well i guess after this weekend i have earned myself the dummy of the year award. i drug tested my husband and it was neg. so i agreed to get his things out of pawn. later that same night he tells me he owes the dealer a $150 and is worried what he will do he wanted to take it to him himself i knew where that would lead. he had supposedly been dodging him for a week. so i told him to call the dealer and we would leave the money at a certain place and leave the house for a while. so he called we left and he obviously got the money. thing is the more i think about it the more i hate myself i just cleared the way for him to start all over again. he had pawned everything of value, took out every payday loan in town, zeroed out the bank account, returned things with tags to the store, and owed his dealer, so he had to be clean becuase he had run out of money to get it. worst of all the part i hate is i used the money i have been saving for a long time now for when the day comes that i "hit bottom" and was ready to leave. it is weird knowing i had that money, it was like a safety net i always knew i could leave when i wanted too and take care of the kids for a little while without the worry of bills and i could focus on me and the kids. i just threw that all away to save his butt AGAIN!!!!!!.
Don't feel bad - you were only doing what you thought was right. You can't beat yourself up over it now.
All you can do is start over again - you basically had a relapse for enabling your addict if that makes any sense!
But you've realized and all you can do is keep working on yourself. You are not alone. At one point or another, we have all done these sorts of things!
Hopefully he doesn't abuse your generosity, but if he does - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
He is still the only one responsible for his using. If he's going to use again, he would have found a way to do it even if you didn't pay off his debts for him.
Is he working at all?
Could you set something up so that he has to pay you back (even if it is a little at a time) so that he is still held accountable for his actions due to drug use?
Just a thought.
Anyways, hope I helped.
Have a great day and take care,
Mickey
All you can do is start over again - you basically had a relapse for enabling your addict if that makes any sense!
But you've realized and all you can do is keep working on yourself. You are not alone. At one point or another, we have all done these sorts of things!
Hopefully he doesn't abuse your generosity, but if he does - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
He is still the only one responsible for his using. If he's going to use again, he would have found a way to do it even if you didn't pay off his debts for him.
Is he working at all?
Could you set something up so that he has to pay you back (even if it is a little at a time) so that he is still held accountable for his actions due to drug use?
Just a thought.
Anyways, hope I helped.
Have a great day and take care,
Mickey
he owns his own business and up until a month or so ago he controlled the fianances. i at least got control of that so i get the paychecks minus a few hundred every week(wonder where that goes). we were about to lose our cars house everything cause i believed he was paying them, he has a real succesful company no thanks to him his workers are what make it successful and me i do all the office work. he goes to work pretty much when he feels like it and being he doesnt answer to anyone but himself he thinks it isnt a problem. the money i used this weekend to pay his crap was money i had convinced him over time was for this or that bill.....kinda like he did me. guess ill have to figure out some new bills we supposedly owe i hate lieing to him because it makes me no better than him but i justify it to myself because at least i know it will go towards the family and not his dealer.
Been There!
I also payed my husbands dealer with money I had put back to take care of me and my daughter.The only difference was I paid $800 of the $1100 he owed.I knew at the time that his problem was out of control I just had no idea that he was spending that kind of money.My husband also has his own business and it isnt going well right now.Construction business is never good in the winter time.I too have lied saying there wasnt any money even when I knew there was.Had I not done this,we would be on the street so,I dont let that lie bother me and neither should you.When it comes to the welfare of our children,it is more important to worry about having a little cash tuckes away rather than a little lie you may have told to get it.
