Well, I've gone and done it again. On 12/22 I had three months clean, on 12/26 I was using again. I was doing really well for 2+ months, but I know in my heart that I was really struggling with the holidays's and at the same time I got complacent in my recovery program. Once again I was so sure I could control these pills. Just weekends. Wrong. I went right back to the lying and scheming, and ended up going thru 70 hydro's in 9 days before my wife caught me. I am the walking definition of insanity.
Needless to say my wife is devastated. I'm an emotional wreck as well. Depressed, humiliated, etc. I thought the last relapse was it - how can I be so stupid? Actually I know the answer to that question. Because I began to isolate and cut back on meetings. For me I'm convinced that AA/NA are the primary way for me to successfully "treat" this disease. Yet I failed. For those in recovery and tempted to use, do pickup the phone, do got to a meeting, do whatever it takes. Maybe my relapse can help others. All I can say is my life, as I know it, is hanging by a thread right now.
Now I'm looking at IOP, starting next week. In the meantime I was able to reach my substance abuse counselor on the phone this afternoon and he is going to see me tomorrow. Then if I have the balls I'll go to a meeting and pickup my 24 hour keychain.
This is a really upsetting and disturbing time for me, however before I signoff I have an amends to make - I posted recently about my trip to NYC last weekend and how I was clean. I wasn't. I apologize.
Jim
Jim,
Thanks for your courageous post. I know how hard it is, believe me. Everyone here does. So dont beat yourself up - you know what you gotta do.
BTW - I do admire your honesty. Took alot of balls to fess up to that. Right theres your new beginning. Good nite and God bless.
Love,
Marie
xoxox
Thanks for your courageous post. I know how hard it is, believe me. Everyone here does. So dont beat yourself up - you know what you gotta do.
BTW - I do admire your honesty. Took alot of balls to fess up to that. Right theres your new beginning. Good nite and God bless.
Love,
Marie
xoxox
Jim what can i say to make you feel better hun you must be gutted but having said that at least your trying to make it try not to be too hard on yourself we all know how hard it is and im sure you will never give up on giving up hun jackie xxxx
Jim,
First , let me say welcome back! That took alot of courage to post that. Don't beat yourself up to much, just get back on track. Sounds like your doing what you need to do. I appreciate your honesty......honesty is what will keep you clean. take care of yourself.
God bless
Gina :)
One Day At A Time....
First , let me say welcome back! That took alot of courage to post that. Don't beat yourself up to much, just get back on track. Sounds like your doing what you need to do. I appreciate your honesty......honesty is what will keep you clean. take care of yourself.
God bless
Gina :)
One Day At A Time....
JR,
Welcome back. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I too stopped going to meetings and relapsed. For me it woke me up, I surrendered and admitted complete defeat. God willing January 12th I'll have a year. "Meeting Makers Make It" for me, that has proved to be true.
Thanks for your post, your honesty not only helps others but will also help you.
When we lie or try to con others it's only ourselves we hurt in the end.
Thankyou.............Take care...................God bless...........................Bob
Welcome back. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I too stopped going to meetings and relapsed. For me it woke me up, I surrendered and admitted complete defeat. God willing January 12th I'll have a year. "Meeting Makers Make It" for me, that has proved to be true.
Thanks for your post, your honesty not only helps others but will also help you.
When we lie or try to con others it's only ourselves we hurt in the end.
Thankyou.............Take care...................God bless...........................Bob
Jim, your humility and honesty are showing through your post. God can work within a humbled heart.
Jr, I wondered where you were..
I have SO MUCH RESPECT FOR YOU AND YOUR CAPACITY TO BE HONEST. I know the pain of relapse. You can't feel any lower....
Just pick yourself up again..and learn from what you did wrong..you said it yourself..meetings...isolation...you wrote my story...
People will SO RESPECT you for getting your chip again..that takes so much courage...And the game isn't over, right? I am sure that you learned a lesson, as I did, and it will make you more determined..
Hugs to you, and don't give up on yourself..
You CAN do it..you didn't lose those 3 months..
This disease is so sneaky. Just when I had it licked, I turned around and had a pill in my mouth and a beer in my hand. But, please, take the shame out and start over.
I had to go back to the treatment center, twice. I can't tell you how hard that was. But I am greatful that I did. I got a second chance. So, please know that you are worth it..I have six months today. I should have a year, but I try to forget that. I never forget the fact that I learned how it sucks to go back..lol...
But you can pick yourself up...
Kerry
I have SO MUCH RESPECT FOR YOU AND YOUR CAPACITY TO BE HONEST. I know the pain of relapse. You can't feel any lower....
Just pick yourself up again..and learn from what you did wrong..you said it yourself..meetings...isolation...you wrote my story...
People will SO RESPECT you for getting your chip again..that takes so much courage...And the game isn't over, right? I am sure that you learned a lesson, as I did, and it will make you more determined..
Hugs to you, and don't give up on yourself..
You CAN do it..you didn't lose those 3 months..
This disease is so sneaky. Just when I had it licked, I turned around and had a pill in my mouth and a beer in my hand. But, please, take the shame out and start over.
