hey jim -
glad you made it back; lots of folks don't after relapse.
i remember those feelings of self-loathe and depression after coming back from a relapse. i looked at a counselor once and said "i know, i know, i'm lower than dirt." those were not his words, but mine...projecting my thoughts of myself to what i thought others would think of me. to my chagrin, he thought differently.
jim - the only thing i could do to rid myself of the self hatred i felt was to step right back into the solution of recovery...the serenity prayer comes to mind. we are not bad people, sweetie - we are good people with a bad disease and it took this addict a whole lot of help and action to see the goodness i am.
so with that said - what are you going to change? what are you going to different this time.
i believe in you, my friend and stand back in awe of the Power that enabled you with courage to post here today.
please write more soon.
hugs and much encouragement to you -
sammy
Thanks Sammy. This may sound stupid, but so often during difficult times I just don't think of the basics, like the serenity prayer. But I did lie in bed this morning and over and over asked God to save my soul and give me the strength to deal with my demons and also to bring peace to my wife. It's a start.
So what will I do different this time? My answer today may not be the same one I give in a week, as I expect major changes once I get into IOP. Yet I have made a commitment to honesty in my life. I've come clean with my wife in the past 24 hours of how I always skimmed money and set it aside, or how I submitted expenses to my company's Flexible Spending Plan and grabbed the checks before my wife saw them. Recently I sold some really good CD's and cashed in a bunch of change that the kids use for school lunches. It's humiliating and liberating at the same time.
Well, today I began the process of getting rid of an email account that I registered all over the internet at various pill sites. And I began to journal my thoughts...I don't ever want to forget the humiliation of the last 36 hours. I went in for a drug test yesterday, so tried to con my way thru it by putting water in the sample to dilute it. This is a chain of custody deal where they search you beforehand, and make sure you can't tamper with the sample. I come out and the lab technician says we have a problem. Not registering the 90-100 degree temperature. OMG, I was so embarassed! Plus during the day I was consuming sodium and anything with baking soda in it - I had read they could help mask a test. So much energy and so much sickness. Well that's all water over the bridge now as my wife found the money order receipt I carelessly left on the floor in our bedroom. Duh!!!
This may sound silly but I'm so grateful I got caught. I need to get back with the winners. Beside the NA/AA stuff though I really want to reconnect with a church. There's on nearby called Unity. I used to go regularly and really enjoyed it. Very non-secular, a lot of the discussion uses the writings of Thorough and Walden for example. Very peaceful and full of love. I need to go back and give it another try.
Well, that's all I can think of right now. Oh, I almost forgot, my wife and I have decided to tell my stepkids of my problem. They're 17 and 14, and their dad is an alcoholic who chose booze over them. We want them to know what's going on, why mom hasn't been "feeling well", why I'll be going out a lot at night to IOP and meetings. I hope telling them is the right thing to do.
Well I've certainly gone on long enough for tonight. My eyes are getting weary, so time to try and get some sleep. The physical wd's haven't been too bad, but sleep has been tough. Maybe tonight will be different.
Thaks for asking. God bless;
Jim
So what will I do different this time? My answer today may not be the same one I give in a week, as I expect major changes once I get into IOP. Yet I have made a commitment to honesty in my life. I've come clean with my wife in the past 24 hours of how I always skimmed money and set it aside, or how I submitted expenses to my company's Flexible Spending Plan and grabbed the checks before my wife saw them. Recently I sold some really good CD's and cashed in a bunch of change that the kids use for school lunches. It's humiliating and liberating at the same time.
Well, today I began the process of getting rid of an email account that I registered all over the internet at various pill sites. And I began to journal my thoughts...I don't ever want to forget the humiliation of the last 36 hours. I went in for a drug test yesterday, so tried to con my way thru it by putting water in the sample to dilute it. This is a chain of custody deal where they search you beforehand, and make sure you can't tamper with the sample. I come out and the lab technician says we have a problem. Not registering the 90-100 degree temperature. OMG, I was so embarassed! Plus during the day I was consuming sodium and anything with baking soda in it - I had read they could help mask a test. So much energy and so much sickness. Well that's all water over the bridge now as my wife found the money order receipt I carelessly left on the floor in our bedroom. Duh!!!
