DETACHING WITH LOVE
1. The upset families that are concerned about the addiction of a family member may experience problems in these areas:
a) Physical: health related problems such as headaches, hypertension, insomnia upset stomach, heart palpitations, etc.
b) Emotional: feelings of anger, resentment, loneliness, guilt, shame, depression, lack of ability to laugh, etc.
c) Social: isolation from family and friends, embarrassment, aggression towards others, control behaviour, etc.
2. Detaching with love or letting go involves making changes in our attitudes and behaviours toward others and making an effort to focus on ourselves.
Some guidelines to help are:
a) Change is a process. It comes slowly and is often difficult. We need to focus on progress and not perfection.
b) Begin to behave responsibly for one self and stop blaming our behaviour and attitudes on others.
c) Accept that what has happened in the past and accept what is happening now.
d) Practice the three "C"s:
1. We did not Cause the addiction
2. We cannot Control the addiction
3. We cannot Cure the addiction.
e) Stop using unhelpful words as: "why", "what if...", "should", "have to", "yeah but", "try", "can't", etc.
3. Five helpful steps to detaching with love include:
a) Get honest with yourself and others.
b) Spend time with people who understand.
c) Begin to trust in a Higher Power
d) Constructively dump the baggage such as resentments, anger, hurt, shame, etc.
e) Get and stay involved with Alanon, Families Anonymous, Narcanon and other support groups.
No contact rules
1. To keep my sanity and end this relationship, I must maintain NO CONTACT.
2. No contact includes every single form of contact with him/her..
2a. This also includes...do NOT ask friends/family about him/her and do NOT let friends/family tell you about him/her.
3. I will not email him/her.
4. I will not call him/her.
5. I will not send him/her letters, cards for any occasion or notes of any kind.
6. I will not text message, two way, fax or page him/her.
NO CONTACT MEANS - NO CONTACT
7. If he/she calls me, I will not answer the phone.
8. If he/she leaves a voice mail or answering machine messages, I will delete it without listening to it. (Anything he/she says is done to draw me back into his/her web of insanity.)
9. If he/she emails me, I will delete the message without reading it or answering it.
10. If he/she mails me a card, letter or note of any kind, I will throw it into the garbage can without opening it or reading it.
11. If he/she two-ways me, text messages or pages me, I will delete the message or the phone number and not listen to the message or return his/her call.
12. If I am ever tempted to do anything listed from 1-11, I will get to this board immediately and talk about it.
OR replace a hopeful reunion fantasy with a Clear Memory of a time that he/she insulted me, manipulated me, belittled me, made me cry, used my children, friends or family to demean me, embarrassed me in front of co-workers, family or friends or used sex or love as a way to intentionally hurt me.
13. If I feel like I am about to reach for the phone to call him/her, write, email, page, fax or text message him/her, I will count to ten and clearly ask myself silently, why am I doing this?
14. If friends and family are not supportive of my efforts to remove myself from this relationship, I will not discuss my personal life with them and will ask them sternly not to offer their opinions. My decisions about this are my own. This is My Battle.
15. If I find that the urge to speak to him/her or see him/her has overwhelmed me and I slip off the course, I promise to be kind to myself and patient with the situation.
16. I promise to be good to myself, forgive myself and allow myself to move on and not dwell on this for ever.
17. I will stop creating chaos in my mind & environment.
18. I will accept reality-The facts.
19. I will accept others for who they are.
20. My hands are off others responsibilities: I will tend to my own, focus on me.
21. I will refuse to believe any of his/her lies about how wonderful his/her life is now. Basing the truth on the past, I will assume him/her to be lying.
22. I will distrust every time he/she has a "change of heart".
23. I will journal all my positive and negative feelings.
24. I must accept my own responsibility in this relationship.
25. I will strive to find what it was that he/she invoked in me that created MY behaviour.
26. We must love ourselves.
27. Take time off before beginning a new relationship.
28. Find out what we need in a relationship, and go after that in a person that is worthy and has substance, morals, and ethics.
ACCEPT NOTHING LESS FOR YOURSELF!!!
I hope you's find these useful i did, all the best & remember your not alone on this one....
