Okay, here goes. I have been lurking here for awhile, just trying to understand. I want to say first off that you have all helped me more than you could possibly know. Just by finding this site and reading all of your stories, I feel that I have gained a new respect for and better understanding of this demon that we are fighting. My husband is the one battling addiction, but I feel like I am battling it as well, for it really does infect everything that it comes in contact with.
I have loved this man since I was little more than a child, and have spent half of my life devoted to him. Together we have 3 beautiful boys, ages 6, 2 and a baby that was just born in Nov.
My husband comes from a family of addicts, each with their own doc. His opiate addiction is fairly recent, starting out dabbling a few years back and really becoming a noticeable problem a little over a year ago. However, I have always seen in him an addictive personality, and he has had battles with both alcohol and coke in the past. He has done a little of everything, short of crack, and seems to be addicted to the high in general, wherever it comes from. He tends to be an extremist, always pushing the envelope a little further than he should.
Last year is when things really started to get out of control. He was always lying and spending money we didnt have to spend, and I began to suspect a pill problem. It started out with percs and vics and then oxys. First chewing, then snorting. In May, he was involved in an accident at work, he was not hurt, but saw it as an opportunity to pretend to be in order to better feed his growing addiction. Feed it he did, and it grew to be bigger than he could handle. Having lost his job and spent most of our money, he apparently turned to heroin , cause he said it was cheaper and more effective. In August, we were on the edge of divorce when he told me that it had become a problem and he was scared. At that point, he was going through pills like they were candy and had been snorting heroin for a few weeks. He came forward and said he needed help. I didnt know anything about any of this and said I would support him when he said he wanted to taper down. He wasnt working at the time, but said that he was afraid of it being on his permanent record if he went to a treatment center, so he wanted to try to detox at home. His mom doled out the pills as he tapered down and I tried to be as supportive as possible as he went through wd. I didnt have any idea what to expect, so I believed him when he said it was over with. A few weeks later he started to go back to his old ways. Small amounts of money disappearing left and right, short trips to the store that lasted hours, lies lies and more lies. I questioned him but of course he denied. He got a new job in October, a good job, but things were getting worse between us. Then when his first paycheck was suppose to come, it didnt. I had the baby via c/s in the beginning of November. The baby had some problems which kept him in NICU for awhile. It was then that I knew things were out of control. I was out of work and we were then relying on him to support us. He kept leaving the hospital and was not himself when he was there, and by the second day, he was gone altogether. The night I came home, he was suppose to come get us but was nowhere to be found. Later that night, after he took our toddler on a run to the store, he came back and was acting really funny. He looked like he was drunk, but without the smell of alcohol. I later found out that he had taken somas.
Then right after Thanksgiving, he was staying at his moms cause we were fighting. He promised our oldest that he would come over to see him and never showed up. He came by the next morning looking for gas money. I have never seen him so messed up. He couldnt walk straight, he was slurring and his eyes - those beautiful green eyes, were just rolling around in his head. When I did manage to get him to try to focus on me, they looked so dead and void that I had to look away to keep from crying. He was like that all day long, just totally out of it. He would wake up from time to time, stumble into walls on his way to the kitchen to get food, eat like a pig, mumble some stuff that made no sense, then go back to sleep. The next day he remembered none of it, didnt even know where his car was or how he got here. He said he had taken something like 30 different pills, a mixture of opiates and benzos. He told me he needed help and that it was out of control, he was scared. A couple hours later he left to go on another run.
Since then he was supposedly tapering off. He was taking ultram and muscle relaxers every day. It seemed to me that nothing was changing. Sure enough, he got paid again and spent all but 30 dollars. He said half of it was debt he had to pay due to fronts he had gotten, the rest on new pills. Tylox I think? So basically, I havent gotten a dime from him in two months now, all of our bills are going unpaid, I have had to beg food from my mom and his for the last two months, and we have a whole 30 dollars for christmas presents for our 3 boys.
We talked last night - he says he wants help but we have no money and he is unsure of going into treatment. He says its because of his job, but I told him he has more to lose than his damn job. He says that he hasnt done any heroin in months, that the muscle relaxers are fairly new and he doesnt think hell have a problem with those, just that he cant sleep very well. He says that he is not taking anywhere at all what he was before, just 5 or so 7.5 mg a day. Percs, vics, oxys if he can get his hands on them - and last night he had Tylox. He said that what he doesnt understand is that before he was taking a lot more and would start to feel wd after about 3 days of not having them - but now he says that even though hes taking much less , he thinks about them constantly, 24 hrs a day, and he feels like he is wd much faster. He claims to know he needs help and to want it, but has yet to do anything about it. He liked the idea of the sub when I told him that he could detox safely and without wd and feel normal again. He says all he wants is to feel normal - that it seems like an unattainable concept anymore, he is so bitter and depressed. The problem with the sub is that we have no money at all, and wont for awhile. I told him he needs to go to detox and not worry about his job. He wants to know how long he would have to go for and what it would be like. Maybe someone knows?
