My son wants our help once again to get on his feet and I am having a panic attack just thinking about it. We have spent so much money giving him just one more fresh start and it hasn't worked. He hasn't been successful making it on his own so I know of no reason things will be different this time...just more of our money down the toilet. He feels he will be homeless soon without our help but we just can't keep giving him money over and over. He wants to move in with us and get a job so he can walk to work because he has no car. That sounds like a reasonable request from a normal adult child (mid-thirties) needing a fresh start but our family situation hasn't been normal since he started using drugs many years ago. I think he might be sincere this time and may be off the drugs so that makes me feel really, really guilty for not helping him but I know we have reached our limit mentally, financially, and it has affected us physically. I have to tell him no more money, no more bills paid, and no he can't live in our house. I really don't want to be near him (even over the holidays) except maybe in a public place and that doesn't make it much safer. You never know what to expect from him. He will be super nice one minute and very scary the next. He has no respect for any of us but just tells us what we want to hear hoping to get what he wants which is always money. I don't know how he will get help but I know we can't do it.
Should I block his email address? He just sets up a new email to by pass it and I think I can only block up to 50. He is buggin me to death asking for things. Begging...its an emergency. He needs this and that and the other. Pets are hungry and phone is broken again. I have replaced it many times. I have had my phone 4 years and he breaks his all the time.
Hi, I'm sorry your going through this torture with your son. I've been there with my daughter so I know how you feel. I actually changed my cell phone number and blocked her on my house phone during a time like this. It was so peaceful, it was great! But I gave in some couple of month later and unblocked her. If you don't want to hear from him. Change your email address. Its his own fault his life is in chaos so he should figure out how to fix it! As one of the women on here says...His circus, his monkeys. I've been going through this craziness for 17 yrs it drains the life out of me/us. My daughter is 34 yrs old. I'm going through a quiet time just now but I never know what tomorrow will bring. I hope things get better for you. Take care! Mary.
So sorry this is becoming, once more, another crisis for you! You said you can't do it anymore so what you are saying is enough is enough and the enabling needs to stop now!
You should change your email, block him on all social media and your phone and under no circumstances let him move in, unless you want a repeat of what you have been doing over and over and over.
He is making bad choices and it isn't your problem--it is his. He is an adult and as long as you keep bailing him out of his bad choices, you will be doing it till your dying breath!
If he threatens you or gets abusive in anyway--verbally or otherwise--call the police!
I was in your same situation for the last 20 yrs. and finally said that's it--I am done!! My son is 45 and we are elderly and can no longer continue on this path. He would suck us dry and then we would have nothing left to care for us when we can't any longer. His addiction is his choice and his problem now and for the first time in many years I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
Is it tough --yes!
Is it necessary--yes!
Should I have done it years ago--yes!
We can only move forward and I pray he can turn his life around and be drug free, but that is totally up to him!
Praying you will stop and quit enabling him. What have you got to lose? Nothing you have done works and you are keeping him from ever being able to figure it out!
(((HUGS))) Lori
You should change your email, block him on all social media and your phone and under no circumstances let him move in, unless you want a repeat of what you have been doing over and over and over.
He is making bad choices and it isn't your problem--it is his. He is an adult and as long as you keep bailing him out of his bad choices, you will be doing it till your dying breath!
If he threatens you or gets abusive in anyway--verbally or otherwise--call the police!
I was in your same situation for the last 20 yrs. and finally said that's it--I am done!! My son is 45 and we are elderly and can no longer continue on this path. He would suck us dry and then we would have nothing left to care for us when we can't any longer. His addiction is his choice and his problem now and for the first time in many years I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
Is it tough --yes!
Is it necessary--yes!
Should I have done it years ago--yes!
We can only move forward and I pray he can turn his life around and be drug free, but that is totally up to him!
Praying you will stop and quit enabling him. What have you got to lose? Nothing you have done works and you are keeping him from ever being able to figure it out!
(((HUGS))) Lori
I am sorry for your suffering...I am an addict in recovery and I also put my family through the ringer!
DO NOT GIVE HIM ANYTHING!!! It wwasn't until my family stopeed bailing me out of my own trouble that I finally got help. And believe me, I tested them because, in the past, they would say one thing, but do another. It took me a little over a year after they stopped enabling to start getting help!
When our family members give us money, pay our rent, feed us, give us cell phones or irdes or any of a bunch of other things, it does two things. First, it makes it very easy for us to keep using. Why should we stop when there is someone to fix what goes wrong?
The second thing it does is it allows us to never grow up. It prevents us from learning life lessons. It prevents us from being autonomous, productive adults.
I can't imagine how hard it is to love an addict...I know it TOTALLY sucks to be in active addiction and feel there is no way out.
I found success with a methadine program. I tried 12 step programs for over 10 years and failed miserably! I thought it was my fault, until I met with a counselor who suggested methadone maintenance..and it worked!!! Not all programs work for all addicts. Support any positive change in the direction of recovery, but do not support active addiction for one more day! Good luck! I hope your son finds healing soon!
DO NOT GIVE HIM ANYTHING!!! It wwasn't until my family stopeed bailing me out of my own trouble that I finally got help. And believe me, I tested them because, in the past, they would say one thing, but do another. It took me a little over a year after they stopped enabling to start getting help!
When our family members give us money, pay our rent, feed us, give us cell phones or irdes or any of a bunch of other things, it does two things. First, it makes it very easy for us to keep using. Why should we stop when there is someone to fix what goes wrong?
The second thing it does is it allows us to never grow up. It prevents us from learning life lessons. It prevents us from being autonomous, productive adults.
I can't imagine how hard it is to love an addict...I know it TOTALLY sucks to be in active addiction and feel there is no way out.
I found success with a methadine program. I tried 12 step programs for over 10 years and failed miserably! I thought it was my fault, until I met with a counselor who suggested methadone maintenance..and it worked!!! Not all programs work for all addicts. Support any positive change in the direction of recovery, but do not support active addiction for one more day! Good luck! I hope your son finds healing soon!
Lollee, Glad you found your way out and I hope life is good to you now. God bless. Mary
I changed my cell phone number but wasn't able to cancel our home phone. We have a bundle contract so I set it to roll over immediately to voice mail and completely removed the phone so it wouldn't ring at all. So he can't text me or call me and that gave me some relief for awhile so I could regain my sanity, until he remembered my email address. He also tries to call other family members that can't change their numbers because they use their phones for business. They are stronger than I am. I get so crazy if I talk to him. Now he is making me crazy with the email. You are right...he will drain us dry and we will be doing it forever if we don't say 'enough' but it is just such a hard thing to do. I am working on it, but I think I might have to cut out all contact for me to be strong. I just hate that because now he says there is a baby on the way. I think it may just be another tool to use against me to get what he wants. But if it isn't just a new fabricated story, then he (and girlfriend) has just added more problems to the ones he already had. Why would someone get pregnant that doesn't have a job or a good place to raise a baby? Makes no sense to me but my husband and I do not intend to take on raising or helping to raise any babies. We raised our own and are now ready to retire.
I don't do social media, but everything is connected to my email address. Everyone has it and everything is sent there. I don't think I can easily change it. I am so glad I found this board. I hate it that others have had to go through the same things but it is good to talk to people who have gone through the same things. You know what I mean? Sometimes I just need to hear the voice of reason.
