Hi guys... sorry but I am afraid this won't be a happy post... as much as i wish it was.
I have a childhood friend that I grew up with even though we were never able to go to the same school and were often cities apart we still were as close as blood. I had a fairly uneventful childhood... other than the occasional arguments between my parents when daddy was drunk. She on the other hand was abused by not only her mother but her uncle as well. She was tossed from home to home. She grew up to be a beautiful, and i do mean beautiful woman. She is about to graduate from medical school. I on the other hand ended up experimenting with drug after drug. I ended up a felon and a drug addict.
During the last year of my pill using she and i drifted apart. She would call while i was out using and out partying with another drug addict, who at the time i thought was my real best friend bc only she knew about my sick love for pills. I stopped returning her calls because i did'nt have anything in common with her anymore... after all she was a medical student and i was abusing the system. I didn't care what i was doing to her... to us... to our friendship.
After i got arrested i stopped hanging out with my drug addict friend... i haven't talked to her since the arrest. I don't know where she is at or what she is doing. She could be dead for all i know.... and honestly.... i really don't want to know. She is part of my past and i know that i never want to have anything to do with that part of my life again. Yeah, she's tried to contact me but i really don't care about her anymore... and that's harsh... but that is how i feel after everything we have been through.
Two weeks ago i tried to call my childhood friend and all i got was the voicemail. So i left a message and waited. About 30 minutes ago she finally called me. Guess what i found out? My childhood friend... the girl i grew up with... the girl i shared all of my hopes and dreams with... the one that i was gonna run away with as soon as we turned 18... is getting married. Yep, that's right... she is engaged. I feel like an idiot... i feel like the lowest life form there is. How could i have missed out on something so important in her life. See, we were supposed to be there for each other... at each other's weddings... at our baby showers. God, we were so close at one time and now nothing is the same. And it's my fault bc i chose those f***ing drugs over her. I chose hanging out with that low life b**** over her.
Yes, i am very angry at myself right now. I have been putting off dealing with this issue for a year now and everything is coming back to me full force.
Do we ever get over the pain that we have caused?
This is what drugs do to our lives... they take who we are and they destroy everything we care so much about.
Thanks for listening.
bri,
It's truely sad when we reflect and see the damage thats caused by our disease. I'd suggest this, for what it's worth....
Being clean and sober is great, the program is a guide for living right, if it were me, I'd show her I do still care by attending the church service and wishing her the best. Later on maybe the two of you can get together and chat, you can make an amend to her for not being around and why. Just a thought....
Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself.
Take care........Bob
It's truely sad when we reflect and see the damage thats caused by our disease. I'd suggest this, for what it's worth....
Being clean and sober is great, the program is a guide for living right, if it were me, I'd show her I do still care by attending the church service and wishing her the best. Later on maybe the two of you can get together and chat, you can make an amend to her for not being around and why. Just a thought....
Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself.
Take care........Bob
Hey Bri... I'm sorry you're hurting. It seems like when we're using that everything else in life passes us by, because we are content to just sit back, get high, and not even care. I think a lot of it, is that we feel not worthy of good things, because the pills lie to us and make us believe that. I know you're upset with yourself, but sometimes friendships wane. I have a couple of girlfriends in my life that we swore we'd always be the best of friends. We wanted to buy houses beside each other and our kids grow up together. Life happened, and it just didn't work out that way. I still love them, and if they called me today, or knocked on my door, we'd pick up right where we left off, because that's how friends are. I'm sure you're friend would understand, and I hope that you two can pick up right where you left off. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're a wonderful person, and I'm sure she knows that too.
Big Hugs,
DeNae
Big Hugs,
DeNae
Bob, thanks... i really appreciate it. It does hurt... it hurts really bad. I can't believe the damage that we cause when we are out drugging. Sometimes i think we are hurting our loved ones more than we are hurting ourselves. I think what hurts the most though is how much time has gone by since we talked. It's just mind baffling that so much has happened since i have been in the haze of drugs. We just have no idea what we are doing when we are out there. I think talking to her today was like a final realization of what i have really done. At least i have made my ammends and i just have to keep telling myself that is all i can do for now. You know the old saying... "actions speak louder than words". You are right... the best thing i can do is stay sober and hope that through that she knows i am serious.