I dont know what to do at this point. I know it isnt my step to take, but he says that he needs my help and I love him and I want to help him. He has asked me to find some more information on different treatment methods. I think he is doing all he can to just make it through the day and appear to function normally. He says that by the time he gets home from work, it is either too late or he is too tired. Hes really depressed and seems to get overwhelmed so easily. From reading your posts and listening to him, it seems the things he is feeling are almost textbook. I want him to find the help he needs before he really slips away from us, if he hasnt already.
What can you tell me about his options? I dont think this is something he can do at home. What would detox be like and how long would he go? What is extensive outpatient? Partial hospital/day treatment? Is ct an option? What would that be like?
I know this was a very long post and I very much appreciate you taking the time to read it. I dont know where to start really, but to share this. Maybe someone can help.
Hi and welcome! I read your post and just thought i would share about my stay in detox and inpatient rehab. I went to detox first. This is where they taper you very quickly. I was completely off of opiates by the 5th day. That is usually how long you stay... or it was that way at the one i went to. I liked it bc i was able to focus only on me... no worries about work or taking care of my family. I was then given the opportunity to do extensive outpatient or inpatient at a rehab. I chose the rehab bc i knew, for me that i had underlying issues i needed to work on. This was the absolute best route for me. I know how hard it is to stay away from family and our jobs and other responsiblities. But i also know that without help i might have died or ended up in prison. There is hope... believe me... and it is a long bumpy road but it can be done. You are such a good person for supporting him... please keep coming back... we're glad to have you here. Love and God Bless, Bri :)
There is hope, believe it or not. It's easy to get clean and white-knuckle sobriety for a while but the real challenge lies in the long run. It's an overused cliche but it holds plenty of water when they say that he needs to want it badly. After detoxing, you folks have to do the research as to what avenue you'll take to keep him clean. I would suggest NA/AA as it's free and it works if he works. We've all been where he's been and it's no walk in the park. I commend you for sticking in there, you must be a determined and strong-minded individual. If it weren't for my wife, I never would've made it. Good on you and give him another chance, there is a light at the end of this tunnel, he just needs to catch a quick glimpse of it.
My trick for detoxing is an obscene amount of exercise by the way. Works like a charm.
G-d bless you guys and have a smooth holiday season. Hang in there, Mom.
My trick for detoxing is an obscene amount of exercise by the way. Works like a charm.
G-d bless you guys and have a smooth holiday season. Hang in there, Mom.
Welcome to the board!
You will find more people to talk to, and more support if you put this post under the Friend/Families of Addicts forum.
You will get some posts from the addicts on here, but you will have more people to talk to on the other forum.
Good Luck!
Good morning Flipper!
You will find more people to talk to, and more support if you put this post under the Friend/Families of Addicts forum.
You will get some posts from the addicts on here, but you will have more people to talk to on the other forum.
Good Luck!
Good morning Flipper!
Welcome to the board. My name is travis and I am knd of new here as well. You said this isn't your step to take, but I have to say you are the only one who is capable of taking the steps. Your husband deperatly needs trearment and goin to rehab will not hurt his future. There are Dr.s who go to rehab. It seems like he wants a buzz and it doesn't matter what drug he is taking. You are the mother of three beautiful children. You are going to have to tell him that he needs treatment, It will save his life and the future of your family. At this rate he won't be around much longer. Call your local rehab centers in your area and they will tell you all the info you need. Support him. Let him know he is not in this alone.. Good luck
Travis
Travis
Novermber,
I read every word and I must say I stopped before writting this and said a little prayer for God to give me the words... I dont know... but this is what comes to me...
