Subject: Why women should not take men shopping.
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like
most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local
Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2 : Set all th e alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
"Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk whe r e the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look"
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least ...
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Walmart
EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GYAC, good stuff. Most men don't do shopping well do they? My dad God love him. Man, loved his clothes. Detective, plain clothes. Man was sporting European cut suits. You went shopping for you he got lost and y'ad catch him in line buying up Hugo Boss, and Tommy Hill everything.
Kids and shopping. Ohhhh, how many times did we go under the racks of clothes? My mom be slapping us in the head. Poor lady couldn't even go get a little black dress with the likes of my youngest brother. Today he'd be a diagnosed ADDHDATRBLMNOP. Jumpy kid. Creative as all get out, but what a nerve job.
TRUE SCENARIO: Mom always looking like a million bucks on a shoestring.
Even at the schoolyard in the morning. How she do it? Simple get that big ol teased up hair of the late 60's done at night and put on a bit of makeup.
US. Kept maticulous. After all it was a reflection on her. Monogramed dang matching sailor jackets to match us all together with me having a skirt. Yeah, we were going to look better than the Kennedy kids only lower middle class.
Wannamakers. Lovely Department store in Philadelphia. In town. A special occassion Mommy needed a dress. Mind ya her nerves were frayed from the El ride. Don't put your face near that window it has germs. My brother all jumpy and the other one asking the dates of buildings and who the architecht was.
"You all sit right here. Do NOT move. Don't speak. I'm right HERE looking on this rack". Jumpy well that did him in. He knew better though than to budge off the sette she made us sit on.
Next thing we know the "good, smart one" is surveying the mannaquin in the Bridal Gown. We start "Ohhhh, I'm telling".
SCREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MIDDLE AGED SALESWOMEN SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!
My brother wanted to see what was under that Bridal Gown. Knocks that mannequin down and it goes down the UP escalator. All my mom saw was a hoop skirt bumping down and back up. She KNEW it was Jumpy couldn't sit still, and we had to make a getaway quick passing that mannequin as we went on the down escalator.
Classic because it was Mr. Brilliant for once that did it, and we're on Market Street and every time Jumpy wants to say "It wasn't me" she's saying "Shut up, shut up don't talk yet". Pfffffffffff, excellent. We never let him live that down and fortunately all she gave us was that look on that El ride home. Even Mom just couldn't hand out a slap. Not even a pull on your arm.
Man, I never want to take kids shopping. Haaaaaaaaaaaaa.
GYAC, good stuff. Most men don't do shopping well do they? My dad God love him. Man, loved his clothes. Detective, plain clothes. Man was sporting European cut suits. You went shopping for you he got lost and y'ad catch him in line buying up Hugo Boss, and Tommy Hill everything.
Kids and shopping. Ohhhh, how many times did we go under the racks of clothes? My mom be slapping us in the head. Poor lady couldn't even go get a little black dress with the likes of my youngest brother. Today he'd be a diagnosed ADDHDATRBLMNOP. Jumpy kid. Creative as all get out, but what a nerve job.
TRUE SCENARIO: Mom always looking like a million bucks on a shoestring.
Even at the schoolyard in the morning. How she do it? Simple get that big ol teased up hair of the late 60's done at night and put on a bit of makeup.
US. Kept maticulous. After all it was a reflection on her. Monogramed dang matching sailor jackets to match us all together with me having a skirt. Yeah, we were going to look better than the Kennedy kids only lower middle class.
Wannamakers. Lovely Department store in Philadelphia. In town. A special occassion Mommy needed a dress. Mind ya her nerves were frayed from the El ride. Don't put your face near that window it has germs. My brother all jumpy and the other one asking the dates of buildings and who the architecht was.
"You all sit right here. Do NOT move. Don't speak. I'm right HERE looking on this rack". Jumpy well that did him in. He knew better though than to budge off the sette she made us sit on.
Next thing we know the "good, smart one" is surveying the mannaquin in the Bridal Gown. We start "Ohhhh, I'm telling".
SCREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MIDDLE AGED SALESWOMEN SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!
