My name is rosy i am an addict - addicted to alcohol, drugs, slot machines, etc
This is my own personal diary which i want to keep about my progress and downfalls (hopefully it is all progress)
This morning if 7 am have gone through all new posts and replied to any who have helped me and tried to help others - i will try to do this every day.
Im up early as getting help to get room ready for my daughter to allow me to have a room ready for my mom to come home be she alive or having lost the battle to live.
At the moment if have just taken 8 tabs to get me on my feet they were really great at the start for helping me get through the day - but now i find myself falling asleep instead of bursting with energy - havnt the will to do anything - although yesterday friend came to help me and i think this has boosted me a little
Went to see mum last night and sat with her for 3 hours or so - she is hanging in there - i love her so much - each day going to try and sit for longer times as i never know which day could be her last - none of us know that really - but god has given me the chance to see her and at lease say goodby - many people dont get that chance.
Feeling quite good about myselfl because i am excited about getting onto subutex probgram - will post details about subutex on another topic as an option for others that might feel it will help them.
well have to get of a** now and paint skirting board before friend comes down or he will be real mad with me was supposed to do it last night but was too tired and got some rest instead - my rest is more important thank the bloody skirting board - going to put myself first.
rosy
Rosie (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) well done hun im sure that making a diary will help you hun it will be something to reflect back on when you are clean and something your children can look at when you tell them about your addictions just be honest how you feel and never mind what anyone else says take care hun jackie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rosy
Sounds as though you're a bit down , understandably with you Mom and all. My wife and I went through this last year when her Dad was dying of a brain tumor. My wife nursed him FUL TIME 24/7 for three months until he died.
Very hard and exhausting work and a twelve hour drive away from where we live , so she styed there with him , doing EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERYTHING for him. Quite honestlt as much as I loved him , I could not odf done it. She was a STAR for the old man.
Afterwars (totally exhausted when she got home) she said that it was the best quality time she had ever spent with him and really got to comnmunicate on a deep level and get to KNOW him.
So , girl , you spend all the time with your Mum and maximise the time with her.
We all have to move on one day and it's part of life. It is not a bad thing. I believe that we just move to the next level of beingness and maybe for the likes of us , it is for the better. Tell you one day when I get thnere.
Hang in there and keep the (non-alcoholic) spirits UP.
Pete
Sounds as though you're a bit down , understandably with you Mom and all. My wife and I went through this last year when her Dad was dying of a brain tumor. My wife nursed him FUL TIME 24/7 for three months until he died.
Very hard and exhausting work and a twelve hour drive away from where we live , so she styed there with him , doing EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERYTHING for him. Quite honestlt as much as I loved him , I could not odf done it. She was a STAR for the old man.
Afterwars (totally exhausted when she got home) she said that it was the best quality time she had ever spent with him and really got to comnmunicate on a deep level and get to KNOW him.
So , girl , you spend all the time with your Mum and maximise the time with her.
We all have to move on one day and it's part of life. It is not a bad thing. I believe that we just move to the next level of beingness and maybe for the likes of us , it is for the better. Tell you one day when I get thnere.
Hang in there and keep the (non-alcoholic) spirits UP.
Pete
Wackyjacky
how you doing - had emergency in middle of this post daughter lost her purse - i kept praying to St Anthony to help me find it - searched whole house - something told me to go out to bins - they are just beside where her car is parked - she had just left to go to gym was in a state - put me in one to - got outside looked down just beside bin was purse - must have fallen out of her car last night - car was parked over top of it so she was lucky - Thank you St Anthony for that one - aslo mum doing well - has started to eat again - and the only worry they have now is she has an open wound - it is a matter of if an infection gets into it and her having MRSA could be big problem - but hope and pray it goes ok.
lol rosy
how you doing - had emergency in middle of this post daughter lost her purse - i kept praying to St Anthony to help me find it - searched whole house - something told me to go out to bins - they are just beside where her car is parked - she had just left to go to gym was in a state - put me in one to - got outside looked down just beside bin was purse - must have fallen out of her car last night - car was parked over top of it so she was lucky - Thank you St Anthony for that one - aslo mum doing well - has started to eat again - and the only worry they have now is she has an open wound - it is a matter of if an infection gets into it and her having MRSA could be big problem - but hope and pray it goes ok.
