I have been attracted to this girl & just started dating her. She is an amazing musician and I'm heavily in the honey moon period of our love, a time where it is easy to overlook and forgive behaviors. My intuition is telling me she is early on path to deeper addiction.
She likes to drink and says that the hard thing about drinking is you always want more. But she will hold back on work nights. She likes to go to music festivals & recently went without me to a 3 day music event where she binged using MDMA, alcohol and coke, a lot of coke. She told me it was nice to get to be free and get that "out of her system." It was an emotional cleanse for her.
I'm pretty sure she is fitting all the traits for someone who could develop a problem. Part of me knows staying with her will heavily affect my emotional and everyday stability & balance. I do not struggle with addiction, and am fairly emotionally mature. I'm also 33, my girlfriend 23. Should I just end it now because she has to chose to battle the demon now? Through my research I am seeing there is not much I can do? Is that 100% true?
Will I sign up for a gaurentee of suffering? She's still so young, positive and seems to be able to hold back and function, can I keep her on that path? I know I could be a good drug free influence? Or am I just kidding myself? What's the best thing for everyone? The love is so new it's hard to throw in the towel.
You should have an idea yourself what to do. What are her friends like? Are you ever around them? That's an addicting drug, cocaine! Some get addicted to it the first time they try it. Maybe with you being older can turn her around as she might still be in the partying mode. But whatever you do don't let her influence you to try drugs. Hope it works out for you but if you think it won't, walk away now!
In town she doesn't have a very regular social life, but once a month she goes to hang out with friends further away that I haven't met and they get wild with drinking (plus more?) and she's extremely curious about hallucenegenics and wants me to try them with her. Her siblings have struggled with addiction, and let's say she has all the ingredients to be an addict, but she hasn't "fallen into the rabbit hole" WHAT DO I DO if I love her, or want to love her? Because from what I understand I can't get someone to stop, right?
The
Follow your gut. You know the right thing today. Make the decision using your brain and nothing else. You know what I mean. It's new. Let her family give her direction.
My son has been struggling 8 years. She's young and may not be ready. Good luck!
Paula
Follow your gut. You know the right thing today. Make the decision using your brain and nothing else. You know what I mean. It's new. Let her family give her direction.
My son has been struggling 8 years. She's young and may not be ready. Good luck!
Paula
Be glad you've only dated her for a month and move on. You might be sad for awhile but it will be worth it in the long run. You sound a nice guy and will meet someone great who will be right for you. Don't settle for less than you deserve and you deserve better than this.
My two cents....WARNING: Im blunt and don't p**** foot around. I am a 50yr old recovering addict...and have also LOVED addicts . I have been on both sides of the coin.
The fact that you used RED FLAGS in your subject line says it all.
Normal social drinkers do NOT say things like "the hard thing about drinking is you always want more"....they just DONT.
Saying that she binged for 3 days felt freeing and an emotional cleanse is just a nice way for us to excuse our behavior....it makes us feel it was OK. PLEASE trust me on this.
It is 100 percent CORRECT that YOU can't help her and you ARE guaranteed suffering...you ALREADY know this because you said it will effect your stability.
YOU are already showing signs of co-dependency by using phrases such as "keep her on a path" and "drug free influence".
YES...you are KIDDING YOURSELF. I mean is this the type of relationship YOU want....caretaking a young addicted girl? Or do you want a partner who is your equal and can share in you emotional mature life?
Most people get offended by my posts. The truth is I think we come on these boards for SOMEONE, ANYONE,to give us a shred of hope....ANY small a** chance that we can HELP, CONTROL, INFLUENCE, TAKE CARE OF,another who is addicted, even though we ALREADY KNOW IN OUR HEARTS WE CANT.
I only try to help...save another person from wasting precious time and energy focused on an addict, because I did it for years. People ask questions but don't like my answers. I REALLY do hope this helps you....
The fact that you used RED FLAGS in your subject line says it all.
Normal social drinkers do NOT say things like "the hard thing about drinking is you always want more"....they just DONT.
Saying that she binged for 3 days felt freeing and an emotional cleanse is just a nice way for us to excuse our behavior....it makes us feel it was OK. PLEASE trust me on this.
It is 100 percent CORRECT that YOU can't help her and you ARE guaranteed suffering...you ALREADY know this because you said it will effect your stability.
YOU are already showing signs of co-dependency by using phrases such as "keep her on a path" and "drug free influence".
YES...you are KIDDING YOURSELF. I mean is this the type of relationship YOU want....caretaking a young addicted girl? Or do you want a partner who is your equal and can share in you emotional mature life?
Most people get offended by my posts. The truth is I think we come on these boards for SOMEONE, ANYONE,to give us a shred of hope....ANY small a** chance that we can HELP, CONTROL, INFLUENCE, TAKE CARE OF,another who is addicted, even though we ALREADY KNOW IN OUR HEARTS WE CANT.
I only try to help...save another person from wasting precious time and energy focused on an addict, because I did it for years. People ask questions but don't like my answers. I REALLY do hope this helps you....
