Hi all,
I am new to this site but I want to talk a little about the situation before I ask my question.
I have been married for almost 2 years now. I have known my husband for 12 years. We met in high school and became best friends. We then started dating and had a great relationship. We ultimately broke up because of my family situation. We always kept in contact and checked in with each other. I have always been in love with him.
When we broke up I met a guy who ended up being extremely physically and emotionally abusive and while we were together I was blessed with my daughter. the physical and emotional abuse ended up being directed toward my daughter as well and I left him. Later on ended up reconnecting and getting back together with my now husband. Bio-dad has not been in my child's life for almost 5 years now and my daughter sees my husband as her father.
I did not know that my husband (when we got back together) was a functioning alcoholic. When he got his first DUI I thought it was a bad instance where he just drank too much the night before (even though I didn't know he drank) and paid no attention to it. Once our relationship progressed and we got engaged he got another DUI. During his first few months of probation I realized how severe his addiction was. I realized that not only does he have a problem but that his mother, father, and sibling do as well. I helped him create a plan for sobriety. It seems as though things will go well for a while and then it turns to an excessive binge (a 1.75 bottle or sometimes a litter in one day) where he blacks out, says horrible things, and often is so drunk that he ends up falling and hurting himself really bad because of the fall. I have carried him back to our apartment, thrown away his bottles stashed everywhere in the garage and house and even gone to the extent of cleaning up his pee messes (I know disgusting and I still did it).
Each time there is an excessive binge he adds another "sobriety activity" to his tasks for himself to stay sober. This works for a while, he communicates, he really tries and does well....and then another binging relapse occurs where the communication stops completely.
After a while I realized that I was giving into his addiction and manipulation by "cleaning up the mess" by picking up his responsibilities and making excuses for him. I resented myself for doing this stuff. I knew it was wrong but the worst part is is that I know the real person he is when he is not drinking and that's what really hurts. I believe in him a lot and I want him to be the best person he can be but I can no longer help him because I need to help myself and most importantly I raise my daughter.
Because of another really bad binge I have moved to "plan B" as of today. Let me talk a little about Plan A:
Plan A was to stay at the home and try to encourage, participate in his recovery, love, and be the positive reinforcement for him. Plan A has ultimately not gone well so I moved on to Plan B
Plan B:
Today, I packed clothes for me and my daughter and removed both of us from the home. I feel miserable for doing this but I know it is the right thing for me and my daughter.
Plan B is to step back. He is at the point where "I can do it myself and I don't need help." As we all know this is a toxic stage.
I am in hopes that this plan will give him the "rock bottom" he needs to hit in order to realize what a wonderful life he does have and to see the possibility of an even better life in the future. If this means this temporary parting turns into something permanent I know it will be hard but it is something I need to do in order to be a good mother to my daughter and to be a better person simply because I DO DESERVE IT!
MY QUESTION is
Could I please get some encouragement from you all? I am also a recovering alcoholic and have been sober since the day I left my daughter's bio-dad. I didn't get any professional help I just did it so I don't understand everything they way I should I guess. I really feel like I am doing the right thing here but part of me feels as if I am giving up on him.
Hi Tiffany
Get yourself to an Alanon meeting. They are all family members of alcoholics and will share their experience, strength and hope with you.
Good Luck
E.
Get yourself to an Alanon meeting. They are all family members of alcoholics and will share their experience, strength and hope with you.
Good Luck
E.
I don't have any experience with this at all but I AM going through a whole other set of issues related to a different addiction. I hope you don't mind but I read your story and was immediately touched by your loyalty and dedication to you partner and daughter. I have had a pretty limited personal experience with other people's addictions and also struggled with my own. I don't know how different this situation is from what I have experienced and I don't know if it applies, but one thing has been consistent for me. whether it was me or someone else stuck in addiction, it was always clear that until the person that's stuck really truly wants to change, they just won't do it. and in my experience it is clear as day the difference in a person that truly wants to change, and someone who knows they need to but isn't really ready or committed. I'm sorry I have no answers or real knowledge to share with you. I SO wish I did. It sounds like you are an excellent person and your daughter is lucky to have you. Be strong, be yourself and I really hope you find your way to the right road.