first ... when you said this isnt your step to take you are right... it isnt... I understand you desparate to do something to help and you are... you are doing more than your share. He has hopefully come to a very important cross road in his DISEASE ... to realize it is out of his CONTROL... those words are very important... disease .. this is a disease.. plain and simple.. not a moral defect .. not anything else.. yes at first we make choices to 'feel good'.. but at some point and most of us cant tell you when it changes .. but it does.. our chemistry and psychological brain tells us together that if we dont get our 'fix' we will die.. just like we feel if we dont get water or food.. it is intertwined in that part of our survival brain. .. and it is at that point it is not within our control to stop.. when we are still under the influence and not CLEAN... we have no control of our will to stop... we need intervention of others to stop.... it is only after a period of time of being clean that we have any control at all of using and that is marginal.. only a daily control of what we put into our bodies is what we can control.. not the cravings or the obsesions just the daily action of do I put this into my body or not.. it can be that simple and that hard at the same time.. but that only come after being clean....
now... as far as 'being on his record'... that is a legitimate concern, however not all that legitimate at this point. Our mental health records as far as imployers are under a special release of information code and are separate ... but having said that .. I suspect that he is using this as an exuse. He may not fully realize it but.... our addict brain tell us many things to protect itself and its supply of drugs... but at this point in his use and taking the 'mixure' as you described.. this is now a matter of LIFE AND DEATH for him.. I do not want to scare you but it is... addiction eventually takes all of us to three place before it is over... jails, institutions and death... some hit all three .. some skip a step or two... but the end is always the same if left untreated.... but let me say again .. you can only do so much and his recovery is HIS responsiblity....
My recommendation would be definately inpatient detox and then a 28 day rehab... because you can not be sure he is being completely honest with you regarding how much or what he is taking ... he may not even know or remember... this is a very dangerous game when detoxing.... he definately need medical supervision... as for the inpatient rehab.... well those days will give he a good foundation to get a clear head, a working knowlege of a recovery program, tools to use for cravings and obsessions, maybe hook him up with some outpatient services, or work programs if he needs them, .... ect... he needs to concentrate on himself and his recovery.. not his job or his family.... this sounds selfish but it is.. if he has any hope of getting free of this .. this is my suggestion in my opinion....
You need to take care of you and your family right now... you can be supportive but you can not for his sake as well as your be an enabler... giving him money and or a car to drive ( if it is yours) while under the influence is well..... your boys will learn his behavours.. you need to set limits and boundaries... consequenses if you will... I would definately suggerst you start going to alanon meetings... just as I would ask you to suggest NA or AA meetings for him... read all you can about this disease... it does effect the whole family but you can play an important role in stopping the CYCLE as you noted it is a cycle in your husband.. you know you have boys and if you can see what this did in you husbands family do you really what to turn an enabling blind eye and take a chance in this happening to them....
Just to be clear ... I am not telling yuou to leave him or anything of the sort... but I would suggest for your children always keeping open lines of communication when appropiate and counseling ... not allowing him access to them when you know he is still using ( like taking them to the ' store' .. man I was scared reading that..)...
I do wish you all the luck and God's protection in the world... I know this cant be easy... I will be thinking of you often... keep posting...
Teresa
I read every word and I must say I stopped before writting this and said a little prayer for God to give me the words... I dont know... but this is what comes to me...
first ... when you said this isnt your step to take you are right... it isnt... I understand you desparate to do something to help and you are... you are doing more than your share. He has hopefully come to a very important cross road in his DISEASE ... to realize it is out of his CONTROL... those words are very important... disease .. this is a disease.. plain and simple.. not a moral defect .. not anything else.. yes at first we make choices to 'feel good'.. but at some point and most of us cant tell you when it changes .. but it does.. our chemistry and psychological brain tells us together that if we dont get our 'fix' we will die.. just like we feel if we dont get water or food.. it is intertwined in that part of our survival brain. .. and it is at that point it is not within our control to stop.. when we are still under the influence and not CLEAN... we have no control of our will to stop... we need intervention of others to stop.... it is only after a period of time of being clean that we have any control at all of using and that is marginal.. only a daily control of what we put into our bodies is what we can control.. not the cravings or the obsesions just the daily action of do I put this into my body or not.. it can be that simple and that hard at the same time.. but that only come after being clean....
now... as far as 'being on his record'... that is a legitimate concern, however not all that legitimate at this point. Our mental health records as far as imployers are under a special release of information code and are separate ... but having said that .. I suspect that he is using this as an exuse. He may not fully realize it but.... our addict brain tell us many things to protect itself and its supply of drugs... but at this point in his use and taking the 'mixure' as you described.. this is now a matter of LIFE AND DEATH for him.. I do not want to scare you but it is... addiction eventually takes all of us to three place before it is over... jails, institutions and death... some hit all three .. some skip a step or two... but the end is always the same if left untreated.... but let me say again .. you can only do so much and his recovery is HIS responsiblity....