Thanks for all your input. I am seeking to understand from people who have more experience than I do. I've been researching as much trying to understand addiction as I can. Many people tell me it's normal to "try it all" and have crazy times like that when you are young. I feel like I wouldn't mind if this was a year or two where my girlfriend enjoys "having fun" sometimes. But if it lead to a downward spiral I could see that being a deal breaker. But I haven't seen the actual spiral, just know the potential so it's hard to let go right now. Lust does play a role in all this-- thanks for the person who pointed that out as a motivation to be aware of and not fall into...
Thanks for pointing out the codependent pattern that is already starting. I tell myself because I am older and established in work and my identity it is ok to date someone who won't influence me in any bad direction--
Could someone please tell me what risk I am taking? I mean, how could this ruin my life? If I want to be a good influence on someone I love and care about -- what is the consequence to me?
Thanks for pointing out the codependent pattern that is already starting. I tell myself because I am older and established in work and my identity it is ok to date someone who won't influence me in any bad direction--
Could someone please tell me what risk I am taking? I mean, how could this ruin my life? If I want to be a good influence on someone I love and care about -- what is the consequence to me?
How about STDs or Hep C? You really think she's off partying and not hanging with other guys? Three days away at a time is a while to be gone from you. I wonder does she live at your apartment or her own? Does she have money in the bank? Does she have a job? A car?
I see what you are saying Natalia-- you are saying the direction that it leads to could be me catching disease-- definitely gross, and someone who is dependent on me taking my resources so she can continue with her disease. But right now, she has a car, a job and her own living situation...
So I will meditate on these things. Basically I could resolve to keep it light. Take it slow and take care of myself first and foremost. And I have to remember it's not my job to try to change or help her... But what is my job if I love her?
So I will meditate on these things. Basically I could resolve to keep it light. Take it slow and take care of myself first and foremost. And I have to remember it's not my job to try to change or help her... But what is my job if I love her?
I don't think you are listening. You are looking for validation because you think you love this young person after 1 month. Is it love or lust? I'm not trying to be mean but you aren't listening.
I would not walk, I WOULD RUN.
You ask what could happened?? A lot ....many sleepless nights, stress, nerves, stealing, verbal abuse and that's just the beginning.
Many of us wanted to help our loved ones. We also have good morales but that doesn't matter.
She is drinking and doing coke. Come on.... Is that what you really want ??
I would not walk, I WOULD RUN.
You ask what could happened?? A lot ....many sleepless nights, stress, nerves, stealing, verbal abuse and that's just the beginning.
Many of us wanted to help our loved ones. We also have good morales but that doesn't matter.
She is drinking and doing coke. Come on.... Is that what you really want ??
Thanks everyone. Sounds like I have a choice to make, where one is wise and one is dumb and I shouldn't fool myself.
I really do wish you the best. We are all being honest with you.
My son Has OD,been in many hospitals, 10 rehabs, 11 or more sober livings, almost died,
Found him in the streets messed up, in jail, in bad shape under bushes, homeless, etc.
Don't do this to yourself.
Take care
Paula
My son Has OD,been in many hospitals, 10 rehabs, 11 or more sober livings, almost died,
Found him in the streets messed up, in jail, in bad shape under bushes, homeless, etc.
Don't do this to yourself.
Take care
Paula
The-
My daughter just turned 21. She started "dabbling" with heroin in her 2nd semester of college. (She was about 18.5 yo) She said she was only using it occassionally and it wasn't getting in the way of her studies. She was away at college, living in the sorority house. I wonder if she had a stable, older, more grounded, sober friend or boyfriend at that time, would she have graduated to being a full-blown addict, dropping out of college, Od'ing, etc. Who knows?
I commend you for wanting to be that voice of logic and reason to her. And, maybe she is at a crossroads. . .maybe shes not an addict/alcoholic (yet) . . .maybe she is just partying. But I agree with everyone else that the red flags you mentioned should not be disregarded, dismissed or ignored. No one should knowingly and willingly sign-up for the hell that loving an addict/alcoholic brings.
PLEASE do not put any more of your emotions into this relationship right now. I'm not suggesting that you drop-kick her to the curb tomorrow. I AM suggesting that you slow the "love" part of your relationship down, build the friendship part. Take some time to observe and reflect on what she is and is not doing. And then make a decision with your eyes wide open: do YOU want more than friendship?
Never forget, tho. . .when someone shows you their true colors, believe them!!!
Wishing you all the best,
Lynn
My daughter just turned 21. She started "dabbling" with heroin in her 2nd semester of college. (She was about 18.5 yo) She said she was only using it occassionally and it wasn't getting in the way of her studies. She was away at college, living in the sorority house. I wonder if she had a stable, older, more grounded, sober friend or boyfriend at that time, would she have graduated to being a full-blown addict, dropping out of college, Od'ing, etc. Who knows?
