I had a conversation with another family member who is well removed from our current situation and only remembers the young, friendly, happy go lucky "child" of years ago.
She was borderline appalled that we were "writing" our son off. She thought it was mean spirited that we weren't going to let him back in and give him another chance let alone stopping his rent payment when our cosign lease obligation ends in June.
I tried informing her about what we had put up with for the past 5 years, what led us to kicking him out & what his priorities have been because of his drug use and what it has caused.
Obviously she didn't get it and I just gave up trying explain any further. I guess this is something first hand you have to experience to understand it.
So my question I guess is did any of you run into something similar and if so did you try to explain or did you just not bother?
I almost started doubting our decisions for a moment.
Thanks!
I do not recall anyone having that kind of reaction.... I am appalled that she did not understand that you Have to detach, kick him out, stop all support of enabling, even after listing what you have put up with. Although, when someone has not gone through it, they have NO IDEA what an emotional roller coaster it is.
My husband did not talk about our situation with anyone. I reached out to very close friends and a few co-workers that I felt comfortable with. The few people I told were understanding and compassionate.
Sometimes I did feel like I said too much and would wish that I didnt talk about it. There was so much going on, I had to vent a little. Thats what led me to this website - looking for a place to find what to do or not to do.
My husband and I did initially go to NarAnon meetings for about a year - it was a good place to be able to talk and get some stuff off the mind. also good for my husband bc he does not like to talk to friends or relatives about issues.
You are doing the right thing. Keep at it. You still have a long way to go. stay strong.
My husband did not talk about our situation with anyone. I reached out to very close friends and a few co-workers that I felt comfortable with. The few people I told were understanding and compassionate.
Sometimes I did feel like I said too much and would wish that I didnt talk about it. There was so much going on, I had to vent a little. Thats what led me to this website - looking for a place to find what to do or not to do.
My husband and I did initially go to NarAnon meetings for about a year - it was a good place to be able to talk and get some stuff off the mind. also good for my husband bc he does not like to talk to friends or relatives about issues.
You are doing the right thing. Keep at it. You still have a long way to go. stay strong.
I don't think people understand how addiction transforms our loved ones into narcissistic, self destructive, confused shadows of themselves. They try to stop using and abusing but they can't seem to stay stopped. The sad thing is that only they can decide that enough is enough and some people never consider detoxing.
As parents we somehow have to maintain a connection with our addicted loved ones yet stop taking care of them with the hope that they will figure out that they can't abuse substances and take care of their own physical and emotional needs, like adults, maintaining relationships with others.
Stay strong. It may feel counter intuitive to not help our kids in crisis but in fact we are not helping our kids continue on our dime engaging in risky behaviour.
As parents we somehow have to maintain a connection with our addicted loved ones yet stop taking care of them with the hope that they will figure out that they can't abuse substances and take care of their own physical and emotional needs, like adults, maintaining relationships with others.
Stay strong. It may feel counter intuitive to not help our kids in crisis but in fact we are not helping our kids continue on our dime engaging in risky behaviour.
My younger brother who I have always been very close with refuses to visit me anymore. He doesn't want to run into my daughter. He says he can't be around her. Dislikes her for ruining all our happiness and our lives. He can't forgive her at all. It's come between him and I the way he is about her. Her and him were very close too. I always looked forward to his yearly visits as he lives 2,000 miles away. Now I wont see him at all. I miss him and his wife. Makes me sad but there's nothing I can do. I don't think I'll ever see him again, at least not in this world. I won't fly anymore because of the crazies out there. I read somewhere that an addict will affect the lives of 10 people around them. Don't know if it's true or not. I haven't ever told my other family members after the reaction from my younger brother. Sometimes your better saying nothing at all. No one understands unless they' walk in our shoes. Your doing the right thing don't second guess yourself. It's your family member who is in the wrong. Take care. Mary.
Send your addict to this well meaning relative.
Tx for the smile....believe me the thought crossed my mind more than once!
Friends and family have their own ideas how they would handle things. There are no perfect answers and you can only do what you think is right in your situation. Just as people have different ways of raising children so do we all have different ways of dealing with their drug use.
Through the years my extended family has seen some of what our son has put us through ... not the full extend. When we get together they don't ask about him anymore and I try not to bring him up. When things started getting bad when he was still a teenager we would not participate in family gatherings. We distanced ourselves by choice. We thought it would be temporary at the time but his problem never went away.
That is why I am on this website talking to people that have been through it themselves.
Through the years my extended family has seen some of what our son has put us through ... not the full extend. When we get together they don't ask about him anymore and I try not to bring him up. When things started getting bad when he was still a teenager we would not participate in family gatherings. We distanced ourselves by choice. We thought it would be temporary at the time but his problem never went away.
That is why I am on this website talking to people that have been through it themselves.
My family members( 2 brothers and one sister) all thought they could correct my son's life and each one took him "under their wing"(lol) at different times over the last 15 years.
My son stole from both my brothers and he even stole from my one brother's neighbor and broke into cars in the neighborhood. Then he hid the stolen goods in my brother's house!
My son lived with my sister for 3 weeks and had a "spell" as she put it where he jumped out of her moving car, disappeared for 24 hrs. and then came back to her house "all weirded up" as she put it. She made him leave.
My son's excuse for it not working was that my one brother and my sister were on drugs and crazy and my other brother was stealing from him.
From then on no one in my family wanted him around and they said do not give him our phone numbers ever!!
Stay strong--you are on the right path! Stay on this site because these are the only ones that can understand what it is like to be an addict or have an addict in your life!
Lori
My son stole from both my brothers and he even stole from my one brother's neighbor and broke into cars in the neighborhood. Then he hid the stolen goods in my brother's house!