I had to go back to the treatment center, twice. I can't tell you how hard that was. But I am greatful that I did. I got a second chance. So, please know that you are worth it..I have six months today. I should have a year, but I try to forget that. I never forget the fact that I learned how it sucks to go back..lol...
But you can pick yourself up...
Kerry
Dear Jim,
Just remember "Easy Does It". Don't beat your self up so bad! Now you know what to do, and also you need to Pray Pray Pray!!!! It Work's! This is the Disease of Addiction, but you don't have to let it work it's way back in! Also remember to take it One Day AT A Time! This helps you don't have to use for just today! If you need to take it a minute at a time do that. Those minute's add up. Be sure and go back to the meeting's and don't be ashamed, if you don't you might not make it back the next time! This is a life or Death disease that we have! If you have a sponcer call him if not get one ASAP!
Your friend
Jennie
Just remember "Easy Does It". Don't beat your self up so bad! Now you know what to do, and also you need to Pray Pray Pray!!!! It Work's! This is the Disease of Addiction, but you don't have to let it work it's way back in! Also remember to take it One Day AT A Time! This helps you don't have to use for just today! If you need to take it a minute at a time do that. Those minute's add up. Be sure and go back to the meeting's and don't be ashamed, if you don't you might not make it back the next time! This is a life or Death disease that we have! If you have a sponcer call him if not get one ASAP!
Your friend
Jennie
Everyone has already said what needs to be said.... just remember this, we are ALL just one pill away from that dreaded relapse. No one is immune, no one is so "cured" that it can't happen to them. I'm so glad that you feel safe enough to post here your honesty. Please take that same feeling to a meeting. If anyone judges you, then they aren't clean. This is life long. It never ends. Pick yourself up, dust off your boots and start over. 24 hours of clean is better than 9 days of using.
I'm right here with you darlin. Have been since the day you and I started on this board.
Ask your wife if she's interested in an al-non meeting. It will help her understand. She's devastated because she loves you.
Love you
Cowgirl
ps..if you need to talk:
saddlesore78@yahoo.com
I'm right here with you darlin. Have been since the day you and I started on this board.
Ask your wife if she's interested in an al-non meeting. It will help her understand. She's devastated because she loves you.
Love you
Cowgirl
ps..if you need to talk:
saddlesore78@yahoo.com
JR:
I was just thinking about you today. Thank you for your honesty and sharing with us. I've been there and I know the feeling. You have shown so much courage by posting. Take care.
LOve,
Rach
I was just thinking about you today. Thank you for your honesty and sharing with us. I've been there and I know the feeling. You have shown so much courage by posting. Take care.
LOve,
Rach
Hey JR,
I can only second what's been said my friend. Your courage and honesty speak volumes about your character. I have been right where you are more times than I'd like to remember, with all the attendant difficulties at home, the shame and self-judgment, etc. And from your words, I suspect you also (like me) are your own worst enemy when it comes to beating yourself up for perceived failure. Damn, I hate this f***ing disease. And if anyone judges you, they don't understand just how cunning, baffling, and insidious this disease of addiction is. From where I'm sitting, you're standing tall.
The IOP sounds like a great idea JR. And your honesty in sharing your experience helped me a lot.....very, very timely. Peace, M.
I can only second what's been said my friend. Your courage and honesty speak volumes about your character. I have been right where you are more times than I'd like to remember, with all the attendant difficulties at home, the shame and self-judgment, etc. And from your words, I suspect you also (like me) are your own worst enemy when it comes to beating yourself up for perceived failure. Damn, I hate this f***ing disease. And if anyone judges you, they don't understand just how cunning, baffling, and insidious this disease of addiction is. From where I'm sitting, you're standing tall.
The IOP sounds like a great idea JR. And your honesty in sharing your experience helped me a lot.....very, very timely. Peace, M.
jr don't feel bad i relapsed also when i broke my ankle,i got a script for dillaud and took 11 of them then i flushed the rest of them down the toilet only to go back to my pain doctor to get 240 perks,i also had close to 3 months clean,my wife is so dissapointed in me which only makes it worse,but i failed and understand where she is comeing from,i awlays considered myself to be strong and determined but not so in this case,i am unable to give you any advice at this time jr,because if i did i would be a hypocritic,well the good news is my ankle feels much better and for some reason i still have a boner,but then again what good does it do when my wife is disgusted with me....vinny.
Its very amazing that one forgets what they've been through so fast.. I am the true definition of "RELAPSE".. I wish there was a way doctors could make painkillers not so damn good..Keep your head up straight i too just relapsed after eight days.. Its seven fifty in the morning and im on an oxy 40 already.. not regretting it yet, but by the end of the weekend i will bee. grrr its frustrating..I need to start going to meetings, i heard they are great.. well good luck dude.. Kyle From Philadelphia..
Morning Jim,
I have been debating whether to respond......I don't know how you feel, but I do know what I see. I see your strength , courage, and most of all your honesty....
Please know that you are human, we all are.....Take from this and learn, you are worth it all.....I see that too.
Take Care,
Tina
I have been debating whether to respond......I don't know how you feel, but I do know what I see. I see your strength , courage, and most of all your honesty....
