It's my first time visiting this website. I began experimenting with marijuana at age 12, like a lot of people. My intense longing for connection, attention, acknowledgement and acceptance only increased and by 18 I began experimenting with anything I could get my hands on, cocaine, ecstasy, acid, duster, marijuana, GHB, crank, opium, diet pills, oxycontin. My first love was cocaine. Eventually my come downs became so terrible that I stopped using on my own. That was almost 10 years ago. Well I started binge drinking more regularly with friends and started getting into little accidents or cat fights with girls who I pissed off. After 3 random assaults, a handful of sexual assaults, a head injury and concussion that I remember nothing about and finally falling off of a 12 foot fire escape and busting my jaw, arm and teeth I decided to back away from the booze. I was in a lot of pain from the injuries however and was prescribed Percocet to manage my acute discomfort. I took a medical leave from my job and shortly into my sobriety from alcohol I began using meth with strangers...mostly men. I'd get hooked up for free almost always, though I was always willing to pay. Having no obligations and a mouth full of broken teeth seemed at the time like a free ticket for 'round the clock partying. My meth use escalated from occasional, to every weekend, to an additional weekday, to calling in sick to work habitually to losing 30 lbs (which was not needed). I got down to a smaller size at age 24 than I was at 12 years old. Long story short, I became withdrawn, boney, unreliable, and I stopped talking to my friends and family and found out the addicts I knew were not to be trusted. I had a come to Jesus evening when I was high as a kite and all of my addiction, depression and hopelessness was taken from me. In one night I was changed and got clean. 6 months later I relapsed and was devastated and so ashamed. That relapse led to 3-4 years of functional secret occasional meth use all alone. I'd get high for a few days and get stuff done. One evening in 2011 I was driving back from my toothless camper living drug dealer/friend (whatever you call him) and I got a meth loogy in the back of my throat and vomited in my lap. I was disgusted and fed up. So I quit for 3 years. No meth, no binge drinking, no other drugs for 3 years and I was feeling good about my ability to lay it all down. Here's my current situation-last Valentine's day my thoughts turned to meth and as I entertained them I told myself I was strong enough to put it down for 3 years so maybe one or two fun nights would be acceptable. Boom. One year later and I'm on average using one time a month, which actually stretches out to a 4 day span of being high and sleepless and depressed and borderline suicidal. I know I can quit. I've done it before, but why do I keep doing this to myself? I'm pretty, I'm talented, I have friends, I'm semi educated, I'm blessed. Do I need treatment? Is there something I can implement so I can be one of the true success stories? Been up for 3 days now. First time getting high in a month and I did it to numb the loss of someone very close to me dying. I'm stuck. I want help. Encouragement and feedback appreciated.
Hello GoneGirl:
I posted this a few minutes ago on another thread.
It may answer your question about why we can't quit .. and stay quit.
Quitting is easy, anyone can "quit". Few of us, on our own, can STAY quit and recover.
Anyway, here goes:
If we could do this "cold turkey and on our own" there would be no need for Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.
There is a great need for those lifesaving institutions as for most of us we can't do it on our own.
We are powerless over our addictions as described in AA's HOW IT WORKS http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10..._howitworks.pdf.
I knew I was "different" than other folks when I was 20 yrs old but I stayed out trying to cope until I was 45 yrs old. It was then that I was beaten beyond doubt.
Many times in those 25 yrs (20-45) I thought I had it made only to find myself, in the end, worse than before.
I heard a man say one time at a meeting something that really struck home, he said:
"I knew I had to come to AA when I found my life going downhill faster than I could lower my standards".
I found myself in a position that I could never have imagined just a little while before that. My life was indeed "unmanageable" ... and I was indeed "powerless".
That point wasn't the end of my life as I believed, it was the beginning.
Through commitment to AA & NA I was freely given a new life
All the best.
Bob R
I posted this a few minutes ago on another thread.
It may answer your question about why we can't quit .. and stay quit.
Quitting is easy, anyone can "quit". Few of us, on our own, can STAY quit and recover.
Anyway, here goes:
If we could do this "cold turkey and on our own" there would be no need for Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.
There is a great need for those lifesaving institutions as for most of us we can't do it on our own.
We are powerless over our addictions as described in AA's HOW IT WORKS http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10..._howitworks.pdf.
I knew I was "different" than other folks when I was 20 yrs old but I stayed out trying to cope until I was 45 yrs old. It was then that I was beaten beyond doubt.
Many times in those 25 yrs (20-45) I thought I had it made only to find myself, in the end, worse than before.
I heard a man say one time at a meeting something that really struck home, he said:
"I knew I had to come to AA when I found my life going downhill faster than I could lower my standards".
I found myself in a position that I could never have imagined just a little while before that. My life was indeed "unmanageable" ... and I was indeed "powerless".
That point wasn't the end of my life as I believed, it was the beginning.
Through commitment to AA & NA I was freely given a new life
All the best.
Bob R