Dear Danielle,
I read your thread, and suppose from your last post that things did nt go as you wanted. I truelly am sorry - but I hope that you are checking and learning what you need to learn to cope.
Here are some crutial things you need to KNOW.
1. This has NOTHING to do with wether he loves you or not. I have no doubt that my husband and father of my child loved us more than anything - but this is a disease and it takes over. If he relapsed, did nt make it home clean that day it does nt mean he does nt love you.....or that your love was nt enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. It just does nt work that way and that is what you need to start training your head to do - to disasociate his addiction from your life. From what you do in the morning to what you do at night. It should not interfere with breakfast, lunch or dinner, with friends, family or work and it should nt rule your mood. You cannot be happy when he is clean and in a state when he relapses.....and I know it sounds impossible now but if you work on it - as a process you can get there. For that you need to keep the focus of life on you, what you need from it, what you like and what fills you.....and that must remain independent from his addiction.
In short: YOU DIDI NOT CAUSE IT.
YOU CAN NOT CONTROL IT
YOU CANNOT CURE HIM
I read your thread, and suppose from your last post that things did nt go as you wanted. I truelly am sorry - but I hope that you are checking and learning what you need to learn to cope.
Here are some crutial things you need to KNOW.
1. This has NOTHING to do with wether he loves you or not. I have no doubt that my husband and father of my child loved us more than anything - but this is a disease and it takes over. If he relapsed, did nt make it home clean that day it does nt mean he does nt love you.....or that your love was nt enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. It just does nt work that way and that is what you need to start training your head to do - to disasociate his addiction from your life. From what you do in the morning to what you do at night. It should not interfere with breakfast, lunch or dinner, with friends, family or work and it should nt rule your mood. You cannot be happy when he is clean and in a state when he relapses.....and I know it sounds impossible now but if you work on it - as a process you can get there. For that you need to keep the focus of life on you, what you need from it, what you like and what fills you.....and that must remain independent from his addiction.
In short: YOU DIDI NOT CAUSE IT.
YOU CAN NOT CONTROL IT
YOU CANNOT CURE HIM
Hi Danielle,my names Wes,well it's Chris really but that's neither here nor there,i haven't posted for ages and ages but i saw your story and thought i could have a bit of input.
I used to be exactly like your boyfriend,i had a seriously bad smak habit and hid it well from ny girlfriend but then she found out one day.I loved my girlfriend to peices,we were soulmates but i couldn't give up the smak She tried to help me at first, i'd get clean and she'd be over the moon but everytime,always after about two weeks,i'd go and score and after a few weeks she'd catch me again and again and the cycle went on and on and on for about six years in all.
The drug then started to turn me against her,i started to hate her,she was in the way of me and my first love,heroin.Now i wanted both,although i hated her i loved her,but the pull of the powder had the edge over her love and affection.I didn't want to be near her,didn't want to make love,that made her feel pushed away and we started to drift apart.I didn't want to be on my own so i kept lying to her that i was clean but in the end she gave me the final ultimatum,her or the gear.I told her that of course i wanted her,got clean again by going to meetings together but after a couple of months when things were going well again i went back on the gear.The addiction was just too strong.She found out again and left me,that was after 8 years and a little boy together.I was devastated,my addiction became ten times worse and i nearly died many times over from injecting various hard drugs.
You see,i'm sorry to say Danielle,i think it's all gonna end up in tears for you.Your story sounds very familiar to that of my ex girlfriend.She was absolutely stunning with a lovely personality,you sound the same.This drug is so powerful and is so so hard to give up and it sounds to me that your boyfriend isn't serious about kicking it for himself he's just doing it to please you so that you dont leave him and then he's on his own.I hope i'm wrong for your sake cos i know how hard it is for someone to deal with all the lies and heartache this s*** causes.
Good luck to you......Chris
P.S.hi to Robbie,Bryn and GYAC and anyone that remembers me.
I used to be exactly like your boyfriend,i had a seriously bad smak habit and hid it well from ny girlfriend but then she found out one day.I loved my girlfriend to peices,we were soulmates but i couldn't give up the smak She tried to help me at first, i'd get clean and she'd be over the moon but everytime,always after about two weeks,i'd go and score and after a few weeks she'd catch me again and again and the cycle went on and on and on for about six years in all.