I commend you for wanting to be that voice of logic and reason to her. And, maybe she is at a crossroads. . .maybe shes not an addict/alcoholic (yet) . . .maybe she is just partying. But I agree with everyone else that the red flags you mentioned should not be disregarded, dismissed or ignored. No one should knowingly and willingly sign-up for the hell that loving an addict/alcoholic brings.
PLEASE do not put any more of your emotions into this relationship right now. I'm not suggesting that you drop-kick her to the curb tomorrow. I AM suggesting that you slow the "love" part of your relationship down, build the friendship part. Take some time to observe and reflect on what she is and is not doing. And then make a decision with your eyes wide open: do YOU want more than friendship?
Never forget, tho. . .when someone shows you their true colors, believe them!!!
Wishing you all the best,
Lynn
Ask yourself this question....Is it normal to get into a relationship with someone who Im trying to be a GOOD INFLUENCE on? What is SHE giving to the relationship? Well besides the obvious....
What do you have in common? If you are in it to have "fun" this is another story....just watch your a**. If you are looking toward building a relationship with a lifelong partner I totally agree with the others ....run ...dont walk. Im curious as to what she says when you discuss these worries with her...
What do you have in common? If you are in it to have "fun" this is another story....just watch your a**. If you are looking toward building a relationship with a lifelong partner I totally agree with the others ....run ...dont walk. Im curious as to what she says when you discuss these worries with her...
Yeah, I'm going to have to extricate myself from pursuing a serious relationship for sure. What I do see is someone at the crossroads, and I keep thinking or wishing I play some positive role of influence. I never touch drugs, have zero interest and I'm a disciplined athlete type who could easily give up caffeine, sugar and alcohol (I am naturally not even immersed in those innocent vices) -- so why the heck would a girl who likes to party want to even hang out with me unless a small part of her recognized that she could be free like me?
I can pull back on my deep feelings for sure. Pulling back on the human biology aspect is difficult, but as I imagine worst case scenarios even our fun times will become less fulfilling. I get that. We do have similar tastes and interests in food, culture, music. We play music together.
She's dedicated to music and as a profession her music crowd is filled with impulsive folks and drugs everywhere. And that is her professional path-- so even if she recognized she is vulnerable to addiction, her career would be filled with constant temptation it seems like. ITS VERY HARD TO WATCH.
Because I like her music I'd probably stay her friend after breaking up. It's just so overwhelming. It's hard to break up with someone you just started dating only because you anticipate they will travel into a destructive future. Like, how do you even say it?
"Hey, I have to break up with you because you are young impulsive and dangerous."
Or like: I'm worried you are struggling with addiction and you have to play that battle out without me.
???
What's the smooth way to address it-- it makes a difference if it is at a crossroads, or is there no difference. She'll do what she does and nothing about my role changes anything?
I can pull back on my deep feelings for sure. Pulling back on the human biology aspect is difficult, but as I imagine worst case scenarios even our fun times will become less fulfilling. I get that. We do have similar tastes and interests in food, culture, music. We play music together.
She's dedicated to music and as a profession her music crowd is filled with impulsive folks and drugs everywhere. And that is her professional path-- so even if she recognized she is vulnerable to addiction, her career would be filled with constant temptation it seems like. ITS VERY HARD TO WATCH.
Because I like her music I'd probably stay her friend after breaking up. It's just so overwhelming. It's hard to break up with someone you just started dating only because you anticipate they will travel into a destructive future. Like, how do you even say it?
"Hey, I have to break up with you because you are young impulsive and dangerous."
Or like: I'm worried you are struggling with addiction and you have to play that battle out without me.
???
What's the smooth way to address it-- it makes a difference if it is at a crossroads, or is there no difference. She'll do what she does and nothing about my role changes anything?
I'm thinking you like to be the white knight...like to rescue damsels in distress...like to be the one in control. .does this really have anything to do with her...or is this about you and your need to fix broken people...a 3 day binge is a pretty good indicator on what you can expect ...a functional addict is still an addict until they aren't. ..I should know. .i am one...and I love playing guys like you...your good for money...sympathy. ..and whatever else I need...because you want to fix me...I'm also a musician...did 20 years and more...and I'm here to tell you..that's a road your not ready to travel....move on...
Point taken.
Hard to hear, but I have to hear this stuff, thank you.
Hard to hear, but I have to hear this stuff, thank you.
Think maybe a simple...don't think we want the same things...or...think maybe our directions are really different. .might do...
Peace
Con
Peace
Con
Hit the nail on head Con....unfortunately a lot of us "girls" are looking for a "daddy".....
possibly she goes to a town farther away where locals don't know her, and you don't know them, so she can party and not let people close to her know. Does not want to spoil her reputation locally. my daughter had 'good friends' and 'bad friends' they did not know each other. different crowds. ability to live two life styles
Your second post on Aug 21 says it all. .... family addictions.... your life will be chaos every day ..
good chance one of your kids, if you had them, might have addiction issues
Your second post on Aug 21 says it all. .... family addictions.... your life will be chaos every day ..
good chance one of your kids, if you had them, might have addiction issues