lol rosy
Hi rosy not to bad today thx hun getting there i guess you just stay strong hun not matter what life chucks at you just remember your a special person and deserve to live life to the fullest. i lost my mum many many years ago i nursed her with cancer whilst trying to bring up two small children i dont know how i found the strength but i did take care jackie xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thanks for that pete - it is exhausting and am trying hard to get the time to stay with her as long as possible - wanting to get her home - either way - soon working full out to get her room ready - also friend has come in to help and making things lot easier for me kids pitching in to in fact cant believe how well its all pulling together - mum was doing lot better last night - and only problem is getting infections with the MRSA - she is eating again and looking better - but dont want to build hopes up too much - ive been looking after her so long and am only reallly beginning to realise she is an old woman and deteriorating rapidly - I think i have been ignoring that fact whilst looking after her - its hard work but i dont care she is my mother the only one i will ever have and i want to keep her as long as i can - but i cant stop it if god calls her home - at least i have the chance to say goodbye and tell her how much i love her. We have been so close even when i was married i lived few doors away from her and then when husband died and i was left doing full time job and looking after two kids she practically moved in with me to help me - my brothers wanted her to be put into a home (long story that one caused me lots of grief and couldnt believe that one brother in particular who is very wealthy could have stooped so low - tell you about it sometime it involved mums assets if you know what i mean ) now way was i putting her in a death camp - i added building onto my house bedroom and bathroom and moved her in with me - this house i own used to belong to her father - he left it to her - she sold it - someone reonvated it - i bought it back - so this is her home also and she stays and leaves from here.
Anyway no im not depressed pete - well little maybe - no intention touching big bad bottles of anything - enough probs with this codiene baby - if it hadnt been for this site and the people here i dont know where i would be now. I got lots on plate but i get on here as often as possible - i have to put myself first because if i do not then i am no good to anyone.
Hope your keeping well - holding empty glass - or at least trying too - how you doing anyway.
rosy
Anyway no im not depressed pete - well little maybe - no intention touching big bad bottles of anything - enough probs with this codiene baby - if it hadnt been for this site and the people here i dont know where i would be now. I got lots on plate but i get on here as often as possible - i have to put myself first because if i do not then i am no good to anyone.
Hope your keeping well - holding empty glass - or at least trying too - how you doing anyway.
rosy
I joined this message board on the 7th of June it is now 13th July - scine coming here i have now with the help of others made the first step to my recovery (be it a long one) i have been to see the Doctor with the encouragement of Savannagh and others - at least i have now let someone know of my problems - i have now joined the cat team who will take over my detox programme - i have had many responses from people on the choice i have taken and been advised to take which is Subutex - was a little worried as at the minute councellors are on holiday and i couldnt get answers to my questions - but luckily being on this site has helped me so much - as others who are on Subutex have given me an insite into what i many have to go through and how it actually works - they have relived my mind of any worries at least until i see my councellor -
My mum is pulling through a bit - but still is in danger - although i know she is in good hands and is a strong woman - i hope to have her home again someday god willing.
I have now reduced my intake from 20 tablets to today 15 - i split them up a few days ago and didnt count how many was in the shortest pile and this is what i am now on 15 and intend to stay there - until i talk to my councellors - because i have now been sleeping longer and am aching really badly - every bone in my body is sore - it is so hard to get up and started in the morning - but i have no choice as i have so much to do - in middle of fiinishing mums room so that will be two rooms down 5 to go - but the main room is mums and the rest can wait - i need some rest as i am nearly burnt out working - The good thing is that my mind is stable i dont seem to be going into burst of crying etc - i think that this is due to the fact that mum is not so bad now - so i did start to taper at the wrong time it seems - i may continue slightly more on the tapering but have to wait to see how the days goes. At the minute i am not as frantic as i was last week and hope this continues.
Im sitting here typing this as my bones ache so badly i dont want to get up to do any work - but have no choice - + have to visit mum after 2.00 today.
I have found many friends on this board and no matter their opinions i will continue to see them as my friends - opinions are just that opinions - i do not see the need to argue - although days it is difficult when people touch raw nerves but if i make a negative remark i can always go back and say sorry - that is one thing i know. I have also noticed that it is hard to write something and realise that it may come out the other side not in the manner that you see it at the time - days i have written here laughing about what i have said to others - but when they have read it it has not been seen in that light - so i shall now choose my words very carefully so as not to hurt peoples feelings.