Love and God Bless,
Bri
Love and God Bless,
Bri
Thanks Denae... your words really do mean alot to me right now. This is probably the worst of my recovery i have been through... making ammends to those we have hurt. Gosh, i am so afraid that it is like you said... that our friendship is fading. And you are also right about how when we are using it is so easy to just sit back, get high and not care and that when we are using we don't feel good enough. I didn't feel good enough to talk to her back then... to be honest i was ashamed of not only the drugs but the girl i was hanging out with. She was very trashy and much older than me... and it was so obvious that we were druggies. I guess i wanted to avoid hearing her tell me that i was doing wrong. It helps to get this all out to sort my thoughts right now... thanks for listening to me whine.
Love,
Bri :)
Love,
Bri :)
Bri, I can't add much more than what Bob and Denae have said....Just know that the wreckage of our past is never ending and all we can do is meet it head on and take care of it piece by piece.
Make your amends with her and be very grateful that you're around to see her get married. The rest really doesn't matter anymore. It's not who you are now.
This one made me cry....I can't count how many friends I've lost because of this disease. The up side of it is that I've made so many more....
Love
Lisa
Make your amends with her and be very grateful that you're around to see her get married. The rest really doesn't matter anymore. It's not who you are now.
This one made me cry....I can't count how many friends I've lost because of this disease. The up side of it is that I've made so many more....
Love
Lisa
Hey Bri... I worded that wrong. I didn't mean to imply that your friendship is fading. I was trying to say that relationships/friendships have their highs and lows... kinda like marriage.. you know how sometimes, it seems like you drift apart, and then after a little time passes, you realize it was just a phase, and then you can pick up where you left off... same way with friends.
I'm sure you two will recover your friendship and will one day be as close as you were. You have a history and nothing can take that away. I'm sure that she misses you and wants you back in her life. Don't measure yourself by your past. You are completely worthy of her friendship.
Hugs,
DeNae
I'm sure you two will recover your friendship and will one day be as close as you were. You have a history and nothing can take that away. I'm sure that she misses you and wants you back in her life. Don't measure yourself by your past. You are completely worthy of her friendship.
Hugs,
DeNae
Dear Lisa, thank you so much... you are right, i am not the same person i was back then. I try to remember the saying, "We will no longer regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." I am not sure if i am saying that right... but i think that is what the big book says. I have done all that i can for now... not much else i can do but put it in God's hands, huh? :) I am just so thankful that i had you guys to turn to today... i really felt lost when i got off the phone with her. She was the last of the people on my ammends list... and this why. I knew that this would be the most difficult... but at least i have done it.
Love you, Bri :)
Love you, Bri :)
Oops, sorry Denae... lol! Told you i was a bit of an airhead sometimes... but, in all honesty, i don't really know if even after being clean that we will ever really get back to the way we were when we were younger. Life really has gotten in the way... she's got so much going for her... i on the other hand am still struggling to find who i really am and what i want to be in life. I love her so much and i always will... i just don't know if we are on the same page... she just seems like nothing ever really gets to her and so strong... i am just the opposite. Only time will tell on this one... :) Love, Bri
If she's the last of the people on your amends list....wow, I am so in awe of you. If I worked at it every day for the rest of my life, my list would never be done. Ok, I'm exagerating...but you get the idea.
We don't close the door on our past, we just clean it up and learn from it. It is our past, it belongs to us but it does not shape who we are now. It's only there to serve as a reminder.
Give it to God.
Love you
Lisa
We don't close the door on our past, we just clean it up and learn from it. It is our past, it belongs to us but it does not shape who we are now. It's only there to serve as a reminder.
Give it to God.
