Does anyone else find themselves rationalizing the irrational? For example, my son recently admitted he starting injecting drugs, but he said hes injecting safely. For a moment I bought what he was selling. He made it seem less harmful than it really is.
I understand the concept of harm reduction. Hes using sterile needles and sterile cups procured from a harm reduction facility. Though I appreciate that this IS safer than using a dirty needle, there is no such thing as injecting safely. Intravenous drug use is, by nature, unsafe.
I constantly check myself when I feel myself rationalizing the irrational, which he does so well. Im getting better at it though.
Oh yes been there myself Yellowbirds. Its a way our mind can cope with the horror in front of us. After years of this, I don't do it anymore. Your son is fooling himself. My daughter has blown every peripheral vein in her body and when she was in the hospital a couple months ago for 5 days for a staph infection (from an injection abcess) the only vein the nurses (and doctors) could get into was her neck vein to give her the high dose IV antibiotics she needed. Scar tissue forms in the vein every time they use. Her body is full of track marks. Still not enough to keep her from using....
A coping mechanism - thats exactly what it is. How else do you cope with the horror that your child is killing themselves before your eyes?
For the last two years, I wanted to believe him. I didnt want to acknowledge what was happening, but I see more clearly now. If it feels wrong, it usually is. My gut knows what my heart doesnt want to be true.
Im so sorry your daughter was in the hospital with an infection caused by the IV drug use. I am a nurse so I see it all the time. IV drug users are at risk for a host of health problems (spinal abscesses, endocarditis, etc). Professional boundaries preclude me from sharing my own story with the family members of these patients in the hospital setting, but I feel their pain acutely.
Thank you for sharing your story.
For the last two years, I wanted to believe him. I didnt want to acknowledge what was happening, but I see more clearly now. If it feels wrong, it usually is. My gut knows what my heart doesnt want to be true.
Im so sorry your daughter was in the hospital with an infection caused by the IV drug use. I am a nurse so I see it all the time. IV drug users are at risk for a host of health problems (spinal abscesses, endocarditis, etc). Professional boundaries preclude me from sharing my own story with the family members of these patients in the hospital setting, but I feel their pain acutely.
Thank you for sharing your story.
My daughter is 25. She is beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and creative. If you saw her you wouldn't know she has an addiction to heroin. She doesnt get high anymore she just uses to prevent withdrawl. Many many detoxes and rehabs I've lost count sadly....a failed sober living. She started using drugs at 13 and it progressed to IV heroin about 3 years ago. Looking back knowing what i know now I would have been more aggressive with her when she was younger but I was in too much denial to think rationally back then.
I dont doubt your daughter is everything you describe, and more. The same is true about my son. One of the hardest things for me is seeing him being treated like a drug addict, when hes so much more than that.
Im so terrified of the future and so desperate for advice - which is often conflicting, depending who I speak to - that I dont know how I continue to get up every morning. Kick him out, let him hit rock bottom, stop trying to control him, control him more, force him into treatment (its not possible where I live, at any age), etc. Ive exhausted every resource available to us, yet he isnt budging. The help is there but he has to be willing to accept it voluntarily, and he knows it.
Right now Im focusing on forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for enabling him, for not being stronger, for not seeing the signs sooner, for being inconsistent, for hiding from the truth because it was more painful than I could bear to see.
Theres a part of me that thinks his death would be easier to grieve than his continued life living this pain. I apologize if this is insensitive to those who have lost their children. To my overwhelmed brain this represents a relief from his pain - a pain I literally cant bear to see.
Im so terrified of the future and so desperate for advice - which is often conflicting, depending who I speak to - that I dont know how I continue to get up every morning. Kick him out, let him hit rock bottom, stop trying to control him, control him more, force him into treatment (its not possible where I live, at any age), etc. Ive exhausted every resource available to us, yet he isnt budging. The help is there but he has to be willing to accept it voluntarily, and he knows it.
Right now Im focusing on forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for enabling him, for not being stronger, for not seeing the signs sooner, for being inconsistent, for hiding from the truth because it was more painful than I could bear to see.
Theres a part of me that thinks his death would be easier to grieve than his continued life living this pain. I apologize if this is insensitive to those who have lost their children. To my overwhelmed brain this represents a relief from his pain - a pain I literally cant bear to see.
Yellowbirds, SallyAnna: us too! We are right with you - rationalizing, enabling. We too are TRYING to save ourselves because we can't save him from himself. He always hid behind the woman in his life but after his divorce, he brought his stress to us - lying, anxiety, depression. We saw the reckless behavior & knew it was just a matter of time before he loses it all.
Right now our only offer to him is we will help get help if you choose to get it (I have the numbers of a government run crisis assessment center) and IF he seeks & gets help and agrees to stick with his follow up care, we will pay for a roof over his head for a few months until he gets a job. We will not co-sign or get him a long term lease - we would find a cheap, month to month rental.
This concept is very new to us. Even though he has been an addict most, if not all, of his adult life now is the only time that he has made his problems our problems so taking care of ourselves is very new, very raw & really isn't easing our anxiety yet. Right now he's not speaking to us
Right now our only offer to him is we will help get help if you choose to get it (I have the numbers of a government run crisis assessment center) and IF he seeks & gets help and agrees to stick with his follow up care, we will pay for a roof over his head for a few months until he gets a job. We will not co-sign or get him a long term lease - we would find a cheap, month to month rental.
This concept is very new to us. Even though he has been an addict most, if not all, of his adult life now is the only time that he has made his problems our problems so taking care of ourselves is very new, very raw & really isn't easing our anxiety yet. Right now he's not speaking to us
Mtnmom - Im so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I get your pain.
Here is some EXCELLENT rationale.
Local meth maker states he was making "safe meth".
That way his customers didn't have to worry about being poisoned.
Hilariously Sad.
Local meth maker states he was making "safe meth".
That way his customers didn't have to worry about being poisoned.
Hilariously Sad.
Wow. Just... wow (*facepalm*)
Yes, here too. It is part of our process, especially early on. It takes time to come out of the denial and the coping mechanism. We want to believe the lies as much as the addict at times. My son will tell me a story that I follow right along with. Some times it takes me a couple minutes, and sometimes a couple of months to realize my denial has caused me a logical block!
My main block is when he tells me some story about a normal day he has had or someone drops him off and he tells me a story of a normal kid...but there are those red flags and those annoying little reality smacks in the face.
I just try to be distant and objective lately. It does help to pull my claws out of the situation and let it go....of course, it is not easy and always, always a process.
My main block is when he tells me some story about a normal day he has had or someone drops him off and he tells me a story of a normal kid...but there are those red flags and those annoying little reality smacks in the face.
I just try to be distant and objective lately. It does help to pull my claws out of the situation and let it go....of course, it is not easy and always, always a process.
Our son actually had us convinced (so stupid on our part!) that he was going into the weed delivery business & was making a lot of money (it's legal in the state) We were so stupid to truly believe a "recovering" drug addict could go into that business.... STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!! So I have to constantly remind myself - I didn't cause this, this isn't my choice & he has to make the decision - whatever his decision is...
Mtnmom - this is one of the hardest things we face. The knowledge that weve fallen for our sons rationalizations, and our intermittent buying in of those rationalizations have made us accomplices in his downfall. This is why my focus is now on forgiving myself: I am a human being doing my very best. I didnt cause this and I cant control it. We are all struggling, not just our children.
Please be kind to yourself. As parents, we are doing our best in an impossible situation. I promise to try to do the same.
Please be kind to yourself. As parents, we are doing our best in an impossible situation. I promise to try to do the same.
