Katz-Yes, I've been thru alot but am thankful and grateful for every situation that brought me to surrender...today I am free from the bondage of drugs and alcohol - I have a daily reprieve from these vices contingent on my spiritual condition. In regard to your boyfriend, I am no relationship expert, but I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy who has been clean about three years. Now I know that there is the possibility that he will pick up and use again, but there is that same possibility for me too. I don't walk in fear over it though...I just take it one day at time and try to enjoy the day the best I can and model myself as a sober, dignified woman would...I want to be an attraction rather than a promotion of the 12 step program I work. Anyways, back to your boyfriend, I am told we cannot carry the alcoholic/addict we can only carry the message. Hopefully, that offers some relief to you. Here is a little excerpt from one of my favorite AA books: " ...anyone who knows the alcoholic (addict) personality by firsthand contact knows that no true alcoholic (addict) stops drinking (using) permanently without undergoing a profound personality change. *** We thought "conditions" drove us to drink (use), and when we tried to correct these conditions and found that we coudn't do so to our entire satisfaction, our drinking (using) went out of hand and we needed to change ourselves to meet conditions, whtever they were". Has your boyfriend attended any AA/NA meetings? Have you tried Alanon? Nothing changes if nothing changes. Peace & Serenity, VWGirl
vwgirl, i really like the way you are with words. I do understand what your saying. and i appreciate the fact that you took the time to reply.. i really care a lot about this person, and i feel that it is important for him to know that. so whenever i see him i tell him how much i care for him, and that he is a good person, he just went down the wrong path for a while, and the road ahead is bumpy, but i have faith in him, and i know that he can fall back ddown at any time. but i am willing to pick him back up, and keep helping him anyway. he has been going to meetings, and i believe that they help him a lot. he has his sponsor calling him and talking to him, his family is always on him. he's been going to 1-2 meetings daily. what do you suggest i do w/out being to pushy? i basically put no pressure on him at this time, i just try to sit back , and understand.
i have friends that know me, and not him. they have heard things about him, "drugs ,and alcohol user" they tell me to run far from him... i tell them that they don't know him like i do, they say so what, and of course it gets out of proportion. how do i make them understand that he is a good person? i really dislike how people judge someone w/out knowing them first. thay just don't want to give him a chance...any advice would be hlppfull, thanks again,,,,:)
i have friends that know me, and not him. they have heard things about him, "drugs ,and alcohol user" they tell me to run far from him... i tell them that they don't know him like i do, they say so what, and of course it gets out of proportion. how do i make them understand that he is a good person? i really dislike how people judge someone w/out knowing them first. thay just don't want to give him a chance...any advice would be hlppfull, thanks again,,,,:)
Good Morning Katz, First off, let me start by thanking you for opening up this dialogue between us (and others of course if they'd like to join in)...it provides me with an opportunity to look at my situation as well. Your BF seems to being doing all the right things...Sponsor, meetings, etc., however there are no guarantees we only have today. It sounds like he is doing the footwork and working a program. Advice for you? I can only offer suggestions. My suggestion for you is to be supportive and understand, that no matter what, his sobriety has to come first...above you, above his family, above his job, above material possessions, etc...encourage him to continue with his attendance at meetings, contacting his Sponsor and other alcoholics and addicts...I can't remember how long he has been sober but if he is fairly new he will most likely be going thru a lot of physical, mental and emotional ranges...from feeling good to not feeling so good...again, try to be understanding ~ but also, do not forget you need to take care of yourself...that's why I suggested Alanon meetings to you. Since he works a Program it might really be beneficial if you checked out Alanon. As far as what your BF has done in the past, what people think, and how they judge...this is what I am told..."it's none of my business what anyone else thinks about me...or anyone for that matter..." You do not have to justify to others about your BF and his past. My BF served time in maximum security prison for a horrible act he commited while using (his Father actually prosecuted him). He was very active in his addiction and extremely sick at the time...however, by his Father convicting him and him having to pay the price for his actions saved his life. He works a Program much different that I do, he has more clean time than I have....but he is very mature and wise and has learned from his past and has cleaned up that wreckage...I am 46 yrs old and he is 33 yrs old (LOL) ~ we met on the Program. He works in the telecommunications industry here in SoCal & last year a wonderful career opportunity was given to him which was like hitting the lottery. He and I believe it is because he is staying clean and sober....none of this would have happened if he wasn't clean. I now know what it is to love someone unconditionally, he has taught me that....I hope that you and your BF find that as well. He is lucky to have you. I am here for you. Peace & Serenity, VWGirl
good morning vmgirl ...and thank you.