Love you
Lisa
Hi bri,
My name is Laura. I am you and you are me. This is so crazy. I know you have posted to me before and i always have appreiciated your sweet replies. I really do admire you. I saw that you went to nursing school. I am just about to start nursing school. You have a son. so do i. he is 5 and i am 28. Sound familiar? Ok so here comes the really trippy part. I have a childhood friend that i have known since i was 3 years old. We went to different schools except for high school. We have always been like blood though. Honestly i don't think we've ever really been mad at eachother. I came from a two parent home, no abuse, no trauma, always had everything. Her parents got divorced and she had many problems with her mom and stepdad. She got raped in a park by our house in high school. So she had it sooo much worse than me. Anyways...my parents ended up getting divorced, we lost everything we had, (house, cars, etc.), my husband left me and took my son with him. I couldn't cope normally and i turned to painkillers because they were available and they killed my emotional pain at the time. So i was using for about 2 years and finally got on sub. (long story) Done with sub in August. Sorry i was off on a tangent. I have not talked to her since her birthday in Janurary. She knew i was having a drug problem. I kinda feel like she abandoned me during my toughest times. It is more than half my fault though for being so stupid. So i talked to my friend Jen last night and she told me that my childhood friend was mad at me and she did not want to invite me to her wedding. At first i still thought that she had not gotten married yet and i still had time to try to make amends. Then it was made known to me that the wedding had already taken place. Wow....what a blow. That realllllly sucks. I am totally shocked. I don't even know what to think right now. The thing is... i know we cause so much hurt, pain, and suffering. HOWEVER...if it was me i would have at least tried to find out what was going on with my friend that i was mad at before i got married. I feel like i have been judged to be a horrible person and a horrible friend because i went through some really tough sh**t. So anyways...i'm thinking about what i should do right now. I don't want this to ruin a 25 year old friendship. I'm a different person now that i am not using crazy amounts of pills. (you know how things change completely when you get clean) I think you must be my long lost twin sister! Let me know what you think girl. I think that this is a really crazy coincedence! Love Laura
My name is Laura. I am you and you are me. This is so crazy. I know you have posted to me before and i always have appreiciated your sweet replies. I really do admire you. I saw that you went to nursing school. I am just about to start nursing school. You have a son. so do i. he is 5 and i am 28. Sound familiar? Ok so here comes the really trippy part. I have a childhood friend that i have known since i was 3 years old. We went to different schools except for high school. We have always been like blood though. Honestly i don't think we've ever really been mad at eachother. I came from a two parent home, no abuse, no trauma, always had everything. Her parents got divorced and she had many problems with her mom and stepdad. She got raped in a park by our house in high school. So she had it sooo much worse than me. Anyways...my parents ended up getting divorced, we lost everything we had, (house, cars, etc.), my husband left me and took my son with him. I couldn't cope normally and i turned to painkillers because they were available and they killed my emotional pain at the time. So i was using for about 2 years and finally got on sub. (long story) Done with sub in August. Sorry i was off on a tangent. I have not talked to her since her birthday in Janurary. She knew i was having a drug problem. I kinda feel like she abandoned me during my toughest times. It is more than half my fault though for being so stupid. So i talked to my friend Jen last night and she told me that my childhood friend was mad at me and she did not want to invite me to her wedding. At first i still thought that she had not gotten married yet and i still had time to try to make amends. Then it was made known to me that the wedding had already taken place. Wow....what a blow. That realllllly sucks. I am totally shocked. I don't even know what to think right now. The thing is... i know we cause so much hurt, pain, and suffering. HOWEVER...if it was me i would have at least tried to find out what was going on with my friend that i was mad at before i got married. I feel like i have been judged to be a horrible person and a horrible friend because i went through some really tough sh**t. So anyways...i'm thinking about what i should do right now. I don't want this to ruin a 25 year old friendship. I'm a different person now that i am not using crazy amounts of pills. (you know how things change completely when you get clean) I think you must be my long lost twin sister! Let me know what you think girl. I think that this is a really crazy coincedence! Love Laura
all I can say is WOW! how amazing the similarities you have in your lives...
my brain isn't working because of this headcold, so I have no super fantastic share or any words of wisdom, just know that as long as you didn't totally burn your bridges, they can be mended...with love and time...
my brain isn't working because of this headcold, so I have no super fantastic share or any words of wisdom, just know that as long as you didn't totally burn your bridges, they can be mended...with love and time...
Dear Laura that last part was the thing.You ARE a different person who sees things differently.I am sorry to hear your so hurt by this friend.I know you say you would of "reached out to see if she was ok"if the shoe was on the other foot but maybe she just couldnt handle you being like that.As we are all learning our addictions tend to hurt more than just us.Its like a chain reaction in our lives.Hopefully we learn in time to make it up to our love ones.I know you said you needed to deside what to do about your friend & I would never try to tell anyone what to do but I will say this.When my dad died 3 years ago I was still a heavy user.He & I never had a good relationship & him being sick with Cancer didnt change that.Now I havent abused since Jan 05 & how I wish I still had time to show my father the different sober me.Who knows he may of loved it.I guess what Im saying is as long as you both are still alive you have a chance to work on building a friendship again.I know I turned this into a personal thing but really how many of us wish that we did something sooner????mj
Lisa... LMAO... well, what i meant was... the last of the people i am going to make ammends with on my list... trust me it is waaaay long... but many of them are unreachable so i have had to send some of it to God. The people on my list that i have made ammends to were mainly my family... i only had drug buddies from the time i was 17 so needless to say, I won't be talking to any of them any time soon... lol. I have been pretty much a loner from 17... just mainly staying around my husband and his drug buddies.