My son lived with my sister for 3 weeks and had a "spell" as she put it where he jumped out of her moving car, disappeared for 24 hrs. and then came back to her house "all weirded up" as she put it. She made him leave.
My son's excuse for it not working was that my one brother and my sister were on drugs and crazy and my other brother was stealing from him.
From then on no one in my family wanted him around and they said do not give him our phone numbers ever!!
Stay strong--you are on the right path! Stay on this site because these are the only ones that can understand what it is like to be an addict or have an addict in your life!
Lori
Oh yes this is very common. The relatives think that they can miraculously FIX the addict. They think they have the answer and that we haven't tried EVERYTHING under the sun. I know my sister in law was the last one to take in the father of my kids...he had already went through his Dad and 3 other brothers and was no longer welcome...but SHE was going to fix him. I was pissed. Im simply said if this man will not quit for his children...HIS BABIES...he certainly will not quit for you. Needless to say it blew up in her face but whatever. He now either stays in his truck, homeless shelter ...some codependent chics house....or treatment. I think he just got out of his 16th treatment...not bad for 45 yrs old. Can you tell Im bitter? Jesus just when you think you've got this stuff...youve forgiven...it all comes back.
Nice thing is Jen you've moved on! He hasn't! Boomer...you live and learn. You really can't rely on anyone when it comes to this. That's why this website is so good because we all have each other to lean on. Mary
OMG - Dtuchess - ya cant make that up!!!
OMG Boomer . . .yes. My dad kept directly and indirectly telling me that I wasn't doing enough to save Jill. That I wasn't engaged enough or didn't care enough or didn't try something to fix the situation. He "suggested" that I quit my job & move to FL so I could take full time care of her. He advised me to bring her home and play sobriety police. He told me I should provide her an incentive for being clean: a gift card if she was 30 days clean, something else if she made it to another milestone, college tuition if she made it 6 months. He had all these "helpful" suggestions bc he had successfully raised 2 girls and thought her addiction was the result of some flaw in her or the result of bad parenting.
Because it is my dad, I couldn't ignore or divorce him. I realized most of his comments and thoughts came from ignorance. He never used dope. . .he's never even smoked a joint. Shoot, in 80+ years I think he's had 15 alcoholic drinks. The most he has ever done was smoke cigs. . .and he quit cold turkey, on his first attempt, almost 40 years ago. As far as he was concerned, addiction was a matter of lack of willpower and self control. I had to educate him. I sent him Naranon pamphlets. I emailed him articles. I tried to give him information and education about addiction and addicts. He also started to read and do his own research. And we talked. We talked about what a parent of a non-addict child does and what the non-addict kid does; and then we talked about parenting addicts. I shared with him What Not to Do. And, specifically told him to NOT send his granddaughter money no matter what she says.
This wasn't his AHAH moment, though. Like everyone else's helpful opinion-giving relatives, my dad didn't get the rhythm of the stroke (in my best George Clinton voice) until he realized that he didn't not misplace several watches, gift cards and cash after she last visited. Come to think of it. . .he didn't have too many more helpful suggestions after that. . .tee hee
No matter how well-meaning, folks don't know what this is like until they have walked in our shoes.
Because it is my dad, I couldn't ignore or divorce him. I realized most of his comments and thoughts came from ignorance. He never used dope. . .he's never even smoked a joint. Shoot, in 80+ years I think he's had 15 alcoholic drinks. The most he has ever done was smoke cigs. . .and he quit cold turkey, on his first attempt, almost 40 years ago. As far as he was concerned, addiction was a matter of lack of willpower and self control. I had to educate him. I sent him Naranon pamphlets. I emailed him articles. I tried to give him information and education about addiction and addicts. He also started to read and do his own research. And we talked. We talked about what a parent of a non-addict child does and what the non-addict kid does; and then we talked about parenting addicts. I shared with him What Not to Do. And, specifically told him to NOT send his granddaughter money no matter what she says.
This wasn't his AHAH moment, though. Like everyone else's helpful opinion-giving relatives, my dad didn't get the rhythm of the stroke (in my best George Clinton voice) until he realized that he didn't not misplace several watches, gift cards and cash after she last visited. Come to think of it. . .he didn't have too many more helpful suggestions after that. . .tee hee
No matter how well-meaning, folks don't know what this is like until they have walked in our shoes.
None of our family told us to do anything differently but a couple of them thought they could make a difference.
My brother tried to "help" my son a few years ago by giving him a job at his convenience store. It started out good but only lasted a few months. My brother was amazed and appalled when he saw on the video cameras one night that my son played scratch off lottery tickets for over 2 hours instead of working...$400 worth of tickets. This was during his klonopin stage. Of course, my husband and I weren't surprised at all.
When the heroin use started, most of the family just started pretending he didn't exist. My sister thought she could help him and took him to detox when he needed a ride and had it all planned out that he'd go into a rehab after he detoxed. She took it personal when he left a few days later, lol...
Michelle
My brother tried to "help" my son a few years ago by giving him a job at his convenience store. It started out good but only lasted a few months. My brother was amazed and appalled when he saw on the video cameras one night that my son played scratch off lottery tickets for over 2 hours instead of working...$400 worth of tickets. This was during his klonopin stage. Of course, my husband and I weren't surprised at all.
When the heroin use started, most of the family just started pretending he didn't exist. My sister thought she could help him and took him to detox when he needed a ride and had it all planned out that he'd go into a rehab after he detoxed. She took it personal when he left a few days later, lol...
Michelle
Lol Michelle, That's funny! Its great how they think we don't know what we're doing. Hope your son is doing good and you too! Must be fun for you shopping for Teddy this year? Take care. Your friend Mary.
