Hi I'm Reshie. Most here know me. For those who are new, I'm the obnoxious, attention-seeking S.O.B (are we allowed to use that?) full of "Oh woe is me and why am I not living Mick Jagger's lidestyle" and...you get the drift. There was one thing I felt gave me a sense of moral anchorage and if I were to be really honest (dare I say it) a sense of SUPERIORITY over others and it was...... Just cuz I managed to stay clean.
When others criticisied my attitude yeah I'd make a token gesture at trying to do something about it, tinkering with it, counselling/N.A/apologies galore( though never sincere; they were only done to 'get my foot in the door' as it were ) but probably worst was developing this superiority complex and at the root of all such complexes is the basic notion of " I am better than you". There are of course many different ways to disguise,present,connive etc....but right at the heart lies this basi tenet that all Narcissitic/arrogant/self-adulation whatever word you choose: "I AM BETTER THAN YOU". Not because of anything I've accomplished which frankly isn't much or because I am more beautiful (anon site) or my possessions are more numerous or etc......
I've come to this realisation because no doubt the world over,thousands have just done what I have just done;namely relapsed. In spending NY eve dressed like a penguin ina top hat and tails (LOL) ,it hit me at some point that the only difference btw me and all the other overdressed pompous pri(ks was that I had a habit which I had just undone by accepting the offer of a "chase". Right back to square one but as they say;'every cloud has a silver 'lining....etc......' so maybe this is my chance to rid myself of my pompous supercilious mannerisms and work on my recovery at the sa,e time.
oh why am i writing this? No one wants to read it and even id they did the mods will have whisked it off nefore then. Call it a msg in a bottle #2 or,or a as far as the mods are concerned, i won't be trying to disguise risque words and comments in btw sentences ok mods
Good night all. A very happy New Year to everyone and the best of the year to come. My warmest regards to all and best wishes in their recovery.
In my case, I found that until I let go of my attitude of "I'm better than you", my recovery foundered. My inflated ego was no use to me whatsoever in my battle to stay clean. In fact, it was a major obstacle.
None of us is better than the other.
We're all just at different points along the road to recovery, or the road of life as it were.
One thing all of here share is the desire. The desire to stay clean and the desire to help others do so as well.
Back to square one? Been there. We all have; some more than others.
Keep up the good fight, Resh. You're worth it.
Godspeed to you my friend.
Mark
None of us is better than the other.
We're all just at different points along the road to recovery, or the road of life as it were.
One thing all of here share is the desire. The desire to stay clean and the desire to help others do so as well.
Back to square one? Been there. We all have; some more than others.
Keep up the good fight, Resh. You're worth it.
Godspeed to you my friend.
Mark
You almost had me there, yup ya almost did but then you added some flowery wording and the "WOE IS ME" stuff in your last paragraph showed not much has changed yet. Happy New Year to you and yours Reshie.
Hi Resh
Really sorry to hear you've relapsed mate. But you've got clean once, you can do it again right? Best foot forward and all that. I can talk - I'm a serial relapser, not to the gear though, to opiate pain pills. Just easier for me to source...We'll get there, we have to.
I'm a bit confused by the main gist of your thread tho. In your post entitled 'self harm' on the 'other addictions' board you complain that others on the heroin board falsely and unjustly accuse you of self-aggrandisement. Yet in this post you appear to say you ARE guilty of that and the accusations are correct. Which is it? Seems to be a bit disengenuous to me. Just sayin'.
Have a happy (clean) new year,
J
Really sorry to hear you've relapsed mate. But you've got clean once, you can do it again right? Best foot forward and all that. I can talk - I'm a serial relapser, not to the gear though, to opiate pain pills. Just easier for me to source...We'll get there, we have to.
I'm a bit confused by the main gist of your thread tho. In your post entitled 'self harm' on the 'other addictions' board you complain that others on the heroin board falsely and unjustly accuse you of self-aggrandisement. Yet in this post you appear to say you ARE guilty of that and the accusations are correct. Which is it? Seems to be a bit disengenuous to me. Just sayin'.