you have brightened my days, because of your sincerity, and honest words.. i know i really love him because after getting to know him from the inside out, and knowing that he is a good man, and knowing that he wants to do better in his life, i know noone is perfect , and either am i. i believe that he needs support, and he needs to take care of his addiction, and make himself a stronger person. his concerns should be himself. although when i call him, when he does.nt answer his phone i worry because, i get affraid he's doing something he shouldn't. i know i need to have faith, but i also know how easy it is to give in to your addiction. he has been very down on himself. he doesn't like himself much, and can't understand what i see in him... i tell him all the time, but i am aware that his judgment can be cloudy sometimes. he is trying very hard, and i praise him, he won't open up to me ,because he said he'd scsre me away, i reassure him that he won't , and i just tell him that when he feells ready to open up to me he can. i feels ashamed of himself. you see he comes from a high profile family, and i think deep down that haunts him too. i had a father that was a alcoholic. he was angry, and violant. different from my bf.. i just want him to know that i am here for him, and support his effort to be clean . i really care about him, more than he knows.. thanx again. i will look into alanon.. you are a god send..xo
you have brightened my days, because of your sincerity, and honest words.. i know i really love him because after getting to know him from the inside out, and knowing that he is a good man, and knowing that he wants to do better in his life, i know noone is perfect , and either am i. i believe that he needs support, and he needs to take care of his addiction, and make himself a stronger person. his concerns should be himself. although when i call him, when he does.nt answer his phone i worry because, i get affraid he's doing something he shouldn't. i know i need to have faith, but i also know how easy it is to give in to your addiction. he has been very down on himself. he doesn't like himself much, and can't understand what i see in him... i tell him all the time, but i am aware that his judgment can be cloudy sometimes. he is trying very hard, and i praise him, he won't open up to me ,because he said he'd scsre me away, i reassure him that he won't , and i just tell him that when he feells ready to open up to me he can. i feels ashamed of himself. you see he comes from a high profile family, and i think deep down that haunts him too. i had a father that was a alcoholic. he was angry, and violant. different from my bf.. i just want him to know that i am here for him, and support his effort to be clean . i really care about him, more than he knows.. thanx again. i will look into alanon.. you are a god send..xo
Good Evening Katz, Well, again I say your BF is sooooooooo lucky to have you. I don't know how much time he has or where he is in his step work, but I know for me the more sober time I had under my belt and once I did my 4th step (full-on inventory) and told my 5th step to my Sponsor (shared all of my inventory with her, my deepest, darkest secrets), then the shame and guilt started to slowly dissipate. I was finally liberated, so to speak. We are told on the program "we cannot regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it"...also, when I did my 8th step (made a list of all those I had harmed) and started my 9th step, which I am still working (making amends to those I had hurt and asking for forgiveness) the guilt and shame lifted even more. The person I had to put at the top of my amends list was me, and that was difficult to do, but it was at the direction of my Sponsor...once I started to be able to love and forgive myself I was able to open up and love others...does any of this make sense? That's why I am suggesting Alanon to you...it will help you understand the Program and your Man and his addicition. Like I said both me and my BF have done some pretty hellacious stuff while we were out there, but we take it as a learning experience and have grown from those past mistakes. We both love ourselves today, even like ourselves, can you believe it? That allows our relationship to be all that it is...which for me, quite honestly, has been the first time in my life I can love unconditionally and give without expectations.
hello vwgirl , good evening to you. I am writing today because i didn't sleep well last night. i have been going through a mental torture for the last 3 days.. my bf has not called for days. then last nite about 2.30 am my phone beeps, i had a text message from my bf. he was in a bad way. He and i preceeded to text each other. he told me he was all messed up, i of course wanted to know why. he avoided the answer for a long time, i kept talking to him via text.. i told him i missed him, and that i wanted him in my life, he responed the same, told me he was sorry. he said he couldn't talk but, he could text me... i asked why, and of course i knew the worst was true, he was high... on the drug... i was so hurt, not for me , but him. i kept talking via text to him... i asked him if he needed me to come and get him, i told him that i loved him for the first time, in hopes that it would give him hope, it was not the way i wanted to tell him, but i was crying, and felt so bad, and i realized too that i love him unconditionally , and i wanted him to know that.. he texted back once then i didn't hear back. i texted him back and forth for 2/1/2 hrs. when i didn;t hear from him, i worried for him. i am worried sick because i have not heard from him at all. i text him and told him he needs to get help, and i do know that he needs to want to do it himself first, i feel so helpless right now. what can i do vwgirl, i really love him, when i think of him being alone, i cry. iam crying now.. i know he wants to get well, but i don't think he has the strength to get away from it. pleas help me. i am lost right now..
Katz, I am so sorry to hear about your BF, it makes me sad too. But, for some reason he had to go out there and do it one more time, I'm hoping he makes it back. You are doing all the right things it sounds like, but he'll only have enough when he has had enough. He needs to hit his own bottom, so try not to do anything to enable him. Just continue to be supportive and love him through it, but first and foremost take care of yourself, be good to yourself, because if you don't you can't be there for the others that you care for who are also in your life. I think you are doing all that you can do. He knows about the Program, he has a Sponsor, and they say a mindful of program will really mess up your using...and it does...it ruins most people's highs....keep in touch.
again i say thanx to you. i still have not heard anything, but i keep sending him messages in hopes that he'll wake up. i don't know what to do, but i will take your advice, cuz i belive you know what your talking about, all i can do is what i am, he has to get to that point where he realizes there are better things than that for him out there. i think deep down he knows that, i am just going to keep supporting him untill he breaks, and then i'll support him in his recovery the best i can. you are a god send to me, thanx again, and i am taking care of me as well, and my children too, it is just so hard when you care about someone so much ,and you know they are going through hell, and you really can't do much to help them. i pray. and i pray for all the others out there like him that need to know they are loved, and that they need to love them selves first, before thay can truly love anyone else. unfortunately the drug is stronger than he is right now, and it takes control of him, it is a constant battle. thanx again for everything, if you have more advice for me please tell me, i really appreciate it.. xoxoxo
Katz, Versus using the board as a one on one dialogue, perhaps out of courtesy to others we should take it off-line so to speak. Here is my email address: vwgeri@aol.com ~ really, you are helping me out more than I am helping you...and I can explain that to you after you write to me.
OKAY VWGIRL, THATS WHAT I'LL DO. TALK TO YOU SOON OO