The drug then started to turn me against her,i started to hate her,she was in the way of me and my first love,heroin.Now i wanted both,although i hated her i loved her,but the pull of the powder had the edge over her love and affection.I didn't want to be near her,didn't want to make love,that made her feel pushed away and we started to drift apart.I didn't want to be on my own so i kept lying to her that i was clean but in the end she gave me the final ultimatum,her or the gear.I told her that of course i wanted her,got clean again by going to meetings together but after a couple of months when things were going well again i went back on the gear.The addiction was just too strong.She found out again and left me,that was after 8 years and a little boy together.I was devastated,my addiction became ten times worse and i nearly died many times over from injecting various hard drugs.
You see,i'm sorry to say Danielle,i think it's all gonna end up in tears for you.Your story sounds very familiar to that of my ex girlfriend.She was absolutely stunning with a lovely personality,you sound the same.This drug is so powerful and is so so hard to give up and it sounds to me that your boyfriend isn't serious about kicking it for himself he's just doing it to please you so that you dont leave him and then he's on his own.I hope i'm wrong for your sake cos i know how hard it is for someone to deal with all the lies and heartache this s*** causes.
Good luck to you......Chris
P.S.hi to Robbie,Bryn and GYAC and anyone that remembers me.
thanks so much for your list. I have learned alot from this website. things were going good for a while and now he is back into the dope full swing. I can't take anymore. I am starting to hate him. I can't take being ignored, I would rather just be alone.
Hi Danielle, the feelings you are experiencing now are the start of YOUR recovery. Yes, you'd be better off alone. Like an addict who's serious about giving up the junk, you have to let the enormity of the situation dawn on you, and you have to accept it. Nobody said it was ever going to be easy. Yes, you will have a broken heart, and the pain will be bad. But the only way out is through. To get over it, you have to go through it. There's no sidestepping the issue. I hope that from all the postings you have read, you have understood that your love cannot save him. You have to visualise a goal now, and you have to let go of the fantasy that life can go back to the way it was before. It can't, and it never will. Think about yourself in six months or a year from now. Think about your life, free from the domination of his addiction. think of yourself getting out of bed in the morning and feeling relaxed and content, and going about your business without the constant knot of anxiety in your gut. Think about yourself looking back on this relationship, remembering the good parts and feeling relief that you are free from the bad stuff.
He may or may not sort himself out, but that is not your problem. It's his. Your problem is how to heal yourself after the nightmare you have been living, and you can't heal if you keep walking back into the ring, coz you're just feeding yourself to the lions. Life is precious. Your life is precious. Don't waste it dying for a lost cause. You didn't cause the problem and you cannot fix the problem. And feel no guilt. Despite what you may think, or what he may tell you, by leaving him alone to deal with his own mess, you are doing him a favour. by cushioning the blows for him, you are encouraging the addiction. Addicts have to face up to their own mistakes, and the more you leave them to their own devices and stop "being there" the quicker that is likely to happen. An addict will latch on to anything that will enable them to keep using, and they are a leech, and they'll suck the blood out you, and when you're all used up, they'll go onto to somebody else to leech off. Don't let yourself be that person.
love
diff xxx
He may or may not sort himself out, but that is not your problem. It's his. Your problem is how to heal yourself after the nightmare you have been living, and you can't heal if you keep walking back into the ring, coz you're just feeding yourself to the lions. Life is precious. Your life is precious. Don't waste it dying for a lost cause. You didn't cause the problem and you cannot fix the problem. And feel no guilt. Despite what you may think, or what he may tell you, by leaving him alone to deal with his own mess, you are doing him a favour. by cushioning the blows for him, you are encouraging the addiction. Addicts have to face up to their own mistakes, and the more you leave them to their own devices and stop "being there" the quicker that is likely to happen. An addict will latch on to anything that will enable them to keep using, and they are a leech, and they'll suck the blood out you, and when you're all used up, they'll go onto to somebody else to leech off. Don't let yourself be that person.
love
diff xxx
Dear Diff,
I know your right. Now I just have to listen and do it. I feel bad for wishing I never met him. I loved him so much in the beginning. Before the dope stepped in. I want that guy back.
