain things more than others so.
Take care.
Take care.
Hi, Thank you Cindy! i like to think everything is for a reason. Maybe what bad times you've went through was to toughen you for what life would throw at you later on. Help you handle things better and it's stopped you from becoming a dreamer because you had to grow up so fast. But whatever the reason you made it and you'll be alright! The hard knocks you've had is what's helped you be strong. You sound young so you've a long road to go yet. Don't ever use the past as an excuse to ruin your future. Learn from it and be determined to stay strong! Don't settle for less than you deserve in life and you deserve a lot after what you've been through. I'll watch for you on here if you need to talk. Also remember your not the mum and your not responsible for anyone's life but your own!! Last but by no means least...Don't let history repeat itself! God bless, Mary.(((hugs)))
Hi Cindy, Thinking about you and hoping your doing alright! Mary.