My brother wanted to see what was under that Bridal Gown. Knocks that mannequin down and it goes down the UP escalator. All my mom saw was a hoop skirt bumping down and back up. She KNEW it was Jumpy couldn't sit still, and we had to make a getaway quick passing that mannequin as we went on the down escalator.
Classic because it was Mr. Brilliant for once that did it, and we're on Market Street and every time Jumpy wants to say "It wasn't me" she's saying "Shut up, shut up don't talk yet". Pfffffffffff, excellent. We never let him live that down and fortunately all she gave us was that look on that El ride home. Even Mom just couldn't hand out a slap. Not even a pull on your arm.
Man, I never want to take kids shopping. Haaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Book Report: Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-@s$ed student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullsh.. artist.
Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...uhh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullsh.. artist.
Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...uhh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
Darin ..bro ya just had me in tears of laughter about...Mr.Fentons antics in the shop...really brilliiant..am gonna read it again .As for Clinton&The Titanic..great as well..cool student&teacher.Take care my friend...Davey
- -Once again Darrin-
interesting/humorous stuff
:-)!
The Beauty of Mathmatics
Fascinating . Enjoy!
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And finally, take a look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
Fascinating . Enjoy!
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And finally, take a look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing
happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to
send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the
little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little
boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC., and those @s$holes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to
send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the
little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little
boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC., and those @s$holes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
Dissing on the President of the USA........tsk, tsk.........Pink did that on Jimmy Kimmel last night, GYAC.........they let her do her ballad.
Aghast at the controversy I am.
Yo, I need a cool $100.00.......where do I send this now?
Aghast at the controversy I am.
Yo, I need a cool $100.00.......where do I send this now?
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new folder on your computer.
2. Name it "George W Bush"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush? "
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
PS: Tomorrow we'll do d*** Cheney...
1. Open a new folder on your computer.
2. Name it "George W Bush"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush? "
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
PS: Tomorrow we'll do d*** Cheney...
HELL YES!!! I like that one!
Can't stand him....would like to boot him in the a** with an alligator skin cowboy boot.
I'm going to do that as soon as I get to work.......open a new folder and name it GWB.
Can't stand him....would like to boot him in the a** with an alligator skin cowboy boot.
I'm going to do that as soon as I get to work.......open a new folder and name it GWB.
Subject: HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT???
Bet you cant out-smart it! I keep trying, but CANT!!!!!!!!
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying
it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you
cant!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make
clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
Bet you cant out-smart it! I keep trying, but CANT!!!!!!!!
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying
it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you
cant!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make
clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
And here's one for the brits...
Tony Blair MP
I'm tory plan B
Except he's gone now!
Tony Blair MP
I'm tory plan B
Except he's gone now!
Ha, not if you start the 6 at the bottom instead of the top - see, lateral thinking changes everything!!! Did that sound particularly Welsh? I think it's only the Welsh who say "see" before they say anything. That and "isn't it", like the Pot Noodle miners. LOL!
love
Diff xxx
love
Diff xxx
Recieved this FUNNY email...thought I would share:
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
That's too funny! I needed a good laugh today, Thanks!
Bush bumper stickers:
1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13 . Jail to the Chief
14 . No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?
15 . Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
16 . Bad President! No Banana.
17 . We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
18 . We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
19. Is It Vietnam ! Yet?
20 . Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
21 . Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
22 . You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
23. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
24 . When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
25 . The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
26 . One Nation Under Clod
27 . At Least Nixon Resigned
1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13 . Jail to the Chief
14 . No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?
15 . Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
16 . Bad President! No Banana.
17 . We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
18 . We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
19. Is It Vietnam ! Yet?
20 . Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
21 . Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
22 . You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
23. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
24 . When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
25 . The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
26 . One Nation Under Clod
27 . At Least Nixon Resigned
I have the second one on my car. Saw one today "If you didn't vote then stop your whining." I have a GWB air freshner in my car that his smiling face on it and the letters WTF at the top. I hang it on my signal arm (it's really for my own amusement, and I'm an elementary school teacher, so it wouldn't be cool) and people still manage to notice it. Smells better than W I'll bet.
HE'S BAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh...I'm odd...I just did the foot and number 6 thing...mine didn't change direction...but I'm a dancer...so mabye my brain and body parts don't work normally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
