I need help with this problem. While I was using, I would have known exactly what to do......but since I now stop and think about things before I react and cause trouble, I don't know what to do. Am I being walked on here?
In December, my girlfriend, Anne, was planning a ski trip to CO with her husband, her 2 kids, and his 3 kids. His teenage kids live with their mother in KY.
Since it was going to be extremely expensive for 7 people to fly, eat and ski for 7 days, I offered to loan her my ski jacket and bibs for one of the teenage girls to use. Of course, it was understood that I wanted it back.
After they returned, it was discovered that the daughter from KY had taken my ski clothes home with her (by mistake?). I question whether or not it was a mistake because the jacket is a down, puff jacket, and not exactly easy to fit into a suitcase nor easy to overlook once it's in there.
Anne told me about this on Dec. 30, and assured me she would have it overnighted back to GA the following week. I told her there was no need to rush, but that I would appreciate her effort to get it back soon.
Fast forward to Jan. 30, today. Still don't have it, and my daughter is leaving for a ski trip on 2-9-07. I have called Anne once to tell her about the planned trip, then emailed her a reminder.......and thougth that would be enough to light a fire under her. It wasn't. I have not heard one word from her.
I value this friendship, but at the same time, I am questioning if Anne does. I would NEVER not return something I had borrowed promptly. I also feel that Anne should have made sure my things were not taken to KY to begin with. The girl who took them spent 2 days here after her ski trip before she went to KY, why didn't Anne think about getting them from her during those 2 days?
Again, 3 years ago, I would have told Anne exactly what I think about this,but the kinder, gentler me is hesitant to rock the boat these days.
I really do not think my daughter should have to go out and replace these items so that she will have something to ski in, they aren't cheap (about $300.00).
What would you do? Thank you so much for your input. I know, I shouldn't have loaned them out to begin with.........never a lender be.....but it's too late for that now. LOL
Call her and ask her what happened to the jacket, straight up, but you know calmly....
Ask her if it might have been lost, or something happened to it as you need to know as your daughter needs to use it.
Give her every chance to fix this with a call ( or even a nice visit personally ). Hopefully something can be worked out if your jacket isn't to be seen again by you....
If this can't be worked out, well....might need to re-evaluate things.
Good luck,
Love,
Tina
Ask her if it might have been lost, or something happened to it as you need to know as your daughter needs to use it.
Give her every chance to fix this with a call ( or even a nice visit personally ). Hopefully something can be worked out if your jacket isn't to be seen again by you....
If this can't be worked out, well....might need to re-evaluate things.
Good luck,
Love,
Tina
Thats a tough situation Carol. I myself would find it hard to be confrontational after 2 requests already,but...she obviously is avoiding you fro some reason.The stuff got ruined/lost/given away.etc...and she now cant get them back for wahtever reason and doesnt know how to tell you,thats what im thinking.
I would call,just come right out and ask,what has happened. Once she tells you "what has happened"...its up to you as to whether you feel she should replace the things or not.Again,i dont envy your position.Hope it works out.Let us know.~KIM
I would call,just come right out and ask,what has happened. Once she tells you "what has happened"...its up to you as to whether you feel she should replace the things or not.Again,i dont envy your position.Hope it works out.Let us know.~KIM
man that is a tough one carol, since there is a friendship involved. i agree with the others to call her and let her know of the urgency to have this jacket for the upcoming trip in feb. i hope you can get this resolved with no hard feelings between the two of you, say a prayer and ask that God guide and direct you to approach this situation in a manner that is pleasing to Him as well as you and your friendship. with God all things are possible! keep us posted! julie/jewels
Carol-I know in sobriety we become more aware of trying to do the right thing.One of those is not over-reacting.It's a delicate balancing act for me because I don't want to create situations where I have to go back and make ammends for something I've said.
However,the flip side of that coin is that we are also not door mats.Other people may recognize our new resolve and take advantage of it.I'm not suggesting that's what your friend is doing because I don't know her.
You're going to have to talk to her.I would say a prayer before I do but I would definitely tell her that you want the coat back now and how you feel being put in this position.You can do this calmly.If she is any kind of healthy individual her reaction will be of contrition.She's in the wrong.
This action will also keep you from carrying around a resentment and we know how that plays out.
In the last couple of years my friendships have become more limited because I choose to operate like this.The friends I have now though seem so much healthier.
Good Luck
However,the flip side of that coin is that we are also not door mats.Other people may recognize our new resolve and take advantage of it.I'm not suggesting that's what your friend is doing because I don't know her.
You're going to have to talk to her.I would say a prayer before I do but I would definitely tell her that you want the coat back now and how you feel being put in this position.You can do this calmly.If she is any kind of healthy individual her reaction will be of contrition.She's in the wrong.
This action will also keep you from carrying around a resentment and we know how that plays out.
In the last couple of years my friendships have become more limited because I choose to operate like this.The friends I have now though seem so much healthier.
Good Luck
Thank you all SO much! Your words and suggestions helped me very much!
Tim, you hit it on the head with the "delicate balancing act". That's it exactly. I am so afraid of creating drama, yet, isn't this a good time to step up and ask for what is rightfully mine? Actually, I shouldn't even have to ask, it should have been returned to me without my having to ask.
I sent her an email at her work, asking for the phone number of the daughter in KY. Anne told me that her husband's ex is at the root of the problem here, she's the one who is supposed to take it to Fed-Ex and hasn't. So, I offered to call her myself and ask her to please do so. She already has a pre-paid pouch to send it in, all she has to do is drop it off.
We'll see what happens now.
I am not going to behave in a manner that would cause problems in our friendship. A few years ago, I certainly would have. I would have felt that I had been so wronged, that any bad behavior I displayed was justified.
