Relapse Here Too

Pain Pills
1
I felt really hypocritical posting the last few days, but wasn't ready to admit it yet. Long story short:

Monday was day 3, back started flaring up (have kidney stones). Tried to decide if it was really that bad, or if part of it was my mind making it worse because I was out of meds. Ended up calling doc. Told them the hydro was not working. (My doc usually gives me a small amount of percocet when the hydro doesn't work.) My doc was out of town, the covering doc gave me a script for 15 pills of Percocet, to take 1-2 q. 4 hours. I told myself I would make them last and taper myself that way. As I've stated before, I can't taper. By Wednesday morning they were gone. I called doc back, and my nurse called back saying that the covering doc would not refill, but my doc would be back Thurs. I told her I was really hurting and that the hydro wasn't working, that I had tried to take it instead of the Percocet, but ended up taking the perc later that morning. She said she was sorry, but she would let my doc now as soon as he came in the next day. I didn't argue with her. I just told her I understood. I ended up calling her back, because I got all paranoid. I asked her if I had done something wrong, because I hadn't even taken the max that the doc prescribed. She told me it was just their policy that covering docs can only give 1 narcotic script while covering. She told me if it got that bad to go to the ER. She was really nice about it. About an hour later, I went to pee, and it was red, and the pain got worse. I went to the ER, and sure enough, I was passing a stone. They actually saw it in my bladder. I can't tell how how happy and sad this makes me. I'm upset that I started taking the medication again, but I'm really happy that I was actually passing a stone, both for myself, and for the doc that was covering. (I've had to have him fill scripts for me in the past when my doc is gone, and he does not agree with my doc keeping me on pain meds, and has given me a hard time in the past. My doc usually just fills out my regular script before he leaves so my nurse can call it in without needing another docs signature.)

Anyway, I'm sorry if I have broken anyone's trust. And I've tried to post this about 4 times now, and keep deleting it. If I've actually posted it already, sorry for the repeat.

Amanda
2
Amanda please dont feel ashamed.I know that I too had a hard time fessing up.See I started here in Nov 04 & I really wanted to do this ya know.I figured I could taper & do well.Well hello addict here so I was comming here saying I was doing good when really I was doing more.Im sure some of the older ones here new it but they never said anything.Finally in Jan I fessed up on here & at my Dr & from then til now Ive done mostly great.but other times not so great.I dont think anyone here will or ever would look down on you for something like this.
On a different side.WOW the pain you must of been in I cant even begin to think of & I just had surgery.It sounded to me like you needed some kind of relief.If Im wrong for saying that Im sorry but it just sounded to me that you did need something for that kind of pain.
I guess my question now is Now what are your plans from here???/mj
3
Doesnt matter to me thats the problem what if something happens and you need pain meds??? you know surgery, broken bones etc. s$%^& happens any way molly can tell you she just had surgery i think i have only been on here 3 days.
4
Amanda, don't beat yourself up. I had a hard time fessing up a few months ago about relapsing. But don't you feel better getting that off your chest? And out of your bladder..LOL just kidding..the thing is, obviously you were in some serious pain right? It'll be ok. Most of us, have gone through this, and it's part of the fight you are in with the pills. Now that you got that out of the way, do you have a plan? Are you gonna taper, or go c/t? Good luck and god bless ya, Kim
5
Amanda, you're amazing. You have such strength and grace... it takes so much to admit stuff like this, you have no idea.

Do you have any support? Anyone that you can talk too?

When is enough, enough?

cg
6
Amanda,
Don't feel bad about the pain meds. When I passed a kidney stone I was in the hospital for 3 days on morrphene(sp) but they r one of the most painful things in the world. I have done child birth 2 times with no meds at all and that was nothing compared to the kidney stone. U really didn't relapse u had a legitiment reason. Now dr. knows u were not just trying to get meds. U can get right back where u were.

Hopeing you feel better.
7
Amanda whered ya go hun?Do you have any plans or anything?...mj
8
Unfortunately, the darn thing is still in my bladder. Since I form kidney stones chronically, I don't know what I'm going to do. There are more stones in the left kidney. Normally it is more of a constant ache, but when they start rattling around or when I'm passing them, it is a very sharp pinching pain. I had always heard that passing a kidney stone was as painful as childbirth. It depends on the size of the stone. My epidural did not kick in until 20 minutes after I had Wyatt, he came so fast. In this case, the childbirth was much more painful. Since I've passed so many kidney stones, I have a lot of scarring in my ureters, which make them even smaller, so smaller kidney stones hurt worse than they would someone who has never had one. They have also found what may be an AVM in my kidney, which is an atriovenous malformation (layman's terms: there is an area where the artery and vein are not connected correctly), causing pain and blood in the urine. I was not born with this, it was most likely caused by the lithotripsies or the surgery to remove another stone.

The only support I have in this case, with the addiction, is you all. I am just going to have to be able to regulate taking them better.
9
You really are stuck at a hard spot.My heart goes out to you & it brings up the old question again.How do we knowing that we are addicts, knowing we really cant control our intake of pills,and knowing we have legit pain how do we handle this?How can we be pain free & not be addicted?I really feel for the ones who have that bone crushing pain but also know that they cannot do their pain meds right.
I really dont know what I would do.Its not fair for you to have to live in that kind of pain yet the pain pills arent good for you either.Im afraid all I can offer is my ear & my compassion to you.I wish you all the love & luck in the world...mj
10
hi...i can't give a long speech,don't really know as much as the other people on here,and i just had surgery on my hand/arm..you wouldn't beleive how long it's taken me to type.lol..but i'd like to tell you to keep coming back,you'll get some wonderful advice here..not good at to much,but i'm willing to listen...good luck to you.....dj
11
It makes all the difference in the world to know that there are people here who understand what I'm going through. I know you all feel like there isn't much you can do to help, but just being here is enough.

Thank you all!