This may sound silly but I'm so grateful I got caught. I need to get back with the winners. Beside the NA/AA stuff though I really want to reconnect with a church. There's on nearby called Unity. I used to go regularly and really enjoyed it. Very non-secular, a lot of the discussion uses the writings of Thorough and Walden for example. Very peaceful and full of love. I need to go back and give it another try.
Well, that's all I can think of right now. Oh, I almost forgot, my wife and I have decided to tell my stepkids of my problem. They're 17 and 14, and their dad is an alcoholic who chose booze over them. We want them to know what's going on, why mom hasn't been "feeling well", why I'll be going out a lot at night to IOP and meetings. I hope telling them is the right thing to do.
Well I've certainly gone on long enough for tonight. My eyes are getting weary, so time to try and get some sleep. The physical wd's haven't been too bad, but sleep has been tough. Maybe tonight will be different.
Thaks for asking. God bless;
Jim
Hi, Jim
I also sat here and debated if I should post. You all sounded a lot more positive than I did at first I'm sorry to admit.
I'm so glad you came clean with everyone especially your wife. You have helped me to understand my son and his girlfriend better and to see what they go through. I imagine it's very hard living your life constantly battling this demon. We all have our demons to battle, I guess, but drug addiction seems like one of the toughest to fight. I admire you all for fighting your battles every day.
You really sound like you're ready to get right back to work fighting your addiction. I'm proud of you for that and for your honesty. I wish so much my son would realize how much of a gift the meetings are. My sister-in-law's brother has been trying to come over to talk to him with his friend who has been able to get clean of heroin, but my son is very resistant. Does anyone have any words for him? I would be glad to copy them for him. I definitely think they would be instrumental for him and his girlfriend to stay clean.
I will be praying for you to continue your battle with newfound strength. God bless!
Love,
Susan
I also sat here and debated if I should post. You all sounded a lot more positive than I did at first I'm sorry to admit.
I'm so glad you came clean with everyone especially your wife. You have helped me to understand my son and his girlfriend better and to see what they go through. I imagine it's very hard living your life constantly battling this demon. We all have our demons to battle, I guess, but drug addiction seems like one of the toughest to fight. I admire you all for fighting your battles every day.
You really sound like you're ready to get right back to work fighting your addiction. I'm proud of you for that and for your honesty. I wish so much my son would realize how much of a gift the meetings are. My sister-in-law's brother has been trying to come over to talk to him with his friend who has been able to get clean of heroin, but my son is very resistant. Does anyone have any words for him? I would be glad to copy them for him. I definitely think they would be instrumental for him and his girlfriend to stay clean.
I will be praying for you to continue your battle with newfound strength. God bless!
Love,
Susan
JR, you've been there for me so much in the past and now I hope that I can help support you, too.
We've all been there..... The worst is when my husband looks at me with tears in his eyes and says "I'm disappointed in you." It breaks my heart..... I try to explain to him that I don't do this on purpose, that I really do work so hard at being clean, but he always takes it as a personal insult - that I chose the drugs over him.
If you need anything, you can always email me at danni80419@aol.com
Danielle
We've all been there..... The worst is when my husband looks at me with tears in his eyes and says "I'm disappointed in you." It breaks my heart..... I try to explain to him that I don't do this on purpose, that I really do work so hard at being clean, but he always takes it as a personal insult - that I chose the drugs over him.
If you need anything, you can always email me at danni80419@aol.com
Danielle
JR Please know we are here with open arms and strong shoulders to do what we can.If you stumble 100 times before you make it please know we will be here 100 times to catch you and try to help.Our thoughts and prayers are with you.....mj
Jim I ditto everyones elses posts and congradulate you on your courage, I continued to relapse over 20 years till the last 2 months. Just something you mi8ght want to think about and just a suggestion. Im going on bup in 6 weeks if god willing I can get to 20 mgs of meth. But Ive read hundreds of pages of info on it from every site you canimagine and more. People say it gets rid of the cravings and makes one feel normal again. Im going to do it for at tleast 6 months along with the cooulseling Im required to take and some meetings. Look inot it it might be the answer to get some time under your belt and learn to live drug free Wish you nothing but the best keep us posted Ray