Although I do still feel wronged, I am not going to make a big deal about it.
After today's email, if I get it back, fine. If I don't, well, the friendship is damaged due to her negligence, but I won't feel the need to lecture her about what a rotten friend she is. That's the difference between the old me and the me today.
Thanks again, very much.
Carol, if she isn't catching the hints that you dropped, then ask her. Tell her that she could ship it to you and get it in time for you to loan to your daughter.
I am sorry this happened; I hate it when people don't treat other people's things with respect.
good luck, and hope you get it back.
I am sorry this happened; I hate it when people don't treat other people's things with respect.
good luck, and hope you get it back.
Carol,you sound like a very good friend.And very level headed.
I too have a problem with others who dont respect your property,mostly because i live in a family where almost all(my sisters& even my mother to some extent)give no value to anything,and that pertains to their own things so most certainly to others "things".
I cant tell you how many times ive loaned out things,from bathroom plungers(no lie) to the clothes off my back,never to get them returned unless i hounded them to death.Its frustrating.Ive even had a few of them say(when driving to their home for the item after asking for it back repeatedly)jeez its only a (this or that,whatever it is) and i have said yes it is only (this or that)but its my this or that,and if its only a this or that,why do you still have it and havent returned it?!?!?!! Sometimes its just a matter of others giving no importance to "things" PERIOD.
Anyway,sorry to ramble,i hope you get your "things'" back,so there is no hard feelings.~KIM
I too have a problem with others who dont respect your property,mostly because i live in a family where almost all(my sisters& even my mother to some extent)give no value to anything,and that pertains to their own things so most certainly to others "things".
I cant tell you how many times ive loaned out things,from bathroom plungers(no lie) to the clothes off my back,never to get them returned unless i hounded them to death.Its frustrating.Ive even had a few of them say(when driving to their home for the item after asking for it back repeatedly)jeez its only a (this or that,whatever it is) and i have said yes it is only (this or that)but its my this or that,and if its only a this or that,why do you still have it and havent returned it?!?!?!! Sometimes its just a matter of others giving no importance to "things" PERIOD.
Anyway,sorry to ramble,i hope you get your "things'" back,so there is no hard feelings.~KIM
Oh dear carol you are so much nicer than I am. I would have been much more agressive and than had to make amends. I have been learning to chill out a little but I tend to overreact and blurt it out. There is no real reason for the delay of your belongings and you have every right to insist that they are returned pronto. I have this problem at work where I am very low key and end up totally being taken advantage of and then I get a resentment which I can ill afford to get. I am learning everyday to say no amd mean it, such as my boss asking me mind you i am the only employee as of this moment to work more hrs. I am like thinking could ya just hire someone for gods sake?? learning to establish boundries has been my biggest obstacle to overcome.
Take care
Carol
Take care
Carol
See, this whole resentment thing, is at the bottom of me worrying about this. I do not want to get to a point where I am angry at her, then have that to carry around.
BUT.........since I wrote the email to her earlier, she has written me back and said she has the jacket and the smaller items (hat, gloves, neck warmer) but for some reason, the girl kept the bib (pants). LOL Whatever. I will be picking the stuff up tomorrow.
So, all's well that ends well. I have learned that I probably will never volunteer to loan her anything again, which is fine, and our friendship is in tact.
I am certain that if this had happened 3 years ago, I would have lost it as soon as she told me the kid took them home. I am glad I have at least learned to control my mouth and think before I react. :-)
Kim, How's the book coming? I read on another thread you got it and are starting it. Please let me know what you think when you get in to it.
Hey Carol,i just started it lst night,and only read a chapter or two because i couldnt keep my eyes open.I think im going to really like it,thanks for mentioning the name of it.
I dont know about you,but i always think ahead as to whats going to happen,and 9 times out of 10,it happens the way that i think its going to.I already have some ideas about the way this book is going to go...the little tidbit about the gossip that the nurse secretly loved the dr....hmmmm?~KIM
I dont know about you,but i always think ahead as to whats going to happen,and 9 times out of 10,it happens the way that i think its going to.I already have some ideas about the way this book is going to go...the little tidbit about the gossip that the nurse secretly loved the dr....hmmmm?~KIM
Good lesson Carol, don't borrow things out.
I've learned that too many times the hard way. Either it never comes back or it comes back ruined with no apology or explanation. I recently had to tell a friend "no" to loaning out my luggage. It wasn't easy to say no, but it was easier than the last time I lent out my old luggage (notice I said old, because it never made its way back to me and I had to buy new) and then explain that to my husband.
You handled it very well.
xx
Carol I feel that you being who you are you will find a way of handling this with your class & style.Hopefully your friend will respect your feelings & understand!!!
Ill admit & keep in mind I hang my head as I write this....I borrowed something off someone(who I feel is so special)going on over a year ago.And if nothing else this post made me stop & pause & say to myself.....Ok its long over due.
I also hang my head when I say it had more to do with $$$ than anything.
still doesnt make it right or me less guilty.but at least I got a chance(again)to return these 2 items that I enjoyed very much & let the person know how sorry I am for it being so long over due!!!
molly
Ill admit & keep in mind I hang my head as I write this....I borrowed something off someone(who I feel is so special)going on over a year ago.And if nothing else this post made me stop & pause & say to myself.....Ok its long over due.
I also hang my head when I say it had more to do with $$$ than anything.
still doesnt make it right or me less guilty.but at least I got a chance(again)to return these 2 items that I enjoyed very much & let the person know how sorry I am for it being so long over due!!!
molly
I would probably just burn her house down.....JK
I would buy another one and forward the bill on to her.
Regards,
Tom
I would buy another one and forward the bill on to her.
Regards,
Tom