No matter any other persons opinions i will continue to post and help others i never take things from people unless i can give them or others something back - i have years of experience on this earth and have been through many things in my life so therefore there may be many things i can help younger people or people who have been in the same boat as me
i continue my journey
My mum is pulling through a bit - but still is in danger - although i know she is in good hands and is a strong woman - i hope to have her home again someday god willing.
I have now reduced my intake from 20 tablets to today 15 - i split them up a few days ago and didnt count how many was in the shortest pile and this is what i am now on 15 and intend to stay there - until i talk to my councellors - because i have now been sleeping longer and am aching really badly - every bone in my body is sore - it is so hard to get up and started in the morning - but i have no choice as i have so much to do - in middle of fiinishing mums room so that will be two rooms down 5 to go - but the main room is mums and the rest can wait - i need some rest as i am nearly burnt out working - The good thing is that my mind is stable i dont seem to be going into burst of crying etc - i think that this is due to the fact that mum is not so bad now - so i did start to taper at the wrong time it seems - i may continue slightly more on the tapering but have to wait to see how the days goes. At the minute i am not as frantic as i was last week and hope this continues.
Im sitting here typing this as my bones ache so badly i dont want to get up to do any work - but have no choice - + have to visit mum after 2.00 today.
I have found many friends on this board and no matter their opinions i will continue to see them as my friends - opinions are just that opinions - i do not see the need to argue - although days it is difficult when people touch raw nerves but if i make a negative remark i can always go back and say sorry - that is one thing i know. I have also noticed that it is hard to write something and realise that it may come out the other side not in the manner that you see it at the time - days i have written here laughing about what i have said to others - but when they have read it it has not been seen in that light - so i shall now choose my words very carefully so as not to hurt peoples feelings.
No matter any other persons opinions i will continue to post and help others i never take things from people unless i can give them or others something back - i have years of experience on this earth and have been through many things in my life so therefore there may be many things i can help younger people or people who have been in the same boat as me
i continue my journey
Hello Rosy,
I haven't talked to you in a couple of days. Hang in there...sounds like your mom is getting better, I will pray for her. I slipped yesterday but I'm going to try to cut back today. I think I tried to cut down too fast. Can't beat myself up for my failure yesterday. Read this morning that you are from Ireland...I love Ireland!!! It's so beautiful. Take care, hugs!
Joan
I haven't talked to you in a couple of days. Hang in there...sounds like your mom is getting better, I will pray for her. I slipped yesterday but I'm going to try to cut back today. I think I tried to cut down too fast. Can't beat myself up for my failure yesterday. Read this morning that you are from Ireland...I love Ireland!!! It's so beautiful. Take care, hugs!
Joan
Hi Walker 263
Hows things going - just about to start painting mums room - so will be back and forth here all day - hows your reduction going or is that what you are doing
lots of love Rosy
Hows things going - just about to start painting mums room - so will be back and forth here all day - hows your reduction going or is that what you are doing
lots of love Rosy
Rosy,
It's going pretty good. So far today I've only had 2 pain pills....keeping my fingers crossed.
Joan
It's going pretty good. So far today I've only had 2 pain pills....keeping my fingers crossed.
Joan
Rosy hun im pleased youve come back to your diary it makes good reading a little while down the road lol anyway im pleased your doing ok hun . walker hang in there it takes time and most of all effort a min at a time take care your both doing well jackie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thatas really great joan
Lots of love Rosy
Lots of love Rosy
Hi Wacky jackey
Yeah decided it was tiime to take long looks at what i am doing along the way for my recovery - I think this may help me to look back and see how far i may come.
It was you idea in the first place that made me think about doing it so i hope you dont mind me pinching your idea.
Lots of love and Hugs Rosy
Yeah decided it was tiime to take long looks at what i am doing along the way for my recovery - I think this may help me to look back and see how far i may come.
It was you idea in the first place that made me think about doing it so i hope you dont mind me pinching your idea.