My recommendation would be definately inpatient detox and then a 28 day rehab... because you can not be sure he is being completely honest with you regarding how much or what he is taking ... he may not even know or remember... this is a very dangerous game when detoxing.... he definately need medical supervision... as for the inpatient rehab.... well those days will give he a good foundation to get a clear head, a working knowlege of a recovery program, tools to use for cravings and obsessions, maybe hook him up with some outpatient services, or work programs if he needs them, .... ect... he needs to concentrate on himself and his recovery.. not his job or his family.... this sounds selfish but it is.. if he has any hope of getting free of this .. this is my suggestion in my opinion....
You need to take care of you and your family right now... you can be supportive but you can not for his sake as well as your be an enabler... giving him money and or a car to drive ( if it is yours) while under the influence is well..... your boys will learn his behavours.. you need to set limits and boundaries... consequenses if you will... I would definately suggerst you start going to alanon meetings... just as I would ask you to suggest NA or AA meetings for him... read all you can about this disease... it does effect the whole family but you can play an important role in stopping the CYCLE as you noted it is a cycle in your husband.. you know you have boys and if you can see what this did in you husbands family do you really what to turn an enabling blind eye and take a chance in this happening to them....
Just to be clear ... I am not telling yuou to leave him or anything of the sort... but I would suggest for your children always keeping open lines of communication when appropiate and counseling ... not allowing him access to them when you know he is still using ( like taking them to the ' store' .. man I was scared reading that..)...
I do wish you all the luck and God's protection in the world... I know this cant be easy... I will be thinking of you often... keep posting...
Teresa
NovemberRain ,
How honest an answer do you want? If he was ME, this is what I would think about myself. He is not ready/willing to quit. I can list options, but, you can lead a horse to water.....
1) If you have no money, I assume they have a county detox center (in our area we call them "spin-drys".) Ours handle mostly alcoholics, but they handle other drug addictions as well. In there, we do have physicians who can prescribe medications to help with withdrawals. They also give out information on programs to give support, like NA/AA or other group therapy types. They also give out information on maintenance therapies like methadone or suboxone.
2) Personally, myself, I detoxed in a hospital, but I have good insurance. Even with that, including all the intensive outpatient therapy I received, I still had a bill of $3,800. And, I promptly relapsed, what a joke. The first thing I kept thinking is look at all the money I wasted. I should have been looking at how I was wasting my life. Now I use AA and 2 sponsors. Its free and man, this is the first friends I made in 15 years! It has kept me completely clean and sober.
3) As for withdrawal symptoms, that will depend upon which drugs he is using, in what dosages, and what the taking pattern was. The stronger the opiate, the larger the doses, the more constant the intake (as opposed to a "spike" pattern), the worse the withdrawals. They appear withing 12-24 hours after last dose (longer for methadone and tramadol) and they will include: chills (hence "cold turkey"), body aches, runny nose, "restless legs" (that is why it is called "kicking the habit" and abdominal cramps and diarrhea. Later sypmtoms will include anxiety and sleeplessness.
4) As for other drugs like benzos, I would consult a physician, I only used them a small time during my withdrawal and after I did research on them, I threw out (or should I say my spouse threw out) the remaining prescription. They are dangerous and their withdrawal can make opiate withdrawal look like a picnic.
5) As far as methadone and suboxone goes, if he is using benzos, at all, NO WAY for those maintenance therapies. They absolutely do NOT go together.
6) Oh, and that gets to the crux of the matter. He has to be HONEST (to you and preferrably an addiction physician) about what and how much and how often he is taking stuff. Without it, all this is moot.
7) For YOU, I really, really recommend Al-anon. They have some fantastic ideas for you to learn skills to deal with this. Best way I have seen of learning loving detachment. Because right now, you don't have a husband. The body might be there, but that is about it. Forget about whether he is depressed. First, he has so many drugs in there, you can't possible know the basal state and second, being depressed (I have depression) is not an excuse to use.
8) What a book I have written. You situation sounds dire. I know my spouse wouldn't put up with it. I know if that was me (i.e. I was your husband), I WOULDN'T put up with me. Wow.
How honest an answer do you want? If he was ME, this is what I would think about myself. He is not ready/willing to quit. I can list options, but, you can lead a horse to water.....
1) If you have no money, I assume they have a county detox center (in our area we call them "spin-drys".) Ours handle mostly alcoholics, but they handle other drug addictions as well. In there, we do have physicians who can prescribe medications to help with withdrawals. They also give out information on programs to give support, like NA/AA or other group therapy types. They also give out information on maintenance therapies like methadone or suboxone.
