I wish there was a reset button, something to bring me back to the point where alcohol never controlled my life. Or has it always has it always had control of me?
I found this blog through numerous google searches, something I have done in the past. Like every time my wife gives me ultimatums and tells me to cut the s*** because she can't handle my drinking problem. I search for answers on the internet like I'm going to find the cure all. Something may move me enough to stop getting out of work and going directly to the liquor store. I always hope that the one thing I find may stop me from sneaking out of my apartment to get a tall beer, only to hide it in an area that I will forget about. What will stop me from putting myself through these up and downs. I have a child on the way, closing on a beautiful new home, a great job that allows me to change others, and have served my country in the Army Natiomal Guard for over 10 years. I am a leader who has people look up to, a husband that has the right intentions, a person who only wants good. But, there is always something grabbing onto me, pulling me under time and time again.
I first was aware of my problem when a came back from a 14 month overseas deployment. I was in the best shape of my life at age 25, single, and had a bank account full of tax free money. I had everything going my way, or at least I was set up for success. I went through a terrible break up 3 months before my deployment. I drank about every other day, stayed out late, and had a great drinking friend going through the same thing. I couldn't wait to deploy so I could move on. I used it as a clutch and a cure. My drinking was only a result of my heartache, or so I thought.
I came home from my deployment and did what any young single man would do with the circumstances that I was under. Night after night, blackout after blackout, and no job to wake up to. I was living in an unrealistic world and didn't completely understand what kind of hole I was digging myself. I then met my future wife at my local hometown bar. I didn't really remember the interaction, but I remembered how beautiful she way. Luckily she knew someone I knew, the rest is history; I'll continue with my path of alcoholism.
I moved in with her and continued to drink. A six pack in a sitting was nothing, she didn't see the denial I was in. I would continuously think to myself of how irregular my drinking was. It slowly built into an almost everyday/every other day thing. I was working construction with my uncle, later moving onto a industrial roofing job. Low pay, hard work, a lot of driving. My bank account drained and I saw myself in financial trouble. I scrapped things together, I have always been able to. Then I started to get black out drunk every time I drank. Having one was like releasing the flood gates, the chase was on. I would continuously put myself and other in danger by driving around intoxicated, I'm in discust to be writing this. I need to right these things though, people need to know besides my wife and I. I attempted to get help by going to an AA netting, but quickly dismissed it as an option. I ignored it again.
Flash forward to the past 6 months. I have continued my pattern and have his drinks everywhere in my apartment. My wife always finds them and I have to come up with some lie. A lie that they are from a couple of months ago. I have to conduct a clearing of cans and nips from all of my hiding spots from time to time. She finds one, I know theres more, she knows there is more. I have a raging war going on in my head. A battle that my wife is sick of dealing with. The only thing she sees are the empties, s***ty behavior when I get tired from a hard day of drinking, and my lack of responsibilitie.
Only a couple of people know of this problem. Like I said, I have attempted to get help in the past only to throw it away. My wife is sick of the everyday excuses and my unwillingness to change. Oh I know how much I want to change. I love waking up to a sober me, color in my face, alcohol off of my breath. I love waking up without the regret, the thought of knowing my wife had a good day with me. I hate myself for it, but continue to maintain my hope that this time will work. My hopes are that writing this will open something up for me. I have worked hard for everything and have sacrificed a lot of time doing so. My potential is diminished from alcoholism. My relationship had suffered and I have to go home after a drill weekend to clear out my hiding spots. I
I'm done hiding. I'm done ignoring this. I have a problem. I have to go to meetings. I will start Monday. Then I need to move forward and go to another one. I will gain the trust of my wife back. I will be a great father. I may falter in my way, but I am a human being.
Hi walking.. There is a solution to your problem. You will find some answers /support in the rooms of AA . If you are willing to do what it takes then there will be better days ahead. Alcoholism is a disease and we do things during active addiction that we often regret.. lying being one of them. You are not a bad person trying to get good. You are a sick person trying to get well. Recovery is not easy .It is a lot of work with a lot of uncomfortable days at the beginning but by taking it one day at a time it gets easier. There are many people in the world who got and stayed sober through AA . I am one of them. We have all been where you are so you are not alone. You can be a survivor or you can be a victim. From my own experience I have found there is a lot more freedom to being a survivor.... keep coming back...
