I had a relapse. I didn't realize how deep I was until just now.
My father recently passed. He meant the world to me and my mom. Well, I visited my mom to help her out, but I was the fool. I visited my old source, easy to find since it's a storefront. I just wanted something to make me happy.I brought some back with me. I don't know what I was thinking. I ran out, started scraping the pipe, all acts of desperation. Eventually I recognized what I was doing and ditched it all, the empty bags and pipe I was scraping.
Withdrawals began hours later, resisting finding that pipe was difficult, but I did.
Initially I thought I was going to die. I lost all feeling in my nerve endings, my muscles were rigid, I had the shakes like crazy, my core temp went wild (I went from sweating profusely to freezing for no reason at all). Eating is difficult, I didn't eat anything the first four days (it kept coming back up). I drank lots of water - about a gallon a day. A few sports drinks to replenish electrolytes, gummy vitamins to keep basic nutrients in me. A week later, I can hold small things down, feeling is restored (although still dull), and I still can't sense how hard I'm pushing my muscles (I can't tell how heavy my cats are at all, lifting them gives no feedback). Oh, and of course intense cravings. I still can't shake them. There's other symptoms too - I got a minor cut that just scarred instead of healing properly, and of course sex has no appeal, but those are probably just secondary.
My mom relied on my dad for a lot, so now I have to move back to help restore her independence. I have to move into a house a mere 3 blocks from my source. My relapse lasted almost a whole month, from the initial buy till I decided to withdraw. In two days, I'll be facing temptation again, constantly, and this is the second time I've gotten clean I've only been clean a week!
I know I need an accountability system, a reason to stay clean. But I'm scared I'll be judged by traditional groups, so I tried relying on friends/girlfriends. Unfortunately, with this move, I'll lose all of them, and my ex's don't want to even talk about it with me anymore. And after hiding it from my mom for so long (initial addiction was over 2 years long), it's difficult to rely on her. I was clean for 5 months before I moved out (and I did it all on my own), 16 months before I relapsed.
I'm also an alcoholic, since I've been living alone (about 12 months now) I've been drinking about 12-18 beers per evening, due to depression. I've had three 4-day spurts of sobriety, so I know I can stay sober, the reason I hadn't was mainly out of boredom and depression (I was clinging onto a relationship that obviously wasn't working out, one short date every three weeks should have been my sign).
My life is in shambles, I can't get into school this fall due to timing and of course I won't have a job initially, I recently destroyed a car by maintaining it poorly (lesson learned), went through a bad breakup then screwed up the next relationship by relapsing.I plan on seeing a psych for underlying anxiety/depression issues (which I clearly have), but that won't help me stay clean. I'm 27. It's time I got a grip on life. I need to stay clean.
Is there anyone I can talk to with a similar experience, and how to cope with it? I'm scared and I'm going to be alone. I need people to talk to, I need to be reminded constantly. I need support and recovery.
tl:dr I wasn't coping as well as I thought I was, time dulls all feelings. I thought I could do it without help, but I was wrong.
You can find help as millions do at AA & NA meetings.
You will not be alone, you will be with folks just like you who are recovering.
Get to the meetings and find out how they stay clean/sober.
All the best.
Bob R
You will not be alone, you will be with folks just like you who are recovering.
Get to the meetings and find out how they stay clean/sober.
All the best.
Bob R