Please know that you are human, we all are.....Take from this and learn, you are worth it all.....I see that too.
Take Care,
Tina
you have helped me with this post. i think i am headed where you are if i don't get back to meetings. i am so isolated and an emotional wreck. i have a great sponsor who says that if i make a committment she'll work with me. how can i throw that away?
mistyeyes,
I think it's great that you responded. I love Alanon, I don't think that means you should be hesitant on responding to us that are on the other side of the fence, so to speak. If thats why in fact you did hesitate? I sometimes hear some of the "Old Timers" ( not my dad ) talk down about Alanon. My mom used to be very active in it, was the secretary for the State of Pa., the city editor for the news letter, and city chair person for inner group. She has since gotten less involved, no time for all that anymore, but still goes. And she has a great outlook on life and helps me out very much with her input on some things. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I personally think it's great that your involved in the program and I don't think you should ever think twice about posting. Anyway, just my 2 cents. Have a nice day.
Take care..................................God bless..........................................Bob
I think it's great that you responded. I love Alanon, I don't think that means you should be hesitant on responding to us that are on the other side of the fence, so to speak. If thats why in fact you did hesitate? I sometimes hear some of the "Old Timers" ( not my dad ) talk down about Alanon. My mom used to be very active in it, was the secretary for the State of Pa., the city editor for the news letter, and city chair person for inner group. She has since gotten less involved, no time for all that anymore, but still goes. And she has a great outlook on life and helps me out very much with her input on some things. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I personally think it's great that your involved in the program and I don't think you should ever think twice about posting. Anyway, just my 2 cents. Have a nice day.
Take care..................................God bless..........................................Bob
To say I'm overwhelmed by everyone's support and compassion would be an understatement. I'm all choked up here, and can't possibly ever thank everyone enough. I am at an all-time low, no doubt in my mind. And I am my own worst enemy right now....my thoughts are not good, and words can't begin to describe how awful I feel. I missed work yesterday and today. My wife canceled an important business trip to Boston. It kills me to see the pain I'm responsible for. Yet I said the same thing three months ago and what good did that do? This is insane Bob, you're right. And it is all about honesty - my secrets have gotten me to where I am today. Not a very good place to be. How can I stay sober for 13+ years but these damn pills drag me down deeper and deeper each time I relapse.
But I wouldn't be here if deep down I didn't want recovery. All of you have touched by heart with your unconditional love and compassion for this addict. I can never, ever thank you enough!
Jim.
But I wouldn't be here if deep down I didn't want recovery. All of you have touched by heart with your unconditional love and compassion for this addict. I can never, ever thank you enough!
Jim.
jim ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) hang in there hun jackiexxxx
Jim,
Don't be to hard on yourself bro. When I relapsed last year I didn't pick up a drink either. But these damn pills are a b****. I don't know why, but just hang in there. A drug is a drug etc. etc. I know that, but for me, giving up cocaine and booze I swear is different. Something about those damn pills that I at least, have to work that much harder to stay away from. I can't explain it, or seem to find the words. But I'm praying for ya', be grateful you made it back, alot of people don't. You can't change whats been done, but you can make today your best day yet. Don't look back in regret, look back at a lesson learned. Remember this, you can control this disease by doing whats suggested, once we put a drink or drug in us, we are no longer in control, then we are controlled
by our disease. It's not anything to feel ashamed about, but when we distance ourself from meetings, in my opinion, our old habits start slowly coming back. Our thinking or our disease tells us, we're ok we can handle it. Thats the biggest lie we can tell ourselves. It's foolish pride, and foolish pride will keep us sick. It's not failure to admit complete defeat or surrender, it's courage, and it takes courage to be honest and except help with fighting this disease.
Take care Jim...............................God bless......................................Bob
Don't be to hard on yourself bro. When I relapsed last year I didn't pick up a drink either. But these damn pills are a b****. I don't know why, but just hang in there. A drug is a drug etc. etc. I know that, but for me, giving up cocaine and booze I swear is different. Something about those damn pills that I at least, have to work that much harder to stay away from. I can't explain it, or seem to find the words. But I'm praying for ya', be grateful you made it back, alot of people don't. You can't change whats been done, but you can make today your best day yet. Don't look back in regret, look back at a lesson learned. Remember this, you can control this disease by doing whats suggested, once we put a drink or drug in us, we are no longer in control, then we are controlled
by our disease. It's not anything to feel ashamed about, but when we distance ourself from meetings, in my opinion, our old habits start slowly coming back. Our thinking or our disease tells us, we're ok we can handle it. Thats the biggest lie we can tell ourselves. It's foolish pride, and foolish pride will keep us sick. It's not failure to admit complete defeat or surrender, it's courage, and it takes courage to be honest and except help with fighting this disease.
Take care Jim...............................God bless......................................Bob
Jim, you are awesome and always give good advice. Don't beat yourself up too hard. Let's start again, ok? I've always loved what you had to say. You are so smart. You can do it my man. I can tell. BTW, my email is bullwinkle343@aol.com if you need support..I'm there for you.
