I thought that since I intend to be a regular here I would introduce myself.
I was born in 1960. My mother while well intentioned seemed to have trouble expressing affection to her children, especially her oldest (me) . The wooden spoon was the accepted method of dicsipline those days, like VWgirl, I heard the phrase "stop crying or I will give you something to cry about" many, many times. I avoided my mother as much as possible which she interpreted as rebellion, her solution for rebellion was the wooden spoon which of course caused more withdrawal. My father was caught in the middle, he wanted to support his wife but didn't agree with her child rearing methods. One major accomplishment in my life was to forgive my mother, she didn't to mean do to what she did and I realize now she was/is hurt by those event more than I was. I can't make our relation ship "normal" but I am glad I no longer carry around the anger I once did. I speak to my parents about weekly by phone still.
Another influence in my childhood was the fundementalist religion my parents believed in. They believed that that little group they were a part of had found the true way and all other religions were the devil's way of decieving people and keeping them God. We never lived near other children from this religion and were encouraged not to mingle with "worldly" children for fear that we would drawn into "worldly" ways of thinking and stray from God, who of course only loved the people in my parent's little group. Having few friends and home being somewhat uncomfortable, I spent as much time as I could at my grandparents who lived a block away.
When I was 12 things went from somewhat bad to a little worse; we moved to another town, my father got a new job. I no longer could hang out at my grandparents house, and my father was so busy with his new job that he was never available. At my new school I experienced continued bullying.
However, I seemed to survive it all and graduated from grade 12, left home a rather naive but determined 18 year old. I was quite happy to be on my own and worked at a number of jobs, forestry, deckhand on a fishing boat, treeplanter,etc.... During this period I drank, usually in moderation, somtimes with youthful enthusiasm, but I don't recall any thing too problematic.
At about age 30, having got some self confidence and direction in my life, I decided to go to university do a math degree and become a teacher. At 36-7 I finished and came to the small northwestern British Columbian town to find work. It was at this point I started to drink in an unhealthy manner. It was an escape from the pressures of learning a new job, and an escape from lonliness. As of 2-3 years ago I had switched from beer to wine so as to cut down on the number of empties I had to deal with. I then started brewing my own wine so as not to be seen in the liquor store so often. I would finish a 25 litre batch in less than a month. I just accepted the fact that I drank, although when I picked up my first drink of the evening I would wonder if I would make it to work the next day. Some evenings I stuggled to stay awake to drink more.
After missing work three times, I decided that my drinking was excessive and I should get things under "control". I started buying beer again and playing mind games with myself to trick myself into only drinking 6 beer on work nights. Weekends all bets were off. I knew this was still unhealthy but thought that if it shortened my life, "so what"; I didn't enjoy living with out. A week and a half ago I ended up on a binge that left me shaken to the core, I drank until I had no control over what I was doing or saying. I was at a night club where there were people recognized me and knew that I was a teacher. No one got hurt but I was left too embarressed and humiliated for words. A week and a half later I still feel awful. Even though no one at work knows about it (as far as I know) I haven't even felt like going into our staff room, I eat my lunch in my classroom; I have only done the shopping that I absolutely have to, I'm just don't want to be seen by anybody.... Losing control was also an extremely frightening experience. While reflecting on this event (after I recovered from the hangover) I had to admit that on 3 other times in the last year I had binged in a similar manner (its amazing the things we can deny when we set our minds to it ). I then had the blinding realization that I had no control over this beast. This enabled me to stop drinking. I had scared myself previously but never managed to stop. I have since learned that AA teaches the same thing.....
At present I am taking my first wobbly steps into sobriety with giddy excitement (8 days so far). I feel so liberated! I have consulted my doctor, he has warned me that the honeymoon period may wear off and has recomended a counselor. Its true that the shame and embarressment that I feel right now will wear off (at least I hope so... I don't want to spend the rest of my life hiding) so maintaining sobriety might get harder.... I'm sure there will be some ups and downs along the way... for now I'm just taking it one day at a time and I'm ever so thankful for this board and all the warmth and wisdom that comes from every body...
Bye for now, Cookster.
Welcome Cookster, Thankyou for sharing your story. I'm glad that youv'e been able to let go of your resentments. I beleive when we forgive others it helps to heal our wounds. I'm glad that youv'e come to the conclusion that you have no control over Alcohol. As the Beast can take you down some really dark paths. You have taken action by admitting this to yourself & your Dr. Keep up the good work, your on the write path. Remember alki, druggie or not we have all had embarrassing & shameful times in our lives. It's part of the human condition. So don't hide to long. Have courage, trying eating your lunch in the staff room by a predetermined date set by you, maybe this Fri. Hopefully, youl'l be surprised that know one's going to make you feel like your two ft. tall. I recently found this board to & feel like it's a miracle. I look forward to getting to know you better. I'm glad your here, keep coming back. Thanks for responding to my posts. It make me feel that I'm not alone on the journey of recovery. Take Care, Chris
Hi Cookster...
Thanks for sharing your story...I could relate to a lot of it, in fact, it could be me. I think for me, one of the biggest miracles that happened when I got sober was to realize I was no longer alone and didn't have to do this by myself. To be able to share the crazy stuff I did and the things I think with another alcoholic is such a freedom...
You are a miracle and I'm so glad you are here to share your journey in recovery...
God Bless
Stacey
Thanks for sharing your story...I could relate to a lot of it, in fact, it could be me. I think for me, one of the biggest miracles that happened when I got sober was to realize I was no longer alone and didn't have to do this by myself. To be able to share the crazy stuff I did and the things I think with another alcoholic is such a freedom...
You are a miracle and I'm so glad you are here to share your journey in recovery...
God Bless
Stacey
Welcome Cookster and congrats on the 8 days! The wooden spoon was the punishment of my mother also....the physical bruises healed but it took a while for the emotional...and I too had to forgive her...she did the best she could at the time...my dad was an active alcoholic then and she was under a lot of pressure...it doesn't mean what she did was right but...I know she didn't know what else to do...
I was more of a binge drinker myself.....and talked myself out of being in trouble many times but at some point reality...my bottom...came and I had to get out of denial...mine was more of an emotional bottom...
Its good you are talking with your doctor and counseling and AA are very helpful...One day at a time...Sobriety gave me a new life...Thanks for sharing
Love Gina
I was more of a binge drinker myself.....and talked myself out of being in trouble many times but at some point reality...my bottom...came and I had to get out of denial...mine was more of an emotional bottom...
Its good you are talking with your doctor and counseling and AA are very helpful...One day at a time...Sobriety gave me a new life...Thanks for sharing
Love Gina
Cookster,
Thank you for sharing your story with us...I could identify to a lot of it...8 days is a big deal...., heck one day is too! Remember it's one day at time...keep posting!
Thank you for sharing your story with us...I could identify to a lot of it...8 days is a big deal...., heck one day is too! Remember it's one day at time...keep posting!
Gidday Cookster
Congradulations on 8 days and keep talking and posting to get all the craziness that can occupy the mind out.
You know what i have been sober the same amount of time as you over the last eight days and it is one day at a time as VW said.
Light and love Zac
Congradulations on 8 days and keep talking and posting to get all the craziness that can occupy the mind out.
You know what i have been sober the same amount of time as you over the last eight days and it is one day at a time as VW said.
Light and love Zac
Thought I'd bump this post for Jones. I'm 10 months sober now, miracles happen. For me the key was to stop denying that I was out of control with regards to alcohol, once I could admit that to myself sobriety became possible.
one day at a time, Cookster
one day at a time, Cookster