I also payed my husbands dealer with money I had put back to take care of me and my daughter.The only difference was I paid $800 of the $1100 he owed.I knew at the time that his problem was out of control I just had no idea that he was spending that kind of money.My husband also has his own business and it isnt going well right now.Construction business is never good in the winter time.I too have lied saying there wasnt any money even when I knew there was.Had I not done this,we would be on the street so,I dont let that lie bother me and neither should you.When it comes to the welfare of our children,it is more important to worry about having a little cash tuckes away rather than a little lie you may have told to get it.
he cleared over $100,000 this past year and we have nothing to show for it damn shame i cant claim the drug use on taxes the goverment would probally owe me money then...i was kinda hoping the dealer got annoyed at him dodging him this long and wouldnt sell to him, but duh my husbands habit has him sitting real pretty im sure he wouldnt give that up
oh i forgot to mention im not completly out of luck with the money situation months ago when i found out about all this i called and set him up to go into detox at a cost of $4500. he never went obviously, well anyways a month ago i packed the kids up went to a hotel ( should have stayed gone) gave his mom the money told her when her son was ready to get help it was paid for she has held on to ever since holding her breath with me for that day to come. so i guess if push came to shove i have that to fall back on course that wont get me to far with 4 kids, rent, car, etc.
You are in a better situation than myself.I have never worked outside of our home,cant find a job and dont know what to do.I pray that your husband will seek help soon.Mine is on methadone maintenance and to be really honest,it sucks too.
My husbands dealer called once about the 300 that he hadnt recieved and I told him thy it was just as much his fault as my husbands because he was the one giving it to him on front.I told him to suck it up and take the loss and if he called my house again I would report him and have his a** put in jail.He never called again.
i have always had good mind to call the cops on him anyways i know who is, which hotel he stays at each week by calling unfamiliar numbers on my cell phone, where he rents his cars each week, but i know deep down there are hundred more dealers standing right behind that one. just like in the last ten minutes i just opened my cell phone bill and realized he called his dealer not ten minutes after i gave birth jan 14th. so now im pissed for the day everyday is something new to be mad about, and i just suck it in as to not agitate him so he wont use. just like now he has supposedly been clean for 5 days i dont buy it i tested him but looking back he knows how to fix them by adding water to dilute i forgot to tell him to leave the door open, and he did alot of momentary missing in action moments this weekend so i dont know i get so tired of treying to catch him and i really dont know hwy i bother i never leave anyways, even though i always say next time is the last time, and he knows how many times i have threatened it and never followed threw except the once i went to the hotel but it killed me not knowing what he was doing so i called him and he came to the hotel and made the same empty promises and i fell for it. one day ill get the coohoonies to leave.
oh yeah one more thing i have searched high and low for a support group for me in my area have yet to find one. anyone that cant help with this please let me know i really need to go ......becuase catching him in his addiction is my ADDICTION....please email me @doodlebugzmom@aol.com
I think that when they make promises that they have the best intentions,but the addiction is to hard to kick.For us it is hard to understand because we couldnt see ourselves doing the things to them that they do to us.I used to search everywhere,high and low for his stash of pills and finally got to the point where I didnt bother anymore.I knew he was using even if he said he wasnt.I knew all the signs by his behavior and mood swings.One of my biggest fears became wondering to what lengths he would go to get his next fix-stealing cheating on me to get drugs.I just never knew.I never pictured myself in the situation that I am in.I never thought that that he would become what he is or turn his back on his families needs the way he has.Anger and resentment are tough to deal with,but I the same as you still stayed.I always wondered if I was really doing what was best for our child.I cant imagine having to explain to her why we had to leave so I stayed.
I am sorry to read your stories. I too live with an addict, but it is my son, not my husband. The stories are too similiar though. We do the same things....pay the dealer because he's being harrassed, threaten to kick him out. My son is 20 years old. How could I really through him out? I suspected drug use but until lately, he wouldn't admit it. He is a very good liar. He is now in a rehab, clean for 9 days. I am scared to death for him to come home. How will I ever trust him??
For support contact Naranon. I couldn't find a website. Someone else may know of one. I do have a phone number, though. (310)547-5800. They hold meetings for families of addicts. They should be able to give you a meeting time and place, if you call that number.
cindy
For support contact Naranon. I couldn't find a website. Someone else may know of one. I do have a phone number, though. (310)547-5800. They hold meetings for families of addicts. They should be able to give you a meeting time and place, if you call that number.
cindy
Thank you!!!!!