Janet... I hope you feel better! Go get some nyquil... that's the only thing that helped my crud this weekend. :)
Laura... wow... now that really is a blow. Oh my gosh... i don't know what to say... i am sorry you are having to deal with this too. You're right... if i was her i would have at least told you that i was getting married, you know? Are you excited about nursing? You will love it... i really did too... just wasn't in the stars for me. It's gonna be alot of work, but trust me it is worth it. I think our friends will eventually come around... maybe? I hope... but if they don't, at least we know in our hearts that we did the best we could by saying we are sorry. There's not much else we can do... other than stay in recovery. Maybe when you get out of nursing school she will see that you are doing better and that you are a changed person. If not... then you will always have memories of when you were close. Maybe if you write her a card and share some of the memories that you hang on to with her she will come around? I think i will get my friend a card and mail it to her... even if just to put closure to things. Man... that is crazy that we are both going thru the same exact things right now. :) Love, Bri
Janet... I hope you feel better! Go get some nyquil... that's the only thing that helped my crud this weekend. :)
Laura... wow... now that really is a blow. Oh my gosh... i don't know what to say... i am sorry you are having to deal with this too. You're right... if i was her i would have at least told you that i was getting married, you know? Are you excited about nursing? You will love it... i really did too... just wasn't in the stars for me. It's gonna be alot of work, but trust me it is worth it. I think our friends will eventually come around... maybe? I hope... but if they don't, at least we know in our hearts that we did the best we could by saying we are sorry. There's not much else we can do... other than stay in recovery. Maybe when you get out of nursing school she will see that you are doing better and that you are a changed person. If not... then you will always have memories of when you were close. Maybe if you write her a card and share some of the memories that you hang on to with her she will come around? I think i will get my friend a card and mail it to her... even if just to put closure to things. Man... that is crazy that we are both going thru the same exact things right now. :) Love, Bri
wow Bri, I thought that was a very happy post. While the story was sad, the ending is wonderful. You are in recovery and have another chance. Your real friend is still there and now you can make new memories.
Love, Kat
Love, Kat
MJ... i am sorry about your father... i do feel in my heart that he sees you now and is very proud of who you are. Love, Bri :)
Bri, I have Nyquil, but first of all, I just topped off a pot of chicken soup, complete with REAL garlic....mmmm....
Im sorry Bri I really wasnt trying to ME this post I guess I just wanted to say that as long as you are still here there are so many chances & things left to do.But thank you for what you said & its something Im working through thanks.mj
Hi again,
Just wanted to comment on something Lisa said; "The wreckage of our past is never ending".( something like that ), anyway, I believe it does get cleared up.
Either through direct amends, or prayers for those who are nolonger with us, or just the simple fact that eventually we become willing to make the amend should the opportunity present itself, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it", hopefully our past will help someone else in some way.
Our wreckage then becomes our greatest assett, Just a thought...
Take care.............Bob
PS...Love ya' Lisa, talk to ya' soon...*wink*
Just wanted to comment on something Lisa said; "The wreckage of our past is never ending".( something like that ), anyway, I believe it does get cleared up.
Either through direct amends, or prayers for those who are nolonger with us, or just the simple fact that eventually we become willing to make the amend should the opportunity present itself, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it", hopefully our past will help someone else in some way.
Our wreckage then becomes our greatest assett, Just a thought...
Take care.............Bob
PS...Love ya' Lisa, talk to ya' soon...*wink*
What I meant by the wreckage being never ending is that we can always find something that where we think we've wronged someone..at some point you have to give it to God, like Bri has done.
I'm ok with my wreckage now. It's not who I am but what I was.
Take care
Cowgirl
I'm ok with my wreckage now. It's not who I am but what I was.
Take care
Cowgirl