I hope that your doing well. How are you feeling? I know how rough the last tri-mester is. You can't sleep or move or even get comfortable because you feel so big. I remember feeling in the last month that I kept losing my breath because my belly was sooo big. I know that laying on my left side with a pillow propped up under my bent right leg always made me comfortable. If that helps, I hope. I hope all is well on your end.
Soon you'll have a new little baby to love.
All the best,
Danielle
I know your right. Now I just have to listen and do it. I feel bad for wishing I never met him. I loved him so much in the beginning. Before the dope stepped in. I want that guy back.
I hope that your doing well. How are you feeling? I know how rough the last tri-mester is. You can't sleep or move or even get comfortable because you feel so big. I remember feeling in the last month that I kept losing my breath because my belly was sooo big. I know that laying on my left side with a pillow propped up under my bent right leg always made me comfortable. If that helps, I hope. I hope all is well on your end.
Soon you'll have a new little baby to love.
All the best,
Danielle
Hi, I have jst split yet again from my bf. I must reiterate that we love each other very much but I had faith in him from the start not really knowing about the drug. He wasnt on it at the time but had been taking it for 10 years solid and he suffered but he tells me that he was a bad person, not meaning to be but he just didnt care, he didnt have a conscience. He had a serious car accident and almost died and was hospitalised for quite a while then was sectioned to the "nut house" pardon my expression for losing it. The heroin had done this to him along with everthing else. We got together and he has always worshipped the ground i walk on but he has never worked and me having everything he didnt didnt feel right. he is a good person and is very sweet but he just had no confidence. the confidence grew being with me and its was great. he had been on the suboxtex and eventually came off it which was an experience and he was so poorly but I was so proud of him. unfortunately though this is when the heartache starts - alcohol. he got the taste for it, we was always in the pub and i was fed up and drinking all the time and having to be up very early in the morning i was getting really down with the whole situation. it calmed down and then i thought his behaviour was a bit strange and his attitude changed like a different person and we had had an argument. i got up in the night as i hurt him earlier shouting on the phone to his old mate (he too takes heoin). i went in the living room and opened this little brown box and i nearly died there was a foil wrapped with the stuff, i stormed in and confronted him not quite sure and he came up saying it was his friends but i said dont lie and then he stormed out, leaving me heartbroken and disappointed. he came back as i kept calling as he had drove off in the car. the next day after feeling really washed out and confused his eyes were so glazed and he was really snappy and i knew he was lying. later that evening i said i want the truth and it came out and he couldnt stop himself and i felt sick. what do i do? anyway i gave in as i love him but said my trust has gone and you need to start over to gain my trust. he turned to the drinking again but not every night but when we dd go out it was fast drinking and then he would go physcho on me, very rare on anyone else and it was not nice. he just used to turn on me saying i was never satisifed. can i please explain he would never go anywhere i liked to go somewhere decent but always the places where all the dregs go and i hated it. i put up with this buut he would always storm off and disappear and i knew he was on the stuff i used to look on his phone when he came back and i would see loads of calls to certain suppliers who he would tell me about as he does hate the stuff and he doesnt want to be hooked on it again. he always says i have too much to say bt deep down he admire me for saying what i do and caring fo him.. anyway he never got any work and i have been getting really down wiht the situation but loved him more than ever and him me but he was also smoking the weed and that was getting too much. its just annoying and frustrating when i have had a busy and stressful day at the office and he is fit for nothing but i must admit we have always had great sex every day and many times so that has never been an issue. he is really depressed now and has run of to his flat telling me how much he loves me and then in the next breath calls it a day as he says he doesnt deserve me i should have someone so much better who can give me everything i deserve. i do want him but yes i want him to work too so we can have better life, he has been offered a job and i was really proud and then when i spoke to him it didnt sound as if it was going to be at the garage he wanted and was scared off going back to work, i understand it is going to be a big step for him. he is depressed and him ending it has broken me but i he really loves me and i want to help him. i dont know if he is back on the stuff or dabbling i really dont know but i dont know what to do. sorry for waffling but i love this man and drugs he has/is on though he denies it are making him do things i know he doesnt really mean but everyone seems happy that i will now find someone who has more to offer me, i dont want anyone else, he is my sweetheart.
