I am new to the forum too. I identify with so many mothers here. We were just conned into financially helping our 46 year old alcoholic son with vague promises from them about him seeking help. Nothing has changed. We think we are finally brave enough to lovingly detach.
We had a porch repaired, attempted to unstop a drain, and helped move a washer and dryer into the house. We are in our 70''s. The last time I attempted to help by going after dirty clothes he told me I needed to back off. I woke him up at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I have. I did receive a birthday card the day after my birthday, sent him one two weeks later and have not heard another word from him or his wife. It has been over a month.
We don't plan on inviting them for Thanksgiving unless they call us. Over the past years holidays have been like command performances that they do. We don't need that. I hear the phrase lovingly detach. Is this a loving behavior? We are not doing it to be mean or for payback but to save ourselves from the emotional pain of seeing him in this condition or listening to their lies. If they call and ask if we are doing dinner, we will do a small one and invite them. I know they will perceive this as revenge, but also realize I can't change or control their perceptions. Advice and opinions welcome.
Hi gogo,
So sorry to hear you are in the boat with us. Yes, detaching is loving to the addict and just as important-loving to you! We matter. Unfortunately, addiction drives very inappropriate and selfish behavior in our kids. We need to protect ourselves and set boundaries so we are not contributing to the addiction.
It is hard on our hearts and many, like my son, will try to manipulate us into feeling badly. Keep posting. People here understand. I hope your son someday sees what he has done and is doing.
So sorry to hear you are in the boat with us. Yes, detaching is loving to the addict and just as important-loving to you! We matter. Unfortunately, addiction drives very inappropriate and selfish behavior in our kids. We need to protect ourselves and set boundaries so we are not contributing to the addiction.
It is hard on our hearts and many, like my son, will try to manipulate us into feeling badly. Keep posting. People here understand. I hope your son someday sees what he has done and is doing.
gogo--
As an "elderly" parent with a 46 y/o addicted son--I know exactly what you are going through. My son has been a drug addict since he was 16. He has seen many rehabs,jails, halfway houses, counseling, etc. None have worked. We have spent countless hours , money, and tears on this man. He has been non-compliant and only one time in his addiction has he admitted he has a problem and that was when he got very drug sick. We took him to rehab and he lasted 1 week and checked out.
We were classic enablers and always thought we could fix him and this time would be the one that worked and he would turn his life around. Wel,l that time never came.
We had to "let go" and stopped contact with him 4 months ago due to his becoming verbally abusive to us. He had never done that before. We told him no more contact for 6 months and no more money!. We said he could contact us in Jan. 2018 if he had his life together and was drug free.
It was detaching with love to help him make choices about his path in life and also to save us from going down the tubes with him emotionally, physically, and financially!
We feel like if he has a chance to turn his life around --this is the only way-- and may save his life as well. It was very hard to do, but very necessary. It doesn't change our love for our son just puts everything in a different perspective or light. If nothing changes--Nothing changes!
I hope this helps you and lets you know you aren't alone. There are so many of us with similar situations and you will discover how much being on this forum gives you support and direction.
(((HUGS))) Lori
As an "elderly" parent with a 46 y/o addicted son--I know exactly what you are going through. My son has been a drug addict since he was 16. He has seen many rehabs,jails, halfway houses, counseling, etc. None have worked. We have spent countless hours , money, and tears on this man. He has been non-compliant and only one time in his addiction has he admitted he has a problem and that was when he got very drug sick. We took him to rehab and he lasted 1 week and checked out.
We were classic enablers and always thought we could fix him and this time would be the one that worked and he would turn his life around. Wel,l that time never came.
We had to "let go" and stopped contact with him 4 months ago due to his becoming verbally abusive to us. He had never done that before. We told him no more contact for 6 months and no more money!. We said he could contact us in Jan. 2018 if he had his life together and was drug free.
It was detaching with love to help him make choices about his path in life and also to save us from going down the tubes with him emotionally, physically, and financially!
We feel like if he has a chance to turn his life around --this is the only way-- and may save his life as well. It was very hard to do, but very necessary. It doesn't change our love for our son just puts everything in a different perspective or light. If nothing changes--Nothing changes!
I hope this helps you and lets you know you aren't alone. There are so many of us with similar situations and you will discover how much being on this forum gives you support and direction.
(((HUGS))) Lori
You are behaving in a loving way toward yourselves, and that is definitely okay and the right thing to do. You have lives to enjoy...give it a try.
Peace ~ M&M
Peace ~ M&M
Thanks to all who responded. I have not spoken to my son since September 7th. I did get a birthday card on the 11th (a day late). Last month we sent him a card with Thinking of you as the theme. We simply wrote, If you need transportation to a medical or rehab facility, we will provide that. We support your recovery when you choose to do that.
I am having a difficult time staying strong. My heart hurts so bad with the holidays coming.
One of our problems is our daughter in law who is not honest or trustworthy about their situation. I do not believe that she cares whether he recovers or not.
I am having a difficult time staying strong. My heart hurts so bad with the holidays coming.
One of our problems is our daughter in law who is not honest or trustworthy about their situation. I do not believe that she cares whether he recovers or not.
Gogo, it is always more difficult when there is a partner that supports the addicted one, either thru actively using with them, or by denying what is really going on. They have someone in their boat, singing the same sad, "the world hates me" song. My son has a partner like that....they keep each other wrapped up tightly in their cocoon, lashing out at every attempt of conversation regarding recovery. During the brief times my son has been away from her, he has honestly shared that he knows he will end up dead or in prison if they stay together. But still he goes back. I spent some time hating her, but it dawned on me that if my Andrew does not want a different life, he will always seek out another Shannon. I believe they both know in the deepest part of their beings that seeking recovery means they will no longer need the poison they feed one another, both in the form of substances and excuses for not asking for help. And it is too scary. I hope you stay on this site, and keep speaking about your hurts. There are hopeful stories too. Sending peace and strength to everyone, Libby