Lots of love and Hugs Rosy
Hi rosy dont be silly i think its good your writing your own diary. im pleased your doing so well hun dispite your worring time right now but start looking to the future without pills etc and making plans lifes far too short. have you heard how gary is? not seen him in a while. anyway take care jackie xxxxxxxx
7.50 13th July - wasnt till this morning that i discovered shortest pile had only 11 in them - as i thought there were 4 left aside for this morning either that or i took the 4 by mistake so i have zero to keep me going until i get new script from doc - and now something is kicking in - i feel like a train wreck - i thought i was ok for the first 20 minutes after i got up emotionally but that is not the case - i am crying a little - so therefore have gone too far again - but i can hold of as i am due a script this afternnoon from my doctor - there is no way i can hold at 11 - i need to go back to 15 at least. I wish the councellors were back as this would be agood time for me to hold of before the switch over. But i wont know until 9.00 where anyone is - no-one starts work until then.
Anyhow worked late last nigh and got mums room finished - rest of house a mess - but i cant move to do anything - so i think i will jump in the bath andstary their till about 9.00.
9.00 just go word back that liver function tests were clear - dont know how - must be all teh vitamins and milk thistle - ive been pumping into myself
1.40 Nearly didnt get a script from doctors as other doctor ordered my files in before he would prescribe - and it was half day today - luckily when i went up to collect my efexor - my own doctor was at counter and allowed them
i explained that i had dropped usage a little and he was quite happy with that - he only prescribes 30 per week anyway - so still have to work with dealer to get the rest - but getting less of him this week.
Rosy
Anyhow worked late last nigh and got mums room finished - rest of house a mess - but i cant move to do anything - so i think i will jump in the bath andstary their till about 9.00.
9.00 just go word back that liver function tests were clear - dont know how - must be all teh vitamins and milk thistle - ive been pumping into myself
1.40 Nearly didnt get a script from doctors as other doctor ordered my files in before he would prescribe - and it was half day today - luckily when i went up to collect my efexor - my own doctor was at counter and allowed them
i explained that i had dropped usage a little and he was quite happy with that - he only prescribes 30 per week anyway - so still have to work with dealer to get the rest - but getting less of him this week.
Rosy
Ive come to see that in the last few days of my recover particularly yesterday everything is starting to change - event though, i may have not yet started the detox programme - i contacted the councellors yesterday and they were either out with clients or in meetings all day, but that doesnt matter anymore, the process of recovery has begun anyway, I took my daughter to the movies last night, i have been so wound up in self that i have forgotten all others, so now i have to start working on myself to enable me to become the person i should be, can be, and will be - and thank God for it. I found something on this site over the past few days through someone, that i had forgotten during my recovery from alcohol and this has changed everything - my complete thinking - oh how wrong i have been about many things.
I had forgotten something - yesterday i walked away from another addiction - i hope to never return to - i could not believe that i had the strength to do it so easily - time will tell.
Rosy
I had forgotten something - yesterday i walked away from another addiction - i hope to never return to - i could not believe that i had the strength to do it so easily - time will tell.
Rosy
This recovery is going to be ohh so slow - i am progressing but very slowly - this has been a downfall for me - speeding along - missing things - it takes a while to clear you mind and get it back into a thinking that puts you on a course for recovery - i have been down this road before - i know - each morning this weak i have been reading a book - just a simple book about someone elses life - and from this book i have learnt so many things about myself. I know that some may not understand this but it is becomming clear to me that i have not been listening to my innerself for so long - the part inside which leads you between right and wrong, the part which is only burried because i chose to bury it. I have never felt so much peace in so long - the book is now finished but the words will stay with me forever i hope. Today is half way through and i have accomplished many things without acctually seeming to do anything. I am just taking it easy. Because i may not talk about how many tablets i take or going to meetings it does not mean that i am not making progress. The only one that needs to know the truth of what i am doing is me and God at the present time.
I have been asked many times on this site if i have gone to meetings - i cannot and willnot answer any questions regarding 12 step programmes on this site as to do so could harm others - i have my reasons and until such times as i can sort out a problem i will not discuss anything about 12 step programmes on this site - i am not being negative to anyone who is posting about them - this is a problem that is in regards to me - no-one else.
I have been asked many times on this site if i have gone to meetings - i cannot and willnot answer any questions regarding 12 step programmes on this site as to do so could harm others - i have my reasons and until such times as i can sort out a problem i will not discuss anything about 12 step programmes on this site - i am not being negative to anyone who is posting about them - this is a problem that is in regards to me - no-one else.