2) Personally, myself, I detoxed in a hospital, but I have good insurance. Even with that, including all the intensive outpatient therapy I received, I still had a bill of $3,800. And, I promptly relapsed, what a joke. The first thing I kept thinking is look at all the money I wasted. I should have been looking at how I was wasting my life. Now I use AA and 2 sponsors. Its free and man, this is the first friends I made in 15 years! It has kept me completely clean and sober.
3) As for withdrawal symptoms, that will depend upon which drugs he is using, in what dosages, and what the taking pattern was. The stronger the opiate, the larger the doses, the more constant the intake (as opposed to a "spike" pattern), the worse the withdrawals. They appear withing 12-24 hours after last dose (longer for methadone and tramadol) and they will include: chills (hence "cold turkey"), body aches, runny nose, "restless legs" (that is why it is called "kicking the habit" and abdominal cramps and diarrhea. Later sypmtoms will include anxiety and sleeplessness.
4) As for other drugs like benzos, I would consult a physician, I only used them a small time during my withdrawal and after I did research on them, I threw out (or should I say my spouse threw out) the remaining prescription. They are dangerous and their withdrawal can make opiate withdrawal look like a picnic.
5) As far as methadone and suboxone goes, if he is using benzos, at all, NO WAY for those maintenance therapies. They absolutely do NOT go together.
6) Oh, and that gets to the crux of the matter. He has to be HONEST (to you and preferrably an addiction physician) about what and how much and how often he is taking stuff. Without it, all this is moot.
7) For YOU, I really, really recommend Al-anon. They have some fantastic ideas for you to learn skills to deal with this. Best way I have seen of learning loving detachment. Because right now, you don't have a husband. The body might be there, but that is about it. Forget about whether he is depressed. First, he has so many drugs in there, you can't possible know the basal state and second, being depressed (I have depression) is not an excuse to use.
8) What a book I have written. You situation sounds dire. I know my spouse wouldn't put up with it. I know if that was me (i.e. I was your husband), I WOULDN'T put up with me. Wow.
Hi - I'm really sorry to read about the pain you're going thru. And your three boys...it's just so sad. My take is simply that you love your husband, but he's in love with the drugs. Sad but true. Until you do something drastic, IMO, he will just keep dragging you down with him. I would take care of you and the boys first. If your actions can spur him to get help, great! But it seems like he is in so much denial, and has underlying issues that need professional help. He's a full-blown addict, and so rehab/detox appears to be the best choice. You could benefit from alanon or similar.
You might not see it this way, and I don't want to seem harsh, but until you do something drastic you're enabling him. Just the fact all the money's gone, you need to get food for the children from your mom, few if any presents for the boys at Christmas. He's sucking the life, literally and figuratively, right out of his family. If you really love him you need to shake him up in a big way.
I pray you both get the help you need. Take care of your kids and yourself. Drug addiction is the ultimate in selfishness.
Jim
PS - Check out the Families / Friends of Addicts forum.
You might not see it this way, and I don't want to seem harsh, but until you do something drastic you're enabling him. Just the fact all the money's gone, you need to get food for the children from your mom, few if any presents for the boys at Christmas. He's sucking the life, literally and figuratively, right out of his family. If you really love him you need to shake him up in a big way.
I pray you both get the help you need. Take care of your kids and yourself. Drug addiction is the ultimate in selfishness.
Jim
PS - Check out the Families / Friends of Addicts forum.
btw..
I am not sure what state you are in.. .but... my rehab and detox was paid for... there are programs .. you just have to look.. but he needs to be made to help.... if you do it for him then it is YOU doing his recovery....
Money v. life in the ultimate balance should be not a real choice.... and as I hesitate to say this..and keep in mind that it comes from a recovering addict.. there are in extreme circumstances situations where involuntary comitment of a 72 hour nature are waranted... just an option if he is an immenent danger to himself or others....
Teresa
I am not sure what state you are in.. .but... my rehab and detox was paid for... there are programs .. you just have to look.. but he needs to be made to help.... if you do it for him then it is YOU doing his recovery....
Money v. life in the ultimate balance should be not a real choice.... and as I hesitate to say this..and keep in mind that it comes from a recovering addict.. there are in extreme circumstances situations where involuntary comitment of a 72 hour nature are waranted... just an option if he is an immenent danger to himself or others....
Teresa