Have a happy (clean) new year,
J
JONESY MATE BEST WISHES FOR 2011 I'VE GOT A FEELING ITS GOING TO BE A GREAT YEAR FOR YOU BABES. YOU'VE DONE SO MUCH, COME SO FAR THATS WHY I KNOW YOU MY FRIEND WILL MAKE IT. IVE MADE A SPACE IN MY HEART JUST NOW AND FILLED IT WITH HOPE AND LITTLE BIT OF STRENGTH FOR WHEN YOU NEED IT MOST. MUCH LOVE KITTY XXX
Oh Kitty, thankyou so so much. You really are a very special person. I can't believe you're thinking about me when you've been through so much yourself, especially recently with your health problems. Onwards and upwards my love, onwards and upwards! Here's to 2011 being a better year for us all. Cheers (holds out a virtual glass of champs)!
@KITTEKAT: The "Oh woe is me isn't life so unfair blah blah...." was my way of decribing how I USED to view life after I'd gotten clean 1st time round. My way I guess of describing my own penchant for self-pity and how I seemed to think the world revolved around me. Am I making sense? I used to think :" clean time...huh; big fcuking deal, what about all my real problems, MY difficulties, MY problems with paying the bills and the rent and the....MY,MY,MY...." It wasn't until I fell off the wagon that I realised how insignificant they are and that everyone else has them. They don't feel compelled to write long-winded novellas about them or relate stories in great detail showing how my life has become such a tragedy that the feasable way out was to do something highly illegal and immoral. Everyone's gotta pay 'em bills but no one else makes a bleeding great big drama outta it. Do they? You know KK, in a funny sorta way, I kinda thought when I kicked 1st time round that the world owed me something. I know it sounds insane and just by writing it I know there's going to be hell to pay with a long queue of peeps lining up to give me a good hard kicking for that attitude but hell KK, I don't know why but hey there you go. It was almost like:" Hey man I've kicked smack. Do you know how hard that is huh? Do you huh?So where's my medal? And where's my free ticket to the theatre and....."I think you get my drift. And when it didn't happen, I reacted in a variety of ways which I won't bore you with. In any case, they're all up here on the boards somewhere. Fact is, I quit smack. So damned what? Get over myself. Get real. Which I am having to do right now.Thanks for the support KK. I know you didn't far off despise me not so long ago which frankly I really don't blame you. I'd have felt the same about an arrogant little pri(k like me too so it means that much more. Ijust wanted you to know that ok.
@JONESY: Thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot. As you've probably gathered, I ain't gotta lotta mates here so thanks. In answer to your question, when I wrote about how I felt others were nasty and so on and so forth, it was just me being churlish and hitting out at others. That's the simple answer. The reality was quite different. We can say anything we like; I dare say I revelled in using my ability with words to show off, to put others down, as a showcase to spin what was (and still is) a very mundane,ordinary life into appearing as a James Bond-esque type life.
A bunch of thugs saying "Oi, meet us round the back of these apples and pears; caam on chop chop. You know there's a bit o a drought on rwight. Wanna make a few bob or wot? Don't spend too long thinkin aba t**. Anythin go pete tong mate you breathe a fackin word and yer ruby red;gottit? Na sling yer ook."
That took half a decent paragraph. Why not then use a little "artistic license" to expand it? Fine if this was a book of short stories, not however appropriate on a website such as this. Does this answer your question? I hope it does.
@JONESY: Thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot. As you've probably gathered, I ain't gotta lotta mates here so thanks. In answer to your question, when I wrote about how I felt others were nasty and so on and so forth, it was just me being churlish and hitting out at others. That's the simple answer. The reality was quite different. We can say anything we like; I dare say I revelled in using my ability with words to show off, to put others down, as a showcase to spin what was (and still is) a very mundane,ordinary life into appearing as a James Bond-esque type life.
A bunch of thugs saying "Oi, meet us round the back of these apples and pears; caam on chop chop. You know there's a bit o a drought on rwight. Wanna make a few bob or wot? Don't spend too long thinkin aba t**. Anythin go pete tong mate you breathe a fackin word and yer ruby red;gottit? Na sling yer ook."
That took half a decent paragraph. Why not then use a little "artistic license" to expand it? Fine if this was a book of short stories, not however appropriate on a website such as this. Does this answer your question? I hope it does.
@MAINLYMARK: Thanks for your support. Right now I need all the support I can get.
This is the thing about WDs I just don't get. Once should really be enuf. After the 'orrible sweatin pukkin crawlin up 'em walls hullucinatin etc etc....we're sane peeps rite? Shouldn't we just say " I ain't neva goin thro that again hoo noo". But we don't. Against every law of common sense and everythin that is sensible, we go back. Sometimes for 100s of times. Sometimes foreva. Sometimes it drives us crazy to the point we end up cutting ourselves cos we dont know what else 2 do. and just when we think we cant take anymore, we go back. we go back FOR-SOME-MORE ! .I just dont get it. i dont get why perfectly sane people the world over punish ourselves like this day after day,year after nightmare year, but for some reason we do. I wuz just thinking bout that and it just struck me as either some sort of mass collectivised insanity or some kind of disease. Either way, it just makes no sense. Does it? If someone has worked it out please PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME. Cos I am just about going nuts here.
This is the thing about WDs I just don't get. Once should really be enuf. After the 'orrible sweatin pukkin crawlin up 'em walls hullucinatin etc etc....we're sane peeps rite? Shouldn't we just say " I ain't neva goin thro that again hoo noo". But we don't. Against every law of common sense and everythin that is sensible, we go back. Sometimes for 100s of times. Sometimes foreva. Sometimes it drives us crazy to the point we end up cutting ourselves cos we dont know what else 2 do. and just when we think we cant take anymore, we go back. we go back FOR-SOME-MORE ! .I just dont get it. i dont get why perfectly sane people the world over punish ourselves like this day after day,year after nightmare year, but for some reason we do. I wuz just thinking bout that and it just struck me as either some sort of mass collectivised insanity or some kind of disease. Either way, it just makes no sense. Does it? If someone has worked it out please PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME. Cos I am just about going nuts here.
It's a disease, and an insidious one at that.
If the pain of withdrawals were enough to keep us clean, there wouldn't be any heroin addicts.
This disease has to be treated aggressively and continuously if one has hopes of staying clean.
That's my opinion and a truth for me.
I start with "one is too many and a thousand never enough". Then I move beyond that to treat all the facets of my being that addiction has warped.
It's a big job, but somebody has to do it! lol
If the pain of withdrawals were enough to keep us clean, there wouldn't be any heroin addicts.
This disease has to be treated aggressively and continuously if one has hopes of staying clean.
That's my opinion and a truth for me.
I start with "one is too many and a thousand never enough". Then I move beyond that to treat all the facets of my being that addiction has warped.
It's a big job, but somebody has to do it! lol
Resh
Just wanted to say -your not alone my friend- -
Do the best you can-> ask for help- <-Its the askin for help that is the hardest part for some of us**
A very good new year to ya-
best regards
jack
Just wanted to say -your not alone my friend- -
Do the best you can-> ask for help- <-Its the askin for help that is the hardest part for some of us**
A very good new year to ya-
best regards
jack
Just want to see that I understand completely. You are not alone. We all think or thought we were special. Keep trying. You are worth it!
Thanx everyone for they're support. I am just grimly determined that this is going to be my last time. Ever.
Working on accepting my past today. Someone (KK I think) said something like "....sitting around monged out whilst your life drifts by.." That really echoed in me. I think it's a big part of my self-loathing; that I've wasted a good deal of my life and I can't seem to accept it. Find I have to keep making other aspects that much better,more interesting, more meaningful, like sorta cram the wasted years into the bit b4/after using so it makes up for it. Somehow means I haven't "sat around zonked and allowed a big part of life to drift by". Trouble is I have. I just need to find a way to accept it.
